Anniversary #3~'loneliness'

After 6 months of 'silence' I think it's time to touch base. But before I do, I want to warn you this comes with a 'bluntness & honesty' rating. I'm about to go beyond my usual realm and be even more transparent than I usually am...

When I was diagnosed my life (my family's lives) changed forever. But with that came so many blessings. People came from all over to help and assist us in so many ways. These people came to mean the world to me. But over time things have changed. It has gone from having so many around to literally having no one. I went 10 months before I could get into my chemo appointment. There just was no one willing to watch the kids. Many have suggested emailing out a schedule so 'friends' could help....tried that....all with the 'no' response. Oh, don't get me wrong. I totally get that other's have there own lives. And before the transformation that God has done on my heart through all this, I would have totally been upset. But no, I'm not. It's the reality of our world. Human nature is to have a natural cycle of give & take. But in my world....I have had to be the 'taker' for too long with people. And because I can't 'give' a whole lot right now...most everyone has walked away. Understandable so. And please don't get me wrong on this either...I am blessed! I have dear sweet friends in my life. BUT they all live far away. Within this city, this state...I am left alone.

So why tell all this? Because I want you to know how important you are to me. Those that do want to stick by me and continue to pray, to take time to read my thoughts. But in all honesty, this site causes me pain. It has been my link to the world during all the 'junk' we have gone through. And although there is not a whole lot of 'big' medical stuff going one....our lives are still GREATLY affected daily by the aftermath that cancer has brought. Everyday is still full of huge struggles. Added on to this is losing my mom and going that alone too. And of course there is so much that is 'behind the scenes' private stuff that needs to stay within our four walls. So again, why tell you this...

Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of finding out the news of cancer entering my life. It is a day forever embedded in my soul as being 'life-changing'. Looking back, I summed up the 1st year as one of ‘miracles’ and the second year as ‘toilsome’. And now when I think of one word to describe this past year…’loneliness’. It’s been a tough one…the toughest of my life. Those closest to me are not there anymore for various reasons. The pain I hold within me is sometimes a weight I don’t know if I can carry. I’m still fighting for my life everyone moment…but now I do it alone. Cancer definitely has an 'aftermath' that I was not prepared for.

But thankfully, as my heart aches and doesn’t always ‘feel’ my Savior…He has blessed me with the foreknowledge to ‘know’ what is. And what is is Him! It’s all about Him. I seek Him & I claim Him. No matter the cost of these daily treks I’ve been called to…It IS all about Him.

So as I continue to walk this road, and if it calls me to be ‘silent’ from this site for a while again…please always know how much YOUR love and investment into my live means.

Transparency~Take 2

In the midst of wife & mommy stuff, medical stuff & grieving I've also been working on being even more transparent than this. It's making some uncomfortably uncomfortable, some glad I'm going to the next step, some feeling like they can relate, and others even feeling like they can finally come out and share the things they've hidden deep within.

Honestly, it is easy to loss sight of this 'task' that God has called me too. It is much simpler to just fit into the norm and be like the world wants. Criticism can seem like cast iron bats to the heart. To have those who claim to 'get it' throw it all in your face....well, let's just say that simpler times are longed for once in awhile.

Also, I do hold back often. It's hard. Having those you trust know your deepest hurts, thoughts and insecurities is hard enough. To add to that, all of you whom I don't even hardly know...Wow! It's tough being transparent over and over again with the sacred parts of my heart. There's a trust that goes into sharing with someone. And in this fashion, of blogging....I'm not always sure if the trust goes both ways. My words have, even with my closest of friends, been turned inside out and upside down and used against me. So what do I do?

I plan to keep on keeping on.

My God has called me to it...so I must do it!!!!!

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. ~Ephesians 6:19-20

This is the verse that I have always prayed over this site. Please pray for me as I continue to expose my heart. That as I speak, I am fearless in my witness of the gospel. Only bringing glory to the One and True God.

.......and none to myself.

Meditating

I have been spending much time lately meditating on Him.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. ~Psalm 55:22

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what it unseen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from you mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:7-9

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man

I love kids music. The lyrics are usually pretty simple and to the point. I don't usually have to listen to them a million times to try and figure out what the message is. We've been listening to the Veggie Tales a lot lately in our car rides. My kids LOVE to sing along LOUDLY with these musical vegetables. One song has been stuck in my head for days. 'God Is Bigger Than The Boogie Man'

Hello??!! Even the title of this one explains itself. :)

I am reminded that God IS bigger than the 'boogie man'. Boogie man = Satan...and all the junk that he throws our way. And lets not beat around the bush...he's been working full time around here these past few years. I honestly feel like he's pulled up his best sleeping bag, popped up a tent and plans to stay as long as there's s'mores for roasting. And believe me, I'm dumb enough, even in my wisdom, that I keep giving him more and more to put in the fire. Doh!

So when I'm with my kids just being silly, it's been refreshing to have them and little veggies remind me where my faith needs to lie. I don't need to be afraid of all the 'monsters', 'boogie men' & 'scary noises'. He IS watching out for me. He IS taking care of me. HE IS BIGGER!!!

(Just in case you felt left out and wanted to hear this profound song....I leave you to your pleasure =o))

4 Months

It's been 4 months.

I can't even comprehend that my sweet Mother has been gone 4 whole months. Well over 160 days. Days that I have not been able to talk with her or be with her. I would give most anything just to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. Do you know how refreshing it would be to know she was coming for a visit? I would love just to be able to have one more day with her.

But I wake up each day & go to bed every night knowing that this side of Heaven will not provide such things.

I'm sad that she's gone. I'm sad that this really is reality for me and my family. I'm sad that it's been 4 months and it still feels like day 1. I'm sad that when it's 444 months it will probably still feel like this.

I miss her & I'm sad.

What gets me through me days? The most important part....the part that makes me happy. In fact, it makes me rejoice. It's in knowing that one day, one glorious day, I will be able to turn from my Jesus' arms to the arms of my Mom. I will be with her again someday. And when that day comes, I will never have to say goodbye again.

Jarred's Graduation

My nephew's graduation was a special moment for our family tonight. He's the oldest of all the kids. The first grandchild. We are all so proud of him.

Jarred w/Mom & Dad

Jarred w/Grandpa

Jarred w/Uncle Chad


Jarred w/ me


Jarred w/ all the kids

Jarred w/his bro & sis being goofy



CONGRATULATIONS, JARRED!!!!!!

All Together Again

My Dad hates to travel. He's rather be home on his tropical rock. But this week he came to see all of us for my nephew's graduation. Having my Dad here has meant the world to me. The reality is I will never be graced by my Mom's presence this side of Heaven. But being with him sure does help me feel closer to her. Sure, it's brought the tears out of hiding much more often these past few days. And, of course, my emotions are seemingly raw. But all worth it! I wish there was some way for us all to be together all the time. It's bittersweet time that seems to help heal in a way no other can. And the topper this week so far is that we are ALL TOGETHER! My brother decided to come too for a couple of days. Aaahhh, very soothing.

Have we done anything special? No, not really. Just spend time together so far. But when you look at the big picture for all of us...I think that IS what's special. We are blessed with this time together so soon after losing my Mom. Normally, our two special men would not make this trip so willingly (the dislike for traveling, ya know?). But they're here and we are savoring the taste of this time together...even though some moments are somewhat bitter.

If we come to mind, we would covet any prayers laid at His feet on our behalf. The misconception that the world seems to have on the subject of death is that time will heal. Well, maybe A LOT of time. But for now, time has not healed. In fact it's done just the opposite. It's brought about the reality that this IS our reality. She's not with us anymore. It really is a stark reality if I must say so. Not one that time has done a whole lot for so far. In fact, I think it's gonna be a long, long, long while before time really is a factor here.

So for now, I relish in my few days with the ones I love. And make more memories to hold close to my heart.

All the Time

I was asked today, when it is the hardest? When does it hurt the worst?

Anytime I think of her. Anytime she comes to mind. Anytime something 'helps' me to remember her.

All the time it is hard. All the time it hurts unbearably.

If I allow myself to go to the place of letting my emotions feel their depth....then that is when it is truly the hardest & the worst.

I don't allow myself to go to that place often.....

Engraved

~love, beauty, courage & respect~

When I looked up the meaning for a 'red' rose...these were the first 4 words. Do you know what else this defines? My mom. She was love in it's truest form. She may have come across as 'hard' to those who did not know her well...but it didn't take long was you spent time with her to realize that she was complete beauty. Inside & out. And her courage went from one end of the earth to the other. She never let fear stop her in tackling anything placed before her. Everything was done completely & head on. And because of these three other characteristics, one couldn't help but come to respect her. She was the real deal.

She also loved red roses. They held special meaning to her. She had many pictures & items throughout her house reflecting the red rose. She even had one tattooed on her ankle. Everyone who knew her well, knew that this was her 'thing'.

I have written your name on the palms of my hands. ~ Isaiah 49:16

This verse has always held special meaning to me ever since I read my friend, Christina's thoughts on it. I truly do believe God prepares us for what is to come sometimes. And this is one of those cases for me. The entry that Christina wrote about her beloved Judson in relation to this verse is one that I reread many times. Why? I was never sure. I even questioned it. I mean if you spend anytime reading anything from Christina....it ALL draws you in. She is a gifted writer for sure. So why this entry?

Preparation for the days that were to come in my world. Preparation to make a choice for a loved one that I will always hold dear.

My mom.

I knew almost immediately what I would be doing.

While I was home on Maui, I engraved this on my wrist. (Well, not me personally, a tattoo artist did it :)) It is a symbol I see many times every single day. It's a permanent reminder of my mom. Her character of love, beauty, courage & respect. And although it was decided to do this to honor her...It was placed strategically to honor the One who gave her to me. The One who permanently & forever engraved me on the palms of His hands. Every time I look at it my heart is filled with a depth of emotion that places both my feet on Holy Ground. Death has seemed to help me know the full capacity of Life. And getting this tattoo has been a visual reminder of that throughout my days.

(Although I value all opinions of those who love the Lord & love me....this entry is not intended to be an open forum & debate on whether or not a tattoo is right or wrong in the Biblical sense. It really is okay if we differ in this area. I mean, one of my closest & dearest friends, 'Bobby', completely holds opposite standards on this subject. But he loves & respects me regardless of the TWO tattoos that I fashion.....and I certainly don't hold it against him that he has chosen to shy away from the ink. We are both children of the same God. And our love for each other & the Father is not altered because we differ in this area. This entry was written solely to draw you to the most intense Love that we have ever had lavished upon us. ~I have written your name on the palms of my hands.~)

By Faith, Not Sight

I found the follow little story on a friends CaringBridge site. I've never read this....but I love it. Out of the mouths of babes.......

One Nation, 'Under God'.
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children.

The TEACHER asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky..


TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.


TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist….

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the LITTLE GIRL asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?


TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?


TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?


TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?


TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!


'FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT' ~II CORINTHIANS 5:7

Somebody sure is raising their kids right!