Devastated. The word that describes my heart the best. I am frightened. I allow myself to go to the place of being panicked. I have called everyone. Some are even on their way. Tomorrow holds so much. Our son is being born as a 'preemie'. But that is not the biggest 'news'.
I have Breast Cancer. We don't know more than that. Has it metastasized? What stage am I? is it the rare type, Inflammatory, like I suspect? What does the future hold? Is there a future?
In a short time, I have gone from being full of joy because I am pregnant to having my world completely turned upside down. Everything as it was has come to a complete stop. I have absolutely no control anymore.
"Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life." - Romans 8:6
This scripture reminds me to keep my focus on God rather than on myself. How am I supposed to do this right now in the midst of devastation?! Breathe and make the choice. That's what I am 'hearing' from Him. I have so struggled to 'be still' before His Throne. Oh, how I want to be able to do it through this time.
I desire to be full of joy, renewed by His grace and focused on Him. Use this time, Lord. As I know no other way to go forward. Without you would be for me to continue to carry this devastation that is trying to cling to me.