Update 3/24/08

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”--Ecclesiastes 11: 5

In the midst of trials we become so lost. But I am so thankful that Someone knows the way out.

Hi everyone
I am so so sorry that it has taken so long for me to update. And what is possessing me to do it now, I don’t know…..

The last you heard is that I was going for more scans and my mom was coming. Well, she got here and we were all enjoying having her and then Takai, Torryn & I were hit with food poisoning. So that was a hit of about 4-5 days. In the middle of all that I DID go for my scans….oh, how fun to be sick while doing all that.

When that all cleared, we enjoyed the last few days with my mom and sent her on her way home. THEN, the very next day (last Thursday) I was hit like a ton a bricks with this awful flu going around. I am still pretty sick. It seems as if every day I develop new symptoms on top of the ones I already have. This thing is incredible. I don’t remember ever being this sick before. And, yes, I know I just dealt with chemo and stuff….but, I’m serious…if you know someone with this flu bug….reach out and help um….cause it has been kicking my bootieJ (Thanks Stacy for helping me out through this)

So the results of my scans…….

EVERYTHING IS CLEAR!!! I basically show the scar tissue from the cancer. (And as explained by my doctor again….the reason I still go for maintenance chemo is because there is no way of knowing if any cancer is hiding dormant within this tissue). But we did find out that my ‘pain’ is valid. I have a ‘compressed’ disc. And surgery is not an option for me because I will probably slowly acquire more ‘problems’ as time goes on. My doc said I probably have shrunk since all this has started. He also got very ‘honest’ with me and told me that when he first saw my xrays way back when…..my entire spine was basically ‘eaten up’ (my words) by the cancer. So for my body to be where it is now is amazing!

So for now, I am trying to look at the bright side. As always….I’m here!! And when I look at the whole picture from a medical standpoint…it just reminds me of the miracles I have been granted. I will learn to deal with this new challenge of pain. As always, I cherish your prayers. Me being here is evidence that they are heard.

Well, my burst of energy has fallen short and I’m beginning to make more typos than normal. I will update more in a couple of days.

Thank you to all of you for continually making it known of your love and support.

In His Grip
Shannon

Psalm 55:4-8

'My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.' -vs 4

Oh my Lord, how I am consumed. I know now what it means to be in this world not of it. Heaven would be so much more than living within the walls of this attack.

'Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.'

-vs 5

My whole body seems to be encompassed, slowly being devoured by the enemy. He is using this beast to hold me down as I try to fight against the weight.

'I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest' - vs 6

Father, how I would soar. I would try to reach you way up in the majestic skies...the heavens. I do question if I would go back to my old 'normal'. No. I have 'seen' too much. My new 'normal' hurts more, but it does allow me to be in Your presence more intimately.

'I would flee far away and stay in the desert;' - vs 7

My desert of escape would not be barren. It would display His majesty of colors that only He could bring to such a dry place.

'I would hurry to my place of shelter,far from the tempest and storm.'

- vs 8

My place of escape is often what escapes me. You need to be my place. Only You can keep me from the storm. You will carry me through all of this.

Update 3/6/08

“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” –Hebrews 13:5

I have to start by thanking those of you who have been 'by my side' this week with encouragement. Because I have been on my own (Roy's out of town), I have appreciated so much all the wonderful ways you have thought to bring me joy.

I was able to get to the doctor earlier then expected and was able to go over my scans with him. They both appear clear. Although, the bone scan doesn’t thoroughly cover the main area of pain. So we have agreed for 2 more MRIs next week. I will go in for one that covers the entire lower back and one for the right hip. There still is that ‘chance’ of cancer. BUT, without saying it, I know my doctor is leaning more towards it being a possibility of a slipped/herniated disc. It’s funny how this second option in a cancer free world would be devastating. But for me, in this here and now…..I’m thrilled. Yes, my pain is extreme…but I can LIVE with it.

I go in for the scans on Monday and will meet with my doctor by the end of the week. My brain MRI actually looked better than it did 3 months ago. Which means, again, the Gamma Knife was a wise choice. The headaches seem to be pointing to my spine damage. For now though, there’s no way of knowing.

My appointments for the next couple weeks will be easier to meet because my mom will be coming in tomorrow to help out. How blessed am I?!!! I’m not sure who’s more excited, the kids or me.

As you ‘heard’ through my last couple of updates, I seemed to be riding a roller coaster ride with many twists and loopty loops. It’s refreshing that during these times I can always fall back on the promise that He never leaves me, nor forsakes me. He hears my doubts before I voice them, He catches each and every tear that falls and He pulls me to His lap as I struggle to just be at His feet. There is no way that I can say that this is easy. But I am becoming more and more thankful for these lessons that teach me not to get too complacent. Embracing each moment and experience is crucial to understanding our true purpose.

Thank you for your continued prayers & support. You are an important factor in my days and are a crucial part of my story.

Shannon

I Know He Can

"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." --Proverbs 19:21

Okay, sometimes I really don't like what I get out of scripture. It's not what I want to hear because it doesn't always fit into my plans. But when it comes down to it...He knows best. These two verses were given to me today and I love what they give me. I am reassured in my heart of what my head already knows. His wants the best for me and His plan for my life will happen. I do not need to worry about a thing.

Easier said than done. I go into the doctor to find out if the 'beast' is back in 1 1/2 hours. Saying things out loud is very theraputic. We've all heard of the 'little engine that could'. Well, I'm the little servant that can...."I know He can, I know He can, I know He can".

God is God

All last year everyone compared me to Job....I was their 'Jobette'. I studied him. In the midst of things, I myself didn't feel that it was 'as bad' as what he dealt with. God was holding me and giving me strength beyond my own understanding.

I see that now. I see it all. I do feel like Job. "When will it all end?" I thought I was strong before. And actually I think I was. God made me so strong to deal with it all. Did I think I was 'all that'? No....but I did know He was the reason I was strong. It's confusing to explain, but easy to understand. Especially now.

These days of waiting to find out if the cancer is back has been torturous. I don't feel strong at all. I feel at my weakness. Everything...EVERYTHING is out of my control. It's funny how we tend to show the world only a fraction of our lives but yet we expect them to understand it all. How unfair of me to do this to those who are trying to understand.

It's easy to let yourself get caught up in the 'woe is me' play. And I know right now anyone would give me that right. Life is hard and it sucks big time. " God will not give you more than you can handle" is so misinterpreted. The verse actually says, "He will not let you be TEMPTED beyond what you can bear." Two totally different things here.

Conclusion: Temptation & more than I can handle are two different things. God will not allow me to be tempted beyond. BUT, I am not promised anywhere that I would not be given more than I can handle. I feel better knowing this in some sort of twisted way. It's nice to know that my life IS too much. That I'm not losing it when I feel like I DO have TOO MUCH on my plate.

The flip side of knowing this is that it is that much easier to feel sorry for myself. But I have to remind myself often that none of it matters in the whole scheme of things. What I mean by this is that God is God. Not matter if life is easy or hard, fun or sad, whether people get me or not, with cancer or without. God is God. His promises are the same. I need to claim Him in ALL circumstances in order to be right where He wants me to be.

Life is painful. That's the way it's supposed to be. If it wasn't it would be too easy to get complacent and want to be here rather than where we were made to be....next to Him.

Update 3/1/08

I come tonight with no news. I hope to be connecting with my doctor on Monday. As I am going a little stir crazy waiting these results.

I am broken. My spirit is crushed. I’m having a hard time breathing through this part of my journey.

There is so much anxiety going through my body. I long for sleep to escape it, but cannot seem to drift off to dream land because of it. Every time I feel the pain, or have a headache, or ‘this’ or ‘that’….my thoughts have started immediately wondering to ‘the beast’. I hate that it is robbing me of my security that I have had. Not just the security of being CANCER FREE, but in the amazing peace that He has given me since day one when I was diagnosed.

One would think that the actually ‘diagnosis’ time back in Dec. of ’06 would have been the tougher of times. Yesterday, today, tomorrow….they seem to rate much higher on the pain scale.

I’ve been questioning ‘why?’. Why is it harder now? My conclusion is this…

During ‘diagnosis’ time I was surrounded. I was pregnant and in lots of pain. My family was there for me before I even knew of the cancer. Once I was ‘diagnosed’, I was immediately surrounded by so many ready to love me and my family through it all.

But now the thunderous impact of the ‘diagnosis’ is gone. I’m not physically surrounded with the ‘masses’. (Don’t get me wrong….I still have my core group. But the ‘masses’ have scattered to love on others….as it should beJ.)

I’ve questioned how I mentally and emotionally made it back then. I had so many who became His hands, His love, His comfort, His peace, His joy, His laughter…..they became like Him. His likeness. To be surrounded by ‘Him’ was mine.

I am challenged now to be surrounded by Him without all the ‘physical’ help. I need to see Him, feel Him, desire Him & love Him without the ‘masses’ to help me.

I am tested. I want physical touch. I want words that I can hear. I want people reassuring me. I want my ‘masses’.

But all I truly need is Him. And that is escaping me as I feel like I am being swallowed by gut wrenching circumstances.

Please continue to pray for me in the next couple of days as I wait. Pray that I don’t get lost in self pity, worry, & doubt. Pray that I allow myself to be satisfied with ONLY HIM.

Thank you all for revealing a little bit of ‘Him’ through your love towards me.
Love, Shannon

(all that said.....I must quickly say THANK YOU to everyone for your prayers, words of encouragement, phone calls, babysitting, gifts, dinners, emails, etc, I even have a family providing house cleaning.---so thoughtful & practical. And I am forever humbled by those who have been fasting on my behalf. He blesses me beyond what you may even imagine by your love.)