“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.”--Ecclesiastes 11: 5
In the midst of trials we become so lost. But I am so thankful that Someone knows the way out.
Hi everyone
I am so so sorry that it has taken so long for me to update. And what is possessing me to do it now, I don’t know…..
The last you heard is that I was going for more scans and my mom was coming. Well, she got here and we were all enjoying having her and then Takai, Torryn & I were hit with food poisoning. So that was a hit of about 4-5 days. In the middle of all that I DID go for my scans….oh, how fun to be sick while doing all that.
When that all cleared, we enjoyed the last few days with my mom and sent her on her way home. THEN, the very next day (last Thursday) I was hit like a ton a bricks with this awful flu going around. I am still pretty sick. It seems as if every day I develop new symptoms on top of the ones I already have. This thing is incredible. I don’t remember ever being this sick before. And, yes, I know I just dealt with chemo and stuff….but, I’m serious…if you know someone with this flu bug….reach out and help um….cause it has been kicking my bootieJ (Thanks Stacy for helping me out through this)
So the results of my scans…….
EVERYTHING IS CLEAR!!! I basically show the scar tissue from the cancer. (And as explained by my doctor again….the reason I still go for maintenance chemo is because there is no way of knowing if any cancer is hiding dormant within this tissue). But we did find out that my ‘pain’ is valid. I have a ‘compressed’ disc. And surgery is not an option for me because I will probably slowly acquire more ‘problems’ as time goes on. My doc said I probably have shrunk since all this has started. He also got very ‘honest’ with me and told me that when he first saw my xrays way back when…..my entire spine was basically ‘eaten up’ (my words) by the cancer. So for my body to be where it is now is amazing!
So for now, I am trying to look at the bright side. As always….I’m here!! And when I look at the whole picture from a medical standpoint…it just reminds me of the miracles I have been granted. I will learn to deal with this new challenge of pain. As always, I cherish your prayers. Me being here is evidence that they are heard.
Well, my burst of energy has fallen short and I’m beginning to make more typos than normal. I will update more in a couple of days.
Thank you to all of you for continually making it known of your love and support.
In His Grip
Shannon
One needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames are the hottest as to burn away all the impurities. His eyes never leave the precious metal and knows it is refined & finished when He can see His own image in it....May He see His image in me.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Psalm 55:4-8
'My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death assail me.' -vs 4
Oh my Lord, how I am consumed. I know now what it means to be in this world not of it. Heaven would be so much more than living within the walls of this attack.'Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.'
-vs 5
My whole body seems to be encompassed, slowly being devoured by the enemy. He is using this beast to hold me down as I try to fight against the weight.'I said, "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest' - vs 6
Father, how I would soar. I would try to reach you way up in the majestic skies...the heavens. I do question if I would go back to my old 'normal'. No. I have 'seen' too much. My new 'normal' hurts more, but it does allow me to be in Your presence more intimately.'I would flee far away and stay in the desert;' - vs 7
My desert of escape would not be barren. It would display His majesty of colors that only He could bring to such a dry place.'I would hurry to my place of shelter,far from the tempest and storm.'
- vs 8
My place of escape is often what escapes me. You need to be my place. Only You can keep me from the storm. You will carry me through all of this.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Update 3/6/08
“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” –Hebrews 13:5
I have to start by thanking those of you who have been 'by my side' this week with encouragement. Because I have been on my own (Roy's out of town), I have appreciated so much all the wonderful ways you have thought to bring me joy.
I was able to get to the doctor earlier then expected and was able to go over my scans with him. They both appear clear. Although, the bone scan doesn’t thoroughly cover the main area of pain. So we have agreed for 2 more MRIs next week. I will go in for one that covers the entire lower back and one for the right hip. There still is that ‘chance’ of cancer. BUT, without saying it, I know my doctor is leaning more towards it being a possibility of a slipped/herniated disc. It’s funny how this second option in a cancer free world would be devastating. But for me, in this here and now…..I’m thrilled. Yes, my pain is extreme…but I can LIVE with it.
I go in for the scans on Monday and will meet with my doctor by the end of the week. My brain MRI actually looked better than it did 3 months ago. Which means, again, the Gamma Knife was a wise choice. The headaches seem to be pointing to my spine damage. For now though, there’s no way of knowing.
My appointments for the next couple weeks will be easier to meet because my mom will be coming in tomorrow to help out. How blessed am I?!!! I’m not sure who’s more excited, the kids or me.
As you ‘heard’ through my last couple of updates, I seemed to be riding a roller coaster ride with many twists and loopty loops. It’s refreshing that during these times I can always fall back on the promise that He never leaves me, nor forsakes me. He hears my doubts before I voice them, He catches each and every tear that falls and He pulls me to His lap as I struggle to just be at His feet. There is no way that I can say that this is easy. But I am becoming more and more thankful for these lessons that teach me not to get too complacent. Embracing each moment and experience is crucial to understanding our true purpose.
Thank you for your continued prayers & support. You are an important factor in my days and are a crucial part of my story.
Shannon
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
I Know He Can
"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." --Jeremiah 29:11
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." --Proverbs 19:21
Okay, sometimes I really don't like what I get out of scripture. It's not what I want to hear because it doesn't always fit into my plans. But when it comes down to it...He knows best. These two verses were given to me today and I love what they give me. I am reassured in my heart of what my head already knows. His wants the best for me and His plan for my life will happen. I do not need to worry about a thing.
Easier said than done. I go into the doctor to find out if the 'beast' is back in 1 1/2 hours. Saying things out loud is very theraputic. We've all heard of the 'little engine that could'. Well, I'm the little servant that can...."I know He can, I know He can, I know He can".
Sunday, March 2, 2008
God is God
All last year everyone compared me to Job....I was their 'Jobette'. I studied him. In the midst of things, I myself didn't feel that it was 'as bad' as what he dealt with. God was holding me and giving me strength beyond my own understanding.
I see that now. I see it all. I do feel like Job. "When will it all end?" I thought I was strong before. And actually I think I was. God made me so strong to deal with it all. Did I think I was 'all that'? No....but I did know He was the reason I was strong. It's confusing to explain, but easy to understand. Especially now.
These days of waiting to find out if the cancer is back has been torturous. I don't feel strong at all. I feel at my weakness. Everything...EVERYTHING is out of my control. It's funny how we tend to show the world only a fraction of our lives but yet we expect them to understand it all. How unfair of me to do this to those who are trying to understand.
It's easy to let yourself get caught up in the 'woe is me' play. And I know right now anyone would give me that right. Life is hard and it sucks big time. " God will not give you more than you can handle" is so misinterpreted. The verse actually says, "He will not let you be TEMPTED beyond what you can bear." Two totally different things here.
Conclusion: Temptation & more than I can handle are two different things. God will not allow me to be tempted beyond. BUT, I am not promised anywhere that I would not be given more than I can handle. I feel better knowing this in some sort of twisted way. It's nice to know that my life IS too much. That I'm not losing it when I feel like I DO have TOO MUCH on my plate.
The flip side of knowing this is that it is that much easier to feel sorry for myself. But I have to remind myself often that none of it matters in the whole scheme of things. What I mean by this is that God is God. Not matter if life is easy or hard, fun or sad, whether people get me or not, with cancer or without. God is God. His promises are the same. I need to claim Him in ALL circumstances in order to be right where He wants me to be.
Life is painful. That's the way it's supposed to be. If it wasn't it would be too easy to get complacent and want to be here rather than where we were made to be....next to Him.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Update 3/1/08
I come tonight with no news. I hope to be connecting with my doctor on Monday. As I am going a little stir crazy waiting these results.
I am broken. My spirit is crushed. I’m having a hard time breathing through this part of my journey.
There is so much anxiety going through my body. I long for sleep to escape it, but cannot seem to drift off to dream land because of it. Every time I feel the pain, or have a headache, or ‘this’ or ‘that’….my thoughts have started immediately wondering to ‘the beast’. I hate that it is robbing me of my security that I have had. Not just the security of being CANCER FREE, but in the amazing peace that He has given me since day one when I was diagnosed.
One would think that the actually ‘diagnosis’ time back in Dec. of ’06 would have been the tougher of times. Yesterday, today, tomorrow….they seem to rate much higher on the pain scale.
I’ve been questioning ‘why?’. Why is it harder now? My conclusion is this…
During ‘diagnosis’ time I was surrounded. I was pregnant and in lots of pain. My family was there for me before I even knew of the cancer. Once I was ‘diagnosed’, I was immediately surrounded by so many ready to love me and my family through it all.
But now the thunderous impact of the ‘diagnosis’ is gone. I’m not physically surrounded with the ‘masses’. (Don’t get me wrong….I still have my core group. But the ‘masses’ have scattered to love on others….as it should beJ.)
I’ve questioned how I mentally and emotionally made it back then. I had so many who became His hands, His love, His comfort, His peace, His joy, His laughter…..they became like Him. His likeness. To be surrounded by ‘Him’ was mine.
I am challenged now to be surrounded by Him without all the ‘physical’ help. I need to see Him, feel Him, desire Him & love Him without the ‘masses’ to help me.
I am tested. I want physical touch. I want words that I can hear. I want people reassuring me. I want my ‘masses’.
But all I truly need is Him. And that is escaping me as I feel like I am being swallowed by gut wrenching circumstances.
Please continue to pray for me in the next couple of days as I wait. Pray that I don’t get lost in self pity, worry, & doubt. Pray that I allow myself to be satisfied with ONLY HIM.
Thank you all for revealing a little bit of ‘Him’ through your love towards me.
Love, Shannon
(all that said.....I must quickly say THANK YOU to everyone for your prayers, words of encouragement, phone calls, babysitting, gifts, dinners, emails, etc, I even have a family providing house cleaning.---so thoughtful & practical. And I am forever humbled by those who have been fasting on my behalf. He blesses me beyond what you may even imagine by your love.)
I am broken. My spirit is crushed. I’m having a hard time breathing through this part of my journey.
There is so much anxiety going through my body. I long for sleep to escape it, but cannot seem to drift off to dream land because of it. Every time I feel the pain, or have a headache, or ‘this’ or ‘that’….my thoughts have started immediately wondering to ‘the beast’. I hate that it is robbing me of my security that I have had. Not just the security of being CANCER FREE, but in the amazing peace that He has given me since day one when I was diagnosed.
One would think that the actually ‘diagnosis’ time back in Dec. of ’06 would have been the tougher of times. Yesterday, today, tomorrow….they seem to rate much higher on the pain scale.
I’ve been questioning ‘why?’. Why is it harder now? My conclusion is this…
During ‘diagnosis’ time I was surrounded. I was pregnant and in lots of pain. My family was there for me before I even knew of the cancer. Once I was ‘diagnosed’, I was immediately surrounded by so many ready to love me and my family through it all.
But now the thunderous impact of the ‘diagnosis’ is gone. I’m not physically surrounded with the ‘masses’. (Don’t get me wrong….I still have my core group. But the ‘masses’ have scattered to love on others….as it should beJ.)
I’ve questioned how I mentally and emotionally made it back then. I had so many who became His hands, His love, His comfort, His peace, His joy, His laughter…..they became like Him. His likeness. To be surrounded by ‘Him’ was mine.
I am challenged now to be surrounded by Him without all the ‘physical’ help. I need to see Him, feel Him, desire Him & love Him without the ‘masses’ to help me.
I am tested. I want physical touch. I want words that I can hear. I want people reassuring me. I want my ‘masses’.
But all I truly need is Him. And that is escaping me as I feel like I am being swallowed by gut wrenching circumstances.
Please continue to pray for me in the next couple of days as I wait. Pray that I don’t get lost in self pity, worry, & doubt. Pray that I allow myself to be satisfied with ONLY HIM.
Thank you all for revealing a little bit of ‘Him’ through your love towards me.
Love, Shannon
(all that said.....I must quickly say THANK YOU to everyone for your prayers, words of encouragement, phone calls, babysitting, gifts, dinners, emails, etc, I even have a family providing house cleaning.---so thoughtful & practical. And I am forever humbled by those who have been fasting on my behalf. He blesses me beyond what you may even imagine by your love.)
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Happy vs. Joy
Happy & Joy have pretty much always meant the same thing to me. To have one is to have the other. Lately I have been reevaluating this. I want so much to be happy in this valley I am in. But I've realized it's pretty much impossible. I do have 'happy' times or moments. But on the whole, I am struggling to claim that I am happy.
I have felt guilty about this because one might think that we should be happy as Christians. But I am realizing that not to be the case. Life is hard and it is impossible to always be happy. That was taken from us in the beginning in the garden. But when we look for Joy, we can find it. It is possible to always have the Joy of the Lord.
Spirit-filled joy can be found in Him. It is not easy for me to find if I don't take time to meditate on Him. God's smile is an important thing for me to 'picture'. When I do this, then I seem to have Joy seep into my very being. I used to tell my students, in times of tears, to "look up & it will remind you that God is right there". Most times they couldn't help but smile. When they did this, it didn't mean they were immediately happy....but I do believe He gave them some of His Joy.
Right now I am 'looking up' quite a bit. I am so thankful in this time of unhappiness, that He loves me so much to allow His smiling face to bring Joy to my soul. It allows me to breathe and grab a hold of Peace along the way.
I have felt guilty about this because one might think that we should be happy as Christians. But I am realizing that not to be the case. Life is hard and it is impossible to always be happy. That was taken from us in the beginning in the garden. But when we look for Joy, we can find it. It is possible to always have the Joy of the Lord.
Spirit-filled joy can be found in Him. It is not easy for me to find if I don't take time to meditate on Him. God's smile is an important thing for me to 'picture'. When I do this, then I seem to have Joy seep into my very being. I used to tell my students, in times of tears, to "look up & it will remind you that God is right there". Most times they couldn't help but smile. When they did this, it didn't mean they were immediately happy....but I do believe He gave them some of His Joy.
Right now I am 'looking up' quite a bit. I am so thankful in this time of unhappiness, that He loves me so much to allow His smiling face to bring Joy to my soul. It allows me to breathe and grab a hold of Peace along the way.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Update 2/26/08
I have been battling what to write in this update. I strive each time I write to communicate in some sort of way how He has blessed me through this whole experience. I also have tried to be discerning on what I share with whom. To cause another to stumble is a heavy burden for my heart.
But I received the following through the grapevine of friendship. It captures my heart and is the reason I am choosing to share my heart in such transparent way this evening.
We all have such pride and asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. I know for me it is. We feel it is a sign of weakness. But in reality it is a sign of strength. Not only as Christians, but as good people in general, it is important we have our back up. But to have them at all times. Not just in times of trouble. It is so good to know I have my back up and when I need to be lifted up in prayer or know someone who does, I can send out an email, text or make a call and within minutes I know my back up will have the chain of prayers linking together and making it stronger and stronger.
Accountability it is not just a buzz word.........it's a lifestyle.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. - James 5:16
4 reasons why we don't call for back up:
1. Calling for back up means we need help.
2. Calling for back up means we expose our weakness.
3. Calling for back up has been unsuccessful.
4. Calling for back up means we have to be honest with ourselves.
4 reasons we must call for back up:
1. Back up is safe.
a. Trust in the midst of trial.
b. Boundaries are a blessing.
2. Back up is superior.
a. Reliable and ready
b. Free from ridicule and reaction.
3. Back up is speedy.
a. Priority for a purpose.
b. Anywhere and anytime.
4. Back up is strength.
a. Community brings consistency.
b. Community is strengthened by compassion.
I just wanted to share this with you because you are a part of my back up and I am forever blessed to have you in my life.
My last update shared how I have been having headaches. Literally the next day I began having extreme back pain. I went in to have my chemo within 2 days. I was able to talk with my doc face to face while I was there. ‘Just to be safe’ – he & I agree to do another brain MRI & a full body bone scan within the week (it’s this Thursday). I said in my last update that my instincts say it’s related to the damage to my spine. But once the back pain kicked in….my thoughts have been wondering.
….the past couple days the pain has been getting worse. I find myself wondering if it’s the ‘same’ as before I was diagnosed. Today has been emotionally hard. Which is to be expected….but I’m sending out this very ‘raw’ update because I have made up my mind that ‘educating’ others on the reality of this horrible disease is more important that everyone feeling all happy & comfortable. Please, don’t get me wrong….my love and appreciation for all of you really is beyond MY comprehension. BUT….I need/want to expose this awful sickness for what it is. It is with me for the rest of my life. Every time I feel a twinge, a tweak….or now, a PAIN….my thoughts will immediately go to cancer and think the worse.
The bible says “fear no evil” (Psalm 23:4) & “Be strong, do not fear” (Isaiah 35:4).
I know all of this is not from Him. We live in a fallen world that disease is a consequence of. He still wants to walk with me…carrying me through this. But I am struggling to put all my fear at His feet while in this waiting period. I have failed over the past year to fully show all my vulnerability with all of you. I’ve been picky. I have wanted to appear strong, in control, sure & faithful. When in reality, I am weak, so out-of-control, very fearful and lacking in trust. You are my back up. All of you. And I would covet your prayers for my ‘sanity’ in the next week or so as I wait through this until results come back…CLEAN!
All along I have said that I want this whole cancer experience to be about ‘teaching others’. The only way people can learn the entire ‘lesson’ is to be ‘taught’ the entire subject. Well, as I considered what to write tonight, He challenged me with all of this. To be vulnerable, raw & transparent. Not to wait until the ‘good’ is here to share.
I am truly sorry for those family & friends who are close to me that this is pretty much shocking. I haven’t talked with anyone about all this and right now…it’s past all of our bedtime and I don’t want to wake anyone:)
Writing is so therapeutic for me…that just doing this has stopped the tears and brought a smile. Thank you being the ones that support me…even in my very raw, transparent & vulnerable moments.
I have the best back up!!
Shannon
But I received the following through the grapevine of friendship. It captures my heart and is the reason I am choosing to share my heart in such transparent way this evening.
We all have such pride and asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. I know for me it is. We feel it is a sign of weakness. But in reality it is a sign of strength. Not only as Christians, but as good people in general, it is important we have our back up. But to have them at all times. Not just in times of trouble. It is so good to know I have my back up and when I need to be lifted up in prayer or know someone who does, I can send out an email, text or make a call and within minutes I know my back up will have the chain of prayers linking together and making it stronger and stronger.
Accountability it is not just a buzz word.........it's a lifestyle.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. - James 5:16
4 reasons why we don't call for back up:
1. Calling for back up means we need help.
2. Calling for back up means we expose our weakness.
3. Calling for back up has been unsuccessful.
4. Calling for back up means we have to be honest with ourselves.
4 reasons we must call for back up:
1. Back up is safe.
a. Trust in the midst of trial.
b. Boundaries are a blessing.
2. Back up is superior.
a. Reliable and ready
b. Free from ridicule and reaction.
3. Back up is speedy.
a. Priority for a purpose.
b. Anywhere and anytime.
4. Back up is strength.
a. Community brings consistency.
b. Community is strengthened by compassion.
I just wanted to share this with you because you are a part of my back up and I am forever blessed to have you in my life.
My last update shared how I have been having headaches. Literally the next day I began having extreme back pain. I went in to have my chemo within 2 days. I was able to talk with my doc face to face while I was there. ‘Just to be safe’ – he & I agree to do another brain MRI & a full body bone scan within the week (it’s this Thursday). I said in my last update that my instincts say it’s related to the damage to my spine. But once the back pain kicked in….my thoughts have been wondering.
….the past couple days the pain has been getting worse. I find myself wondering if it’s the ‘same’ as before I was diagnosed. Today has been emotionally hard. Which is to be expected….but I’m sending out this very ‘raw’ update because I have made up my mind that ‘educating’ others on the reality of this horrible disease is more important that everyone feeling all happy & comfortable. Please, don’t get me wrong….my love and appreciation for all of you really is beyond MY comprehension. BUT….I need/want to expose this awful sickness for what it is. It is with me for the rest of my life. Every time I feel a twinge, a tweak….or now, a PAIN….my thoughts will immediately go to cancer and think the worse.
The bible says “fear no evil” (Psalm 23:4) & “Be strong, do not fear” (Isaiah 35:4).
I know all of this is not from Him. We live in a fallen world that disease is a consequence of. He still wants to walk with me…carrying me through this. But I am struggling to put all my fear at His feet while in this waiting period. I have failed over the past year to fully show all my vulnerability with all of you. I’ve been picky. I have wanted to appear strong, in control, sure & faithful. When in reality, I am weak, so out-of-control, very fearful and lacking in trust. You are my back up. All of you. And I would covet your prayers for my ‘sanity’ in the next week or so as I wait through this until results come back…CLEAN!
All along I have said that I want this whole cancer experience to be about ‘teaching others’. The only way people can learn the entire ‘lesson’ is to be ‘taught’ the entire subject. Well, as I considered what to write tonight, He challenged me with all of this. To be vulnerable, raw & transparent. Not to wait until the ‘good’ is here to share.
I am truly sorry for those family & friends who are close to me that this is pretty much shocking. I haven’t talked with anyone about all this and right now…it’s past all of our bedtime and I don’t want to wake anyone:)
Writing is so therapeutic for me…that just doing this has stopped the tears and brought a smile. Thank you being the ones that support me…even in my very raw, transparent & vulnerable moments.
I have the best back up!!
Shannon
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Update 2/16/08
It has been over a month since I last updated and many of you have been asking.
There’s not much to report. I am working on getting my bone scan done (never got it done before Christmas.) Originally, I was just having it done for information purposes. I wanted to know the extent of damage. Now I, along with my doctor, want it done because of some side effects that I have been having.
I have been experiencing many headaches. Actually, I have had to classify them as migraines. They cause so much pain that I struggle to ‘function’ when they come on. And sometimes they come on quick. The problem I am having is they are happening almost daily and I am limited on medication because of the ‘sleepy’ side effects not being a good combo with having the kids J Also, my back pain seems to have magnified a bit.
I know some of you become immediately worried….don’t. Remember, I have good instincts. I ‘knew’ I had cancer before I was diagnosed. I ‘knew’ about most of my weird side effects. Right now, I just think I need to know what’s happening with my spine. I truly believe it all to be related. (Don’t get me wrong….I will be getting everything checked thoroughly. Like I said, I have good instincts but I’m also not naïve. Part of my new ‘normal’ is realizing that anything ‘new’ needs to be discussed and covered with my doc.) But I truly do think it is spine related. The bummer is that if I am having this deep pain at the lower end of my tailbone, also lower back pain, AND the migraines….it seems to be pointing to the fact that my entire spine has damage. It could be the whole thing…or just the parts that seem to be hurting.
What does this mean? Well, unofficially, it means that pain will be a part of my life. Medication for this will have to become a daily thing. We (my doc & I) will have to figure out what I can take and still function as a mommy. Some have asked if surgery is an option. Truthfully, we know nothing until I do the scan. Which we are working trying for the next week or so. What I do know is this. In my moments of weakness during my pain I am attempting to use it as a reminder of His Grace. Point blank…: I am here….alive. We all know my prognosis was statistically on the lower percentile last January. If I did not have these lasting effects, maybe I would not reflect with Thanksgiving as often. Twisted? Maybe. But I prefer to call it a ‘painful’ blessing.
As always I come asking for prayer:
*for the pain throughout my back
*for the ‘migraines’
*for the ability to make all doctor’s appointments
*finances
*housing (possibility we may have to move)
*time management (being a full-time mommy is challenging in itself, with my physical & ‘mental’ disadvantages….it gives challenging a whole new meaning for me)
*to remain persistent in my pursuit of His purpose(s) for this journey
Thank you all for your continued support, friendship & love. I say it again and again. There are so many points throughout my days that I grasp for just a piece of Peace. You have become His love to me. When I receive an email, letter, phone call, package, meal, gift, time, prayer, etc. -- you may never know how you bless me…my heart. Some of you have even said that you had no idea a certain action actually meant so much. Well, I’m here to tell you how tremendous you all are! As I daily reflect on the blessing of my healing, I do not take for granted the blessings of each of YOU!!
Thank you for being a part of my journey.
There’s not much to report. I am working on getting my bone scan done (never got it done before Christmas.) Originally, I was just having it done for information purposes. I wanted to know the extent of damage. Now I, along with my doctor, want it done because of some side effects that I have been having.
I have been experiencing many headaches. Actually, I have had to classify them as migraines. They cause so much pain that I struggle to ‘function’ when they come on. And sometimes they come on quick. The problem I am having is they are happening almost daily and I am limited on medication because of the ‘sleepy’ side effects not being a good combo with having the kids J Also, my back pain seems to have magnified a bit.
I know some of you become immediately worried….don’t. Remember, I have good instincts. I ‘knew’ I had cancer before I was diagnosed. I ‘knew’ about most of my weird side effects. Right now, I just think I need to know what’s happening with my spine. I truly believe it all to be related. (Don’t get me wrong….I will be getting everything checked thoroughly. Like I said, I have good instincts but I’m also not naïve. Part of my new ‘normal’ is realizing that anything ‘new’ needs to be discussed and covered with my doc.) But I truly do think it is spine related. The bummer is that if I am having this deep pain at the lower end of my tailbone, also lower back pain, AND the migraines….it seems to be pointing to the fact that my entire spine has damage. It could be the whole thing…or just the parts that seem to be hurting.
What does this mean? Well, unofficially, it means that pain will be a part of my life. Medication for this will have to become a daily thing. We (my doc & I) will have to figure out what I can take and still function as a mommy. Some have asked if surgery is an option. Truthfully, we know nothing until I do the scan. Which we are working trying for the next week or so. What I do know is this. In my moments of weakness during my pain I am attempting to use it as a reminder of His Grace. Point blank…: I am here….alive. We all know my prognosis was statistically on the lower percentile last January. If I did not have these lasting effects, maybe I would not reflect with Thanksgiving as often. Twisted? Maybe. But I prefer to call it a ‘painful’ blessing.
As always I come asking for prayer:
*for the pain throughout my back
*for the ‘migraines’
*for the ability to make all doctor’s appointments
*finances
*housing (possibility we may have to move)
*time management (being a full-time mommy is challenging in itself, with my physical & ‘mental’ disadvantages….it gives challenging a whole new meaning for me)
*to remain persistent in my pursuit of His purpose(s) for this journey
Thank you all for your continued support, friendship & love. I say it again and again. There are so many points throughout my days that I grasp for just a piece of Peace. You have become His love to me. When I receive an email, letter, phone call, package, meal, gift, time, prayer, etc. -- you may never know how you bless me…my heart. Some of you have even said that you had no idea a certain action actually meant so much. Well, I’m here to tell you how tremendous you all are! As I daily reflect on the blessing of my healing, I do not take for granted the blessings of each of YOU!!
Thank you for being a part of my journey.
I would love to claim the following little story as my own, but it was written by someone else. I share it with you tonight because it ‘captures’ a miracle that I hadn’t thought about. And I pray you will be as excited as I was to ‘discover’ it. Because the miracle includes you and is you……
"The Brave Little Soul"
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"
God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. "God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone."
The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go!! I would love to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!!"
God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."
God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."
Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, strangers became friends and every family spent more time together. People sent notes of encouragement. People brought meals to the family of the suffering. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened.
God was pleased ......
I am so blessed
Shannon
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"
God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. "God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone."
The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go!! I would love to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!!"
God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."
God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."
Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, strangers became friends and every family spent more time together. People sent notes of encouragement. People brought meals to the family of the suffering. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened.
God was pleased ......
I am so blessed
Shannon
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Psalm 23:4
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." --Psalm 23:4
I have been clinging to the 23rd Psalm for many months now. I have been reading it and quoting it throughout many of my uncertain times. As I am here now in, what should seem, 'the up side' of my journey....I am reflecting on it more as I feel stuck.
Life is so hard. In no way could I compare to the pain that comes with 'death'. But in the ways people respond, it is similar.
Forgotten. Time has passed and others forget. They forget that I am still living this life. Life of pain (again, not to compare in any way to the pain of 'death'.) Daily it is all a struggle.
Tears. Many, many tears. My children shed them. I shed them. And deep inside, I know my husband does too. We all struggle. Every part of the day is hard. There is so much physical 'stuff' that encompasses us. When the majority of the household has 'issues', how are we supposed to cope?
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." --Psalm 23:4
This verse has taken on new meaning to me. (I just love how God can take a 'familiar' verse and use it a whole new way to meet out needs.) I am not supposed to focus all my attention on this dark valley that I am in. I need to see through it. Past all the darkness. I need to look past it and realize there is another side.
This valley full of shadows is a place to just go through....not a place to stay.
It's hard and dark right now, but I am so thankful that my God does not want me to stay here. Not only is He walking beside me. He's ready to lead me out. I need to let go of the reigns and walk on the path He takes. Because the other side will reflect Him.
And He is all that is good.
I have been clinging to the 23rd Psalm for many months now. I have been reading it and quoting it throughout many of my uncertain times. As I am here now in, what should seem, 'the up side' of my journey....I am reflecting on it more as I feel stuck.
Life is so hard. In no way could I compare to the pain that comes with 'death'. But in the ways people respond, it is similar.
Forgotten. Time has passed and others forget. They forget that I am still living this life. Life of pain (again, not to compare in any way to the pain of 'death'.) Daily it is all a struggle.
Tears. Many, many tears. My children shed them. I shed them. And deep inside, I know my husband does too. We all struggle. Every part of the day is hard. There is so much physical 'stuff' that encompasses us. When the majority of the household has 'issues', how are we supposed to cope?
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." --Psalm 23:4
This verse has taken on new meaning to me. (I just love how God can take a 'familiar' verse and use it a whole new way to meet out needs.) I am not supposed to focus all my attention on this dark valley that I am in. I need to see through it. Past all the darkness. I need to look past it and realize there is another side.
This valley full of shadows is a place to just go through....not a place to stay.
It's hard and dark right now, but I am so thankful that my God does not want me to stay here. Not only is He walking beside me. He's ready to lead me out. I need to let go of the reigns and walk on the path He takes. Because the other side will reflect Him.
And He is all that is good.
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