In An Instant

(This was taken from my CaringBridge site)

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."
- Proverbs 27:17

I have been thinking a lot about the beauty of this Caring Bridge site. I started this site to keep family & friends informed of all that is going on with me with during my journey with Breast Cancer. In return, it has also become a great source of encouragement for me during the most difficult of days. Most importantly it became a prayer chain in itself, bringing together family and

friends, old and new, encouraging and praying for one another.

I must say that like most families who find themselves in the midst of a health crisis, it seems almost surreal while you are in the middle of it. This time 2 years ago, I was pregnant & happy. I knew it was the 'last' one and was enjoying it to the fullest. I never would have thought that in an instant all that would be taken from me! In an instant I was fighting for my life. In an instant.

I am so grateful for this site and for all of you who have been carried me through the worst of days...and still are. Because I have learned that in an instant things change.

The great news for today is this....there is no change! Nothing new to report...WOW! I sure love that.

I went to the doctor last Friday and all is good. Yes, my back is still in pain...but as I have said many times....I'll take it. :) I'm back to seeing my doctor every 6 weeks...instead of every 3. I just love it when this happens. Next I get to spread it out to every 3 months. Can't wait!

God is good. All the time! Thank you for being a part of His plan for my 'in an instant'. I wouldn't change a thing. Because if I did, I wouldn't be as thankful for where my heart is because of this journey.

My 'in an instant' has forever changed my life. Thanks for being a part of it.

Glimpes of Him

It's so easy to 'see' God in the midst of a storm. Or even when things are fantastically good (Even though we tend to forget to thank him during this time:) But when things are calm and when everything seems to be going smoothly with no 'big' interruptions...well, God seems to take the back burner. We get into a routine that doesn't always include Him. It's not on purpose, just routine. And even when we make the commitment to spend time with Him during these 'calm' times, we don't always allow ourselves to 'see' Him.

Bible study, quiet time with absolutely no interruptions, going to church, a 'spiritual' conversation all seem so 'spiritual'. Waking up with the baby in the middle of the night, running the kids to class & commitments, playing ball in the backyard, going to DQ for a quick treat - all seem so 'non-spiritual'.

As a mom of three busy little ones, I find the concept of non-spiritual activities to be non-existent. I want so much for my children to see God for who He is and all that He has done. I am being challenged to take ALL moments to be spiritual. Everything I do with them can be a time to show them God. These ordinary moments that I encounter with them are each an awesome opportunity to look for God in the midst of the ordinary. We all have the opportunity to discover Him everywhere in everything. If I am doing my job as a Christian mom than I should be allowing my children (and all around me) to discover some glimpses of Him in ordinary places, activities, people & especially in small ordinary moments.

Playing with the turtles, taking pictures of the 3 of them looking for roley poleys, singing in the car on the way to school, being silly as we put on jammies, taking a walk just down the street, talking about our day, nap time, mealtimes, bath times, bedtime, anytime....even during discipline. These are just a few of my ordinary times. What's funny is that it is these times that will forever be embedded in my heart and memory. And those 'spiritual' times that everyone talks about....they are often forgotten as soon as it's done.

There are many days that I struggle with the pain and circumstances that my family has been 'left' with after all we endured medically & financially last year. It would be so easy to ask God for an escape from it all. Although, my heart would not be where it is today if it were not for that time. I now am fully grasping the meaning of these quiet, non-spiritual moments. It's in these 'ordinary' moments that I am allowing myself to truly take time to catch glimpses of Him

White vs. Black

There are so many names that we are able to call Jesus. Jehovah, Emmanuel, Saviour, Lord, Friend

When it comes to Satan, there are just as many. Devil, the Enemy, Destroyer, Thief, Evil, Beast

In our world of black, white & things can get so mixed up. Our Christian values tend to become jumbled up sometimes when we analyze things. Sometimes by forgetting to pray & reading the Bible. Other times by allowing conflict to get involved in trying to decipher what God really wants from us.

The world, today, tends to lead us to believe that there is gray from which we can choose. I find that gray allows us a 'safe' way out. A way for us NOT to have to take a solid stand. A way for us NOT to have to spend time asking God what He wants, waiting for His answer, and then following through the way He would want. As I have matured in my walk the Lord, I am finding that there may be some areas that are a 'different' calling from me to the next person. For example: makeup, dating, tattoos, commitments, foods, etc. But if one is truly seeking what God wants for them, He WILL help them to see what His will is for THEIR life in that particular matter. It may be different from even your bestest of friends...but still, it could be His will for YOU. And the matter contains no gray. Just black or white. Yes or no....and sometimes....wait.

But when looking at the list of names that follow Jesus & Satan, all the gray fades away. There is no in between when in comes down to choosing a side. How could anyone think there's middle ground? I, personally think these list puts it all into perspective.

Black or White?

You choose.

Because

Jesus' character is something we will never achieve. So why try?

Because each trait is one to be admired! And to reach one, just one, is an accomplishment to be proud of till the end of our days. One to brag about within our innermost self. One to teach our children. One to share with others in the display of grace.

Just one would be amazing to claim.

The flip side of this is knowing that we could never be anywhere near the person that Jesus was/is. He is God. He is Holy Spirit. He is Trinity. He is perfection.

So, again, why try?

There is not enough time left in our existence to teach the many reasons why. Plus, they've already been taught in a very special book. It's actually pretty simple to figure out the answer to the question, "Why try?"

simply, because.

"IT"

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I was sent a very clear message. Now is the time to get it right....ALL of IT!!! And what mattered most was my relationship with Christ. Everything else would follow.

Cancer had a way of shaking me to my very core. My focus shifted from the trivial as I grabbed a hold of this incredible opportunity. This was 'it'! The 'it' that god used to get my attention. And if I continue to focus and trust Him, it can be the 'it' that allows me to become nothing/ insignificant as He becomes everything/substantial.

I have always loved Him. As the years past, I learned to love Him in a more mature fashion. But now, I am 'in love' with Him. He IS my ALL. I've always wanted to be in this place. Although, I will admit, I never would have dreamed the path to get here.

CANCER --- a true beast. Without question, from the enemy. He sent it to destroy, not only me, but everyone within my radius. It has tried over and over to ravish me alive (so to speak.)

BUT

His love for me...not my love for Him...has kept my heart & attitude right where it needs to be to continue to see & hear Him. Even in those moments of weakness (and believe me, there are many) He continually proves to be faithful. I am unworthy but will always want to bring Him all the glory. As I attempt to grab hold of this unbelievable path, journey...tool....I will continue to pray again and again through Psalm 71.

"In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame.

Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;

turn your ear to me and save me.

Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;

give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.

Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,

from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord,

my confidence since my youth.

From birth, I have relied on you;

you brought me forth from my mother's womb.

I will ever praise you.

I have become like a portent to many,

but you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,

declaring your splendor all day long.

Do not cast me away when I am old;

do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together.

They say, "God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him."

Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me.

May my accusers perish in shame;

may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteousness,

of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.

I will come and proclaim your mighty act, O Sovereign LORD;

I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,

and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me,

O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.

Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,

you who have done great things.

Who, O God, is like you?

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

I will praise you with the harp for you faithfulness, O my God;

I will sing praise to you with the lyre,

O Holy One of Israel.

My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-

I, whom you have redeemed.

My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long,

for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion."

Priority

I have realized that Satan makes it his priority to keep me from my priorities. I know it's what he is all about...but HOW DARE HE?!!! I have enough trouble saying 'no' to people, schedules & things that I sure don't need him helping me along. He works his hardest to just bog me down with 'things' with the one goal of keeping me from my God. He doesn't want me to spend any time with Him. He wants me to forget what my true purpose is here on this earth.

My biggest struggle has always been to just 'be still'. I truly love spending time with my Lord. BUT...finding the time in the busyness of life makes it hard. Or should I say...making time.
That's it!!! I need to make time. Jesus said in Mark 6:31, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." He, himself, always found time to be apart with His Father. It's been said, "If you don't 'come apart for a little while,' then you might 'fall apart for a long while.'

Priorities. I MUST set godly priorities for myself. Then, and only then, will I conquer the enemy and what he is trying to take from me. I don't think that most of my choices are wrong - or sin. They just might be something that is happening at the wrong time for me. I need to be cautious that the 'eternal' is my priority. The things of this world are only 'temporal' and therefore need to fall down the line of importance.

What am I filling my time with? My life is busier that it has ever been. So shouldn't I be spending more time with my Lord? Or at least making my time with Him even more of a priority than ever before?! With 3 young children a mother has so much on her plate. I am finding that in order to have my Priority right I must say "no" sometimes. I must put Him first in order to keep my children in order. And when they are in order they see my Priority. When this is accomplished they may set their own Priority for their little lives.

How dare Satan? NO....How dare I allow it to continue to happen when I know what I must do.

Be still and make time for my Jesus.

Looking Deep

When I looked at my children today I couldn't help but wander if my Father looks at me the same way.

There are times that I stare in amazement how they put two and two together when solving a 'problem'. The words that come out of their little mouths make my mouth drop...sometimes because I am astonished at their brilliance...while other times I am mortified by their words. They seem to embrace life (when it's convenient) most of the time. While other times, they get lost in the moment and just can't help it but too embrace it. When they are silent, I wonder if they are being still...or just burnt out from activity.

Is this what my Daddy sees when looking at me? Is He amazed when I problem solve in this adventure called life?

Are my words beaming with the brilliance that only He could teach? -Or is He mortified by what just 'slips out'?

Does He see me embracing this miracle of a second chance that He has given me at life? -Or am I already lost in the everyday life that the world gives...forgetting Who has given me it ALL?

Am I so focused on being burnt out? -Or am I consistent in being still before Him?

Tonight as I was putting them to bed, they looked younger & more vulnerable. Isn't it sweet how jammies and quiet can turn their faces more angelic. My angels. What is my example? Do they know Him through me? As I look at them, they are looking at me.

I am responsible for what they see. I MUST become His child at ALL times. Not just when time permits. I MUST be an obedient child in order for my children to see Him. It is my job. My duty. My privilege.

What do they see? What does He see? He is looking.

But, more importantly, what does He KNOW?!

Update 4/5/07

I have to start by, again, saying thank you to all of you who continue to love on me and my family. There continues to be this feeling of ‘WOW!” every time I try and comprehend all that we have gone through and how many of you who are walking this road with us.

I went in for another appointment with my doctor today. (And I must say AGAIN….I am so blessed with great doctors. Make sure if you are ever in similar shoes….fight to find doctors who make you feel this way.) Anyways – we talked again about the pain and some added symptoms I have been having. I told him that the pain has traveled over to my left side now, my left ankle is extreme pain all the time, along with frequent ‘visits’ of imbalance and feeling light headed. We came to the conclusion to wait 3 more weeks and see if my having the flu has caused the imbalance/light headedness. The ankle pain is just an onset of arthritis and something I can't remember the medical term for...but it had to do with the weakness in my bones. It's just another thing I will slowly have more of in time.

As for the back pain…..he just reiterated what we have talked about before….that I need to not be doing so much. Going all day without resting combined with way too much lifting is compounding everything for my body. My pain will continue to worsen as time goes by. Symptoms will continue to come and go as I do things beyond what my body is capable of doing. And some things are just gonna be here to stay. Basically, there is not a whole lot besides some really good drugs that can be done (Which by the way, I am able to get really nice meds with an oncologist, but with 3 kids...can't take them like my body wants. Which is good & bad. I will not have to worry about getting addicted, but my body does cry out for them sometimes VERY LOUDLY:)

It has been suggested to get some ‘hired help’. But as most of you know, with all of this has come the mountain of medical bills, so money for extra hands is just not something we can do. And, honestly, I don’t see myself being able to watch ‘some stranger’ take care of my kids. So I continue to ask for prayers in this area.

As I sit here typing all this, I am fine with it all. I continue to be so thankful that I AM HERE. But truthfully, in the chaos of my normal day of mothering…there are many times that I am crying out for His healing hand to touch me again. There are many times that I honestly don’t know how to get through to the next moment. Those of you who have allowed me to open up and ‘spill my heart’ mean the world to my sanity right now. I don’t want to be someone who harps on this. It is what it is. There are so many of you who are dealing with so much worse than me.

As I tackle this daily, I have begun to really think about the many miracles of 2007 that my family was blessed with. And I am realizing that who am I to say that He’s done. I have already put limitations on what He is able to do. Who am I to put Him in a box? I seem to have a mindset that I am on a different part of my journey, therefore settling for second best…or should I say, “just settling” & thinking that the ‘big stuff’ (on His end) is done.

I read something yesterday that shook me where I stand in this mindset I’ve been in.

“Miracles are not something God does on a whim. He knows each and every ‘move’ that He will take and has known it since the beginning of time. Miracles are for His glory. We benefit in order to give Him this glory.”

He knows where I am at every moment. He is walking with me…and sometimes, literally carrying me. My mindset & heart is reaching towards Him with a fresh outlook at what is truly happening…

He has healed me once when medically I didn’t really stand a chance. Although, I will always be content to be in this place physically….I am now standing firm in my prayers for His healing again. I will anxiously be watching for His miracles in my life. Because glorifying Him is truly my honor & privilege.

I can never express my gratitude to all of you who hold me before His throne. There is nothing of more value to me.

With love, Shannon