Good Friday's Healing

Jesus bore my sins upon His body on Good Friday. We celebrate this as we get prepared to celebrate Easter in few days.

I am unsure of what is happening in my own body. Cancer has invaded it and the doctors, drugs, my family & friends and myself are trying to get it out! I am at every doctors appointment just anticipating what will come. I have to do everything I can to assure that I am giving it 110% effort to keep on living. I know this horrendous disease does not belong in me.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." - Psalm 103:2-3

Many times I find myself going to this verse. It would be easy to claim His physical healing of my cancer. (Which, by the way, is totally within His abilities!) But I am realizing, as I dig deeper into what Psalm 103 is saying, could be that I may not be healed of my cancer while in my earthly home. It might not happen until I see my Savior face to face.

And ultimately, I have learned that I am already healed....Jesus bore all evil upon His body many years ago. There really is no room in His kingdom for things such as cancer. Nor is there room for it in my body. He is always, ALWAYS for me and never against me. This includes this moment in my life. As I wonder what is happening inside my body, I am reassured that He was there before the Enemy tried to invade. He will forever be inside of me regardless of what my body goes through. He has full control of every cell, each drip on medicine, any growth of disease....He has full control.

So whether I am healed physically or not I am finding peace in knowing that I am already healed by what He did for me thousands of years ago on a wooden cross.

Sitting on the Edge of Hell

"God, you're my last chance of the day.

I spend the night on my knees before you.

Put me on your salvation agenda;

take notes on the trouble I'm in.

I've had my fill of trouble;

I'm camped on the edge of hell.

I'm written off as a lost cause,

one more statistic, a hopeless case."

- Psalm 88:1-4

This place I am in is the ultimate of earthly loneliness. I am surrounded by more than ever before. But yet, I am lonely. Not one has been in my shoes. Thus, the understanding is only limited to the extent of knowledge and God given sensitivity.

There is One though. One who can reach me. One who can pull me from this place. One who will come to the edge of hell to guide me to a place that is not so hot.

While I'm in this place, I am reminded of a few things. I'm not IN hell. I'm only on the edge. For some reason, or maybe many....God has allowed these things to transpire in my life and the lives of my family. BUT He IS here with us. He has not nor will never leave us in this place alone. Already I have been blessed to feel Him in a new and mysterious way. Only because of where I am is this possible. Would I have chosen this path for myself. NO. But without is I would be so much emptier.

I am lonely. But I am not alone. Many are here, willing to hold my hand as I walk down this uncharted road. And for reasons I may never know this side of heaven, I am sitting on the edge of hell.

"I'm written off as a lost cause, one more statistic, a hopeless case." Thankfully, my God is a loving God. One who comes to the aide of those who are lost. He is not at God of statistics...He just IS. And most importantly, He can take anything that looks hopeless and transform it. Because He is Hope.

I may be sitting on the edge of hell. But with His love I am gaining strength to stand & turn my back to the heat.

My Heartbeat

Life is busy. My life, your life,everyones. In this busy world of ours, I sometimes find it hard to grab a quiet moment to relax with my God and His Word. I am so thankful for His creation of music. It is where my soul replenishes itself. It should not take away from Scripture....but I do believe He can use it to teach and feed us if we just listen.

Miracle of the Moment by Steven Curtis Chapman
There's only One who knows

What's really out there waiting

And all the moments yet to be

And all we need to know

He's out there waiting

To Him the future's history

And He has given us a treasure called right now

And this is the only moment we can do anything about

So breathe it in and breathe it out

And listen to your heartbeat

There's a wonder in the here and now

It's right there in front of you

And I don't want you to miss the miracle of the moment

And if it brings you tears

Then taste them as they fall

Let them soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter

Then throw your head back

And let it go

Let it go, yeah

You gotta let it go

And listen to your heartbeat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rResKXjKqjQ

I will always be thankful how He is bringing me through this journey. He is enabling me to listen to my heartbeat more closely.

How thankful am I that He consumes it?!

update 3/18/07

This is an update the night after Tala was hospitalized diagnosed with diabetes and Takai was also admitted to the hospital. It's inbetween my 4th & 5th treatments.
Tala's sugar count was 895, well beyond 'safe'. It is a miracle that she was still with us. Although, she was pretty out of it, she was conscious the whole time. Medically, it was amazing by the staff that treated her.
Needless to say, I was quite weak upon hearing, 5 hours after admitting Tala, that Takai was being rushed by ambulance with my Mom because of breathing issues. Seriously, I think I literally went on auto pilot. Once Takai got there, it was endless test to see what the issue was. He ended having an odd swelling in his throat that need surgery.
Knowing that 2 of my children were fighting for their lives in 2 seperate places was beyond what I thought I could handle. Thankfully, I'm not the One in charge.:) God is good and He continues to amaze me with each turn of events. The enemy continues to try and strike me down. And even when I am weak, my Jesus is strong. Thank goodness. Because I have never felt so weak. Literally. In every capacity. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I AM in the palm of His hand.

Family & Friends

Wow!! What a wild past few days it has been...and it's not over yet. But I wanted to take a quick moment to thank you all for you prayers and support. All of this has been overwhelming to say the least. But it has been made a little easier to bare with the help so many of you have given.

Both kids are doing good. Takai had a small surgical procedure done yesterday to get rid of the growth on the inside of his throat. He cannot be released until they figure out what it was. Lots of test are being done on it, but he is doing wonderfully. Eating, sleeping, breathing, and just so happy. He's like a new baby. Tala has stabilize and just an hour ago was taken off all of her IVs. She began taking shots this evening, which are not fun. But they need to happen in order for her to go home.

Things we will need prayer on:

*Tala to come to terms with such a BIG thing in her life
*Tala to be able to handle her shots well....they are not fun for any of us....so extra hard for a child
*Shannon to come to terms with her little girl having to go through this....only mother's understand a mother's heart *Roy to come to terms too....only fathers can understand his helplessness as a father who want's to protect his little girl.
*Shannon's immune system to stay healthy while being stressed, tired and in the hospital environment
*Takai to continue to thrive and go home on Monday
*Torryn to be okay as things are CRAZY at home and he's having to go without mommy all day long for days
*Grandma & Roy as they are the one's doing night duty at the hospital and not getting much sleep
*Great Grandma for her willingness to do whatever and go where ever she's need.....very tiring keeping up with our family's excitement
*The Mantia's (my sister & family) to stay strong and healthy as they watch and play with Torryn and still do all the extra's that I need them to do...basically putting their lives on hold for us

LOTS TO PRAY FOR...that's why we need you:)


Thank you so much LeeAnn, Gale, Julie and Jen for all your extra time you are giving to my family....there really are no words....only tears of thankfulness as I think of each of you!!

All that said and done....I want to leave you with some encouragement....

**Don't forget that Takai's birth was a miracle....he and I should not have survived my ruptured uterus
**Tala's still being with us is a miracle.....she was so bad off that she should have at least been in a coma if not worse
**Takai could have gotten so obstructed and could have stopped breathing at anytime....another miracle

Believe in miracles....I DO!!!

The questioned I'm pondering so often right now is "Why am I the privileged one to be a part of so many of these miracles?" Hebrews 13:5 says "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." He keeps proving this to me. Please be encouraged by our miracles....maybe one is waiting around the corner for you.....watch carefully or you might miss it.:)

Things will continue to be busy for a while. But I love hearing from you. Please know that your emails, cards, calls, etc. are always an encouragement for me.

With Peace, Shannon

Losing My Long Locks

When most of us think of cancer, we immediately wonder about hair. Huh? Yes, hair. Everyone wants to know if the person is going to loss their hair.

I learned how naive I really was when I started this journey. I thought everyone lost theirs. But actually, it has to do with only a couple of chemo drugs that cause it. Granted, they are very common ones. But it opened my eyes to the fact that their are many, many people walking amongst us that are going through cancer without us even knowing because they still have their hair.

For me, I am one of the lucky ones....I lost my hair.

Lucky, or as I like to refer to it...blessed. The lessons I have learned through this one small part of my journey have been life changing. Don't get me wrong, I did NOT want to loss my hair. I have gone through life with hair down to my behind. I have had short hair only once and hated it. So losing my hair brought about very high anxiety just thinking about it. Also, the fact that I had only about 3-4 weeks to prepare for it didn't help. (It usually happens after the first treatment or 2.)

Along with my own feelings, I was concerned for my 6 year old daughter. She was bound to have some issues with the whole experience. How does one go about doing all this if front of watchful eyes? Thankfully, with the advice of a good friend, I was able to 'tackle' this challenge with a little bit of 'style'.

I chose to have my kids be a part of the whole thing from the start. We were upfront about what was going to happen and why. We told them that losing my hair was a blessing. It meant that the 'big medicine' (what we called my chemo) was doing it's job. I was blessed with many wigs. They are all styles, lengths and colors. I have had a blast having a different look everyday. I can go from being a brunette to a blonde to a red head. How fun!

The funny thing is that I wanted to go about this obstacle with some dignity and grace (mostly for Tala's sake). But in the end, God is teaching me one of the biggest lessons of my life.

"Before his downfall a man's heart is proud, but humility comes before honor."

- Proverbs 18:12

Cancer is showing me how proud my heart truly is. And it is my downfall. I am thankful that I have been given this opportunity to change my prideful ways. Having clumps of hair fall out and see it all over is a lesson in humility if I have ever seen one. It would be easy for God to 'remove' the hair issue from cancer. What I mean is that He could make it so none of us has to loss our hair while going through this. But He hasn't. Maybe because they go hand in hand to aide us in learning how to honor Him.

They both together allow us to see our downfall, learn to surrender our pride and with true humility, learn to honor Him with everything that is left....a heart ready to receive Him with no reservations.

Yes, losing my hair has been, by far, one of the toughest things I have had to go through emotionally. But I will forever be grateful for this unique opportunity to learn the true meaning of humility.

Thank You

To my dear Friends

How sad it is that I'm resorting to this tacky way of saying Thank You. But I know you all understand that my time is limited right now. And the little I have is being spent with my kids and taking naps:) I have for many days been trying to get to the writing of cards...but a good friend told me to not even worry about it. Of course, I still can't stop thinking about it and all of you. So I came up with a compromise for myself. Please don't think of yourself or your actions as tacky as my gesture to Thank You.

Stephanie: Thank you for your willingness to have Tala over and take her to dance on Tuesdays. She loves going to your house and playing. I appreciate your sensitivity to her sweet spirit and for loving her with a mother's heart.

Wendy: Wow! I have been given so much, that I was so thankful for your thoughtfulness for my kids. They loved their gifts...and I appreciated that you even wrapped them. You, too, loved my children with such a mother's love.
Thanks! (And when time presents itself, I will be trying to call you for advice on some of the stuff you mentioned in your email to me.)

Karen: It's sad that it takes something like this for us to be in touch with each other again...but I was so glad to talk to you. And what a surprise to get the booties (which will always be a keepsake for Takai) and for my afghan that I know you made with love. I will cuddle with a smile. Mahalo

Denise: What can I say to a lady with your sweet spirit?! You mean so much to me. I do thank God for you and how you fervently hold me up to Him daily. When I think of you I have no doubt of your commitment to be with me through this whole journey. Everyone should have a sister like you to look up to. (Thank you also for the little but big things that you are doing...like writing Thank You notes for me to others...how thoughtful.)

Amy: It's amazing how we see each other every few years, but still feel close to one another because of our special connection. Thanks for the CD. What a nice and unexpected gift. Thanks for thinking of me and what my spirit might be needing right now.

Kathy & Lee: You guys are awesome. LeeAnn already told you we would love to have your table and chairs. Thanks for thinking of us. It's beautiful and I am so excited. Thank you for being so giving.

Betty: Your quilt is Torryn and my's new nap time blankie. So unexpected!! Secretly you have to know that I have always wanted one of your quilts...now I got one. Thank you for immediately thinking of me. When Susan told me about it I was so excited. And now it's here and I'm still excited when I see it and cuddle with it.

Jimmy & Shawyne: I loooove being in touch with you guys again. Thank you for your gift. It was very thoughtful. I can't begin to thank you both though for all your prayers. Like my friend, Denise, I know you are going to Him on my behave many, many times over. I love you!

Jen & Julie: How can I thank you two for the unbelievable gift of your giving. The Garage Sale, everything at Grace, loving me and my family, taking care of us last week when my Mom was sick, etc, etc, etc. In such a short time you have come to mean so much to me. I smile every time I think of either of you. Thank you both so much....and please relay to your families how much I DO NOT take their sacrifice of you being away from them for granted. They are special people too!!!!!

Susan, Antoinette & Julie: I love you!!! Thank you for being there for me in so many ways. You are and forever will be My Girls...need I say more?!

The Daughters, the Dunbars & the Thompsons: To my faithful prayer warriors. I know that I am never far from your minds and hearts. Thank you mommys and daddys for teaching your little ones how important it is to think of others and to pray for them. I just love that they are praying for me too. Please tell them that I love them.

LeeAnn: What can I say to my friend who is helping me hold it all together through all of this. There really are no words. Our friendship started out just being that...a friendship. I am so thankful that He brought us together as
sisters. Thank you for being there for everything and willing to do anything. I don't know how other people make it without one of you in their lives. I truly cherish you!

Mom: How do you thank someone for giving up their own life for you to have yours. You truly do resemble Christ in your love and actions towards me.

Roy: You never leave me in the hospitals, you are holding my heart so tenderly through this, you are giving up yourself's comforts for others to invade, you are getting to know your kids with the 'feminine' side of you for me, and you are doing it all for me. I love you!

Again, I know this is a tacky way to go about thanking all of you for so much that means the world to me. But I truly do appreciate all of you and everything you have done for me and my family throughout the beginning part of this
journey.

In Him,Shannon

update 1/23/07

To my family & friends,

A few of you already know most of what I am about to share. But there are some that have not heard the news of how the Pinkard household has been changed in the past three weeks.

On Friday Dec. 29th I received a phone call from my doctor with the diagnosis of having Breast Cancer. From that moment on my world has been full of excitement. By PM that afternoon I had an amnio done to see if the baby was ready to be delivered (he would be 4 weeks early.) And at 11 PM that evening we received the call from my OB to say we would be having a baby at 11am the next morning. Needless to say, Roy and I were trying to absorb it all while trying to spend some time with Tala & Torryn before we were off for a 4 day trip in the hospital.

At 12:18pm Dec30th our baby boy was born healthy.
Takai Abraham Makanakamanaolana Pinkard
5lbs 8 ounces 17 1/2 inches

He did need oxygen assistance for about 3 hours and needed antibiotics for 3 days....therefore he was in the NECU while we were in the hospital. The few days we were there were with mixed emotions. As you can imagine, we were overjoyed with the baby. But we were trying to digest the fact of my disease.

We are thankful that we were picked by God to witness just the first of His gracious miracles. In the operating room while my doctor was cutting to where my uterus should have been...she discovered that I had already ruptured. And staring back at a room of about 15 people (including Roy) through my water bag was our little boy. This was not a normal thing. No one in the room had ever seen anything like this. Takai became known as the "miracle baby" throughout the labor & delivery, maternity and Necu.

Everyone was amazed that we had survived thus far. My doctor explained that the rupture was quite large and that all the baby had to do was move and poke through my water bag and he would have had no chance and my chances would have been 10% lying on an operating table....so basically at that moment, we were able to say that so far cancer had saved our lives.

Wednesday morning I was able to get a CAT scan done while there. (We are very thankful that my OB is a wonderful lady who was ready to help my specialist in any way...and she is a good friend too.) At 12pm I got a call from my OB with the results. It confirmed our worst fears. The cancer had already to spread to other parts of my body. I have 2 tumors in my breast. One very large one along with a smaller one. It has also spread to my spine, liver, spleen, lymph nodes and I have a little fluid in my lungs.

There is really no way to explain what we were going through at that moment. Complete shock!

But our God is good and He continued to send us little reminders that He really was in control even though life felt otherwise.

Friday - diagnosis
Saturday - Baby
Wednesday - CAT scan results and home
Thursday brought me into my oncologist office and I began Chemo.

They start with chemo for my type of cancer because we hope it will bring some of the swelling down with the cancer and also because I am already at stage IV. Which means the cancer is very aggressive so they need to be aggressive in the type of treatment I receive. Since then I am thankful to be able to say that I did not get very sick. I was very tired and had a lot of aches and pains (bone pains are common from the chemo.) Nausea came very little and they give lots of medicine. We are continually praying that each treatment will be like the first, although it is all cumulative...so it could get worse each time. My hope is that it is all bearable for the kids sake.

As you can imagine life has changed dramatically for all of us. I am so thankful that my Mom has been here the entire time taking care of all of us. Roy was finally able to go back to work this week...but always worrying about us at home. The kids are definitely feeling the change of not having Mommy at her best. Please keep us all in your prayers as this is going to be a long journey.

During this time I have had so many blessings come my way through so many people. Monetary donations, dinners, diapers, formula, Gatorade, gift baskets, etc, etc. Some of you have bent over backwards to show your love and support for my family. Some of you are family and friends, but others are new to my life. It has already been so unbelievable to experience the outpouring of love and support from so many. A garage sale was held in honor of the "Pinkards" and we were humbled by the amount raised. Along with that are so many other actions that have touched my heart. Thank you to all who have given to my family in one way or another.

This is a learning process for all of us. We have been told that the first 2 weeks after a treatment will be when I am weakest. And the 3rd week I should be feeling better. It is my goal to be able to personally send out an email to touch base with all of you during that 3rd week. My friend LeeAnn will be doing all other email updates for me. Her address is coffeemama@cox.net. Please note this so you don't erase her messages.

I will be getting my 2nd treatment this Thursday. When I'm feeling sick and not up to doing a whole lot, my phone calls are being screened....but please feel free to try anyways. Even if I don't have the chance to talk, it is always nice to know that you called. And please know that you are not bothering me during this time. We are trying to be very careful with my health. Therefore, I am not having visitors (to keep out germs) and I am only going to doctor's appointments. So calls, letters and emails are very welcome.

Again, please remember my friend LeeAnn. She has been one of those blessings I mentioned. She will be glad to answer any questions you may have or relay any message. What we need most from everyone is to continually hold me and my family up in prayer. Already God has blessed us so much through this experience. But daily we need His strength to make it through to the next.

I am thankful for each of you.
Shannon

Pictures of our Miracle

Takai Abraham Makanakamanaolana Pinkard

To Breathe

My girls are here. I'm able to breathe just to have them with me. I realize God presents himself in many 'shapes & forms'. I am forever grateful for molding Himself in a comforting and tangible way during these first few days.

They are His hands, His hugs, His words, His comfort, His joy, His laughter, His peace.

I can see Him because of them. I am able to breathe.

My First Scans

January 3rd, 2007. I'm still in the hospital and Dr. T offered to do the scans to get things rolling. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have to absorb such results.

The cancer has spread. Spleen, spine, kidneys, liver & lungs. Roy and I are in a state of shock. The only thing of certainty that I have is GOD. I look at my family & friends all around me and I know that time and this disease can take them from me....or should I say...me from them. Deep, deep in my soul, I know this. By medical standards I know this is a 'death sentence'.

I see only 2 choices. Hope or give up.

I choose hope.

Hope in my Heavenly Father. Hope for all the things He has promised me. Hope for all I have claimed to believe.

I CHOOSE HOPE!!!