Happy & Joy have pretty much always meant the same thing to me. To have one is to have the other. Lately I have been reevaluating this. I want so much to be happy in this valley I am in. But I've realized it's pretty much impossible. I do have 'happy' times or moments. But on the whole, I am struggling to claim that I am happy.
I have felt guilty about this because one might think that we should be happy as Christians. But I am realizing that not to be the case. Life is hard and it is impossible to always be happy. That was taken from us in the beginning in the garden. But when we look for Joy, we can find it. It is possible to always have the Joy of the Lord.
Spirit-filled joy can be found in Him. It is not easy for me to find if I don't take time to meditate on Him. God's smile is an important thing for me to 'picture'. When I do this, then I seem to have Joy seep into my very being. I used to tell my students, in times of tears, to "look up & it will remind you that God is right there". Most times they couldn't help but smile. When they did this, it didn't mean they were immediately happy....but I do believe He gave them some of His Joy.
Right now I am 'looking up' quite a bit. I am so thankful in this time of unhappiness, that He loves me so much to allow His smiling face to bring Joy to my soul. It allows me to breathe and grab a hold of Peace along the way.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Update 2/26/08
I have been battling what to write in this update. I strive each time I write to communicate in some sort of way how He has blessed me through this whole experience. I also have tried to be discerning on what I share with whom. To cause another to stumble is a heavy burden for my heart.
But I received the following through the grapevine of friendship. It captures my heart and is the reason I am choosing to share my heart in such transparent way this evening.
We all have such pride and asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. I know for me it is. We feel it is a sign of weakness. But in reality it is a sign of strength. Not only as Christians, but as good people in general, it is important we have our back up. But to have them at all times. Not just in times of trouble. It is so good to know I have my back up and when I need to be lifted up in prayer or know someone who does, I can send out an email, text or make a call and within minutes I know my back up will have the chain of prayers linking together and making it stronger and stronger.
Accountability it is not just a buzz word.........it's a lifestyle.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. - James 5:16
4 reasons why we don't call for back up:
1. Calling for back up means we need help.
2. Calling for back up means we expose our weakness.
3. Calling for back up has been unsuccessful.
4. Calling for back up means we have to be honest with ourselves.
4 reasons we must call for back up:
1. Back up is safe.
a. Trust in the midst of trial.
b. Boundaries are a blessing.
2. Back up is superior.
a. Reliable and ready
b. Free from ridicule and reaction.
3. Back up is speedy.
a. Priority for a purpose.
b. Anywhere and anytime.
4. Back up is strength.
a. Community brings consistency.
b. Community is strengthened by compassion.
I just wanted to share this with you because you are a part of my back up and I am forever blessed to have you in my life.
My last update shared how I have been having headaches. Literally the next day I began having extreme back pain. I went in to have my chemo within 2 days. I was able to talk with my doc face to face while I was there. ‘Just to be safe’ – he & I agree to do another brain MRI & a full body bone scan within the week (it’s this Thursday). I said in my last update that my instincts say it’s related to the damage to my spine. But once the back pain kicked in….my thoughts have been wondering.
….the past couple days the pain has been getting worse. I find myself wondering if it’s the ‘same’ as before I was diagnosed. Today has been emotionally hard. Which is to be expected….but I’m sending out this very ‘raw’ update because I have made up my mind that ‘educating’ others on the reality of this horrible disease is more important that everyone feeling all happy & comfortable. Please, don’t get me wrong….my love and appreciation for all of you really is beyond MY comprehension. BUT….I need/want to expose this awful sickness for what it is. It is with me for the rest of my life. Every time I feel a twinge, a tweak….or now, a PAIN….my thoughts will immediately go to cancer and think the worse.
The bible says “fear no evil” (Psalm 23:4) & “Be strong, do not fear” (Isaiah 35:4).
I know all of this is not from Him. We live in a fallen world that disease is a consequence of. He still wants to walk with me…carrying me through this. But I am struggling to put all my fear at His feet while in this waiting period. I have failed over the past year to fully show all my vulnerability with all of you. I’ve been picky. I have wanted to appear strong, in control, sure & faithful. When in reality, I am weak, so out-of-control, very fearful and lacking in trust. You are my back up. All of you. And I would covet your prayers for my ‘sanity’ in the next week or so as I wait through this until results come back…CLEAN!
All along I have said that I want this whole cancer experience to be about ‘teaching others’. The only way people can learn the entire ‘lesson’ is to be ‘taught’ the entire subject. Well, as I considered what to write tonight, He challenged me with all of this. To be vulnerable, raw & transparent. Not to wait until the ‘good’ is here to share.
I am truly sorry for those family & friends who are close to me that this is pretty much shocking. I haven’t talked with anyone about all this and right now…it’s past all of our bedtime and I don’t want to wake anyone:)
Writing is so therapeutic for me…that just doing this has stopped the tears and brought a smile. Thank you being the ones that support me…even in my very raw, transparent & vulnerable moments.
I have the best back up!!
Shannon
But I received the following through the grapevine of friendship. It captures my heart and is the reason I am choosing to share my heart in such transparent way this evening.
We all have such pride and asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. I know for me it is. We feel it is a sign of weakness. But in reality it is a sign of strength. Not only as Christians, but as good people in general, it is important we have our back up. But to have them at all times. Not just in times of trouble. It is so good to know I have my back up and when I need to be lifted up in prayer or know someone who does, I can send out an email, text or make a call and within minutes I know my back up will have the chain of prayers linking together and making it stronger and stronger.
Accountability it is not just a buzz word.........it's a lifestyle.
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. - James 5:16
4 reasons why we don't call for back up:
1. Calling for back up means we need help.
2. Calling for back up means we expose our weakness.
3. Calling for back up has been unsuccessful.
4. Calling for back up means we have to be honest with ourselves.
4 reasons we must call for back up:
1. Back up is safe.
a. Trust in the midst of trial.
b. Boundaries are a blessing.
2. Back up is superior.
a. Reliable and ready
b. Free from ridicule and reaction.
3. Back up is speedy.
a. Priority for a purpose.
b. Anywhere and anytime.
4. Back up is strength.
a. Community brings consistency.
b. Community is strengthened by compassion.
I just wanted to share this with you because you are a part of my back up and I am forever blessed to have you in my life.
My last update shared how I have been having headaches. Literally the next day I began having extreme back pain. I went in to have my chemo within 2 days. I was able to talk with my doc face to face while I was there. ‘Just to be safe’ – he & I agree to do another brain MRI & a full body bone scan within the week (it’s this Thursday). I said in my last update that my instincts say it’s related to the damage to my spine. But once the back pain kicked in….my thoughts have been wondering.
….the past couple days the pain has been getting worse. I find myself wondering if it’s the ‘same’ as before I was diagnosed. Today has been emotionally hard. Which is to be expected….but I’m sending out this very ‘raw’ update because I have made up my mind that ‘educating’ others on the reality of this horrible disease is more important that everyone feeling all happy & comfortable. Please, don’t get me wrong….my love and appreciation for all of you really is beyond MY comprehension. BUT….I need/want to expose this awful sickness for what it is. It is with me for the rest of my life. Every time I feel a twinge, a tweak….or now, a PAIN….my thoughts will immediately go to cancer and think the worse.
The bible says “fear no evil” (Psalm 23:4) & “Be strong, do not fear” (Isaiah 35:4).
I know all of this is not from Him. We live in a fallen world that disease is a consequence of. He still wants to walk with me…carrying me through this. But I am struggling to put all my fear at His feet while in this waiting period. I have failed over the past year to fully show all my vulnerability with all of you. I’ve been picky. I have wanted to appear strong, in control, sure & faithful. When in reality, I am weak, so out-of-control, very fearful and lacking in trust. You are my back up. All of you. And I would covet your prayers for my ‘sanity’ in the next week or so as I wait through this until results come back…CLEAN!
All along I have said that I want this whole cancer experience to be about ‘teaching others’. The only way people can learn the entire ‘lesson’ is to be ‘taught’ the entire subject. Well, as I considered what to write tonight, He challenged me with all of this. To be vulnerable, raw & transparent. Not to wait until the ‘good’ is here to share.
I am truly sorry for those family & friends who are close to me that this is pretty much shocking. I haven’t talked with anyone about all this and right now…it’s past all of our bedtime and I don’t want to wake anyone:)
Writing is so therapeutic for me…that just doing this has stopped the tears and brought a smile. Thank you being the ones that support me…even in my very raw, transparent & vulnerable moments.
I have the best back up!!
Shannon
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Update 2/16/08
It has been over a month since I last updated and many of you have been asking.
There’s not much to report. I am working on getting my bone scan done (never got it done before Christmas.) Originally, I was just having it done for information purposes. I wanted to know the extent of damage. Now I, along with my doctor, want it done because of some side effects that I have been having.
I have been experiencing many headaches. Actually, I have had to classify them as migraines. They cause so much pain that I struggle to ‘function’ when they come on. And sometimes they come on quick. The problem I am having is they are happening almost daily and I am limited on medication because of the ‘sleepy’ side effects not being a good combo with having the kids J Also, my back pain seems to have magnified a bit.
I know some of you become immediately worried….don’t. Remember, I have good instincts. I ‘knew’ I had cancer before I was diagnosed. I ‘knew’ about most of my weird side effects. Right now, I just think I need to know what’s happening with my spine. I truly believe it all to be related. (Don’t get me wrong….I will be getting everything checked thoroughly. Like I said, I have good instincts but I’m also not naïve. Part of my new ‘normal’ is realizing that anything ‘new’ needs to be discussed and covered with my doc.) But I truly do think it is spine related. The bummer is that if I am having this deep pain at the lower end of my tailbone, also lower back pain, AND the migraines….it seems to be pointing to the fact that my entire spine has damage. It could be the whole thing…or just the parts that seem to be hurting.
What does this mean? Well, unofficially, it means that pain will be a part of my life. Medication for this will have to become a daily thing. We (my doc & I) will have to figure out what I can take and still function as a mommy. Some have asked if surgery is an option. Truthfully, we know nothing until I do the scan. Which we are working trying for the next week or so. What I do know is this. In my moments of weakness during my pain I am attempting to use it as a reminder of His Grace. Point blank…: I am here….alive. We all know my prognosis was statistically on the lower percentile last January. If I did not have these lasting effects, maybe I would not reflect with Thanksgiving as often. Twisted? Maybe. But I prefer to call it a ‘painful’ blessing.
As always I come asking for prayer:
*for the pain throughout my back
*for the ‘migraines’
*for the ability to make all doctor’s appointments
*finances
*housing (possibility we may have to move)
*time management (being a full-time mommy is challenging in itself, with my physical & ‘mental’ disadvantages….it gives challenging a whole new meaning for me)
*to remain persistent in my pursuit of His purpose(s) for this journey
Thank you all for your continued support, friendship & love. I say it again and again. There are so many points throughout my days that I grasp for just a piece of Peace. You have become His love to me. When I receive an email, letter, phone call, package, meal, gift, time, prayer, etc. -- you may never know how you bless me…my heart. Some of you have even said that you had no idea a certain action actually meant so much. Well, I’m here to tell you how tremendous you all are! As I daily reflect on the blessing of my healing, I do not take for granted the blessings of each of YOU!!
Thank you for being a part of my journey.
There’s not much to report. I am working on getting my bone scan done (never got it done before Christmas.) Originally, I was just having it done for information purposes. I wanted to know the extent of damage. Now I, along with my doctor, want it done because of some side effects that I have been having.
I have been experiencing many headaches. Actually, I have had to classify them as migraines. They cause so much pain that I struggle to ‘function’ when they come on. And sometimes they come on quick. The problem I am having is they are happening almost daily and I am limited on medication because of the ‘sleepy’ side effects not being a good combo with having the kids J Also, my back pain seems to have magnified a bit.
I know some of you become immediately worried….don’t. Remember, I have good instincts. I ‘knew’ I had cancer before I was diagnosed. I ‘knew’ about most of my weird side effects. Right now, I just think I need to know what’s happening with my spine. I truly believe it all to be related. (Don’t get me wrong….I will be getting everything checked thoroughly. Like I said, I have good instincts but I’m also not naïve. Part of my new ‘normal’ is realizing that anything ‘new’ needs to be discussed and covered with my doc.) But I truly do think it is spine related. The bummer is that if I am having this deep pain at the lower end of my tailbone, also lower back pain, AND the migraines….it seems to be pointing to the fact that my entire spine has damage. It could be the whole thing…or just the parts that seem to be hurting.
What does this mean? Well, unofficially, it means that pain will be a part of my life. Medication for this will have to become a daily thing. We (my doc & I) will have to figure out what I can take and still function as a mommy. Some have asked if surgery is an option. Truthfully, we know nothing until I do the scan. Which we are working trying for the next week or so. What I do know is this. In my moments of weakness during my pain I am attempting to use it as a reminder of His Grace. Point blank…: I am here….alive. We all know my prognosis was statistically on the lower percentile last January. If I did not have these lasting effects, maybe I would not reflect with Thanksgiving as often. Twisted? Maybe. But I prefer to call it a ‘painful’ blessing.
As always I come asking for prayer:
*for the pain throughout my back
*for the ‘migraines’
*for the ability to make all doctor’s appointments
*finances
*housing (possibility we may have to move)
*time management (being a full-time mommy is challenging in itself, with my physical & ‘mental’ disadvantages….it gives challenging a whole new meaning for me)
*to remain persistent in my pursuit of His purpose(s) for this journey
Thank you all for your continued support, friendship & love. I say it again and again. There are so many points throughout my days that I grasp for just a piece of Peace. You have become His love to me. When I receive an email, letter, phone call, package, meal, gift, time, prayer, etc. -- you may never know how you bless me…my heart. Some of you have even said that you had no idea a certain action actually meant so much. Well, I’m here to tell you how tremendous you all are! As I daily reflect on the blessing of my healing, I do not take for granted the blessings of each of YOU!!
Thank you for being a part of my journey.
I would love to claim the following little story as my own, but it was written by someone else. I share it with you tonight because it ‘captures’ a miracle that I hadn’t thought about. And I pray you will be as excited as I was to ‘discover’ it. Because the miracle includes you and is you……
"The Brave Little Soul"
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"
God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. "God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone."
The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go!! I would love to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!!"
God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."
God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."
Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, strangers became friends and every family spent more time together. People sent notes of encouragement. People brought meals to the family of the suffering. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened.
God was pleased ......
I am so blessed
Shannon
Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"
God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. "God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone."
The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."
Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go!! I would love to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!!"
God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."
God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."
Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, strangers became friends and every family spent more time together. People sent notes of encouragement. People brought meals to the family of the suffering. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened.
God was pleased ......
I am so blessed
Shannon
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Psalm 23:4
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." --Psalm 23:4
I have been clinging to the 23rd Psalm for many months now. I have been reading it and quoting it throughout many of my uncertain times. As I am here now in, what should seem, 'the up side' of my journey....I am reflecting on it more as I feel stuck.
Life is so hard. In no way could I compare to the pain that comes with 'death'. But in the ways people respond, it is similar.
Forgotten. Time has passed and others forget. They forget that I am still living this life. Life of pain (again, not to compare in any way to the pain of 'death'.) Daily it is all a struggle.
Tears. Many, many tears. My children shed them. I shed them. And deep inside, I know my husband does too. We all struggle. Every part of the day is hard. There is so much physical 'stuff' that encompasses us. When the majority of the household has 'issues', how are we supposed to cope?
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." --Psalm 23:4
This verse has taken on new meaning to me. (I just love how God can take a 'familiar' verse and use it a whole new way to meet out needs.) I am not supposed to focus all my attention on this dark valley that I am in. I need to see through it. Past all the darkness. I need to look past it and realize there is another side.
This valley full of shadows is a place to just go through....not a place to stay.
It's hard and dark right now, but I am so thankful that my God does not want me to stay here. Not only is He walking beside me. He's ready to lead me out. I need to let go of the reigns and walk on the path He takes. Because the other side will reflect Him.
And He is all that is good.
I have been clinging to the 23rd Psalm for many months now. I have been reading it and quoting it throughout many of my uncertain times. As I am here now in, what should seem, 'the up side' of my journey....I am reflecting on it more as I feel stuck.
Life is so hard. In no way could I compare to the pain that comes with 'death'. But in the ways people respond, it is similar.
Forgotten. Time has passed and others forget. They forget that I am still living this life. Life of pain (again, not to compare in any way to the pain of 'death'.) Daily it is all a struggle.
Tears. Many, many tears. My children shed them. I shed them. And deep inside, I know my husband does too. We all struggle. Every part of the day is hard. There is so much physical 'stuff' that encompasses us. When the majority of the household has 'issues', how are we supposed to cope?
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." --Psalm 23:4
This verse has taken on new meaning to me. (I just love how God can take a 'familiar' verse and use it a whole new way to meet out needs.) I am not supposed to focus all my attention on this dark valley that I am in. I need to see through it. Past all the darkness. I need to look past it and realize there is another side.
This valley full of shadows is a place to just go through....not a place to stay.
It's hard and dark right now, but I am so thankful that my God does not want me to stay here. Not only is He walking beside me. He's ready to lead me out. I need to let go of the reigns and walk on the path He takes. Because the other side will reflect Him.
And He is all that is good.
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Pit
This place, this pit that I am in seems like I will never be able to climb out.
I am stuck. To be swollowed. Surrounded by the enemy.
Lord, only You. Only You can reach me.
It's useless to claw at the walls. I only fall back down. To be crumpled and trampled.
Only You can reach me and pull me out.
I hold my hands up.........
I am stuck. To be swollowed. Surrounded by the enemy.
Lord, only You. Only You can reach me.
It's useless to claw at the walls. I only fall back down. To be crumpled and trampled.
Only You can reach me and pull me out.
I hold my hands up.........
Friday, February 1, 2008
Bring the Rain
We enjoy so much when life is 'fine & dandy'. We wake up happy, smile throughout the day, laugh a lot, and the most important thing....forget about God. I say, 'the most important thing' because IT IS IMPORTANT!
It's so easy to forget about Him in the good times but call on Him in the bad.
It's human nature.
It's wrong.
Should I need the proof...NO. But again I say...Bring the Rain.
It's so easy to forget about Him in the good times but call on Him in the bad.
It's human nature.
It's wrong.
Why does He tend to show himself this way? Why must we suffer first?
Again...we get out 'thinking' all wrong. It's actually quite simple. During the good times we don't take the time. The time to learn, to see, to listen, to grow. It's during the hard times that we are most vulnerable and actually have no choice to but to take the time. He actually will allow us to see, learn, listen, grow anytime.
Boy do we have it backwards....
But if that's the way I am made...then I say...Bring the Rain. It's when He has proven Himself over and over and over again to me. If it's the only way I will allow myself to be where He wants me to be...then Bring the Rain.Should I need the proof...NO. But again I say...Bring the Rain.
Bring The Rain by MercyMe
I can count a million times
People asking me how
I can praise You
With all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy,
Bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus,
Bring the rain
I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering
Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray
Bring me joy,
Bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus,
Bring the rain
Holy, holy, holy Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Is the Lord God Almighty
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Empty Space
As I reflect on God's creative power, I think of all He created. Just what is here on our planet is mind boggling. But when I think of outside our earthly box....it has me pondering space. Why is there more out there. He took time to create beyond our natural needs. Man, animals, land & sea, light & darkness, heaven & hell....they all make sence. But why other planets? Other planets lead to outer space. Outerspace leads my mind to question Him in a more complex way. Why did He feel the need to create outside the 'box'?
Outer space is a 'place' that is big. So I, like many, tend to think of a 'higher being'. And in my case....My Heavenly Father. But what perplexes me is the choosing of the 'name'- outer space. Space seems to reference emptiness. But I have come to the conclusion that with God it is just not so. In the spiritual world there is no empty space. God does not leave us to just 'wonder'. He is always there. His presence never leaves us. We are the ones who have left Him and tend to struggle to find Him. It seems that we are looking for Him when a tribulation has presented itself. And then we question why God is taking so long to answer. Or we tend to feel that He has left us in the 'desert' to thirst.
On the contrary.....
Our loving Creator sometimes authors events so that time can be a tool of teaching & learning. Time & emptiness are NOT one in the same.
So as I sit and question the desert I am thirsting in, it is my desire to remember that the 'empty space' (that I have always seen) becomes great education to my soul.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Praises from a Babe
I struggle daily, moment by moment, to praise the Lord. Do I want to? Yes, of course. But the older I get, the more this struggle persist.How do I do it right? That is the question I continue to ask myself. As if writing a sensitive letter to someone that is hurting, I do not want to offend them. Just like I don't want to offend God with the wrong way.
This morning I finally learned the 'right' way from Takai (my 1 year old). We were listening to a children's praise album as we were driving home from picking up the kids. I was singing along and glanced back (while at a stop sign) at the baby and saw him tapping his knee to the beat and 'rocking' to the music with a big smile on his face looking out the window. I sat watching him for about 30 seconds as he continued on this way. He was in God's presence, I'm sure. I was baffled at my ignorance all these years.
God doesn't want it 'right'....He just wants it.
Pure, simple, & sweet. No reservations & with nothing else occupying our thoughts.
God doesn't want it 'right'....He just wants it.
Pure, simple, & sweet. No reservations & with nothing else occupying our thoughts.
Adults struggle with this. I struggle. There is so much in our world taking space in our hearts & minds. If we would just take the time to praise Him like my child did, then the chaos within us would subside.
Oh, how I yearn to be able to praise Him like a baby.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Update 1/16/08
It’s taken me a couple days to update, mainly because of just doing ‘mommy’ duties. But I wanted to let everyone know that I officially met with my oncologist last friday and we went over the last scans in person. Everything is great! Both the CAT scan and MRI showed no cancer. The only evidence of me even having had cancer in those areas (chest & brain) was the scarring that is normal for the course. I am most excited that the ‘not-so-fun’ Gamma Knife procedure I did back in August was worth going through. I have now gone from seeing my doc every couple of weeks to not having to see him for three months.
So, officially we can say that I am cancer free!!!
Nothing beats that….but I do want to say that I have been blessed this week. While I was in the middle of doctor’s appointments I got a call from my mom to tell me that I was getting a new bed. Some of you had conspired together and pitched in for me to be given this wonderful gift. (For those of you who don’t know: Roy & I have a very old bed that is doing nothing for the pain I am in from the damage to my spine.) So now our living room is filled with boxes waiting for Roy to put it together. I can’t wait! Thank you for blessing me in such a tangible way. I will be blessed every night by your thoughtfulness.
I have been battling with acceptance this week. The acceptance that this journey continues. I am just in another chapter. The acceptance that, although I am free from ‘the beast’, cancer will always be apart of my life. The acceptance that life will never be what it was before. There is such difference now with what ‘normal’ is for us as compared to everyone else. The acceptance that cancer will be a part of my ‘normal’ everyday from here on out.
With this acceptance I have found that I am grateful. Grateful for cancer. It has not only, literally, saved me life and the life of my baby...but it has saved my heart. It’s hard to swallow this type of gratefulness at times, because with it have been the hardest times of my life. But I do consider the spiritual insight that I have received during this horrific experience to be ‘the best thing’ that could have happened to me.
(I’ve shared this scripture before…but it one that has had great meaning to me throughout my journey)
“We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally – Not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead! And He did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation – I don’t want you in the dark about that either.” 2 Corinthians 1:9-11 (MSG)
There continue to so many of you reaching out in, you claim, ‘small’ ways (which are actually really ‘big’ to me.) Thank you for all the thoughtfulness that comes our way. Prayers, ‘tangible’ things, monetary, written encouragements, word of hope, etc….are ALL blessings that will never be forgotten. Unless you have walked this road, or one similar to it….you will not be able to fully understand what a true blessing each of YOU are to me. I can only pray that God will grant you a little insight into my heart to know the joy that you bring me. Thank you never seems enough for all that you continue to do.
With joyful acceptance & gratitude
Love, Shannon
So, officially we can say that I am cancer free!!!
Nothing beats that….but I do want to say that I have been blessed this week. While I was in the middle of doctor’s appointments I got a call from my mom to tell me that I was getting a new bed. Some of you had conspired together and pitched in for me to be given this wonderful gift. (For those of you who don’t know: Roy & I have a very old bed that is doing nothing for the pain I am in from the damage to my spine.) So now our living room is filled with boxes waiting for Roy to put it together. I can’t wait! Thank you for blessing me in such a tangible way. I will be blessed every night by your thoughtfulness.
I have been battling with acceptance this week. The acceptance that this journey continues. I am just in another chapter. The acceptance that, although I am free from ‘the beast’, cancer will always be apart of my life. The acceptance that life will never be what it was before. There is such difference now with what ‘normal’ is for us as compared to everyone else. The acceptance that cancer will be a part of my ‘normal’ everyday from here on out.
With this acceptance I have found that I am grateful. Grateful for cancer. It has not only, literally, saved me life and the life of my baby...but it has saved my heart. It’s hard to swallow this type of gratefulness at times, because with it have been the hardest times of my life. But I do consider the spiritual insight that I have received during this horrific experience to be ‘the best thing’ that could have happened to me.
(I’ve shared this scripture before…but it one that has had great meaning to me throughout my journey)
“We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally – Not a bad idea since He’s the God who raises the dead! And He did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he’ll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing. You and your prayers are part of the rescue operation – I don’t want you in the dark about that either.” 2 Corinthians 1:9-11 (MSG)
There continue to so many of you reaching out in, you claim, ‘small’ ways (which are actually really ‘big’ to me.) Thank you for all the thoughtfulness that comes our way. Prayers, ‘tangible’ things, monetary, written encouragements, word of hope, etc….are ALL blessings that will never be forgotten. Unless you have walked this road, or one similar to it….you will not be able to fully understand what a true blessing each of YOU are to me. I can only pray that God will grant you a little insight into my heart to know the joy that you bring me. Thank you never seems enough for all that you continue to do.
With joyful acceptance & gratitude
Love, Shannon
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Walk with Grace
Did I walk with Grace?How do you accept a death sentence with grace?
The CAT scan showed the cancer was everywhere. I shouldn't have been too surprised. The pain that I had been feeling was so incredibly intense at times it took over my body. Everyone just chalked it up to pregnancy pains. But I knew better. There where times that the only One who understood was God. I think it was His way of preparing me to lean on Him through the journey that I was about to step into.
Liver, spleen, spine, kidneys, fluid in lungs and 2 tumors......Inflammatory Breast Cancer Stage IV.....My life was not only altered in a few days time...it was literally turned upside down and thrown side to side.
So how do I express the peace that was holding me up when everyone else was falling apart?
"Peace that passes ALL understanding." It’s the only explanation.
Some don't want to hear about God at a time like this, but yet they want to cling to Him at the same time. I watched in my time of chemo as these people graced my doorstep to take care of me and my family. As I feel better now, a year later, I wonder how much of Him I let them see.
When I was at my rawest....who was I?
Did He shine through the pain? The tiredness? The frustration? The hurt? The fear?
Who did I reveal?
Did I accept and walk with Grace?
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