Mixture of Stuff

Each of us have at least ‘someone’ in our lives that is going through ‘something’. How are we supposed to understand them? How are we supposed to help them? How are we supposed to encourage?


For some of you, this person is me. I am the one in your life that you are trying to take care of, help and understand. While others of you, it is someone else close to you. While for some of you…..it is you. And you are to afraid, timid or prideful to ask for the help that you may need. You may need meals, babysitting, monetary support, rides, a listening ear, or just someone who ‘gets it”.


Whatever the case…..my goal is that each of us realizes that this is what life is about. Understanding ourselves and each other….and then doing something about it. We are not called to just live through the moment like robots. Circumstances change without our permission. We are robbed of our security and control very easily.


While my mom was here last month, I was able to go in for some ‘extra’ appointments. One of these was my annual pap smear (sorry guys, I’m sharing for a reasonJ ). The results came back abnormal. This in itself is not usually a bad thing. But when they started throwing around the ‘C’ word again, it all started for me again.


Panic. Fear. Loss of Control.


For a 24 hour period, I feared the very worst. I have said this before, “I hate this disease!” It robs you of so much. I had so much on my calendar for this 24 hour period. So it was ‘easier’ to just not tell anyone. Roy & I carried this uncertainty by ourselves. We pretty much turned into robot parents, going through the motions. When we saw people that night (we had a school function) we acted like nothing was up. But in all reality, we felt like the rug was ripped out from under us again. In my mind, I had myself sick, bald and going through chemo again. But this time with a worst outcome.


Long story short, I’m okay. I will be having a hysterectomy. Okay, so maybe not so short of a story….


I think it’s crazy that in the cancer world, things like a hysterectomy don’t seem as major. While in a cancer free one, it would be huge. But it is what it is.


So instead of me filling you in on the details. From the moment of the phone call all the way to the moment I was sitting in my oncologist office the next day. I want so much to educate all of you that cancer brings about life changing changes. It just never ends. It is always apart of someone’s life. It never goes away. Whether a person is able or disabled, fighting or a survivor, functioning or living…..it just is always a part of each day.


That 24 hour period was tortuous. It was full. It was sleepless. My kids still needed me to function. Appointments still needed to be attended. The phone still rang. Other peoples lives were still in motion. The world kept going.


There are some of you that are dealing with other diseases. Some of you have other things on your plate that are ‘big’ and ‘overwhelming’. Others have had the worst thing possible happen this past year….you have lost someone so dear to something so horrible. You’re dealing with the hardest….grief.


In the midst of this happening around us…..we are usually ’clueless’ to all this. Me included. We forget to not be robots. We forget to ’understand’ the person in our life that is going through all this. We forget that it never ends for them. We forget that our lives should change along with theirs.


The pain. It is sometimes physical, but a lot of the time it is deeper. People are hurting and we forget to take notice. Friends and family are struggling to make it through each moment. And we sit back and forget that their lives have been turned upside down by circumstances out of their control. Unintentionally for the most part.


God will not give you more than you can handle.


How many of you have heard this before? I have heard it more than I care for these past few years. And to be blunt with you ….AAAHHHH!!!?!!!!?!!!! We have to NOT be saying this anymore. It’s a well-meaning misinterpretation of a reassuring scripture.

“ No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” - I Corinthians 10:13

So without getting all ‘preachy’…..do you see the difference? It is not saying that I will not be given too much. It’s saying that I will not be tempted beyond what He will walk with me. It was a wonderful moment when I was taught this (thanks, AS). In some sort of twisted way, I could breath a little be easier knowing that my life IS more than I can handle. It IS way too much. It just pointed me to lean on God all the more.


So for all of you our there…..2 things:

1) If you are someone going through something ‘big’…..maybe it is too much for you to handle. Reach out. Grab a hold of those around you. Grab a hold of Him. Don’t be timid, afraid or too prideful to ask for help.

2) For those of you that are on the flip side….the ‘big’ stuff has skipped you for now…..Reach out. Grab ON to those around you. You might be the life preserver that He wants for someone else. Don’t be afraid, timid or too prideful to offer your help.


We need one another. Life is painful. If it wasn't it would be too easy to get complacent and want to be here rather than where we were made to be....next to Him.

Happy Father's Day

I find that Father’s Day is a time that my children love to celebrate their Daddy. They love to think of special little things to do for him and with him. It’s so special for me to watch them as they play together.


Takai’s face lights up every time he sees Roy. He is always willing to give his Daddy a kiss….or five:) When Roy walks into the house Takai will run and jump into his arms just like in the movies. What a special relationship they have.


Torryn is Daddy’s little shadow. He loves to help Roy with anything and everything. I love that they have hobbies together, like softball & riding their quads. Torryn’s at that age that his Dad is the biggest and the strongest of them all. It’s rewarding to see the look that Torryn has for Roy….he’s his hero.


Tala chose to cuddle with Daddy for some cartoon time just this morning, even though the rest of us were outside having fun. They are always laughing, or should I say, giggling together. I don’t have a doubt that one of Tala’s favorite things is being tickled by her dad. She is daddy’s girl for sure.


Tylor’s not physically here with us most of the time. But he is so much a part of our family. Roy and him have such a special bond. They have always enjoyed doing so many things together. And now that Ty’s getting older, it’s neat to see how their bond is maturing…although, I think there will always be wrestling. Ty has always looked up to his dad…literally.


The kids had some special things they wanted to say to their dad….
Dear Daddy,
“I love when you tickle me. You’re awesome! I love to play with you and watch Spiderman with you. You are the best. I love when you earn me money on webkinz. I Love You! Happy Father’s Day!!!“ Love, Tala
“You are the best. I love you because you are big and strong. I love to go in the swimming pool with you. You are fun and silly. I have something important to tell you…..I Love You and Happy Father’s Day!!!“ Love, Torryn
“Hope you have a great Father’s Day. You’re funny and you punch really, really hard (They love to wrestle and just be 'boys'). You’re pretty good at sports…..but not as good as me J Love, you’re oldest son, Ty”
“dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadaddadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadad” Love, Takai


Roy,
Today you are the one we get to celebrate today. We all love you so much. Thank you for being the one of strength, for working so hard for us, and for always being able to make us all laugh. You bring smiles to our kids faces like no one else can. I could not do this job set before us without you. I am blessed to have you by my side. Your children adore you and I love you with all my heart. Have a fantastic day!!!
Love, Shann


Only A Dad
Only a dad with a tired face,
Coming home from the daily race,
Bringing little of gold or fame
To show how well he has played the game;

But glad in his heart that his own rejoice
To see him come and to hear his voice.
Only a dad with a brood of four,
One of ten million men or more

Plodding along in the daily strife,
Bearing the whips and the scorns of life,
With never a whimper of pain or hate,
For the sake of those who at home await.

Only a dad, neither rich nor proud,
Merely one of the surging crowd,
Toiling, striving from day to day,
Facing whatever may come his way,

Silent whenever the harsh condemn,
And bearing it all for the love of them.
Only a dad but he gives his all,
To smooth the way for his children small,

Doing with courage stern and grim
The deeds that need to be done for them.
This is the line that for him I pen:
Only a dad, but the best of men.

...Edgar A. Guest

Swingers & Climbers

Hello Everyone


I just had to take a brief moment to let you all know how blessed we have been.

As most of you know, money is something of the past for us :) So when it comes to luxury's, they are usually on the 'inexpensive' end. And that's okay....cause we can have fun any day with some water guns, a hose and a little bit of 'game play'.

But....we have been blessed beyond our kids wildest dreams are concerned for our backyard.
Some friends decided to give us a monetary gift with the stipulation to not use it for bills or 'needs'. They wanted it to be used for 'fun'.


So after a lot of talking and praying....we decided to get the swing set, or playground as Tala calls it :) that is on the welcome page. And as they are having fun daily on it, I am given little 'breaks' along the way that we didn't even foresee with this purchase.


Have I mentioned how blessed we are?!!!


Thank you isn't enough when it comes to these types of blessings. It's not so much the 'cost'...as it is the thought that went into the 'stipulations' that we were to abide by. I so much appreciate how creative people have been with us. There really is no price tag for the smiles that this blessing is bringing to my kids faces...not to mention the scrape that Torryn has already gotten on his cute little face from 'flipping' upside down on the swing :)


Love to all of you...I'm off to check on the swingers & the climbers:)

simply, Trust

It seems to be a vicious cycle. Trust, money, trust, health, money, trust, health. You get the picture. Funny how the key word seems to be trust, but it's easier to focus on the other two.

Money.

We've always, always struggled in this area. Our professions just don't produce the 'big' money. I've always been okay with mine because I love(d) what I do. But Roy has some struggles times because he pretty much feels it's nothing more than just a job. We've made decisions along the way for me to not bring in the money and have 'created' bigger struggles. But glorifying God was priority in all that. He always provided even when there was no trust.

Health.

Oh boy. We've been scared and then WE'VE BEEN SCARED! I've come to the conclusion when you are in a 'health' situation, you can either claim God or just go stir crazy with fear. He truly does hold us. Trusting is such an easy complicated thing for our hearts to do. We need to let go to hold on.

Now when you entangle money and health, that's where pure chaos can erupt. What do you do when you have to choose between life or bad credit? Medicine or rent? Continued medical or food? This is where we are. And the conclusion I have come to is...

Trust.

There is no other way. We can try and hold it all together. We can attempt to seem in control. But in all reality, we hold nothing and have no control of these circumstances. God holds my 'health' (and all that this encompasses) and He is the only One who knows the ways we will pay for each bill, medicine & necessities.

Money really is the 'root of all evil'. Health is surely an uncertainty for even the most wealthy. But trust is for the taking to all who will hand over the other two to the One who conquered the creator of evil and thief of our 'strength'.

Money & Health = opportunity to be absorb by His riches and wholeness...simply, Trust

Abnormal

Abnormal pap. These are the words I just heard. I have yet to share with anyone. Deep breathes. I am having to take some in order to process it all. It could mean nothing. But it could mean something.

This journey that God has allowed has not come to an end. I so want a new chapter. No actually, a whole new book. I'm tired of the 'cancer' book. But then again, I'm familiar with this one. The next one would just be something new and maybe, scarier.

So, no, I think I've changed my mind. Let's stay here. With the familiar. It might be uncertain. But I know Who holds it. The same One who went before me with my original diagnosis. The same One who held my hand while my kids were in the hospital. The same One who Knows all.

He is not surprised by these results. He knows what has caused them and what will come of them. I need not worry about it. But I will. So my desire is to bring this worry and lay it at His feet. Walk away with it there. Not to pick it up again.

Lord, my heart is heavier than it should be today with these results. You have given me every opportunity to learned how to place it all at your feet. I struggle with this news. More cancer. Really?! You said in the beginning that the journey would not be short. But I had an opportunity to praise you along the way. Well, here I am again. Challenge to do just that. So as hard as it is, I want to proclaim praise for this 'turn of events'. I'm scared and worried. But You are always for me and never against me. You always go before me in everything. You are not surprised by any of this. Please open my heart to hear you through all this. Use it all for your glory. It is my journey, but it continues to be your story.

I am called HERO

Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 8 people who have said that I am their hero. Throughout this journey, I have humbly accepted this compliment. Of course, it makes me feel good. It would make anyone feel good.

Today I was told it again. (thanks MB)

I have been given a few 'extra' minutes to ponder what it means to actually be a 'hero'. It really is a responsibility to an extent. People look up to you. The way you conduct yourself is important to how they feel. The reason you are placed on this pedestal is because you have exemplified some quality that has 'caught' their attention. (Which for me, right now in my crazy life, just blows my mind.)

It has been my desire from the very beginning of this journey to glorify my God rather than the one bringing on the devastation. Daily, it is a challenge to do this. The enemy is strong. He is tricky. But also very blatant. He wants to rob me of who God is growing me to be. Every step needs to be a conscious step towards the One who loves me most. I struggle to be true to who I am along the way most days. Chaos seems to seep in often.

And yet I am called, Hero.

Lord, always make this a humble blessing of who You want me to be and what You want of me. It could be so easy to become so prideful because of this large compliment. Always show me that I need to be humble even after I 'accept' it. There is no way that I want it to go to my head. If I step out of line, please, gently, place me back where I can view You easily. Because You are the one and only true 'HERO'.

Fling It

Have you ever wondered how others are able to 'see' God so clearly? Simple. You have to make the effort. Take the time to go to Him and lay things at His feet.

We only 'grow' our relationships with anyone by making effort. Calling, spending together, leaning on one another, etc are the ways we allow friendships to blossom. As with a parent and a child, we must ask our Daddy for help. I think most of us desire to 'grow' in our relationship with God. But this can only happen if we make conscious efforts to come to Him and lay it all at His feet. Asking Him for help. Telling Him our troubles. Waiting for Him to help us through things. And trusting Him with doing what's right on our behalf.

It's easy in any relationship to reconsider and reassess even after we reach out to someone. And when we deal with God, someone we can't actually see, it becomes very easy to take it back into our own hands. But if we can leave it all with Him and give Him our heart of trust, we can become conscious of His Presence.

I am finding that as I lay things at His feet, I not only 'see' Him, but I am able to be in His Presence more and more. I am able to know that my relationship with Him is blossoming. It's hard. So my prayer is always that I am able to fling it all at His feet.

Update 5/29/08

Hello Everyone

I don't have much to report on the medical side of things. My mom has been here for the past 2 weeks so I have been able to go to my 'scheduled' appointments along with some add ons. Right now the only thing I would ask that you pray for is that I would NOT need a new port in. The last two times I have gone in for treatment it has been a real struggle for them to get my IV going. (I think I have mentioned before that I am a very hard stick...have terrible veins.) I really don't want to go through the port thing again since I had so much trouble with blood clots the first time around.


There are a few things I wanted to address that have come up with a few people in the past month or so.


There have been a few comments, by well meaning friends, that my life is too overwhelming for them, thus they have pulled back from being involved and helping. To this I say, "I'm sorry for being a burden. I'm sorry for making you feel this way. I'm sorry that it has come to this for you personally." And for those of you who are helping us in our day to day life.....AND don't feel comfortable taking a step back in caution of hurting our feelings....please do what you need to do to help yourselves. I do know that my life is crazy, full and chaotic. But it is mine to go forward with. I embrace all the help I can get. BUT would never, ever want to become a burden. The help we receive is never taken for granted and is always a blessing. Being the giver of help should also be blessed along the way.


So simply put....if helping us is a burden, please take the step back that you need to and if it continues to bless you to help us...then we are blessed to have you be a part of our lives.
This leads me to the next thing I want to talk about.


This journey that I have been on is going on the 2 year mark. There have been many lessons along the way. One that has been somewhat hard on the heart is the coming and going of friends & family.


We all go through seasons in our lives. We all have people come and go. But I have had a chance to see what disease, fear, blessings, miracles, God, schedules,etc can bring out in people. The extremes in life tend to bring out the best and the worst during these times.


I have watched as close friends & family decided, consiously & unconsiously, to walk away from us in the very beginning. Our life held too much of the unexpected in the face of fear and death. While at the same time, we were graced with unbelievable gifts in the form of new friends. They entered our lives with the soul purpose to be here to aid us in any way we needed.
As we started coming to the point of looking past the grim and seeing a future that held some brightness....some came back, not afraid anymore. And there are others that walked away when the 'crisis' part ended. Their 'job' was done and they went out to help others. And let's not forget the ones that simply appeared from the past. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to rebuild friendships with good friends from long ago.


There is complexity to relationships. Life brings fear and joy that entertwine with these relationships. It doesn't matter if your life is calm or full of storms. Relationships are crucial to how you walk through each moment. I will be forever grateful for the depth that some of my relationships have gone to because of this journey. (One of the blessings that have come in the midst of my storms.:)


You all know that I stand firm within the realms of my relationship with God. But how thankful I am that He has seen fit to bless me with so many of you throughout this journey. There are so many of you that I have never met. But yet, we carry a closeness within our hearts because of the bond we have built. Then there are those of you that we started as friends and grown into something that almost needs a 'new' word to discribe what we have now. There's also all my new friends, my family that has given everything and mean everything to me and complete strangers that grace me once or twice with their presence just for a moment of blessings.


Relationships. Take time to think about the ones you have been blessed with. Invest. Whether big or small. Be intentional about them. Your spouse, kids, family & friends, neighbors, one time aquintances and even strangers. Be intentional.


As stated, my life is full and chaotic. I hate that along the way, time gets away from me as I try to do everything that needs to be done. With this I tend to loss sit of being intentional with each person along the way. So right now I am taking the blessing of this CaringBridge site to be intentional....


There is a place that I can go to see who reads my updates. I do it about once a week. Why? Because I want to be intentional with all of you. The investment you are making into my life just be 'being here' for me is irreplaceable. The only way I can reciprocate with most of you is to pray for you. Thus, the reason for looking at my list. I want to be intentional in my investment in your lives.


Thank you for ALL & EVERYTHING you each do for me.
with gratitude, Shannon

Advocating

I am so excited. Tomorrow night is the Relay for Life here in Boulder City. It will be the first one that I have been able to attend. There will be a special time to recognize all the survivors. And I will be going with LeeAnn.


I have recognized through my entire journey that God simply wants me to recognize Him. Cancer has just been an avenue to get my attention. (Don't get me wrong...it's an awful disease brought on by the enemy...but God CAN use any situation.). I have been witness to more pain, suffering, diseases and death in the past 2 years than I can sometimes swallow.


There are so many causes that are worthy of our time, effort, research and money. Breast cancer is taking mothers from their children, wifes from their husbands, daughters from their parents. Cancer in itself just robs so many of someone they love and cherish. Many forms of cancer are taking children from their mommys & daddys. Robing their families of seeing them grow up. Trisomy 18 & Krabbes Disease are just two of the heart wrenching that I have watched dear friends loss their babies this past year.


Do I plan to become an advocate? Yes! Not so much for ONLY Breast Cancer...but for anything that needs to have a shield put between the enemy and his awful ways. Some days, I am an advocate for nothing less than growing my children in the way He would want. Other days, I am granted a chance to tell someone(s) of my journey and bring glory to Him. While other days provide me with an opportunity to walk around a track and take a stand in front of the 'world'.


So I challenge each of you. Become an advocate. Let Him guide you. It may be one thing...or like me, it may be a mixture of things. But when you do...with it comes the wonderful emotions of excitement, joy and peace. Don't just live each day going through the motions. Embrace each moment to the fullest with purpose and cause. And with that you know He is pleased.

Control

Oh, how I was blessed on Tuesday. The opportunity arose for me to speak at a mom's bible study. Sharing my journey is always a joy for me. But to do it on a larger scale just about put me over the edge. In a good way :)

I was excited from day one of being asked. Was this from God? Preparing what I would be saying was such a joy. Was this from God? Praying over it all was not encompassed with stress. Was this from God? Getting all the kids ready for school went off without a hitch (not normal for us). Was this from God? I felt comfortable from the moment I got to the church. Was this from God? As I walked to the stage I felt more peace than nerves. Was this from God? As I shared, I say woman mirror my emotions. Was this from God? I was told that it was amazing. Was this from God? I spent my day on a 'high'. Was this from God?

Without a doubt....it is ALL from Him. Only He was glorified that morning. The enemy was not allowed there. He went before me and prepare the way.

"I lead you. The way is clear.

Go forward unafraid. I am beside you.

Listen, listen, listen to My Voice.

My Hand is controlling all."

This was the beginning of my devotion today. Wow!

He leads! As long as I follow Him nothing will cloud it. I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future...and He's right here beside me. It's all about giving Him the reigns completely. He IS controlling ALL!

I've been reflecting and praying about 'speaking'. Sharing my journey is telling a part of His Story. My heart desires so much to glorify Him. I will continue to share my journey. Whether to one person or a room full. I will embrace any opportunity that presents itself to tell of His goodness. It truly is His Story.

Lord,k continue to keep me humble and just a piece of the bigger puzzle that you are putting together. I am only a color in the beautiful rainbow you are painting for all to see. You are all that matters.