I remember back in June of last year when I was told that doing the Gamma Knife Radiation Surgery of my brain would NOT be covered by my insurance. Standing in front of the woman at the Gamma Knife institute as she actually thought I needed to think about which choice was best......my life or $72,000. HHHMMMMMMM.....at that moment I did not think of the consequences of just 'going for it'. (Don't get me wrong...I would do it again in a heart beat, as it did save my life.)
We have acquired thousands upon thousands in just medical. Not to mention just plain living expenses. Each and every day since this all started has been with decisions that in the end have affected our finances.
We are finally here....it's taken 2 years. We are finally buried by the financial burden that all of this has created.
Honestly, there are times that my anxiety gets the best of me and I find it hard to sleep, function and breathe. It's one thing when you have only yourselves to take care of. But Roy and I feel this weight to be so heavy, as we have four children depending on us. Not to mention how our priorities have changed. Tala's needs are a necessity. They are at the very top of our list. Our home, utilities, vehicles, food, etc have taken a back seat to the fact that what she needs is truly a NEED. (As hard as this all has been, I am thankful for this lesson....learning what's a real NEED as opposed to what we think we need.)
It's taken 2 years for me to realize that every aspect of our lives is out of our control.
So why am I allowing the Satan to have this foothold in my heart with such a menial thing such as money?
Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power
and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom;
you are exalted as head over all.
Wealth and honor come from you;
you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
to exalt and give strength to all."
-I Chronicles 29:11-12
Throughout these past 2 years I have crawled slowly toward my God. There have been so many times that I have not trusted Him for His all knowing ways that I have turned to run in the opposite direction. Whether it be my health, my kids health, material needs, finances, family or friends....I struggle to give it ALL to Him.
I HAVE been able to give Him the 'cancer' and allow Him to hold it. Why? Honestly, when I reflect I can only attribute it to His supernatural grace. Definitely not my ability to handle it. For I am weak.
Why can I trust Him with the biggest thing that has ever happened to me, but yet, struggle moment to moment with the smaller? Why do I get overwhelmed with things that I am blessed just enough to be here to deal with? Why do I continue to question His plan? Why do I wonder how He is going to provide?
It's taken 2 years for me to fully realize that He loves me enough to save me from the hands of the enemy. It's taken 2 years for me to learn that I daily, sometimes, moment by moment, need to continue to give it to Him....that I will never 'get it' all....if I did, I wouldn't need Him anymore.
It's taken 2 years for me to grasp a whole lot tighter to the things that are meant to mean something in this lifetime that I have been granted. It's taken 2 years for me to know that money is something that the enemy will continue to use against most because the stress and anxiety it causes is real and deep.
It's taken 2 years for me to grab a hold of the very simple lesson......HE IS ENOUGH!
No one can serve two masters.
Either he will hate the one and love the other,
or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.
You cannot serve both God and Money.
-Matthew 6:24
I find it interesting that as I ponder this verse it all comes down to God and money. It talks of two masters. I know that God is the One that is always 'one of the two'....but anything could be the 'other'. Family, friends, health, food, jewelry, travel, collections....anything. We can only love one, not both. Again, anything could be the 'other'. But as we see, "you cannot serve both God and Money".
Why would it come down to God and Money?
As I go through my days now with the 'money' thing being so gigantic of a mountain....I think I finally understand how money can be the opposite of God.
Yes, Satan uses so many 'things' to get at us, to draw us from His presence. But money. Oh money. This is the one thing that the enemy can constantly tangle himself in purposefully and consistently. He does this knowing that no matter how much or how little we have, he WILL have the control....most of the time.
It is crucial to realize that money is the enemy's stronghold on us. But it is in the realization of his tactics that we are able to stop him in his tracks. We are able to remember who we are called to serve....only One Master. When we do this, we enable God to be in the control seat....even where our finances are concerned.
It's taken 2 years. I have been financially challenged for so long. But I long to only serve One Master......and money is not it!!!
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