Still Being Refined

How do people have just one 'favorite' scripture verse(s)? I have quite a few. I think it's just because at different times different things speak to me. So here's the one that is ministering to me so much lately.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

'Suffering grief in all kinds of trials' is my life right now. ALL kinds of trials. And I'm supposed to rejoice?!!?!!!! Simply, yes. The Word of God says I AM to do this and so I must. Much easier said than done. It doesn't say after the trials are finished. 'In this you greatly rejoice.' IN being the key word here. I am supposed to rejoice NOW. To be honest, I am struggling with this. I wake up each morning with a deep sigh in my soul. I am tired of having to keep on keeping on. Exhausted with all the trials that don't seem to be ending anytime soon. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed beyond measure and I don't forget it. But truth be told, life has not let up for me. And I know this 'season' will be with me for awhile.

I am envious of others around me. It's a sin, I know. But human nature IS natural. And as the trials come my way one after the other, it has become easier and easier for me to look on fondly at what others have. Also, the questions. "Why me, God?" "I love You, so why have You allowed all of this?" "When will this all stop?" "Are you able?" "Kind?" "Are you there, God?"

For those who have commented on the strength of my faith....well here it is in all it's nakedness. I question. I have since day one of this journey. I talk to God with heartache encompassing my every breathe. I cry. And believe it or not....I scream & yell. Which in my household is the definition of a 'tantrum'.

"These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine." To be refine by fire is an awesome thing. It's precise. No mistakes can be made or the 'piece' being refine will be ruined. I have held this process close to my heart through all this because I feel as if I have been in the process of being refined by the One who holds me. He makes no mistakes. He is all about precision and perfection. Hello?!!! He IS perfection. So when I look at these 'new' verses and the reference to refining...I love it!!!. But it is a little hard to swallowed in this aspect. It talks of "proving my faith to be genuine." All of us want to be one of the ones that have the type of faith that we are 'supposed' to have. I know I want this for myself. And from the outside looking in I know it looks as if I already do. But from the inside looking out....I struggle.

I'm supposed to, in all of this, be able to "praise, glory, and honor" my Lord. I fall short of all three. Like I said, I struggle to just get up in the morning to face the day before me. So how am I supposed to do what I am commanded to do in this verse?

For now, I keep on getting up. I face the day. I am honest with my struggles. I talk of them. I continue to 'throw my tantrums' with the One who will love me through them AND in spite of them. And when I'm having a good day, or even a good 'moment', I find the strength to give Him ALL the "praise, glory and honor" that I am here. These times are by no means enough of what is due Him. I fall so short of giving Him what is deserved. But I never take a moment for granted even though these moments are a struggle to get through. Because in all of this my hope is that "my faith may prove genuine." And isn't this what we should all desire? Because when this happens then "Jesus Christ is revealed". And no matter how many struggles come my way....this is the ULTIMATE goal! As it should be.