Would You Still Trust Me?

After I hung up the phone I felt the need to be on my knees. I know now the nudge came from the only One who could see tomorrow.

The urgency resembled the moments we drove Tala to the hospital. All the way to the hospital I begged God to let her live. And just like the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I heard Him asking....'Would you still trust Me if my plan is to take you away from your children?'. But that day it was, 'Would you still trust Me if Tala doesn't live?' And later to be asked the same question about Takai.

And as I hung up the phone and fell to my knees, I heard Him asking yet again. 'Would you still trust Me if your Mom doesn't live through this?'

Answering this question is harder than it seems when one is in the midst of the 'battle'. So I won't even pretend and tell you that I immediately said, 'Yes Lord....I will trust!' No, it was more like, 'Ummm, sure.' Also, there were days for me to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in His ways. It was a daily challenge, and still is, for me to say, 'Yes, I will trust.' But I didn't have that time with my Mom. So I'm challenged to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in Him KNOWING that He chose to not allow her to live through it.

I know the statistics. All of them. My cancer should have taken me. But it didn't. The Amyliodosis, that took my Mom, had worse statistics. Actually facts. The word incurable screamed at me every time I went in for research. But this was my Mom...and He was my God. Put the two together and only good come out of it. Right?

Wrong.

The enemy had his way. The very next morning is a hell on earth that I relive many many times a day. And especially in the quiet of night. None of us were prepared for the reality of her death. Over two months later, and I still struggle to just type that word. It is surreal...a bad dream. Yeah, I know living AND dieing are a part of life. But not MY MOM!!!

It only took a few seconds for me to realize what He asked of me the day before was in preparation. He knew. He knew what the following morning would bring. So did He ask to be cruel?

No.

It was preparation. He knew and He loved me enough to prepare my heart. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm, by far, not perfect. In fact I have had many screaming at the top of my lung fits and uncontrollable sobbing parties. Usually in my car and, uh, pretty much daily. All of which have been aimed at Him. Don't worry, though....He can take it. As long as I'm trusting. Cause wasn't that the original question to begin with....'Will you trust Me no matter what?!' No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! No matter what?

I am challenge so much by her loss. There has been nothing up to this point in my life to compare. Seriously, with everything else that has gone on...nothing compares. And I am challenged greatly. Challenged to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook the food. Challenged to get up every morning. Challenged to go to the park & push my kids on the swings. Challenged to be motivated. Challenged to smile. Challenged to find joy. I know as time goes by everything will be to be better...but for now, I'm human, and I'm challenged.

But I have never once in the past couple months been challenged to keep on trusting Him....I just do it. It's as natural as breathing. And I can do it because the past 25 years have been in preparation to be able to do just that. Trust Him when one of my worst nightmares has become my reality. I'm realizing as days go by that I am blessed during this time of unmeasurable grief. I have the ability to trust Him. And only because 25 years ago today He began preparing my heart for what was to be. See, He knew what February 6, 2009 would one day hold. He knew that that my precious Mom would be going to her Heavenly Home that morning. And He loved me enough to prepare me to trust.

There have been many who have questioned my decision to 'keep my faith'. I mean after all, God let your Mom die, right? Yes, yes He did. He allowed it. Just like He allows all the other 'bad' in the world. AND just like He allows us free will. The way I see it is that I was given free will to walk into a church 25 years ago and ask my Jesus to be with me for the rest of my days. The way I see it is....He has done just that. The way I see it...only He knew how to reach the depths of her heart. The way I see it the good and the bad are going to happen. So as I think about all that has happened I realize that life really isn't about the 'events' that happen. Because no matter how 'bad' they are....we are capable of trusting the One who allows it all.

And I do. I do trust Him. Completely with my whole self.

Do you?

Could you?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5