Anniversary #3~'loneliness'

After 6 months of 'silence' I think it's time to touch base. But before I do, I want to warn you this comes with a 'bluntness & honesty' rating. I'm about to go beyond my usual realm and be even more transparent than I usually am...

When I was diagnosed my life (my family's lives) changed forever. But with that came so many blessings. People came from all over to help and assist us in so many ways. These people came to mean the world to me. But over time things have changed. It has gone from having so many around to literally having no one. I went 10 months before I could get into my chemo appointment. There just was no one willing to watch the kids. Many have suggested emailing out a schedule so 'friends' could help....tried that....all with the 'no' response. Oh, don't get me wrong. I totally get that other's have there own lives. And before the transformation that God has done on my heart through all this, I would have totally been upset. But no, I'm not. It's the reality of our world. Human nature is to have a natural cycle of give & take. But in my world....I have had to be the 'taker' for too long with people. And because I can't 'give' a whole lot right now...most everyone has walked away. Understandable so. And please don't get me wrong on this either...I am blessed! I have dear sweet friends in my life. BUT they all live far away. Within this city, this state...I am left alone.

So why tell all this? Because I want you to know how important you are to me. Those that do want to stick by me and continue to pray, to take time to read my thoughts. But in all honesty, this site causes me pain. It has been my link to the world during all the 'junk' we have gone through. And although there is not a whole lot of 'big' medical stuff going one....our lives are still GREATLY affected daily by the aftermath that cancer has brought. Everyday is still full of huge struggles. Added on to this is losing my mom and going that alone too. And of course there is so much that is 'behind the scenes' private stuff that needs to stay within our four walls. So again, why tell you this...

Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of finding out the news of cancer entering my life. It is a day forever embedded in my soul as being 'life-changing'. Looking back, I summed up the 1st year as one of ‘miracles’ and the second year as ‘toilsome’. And now when I think of one word to describe this past year…’loneliness’. It’s been a tough one…the toughest of my life. Those closest to me are not there anymore for various reasons. The pain I hold within me is sometimes a weight I don’t know if I can carry. I’m still fighting for my life everyone moment…but now I do it alone. Cancer definitely has an 'aftermath' that I was not prepared for.

But thankfully, as my heart aches and doesn’t always ‘feel’ my Savior…He has blessed me with the foreknowledge to ‘know’ what is. And what is is Him! It’s all about Him. I seek Him & I claim Him. No matter the cost of these daily treks I’ve been called to…It IS all about Him.

So as I continue to walk this road, and if it calls me to be ‘silent’ from this site for a while again…please always know how much YOUR love and investment into my live means.

Transparency~Take 2

In the midst of wife & mommy stuff, medical stuff & grieving I've also been working on being even more transparent than this. It's making some uncomfortably uncomfortable, some glad I'm going to the next step, some feeling like they can relate, and others even feeling like they can finally come out and share the things they've hidden deep within.

Honestly, it is easy to loss sight of this 'task' that God has called me too. It is much simpler to just fit into the norm and be like the world wants. Criticism can seem like cast iron bats to the heart. To have those who claim to 'get it' throw it all in your face....well, let's just say that simpler times are longed for once in awhile.

Also, I do hold back often. It's hard. Having those you trust know your deepest hurts, thoughts and insecurities is hard enough. To add to that, all of you whom I don't even hardly know...Wow! It's tough being transparent over and over again with the sacred parts of my heart. There's a trust that goes into sharing with someone. And in this fashion, of blogging....I'm not always sure if the trust goes both ways. My words have, even with my closest of friends, been turned inside out and upside down and used against me. So what do I do?

I plan to keep on keeping on.

My God has called me to it...so I must do it!!!!!

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. ~Ephesians 6:19-20

This is the verse that I have always prayed over this site. Please pray for me as I continue to expose my heart. That as I speak, I am fearless in my witness of the gospel. Only bringing glory to the One and True God.

.......and none to myself.

Meditating

I have been spending much time lately meditating on Him.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. ~Psalm 55:22

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what it unseen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from you mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:7-9

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man

I love kids music. The lyrics are usually pretty simple and to the point. I don't usually have to listen to them a million times to try and figure out what the message is. We've been listening to the Veggie Tales a lot lately in our car rides. My kids LOVE to sing along LOUDLY with these musical vegetables. One song has been stuck in my head for days. 'God Is Bigger Than The Boogie Man'

Hello??!! Even the title of this one explains itself. :)

I am reminded that God IS bigger than the 'boogie man'. Boogie man = Satan...and all the junk that he throws our way. And lets not beat around the bush...he's been working full time around here these past few years. I honestly feel like he's pulled up his best sleeping bag, popped up a tent and plans to stay as long as there's s'mores for roasting. And believe me, I'm dumb enough, even in my wisdom, that I keep giving him more and more to put in the fire. Doh!

So when I'm with my kids just being silly, it's been refreshing to have them and little veggies remind me where my faith needs to lie. I don't need to be afraid of all the 'monsters', 'boogie men' & 'scary noises'. He IS watching out for me. He IS taking care of me. HE IS BIGGER!!!

(Just in case you felt left out and wanted to hear this profound song....I leave you to your pleasure =o))

4 Months

It's been 4 months.

I can't even comprehend that my sweet Mother has been gone 4 whole months. Well over 160 days. Days that I have not been able to talk with her or be with her. I would give most anything just to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. Do you know how refreshing it would be to know she was coming for a visit? I would love just to be able to have one more day with her.

But I wake up each day & go to bed every night knowing that this side of Heaven will not provide such things.

I'm sad that she's gone. I'm sad that this really is reality for me and my family. I'm sad that it's been 4 months and it still feels like day 1. I'm sad that when it's 444 months it will probably still feel like this.

I miss her & I'm sad.

What gets me through me days? The most important part....the part that makes me happy. In fact, it makes me rejoice. It's in knowing that one day, one glorious day, I will be able to turn from my Jesus' arms to the arms of my Mom. I will be with her again someday. And when that day comes, I will never have to say goodbye again.

Jarred's Graduation

My nephew's graduation was a special moment for our family tonight. He's the oldest of all the kids. The first grandchild. We are all so proud of him.

Jarred w/Mom & Dad

Jarred w/Grandpa

Jarred w/Uncle Chad


Jarred w/ me


Jarred w/ all the kids

Jarred w/his bro & sis being goofy



CONGRATULATIONS, JARRED!!!!!!

All Together Again

My Dad hates to travel. He's rather be home on his tropical rock. But this week he came to see all of us for my nephew's graduation. Having my Dad here has meant the world to me. The reality is I will never be graced by my Mom's presence this side of Heaven. But being with him sure does help me feel closer to her. Sure, it's brought the tears out of hiding much more often these past few days. And, of course, my emotions are seemingly raw. But all worth it! I wish there was some way for us all to be together all the time. It's bittersweet time that seems to help heal in a way no other can. And the topper this week so far is that we are ALL TOGETHER! My brother decided to come too for a couple of days. Aaahhh, very soothing.

Have we done anything special? No, not really. Just spend time together so far. But when you look at the big picture for all of us...I think that IS what's special. We are blessed with this time together so soon after losing my Mom. Normally, our two special men would not make this trip so willingly (the dislike for traveling, ya know?). But they're here and we are savoring the taste of this time together...even though some moments are somewhat bitter.

If we come to mind, we would covet any prayers laid at His feet on our behalf. The misconception that the world seems to have on the subject of death is that time will heal. Well, maybe A LOT of time. But for now, time has not healed. In fact it's done just the opposite. It's brought about the reality that this IS our reality. She's not with us anymore. It really is a stark reality if I must say so. Not one that time has done a whole lot for so far. In fact, I think it's gonna be a long, long, long while before time really is a factor here.

So for now, I relish in my few days with the ones I love. And make more memories to hold close to my heart.

All the Time

I was asked today, when it is the hardest? When does it hurt the worst?

Anytime I think of her. Anytime she comes to mind. Anytime something 'helps' me to remember her.

All the time it is hard. All the time it hurts unbearably.

If I allow myself to go to the place of letting my emotions feel their depth....then that is when it is truly the hardest & the worst.

I don't allow myself to go to that place often.....

Engraved

~love, beauty, courage & respect~

When I looked up the meaning for a 'red' rose...these were the first 4 words. Do you know what else this defines? My mom. She was love in it's truest form. She may have come across as 'hard' to those who did not know her well...but it didn't take long was you spent time with her to realize that she was complete beauty. Inside & out. And her courage went from one end of the earth to the other. She never let fear stop her in tackling anything placed before her. Everything was done completely & head on. And because of these three other characteristics, one couldn't help but come to respect her. She was the real deal.

She also loved red roses. They held special meaning to her. She had many pictures & items throughout her house reflecting the red rose. She even had one tattooed on her ankle. Everyone who knew her well, knew that this was her 'thing'.

I have written your name on the palms of my hands. ~ Isaiah 49:16

This verse has always held special meaning to me ever since I read my friend, Christina's thoughts on it. I truly do believe God prepares us for what is to come sometimes. And this is one of those cases for me. The entry that Christina wrote about her beloved Judson in relation to this verse is one that I reread many times. Why? I was never sure. I even questioned it. I mean if you spend anytime reading anything from Christina....it ALL draws you in. She is a gifted writer for sure. So why this entry?

Preparation for the days that were to come in my world. Preparation to make a choice for a loved one that I will always hold dear.

My mom.

I knew almost immediately what I would be doing.

While I was home on Maui, I engraved this on my wrist. (Well, not me personally, a tattoo artist did it :)) It is a symbol I see many times every single day. It's a permanent reminder of my mom. Her character of love, beauty, courage & respect. And although it was decided to do this to honor her...It was placed strategically to honor the One who gave her to me. The One who permanently & forever engraved me on the palms of His hands. Every time I look at it my heart is filled with a depth of emotion that places both my feet on Holy Ground. Death has seemed to help me know the full capacity of Life. And getting this tattoo has been a visual reminder of that throughout my days.

(Although I value all opinions of those who love the Lord & love me....this entry is not intended to be an open forum & debate on whether or not a tattoo is right or wrong in the Biblical sense. It really is okay if we differ in this area. I mean, one of my closest & dearest friends, 'Bobby', completely holds opposite standards on this subject. But he loves & respects me regardless of the TWO tattoos that I fashion.....and I certainly don't hold it against him that he has chosen to shy away from the ink. We are both children of the same God. And our love for each other & the Father is not altered because we differ in this area. This entry was written solely to draw you to the most intense Love that we have ever had lavished upon us. ~I have written your name on the palms of my hands.~)

By Faith, Not Sight

I found the follow little story on a friends CaringBridge site. I've never read this....but I love it. Out of the mouths of babes.......

One Nation, 'Under God'.
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children.

The TEACHER asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky..


TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.


TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist….

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the LITTLE GIRL asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?


TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?


TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?


TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?


TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!


'FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT' ~II CORINTHIANS 5:7

Somebody sure is raising their kids right!

Home Is Where God Is

I got a beautiful card from a friend a little bit ago. I've been carrying it everywhere. It has been helping me keep perspective during the tough moments. I wanted to share what was written on the front of it....



Home Is Where God Is


There's no place like home,
and there's no home like the one
God is preparing for us someday.

We cling to the familiar, not understanding
that a far greater miracle awaits us
when we cross from this life into eternity.

There, Jesus waits to escort His own
into a place of sweet peace & blessed rest.

There, we can finally see with veil removed
the beauty which our souls
have so longed to know.

There, our loved ones wait with eager anticipation
for us to celebrate with them
the joys for which we were ultimately created.

If we were allowed one glimpse of that place,
our real home, we would not hold too tightly
to the ones gone before us.

Instead, we would grieve because we cannot
go with them ~ because home, after all,
is where God is.

~Rebecca Barlow Jordan

Thank you, Lisa, for taking time to bless me with a perfect card for such a time as this.

Mother's Day without...

It's the end of my first Mother's Day without my mom. And honestly....it was horrible. Other words that come to mind are heart wrenching, exhausting, sad, lonely, surreal, and just plain miserable. I know it should have been made better being with my own kids. And, by all means, it did. But there is no mistaking the emptiness that has weighted itself upon me since last night.

I miss my Mom more than words could ever express. It's been 3 months and nothing, absolutely nothing, is easier about it. Time has not healed, yet. I just want to talk with her, make plans with her...I want to know that she's still here. Reality is not what I want.

I will say this though...I realized as I dragged myself through this day...that I will forever be grateful to the One who so perfectly blessed me with an irreplaceable mother and the bestest of friends. Mother's Day did truly suck. But I'm sure it's because I'm missing one terrific lady...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM!!!

Crater

Mourning is not disbelieving flooded eyes don't represent a faithless heart. A person can enter a cemetery - certain of life after death - and still have a Twin Tower crater in their heart. Christ did. He wept and he knew he was ten minutes away from seeing a living Lazarus! And His tears give you permission to shed your own...So grieve, but don't grieve like those who don't know the rest of the story. ~Max Lucado

Although I am certain of the rest of the story, there is a very large crater that exist within my heart. And it's not going anywhere anytime soon......

Messy Arguments

This week should have been about missing my mom and all the new stuff going on with my heart. But no, that was not the case. Last Friday there was a sudden change at Tala's school. Her teacher resigned and there was an abrupt need for my daughter to adjust, yet again, to major change in her life. The piece of my heart that is reserved just for her seemed to break into a million pieces as she asked my why was everyone leaving her? First, Grandma & and now my teacher.

Now people, I do know that is an 8 year talking...through emotions. But still, break my heart.


Monday comes and in the midst of preparing for my appointment with the cardiologist...a dear friend seems to have made the decision that our friendship is just not beneficial to her anymore. This friendship is a deep part of me.


The week progresses with these two incidences at the forefront of my mind and heart. Arguments, disagreements, fighting, communication, trust, discernment, consequences are just a few of the things that I was facing during my quiet moments. As I cried out to God, trying to figure out all the 'details' on both accounts...He revealed His very heart on the matter.
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Messy Arguments… “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” Proverbs 17:14


Messy arguments are the result of fighting in the flesh. It is relational suicide and can cause wounds that won’t easily be forgotten. Anger is the primary driver behind messy arguments. Hard feelings are unable to get past not being heard, or not getting its way. For productive discussions over disagreements, level heads must prevail.


Spirit-filled followers of Jesus have the capacity to not only fight fair, but disagree respectfully while seeking to understand the others’ point of view. If your mind is already made up, then there is little possibility for positive relational results. Your friendship does not have to be sacrificed to make a point. In fact, people grow deeper in love and respect when they first bring their disagreements to the Lord, and let Him lead their lives.


Ask, ‘What does God think?’ Because you do not argue with the Almighty, “Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker…” (Isaiah 45:9). Bickering is marginalized when two people review God’s game plan for disagreements (Matthew 18:15-17).


Lastly, once you make your point clearly, concisely and maturely you can trust the Lord and the responsible parties to do the right thing. Everyone is accountable, so the actions sown will reap consequences, good or bad. Therefore prayerfully ask, ‘Am I full of grace and truth in my communications?’ ‘Do I honor others, especially those with whom I disagree?’ A pure heart prevents messy arguments. “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1)
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As I opened up my devotion today...that is what God gave me. I felt myself breathe easier knowing exactly what I am to do. What I am called to do. It doesn't matter what anyone else's choices or actions are. I am not to resort to the gossip, I am not to resort to the arguing, I am not to resort to the bitterness. I am called to honor others and keep my heart pure so that grace can prevail to allow Him to shine through.

So, as I choose to take the necessary actions to step out of these 'messy arguments'...I look forward to seeing what next week will bring. And between you & me, I sure hope it's less full of the unexpected. :)

Good Morning Sunshine!

My world somewhat came to a abrupt halt the day my Mom passed away. The time spent at home (Maui) brought about a great start to the grieving process that we were all undeniably having to walk. I was overloaded by the love & aloha that was shown to me and my entire family. Beyond the acts of unselfish generosity to actually fly so many of us home...even the littlest of things were thought of. There really will never be a way to express fully how each person & each 'act' made & continues to make our healing just a little bit easier. Because it's all so overwhelming during a time of mourning, the thank you card, thank you calls, etc....just seem to be out of our reach of energy & emotions right now. In time for sure. But for now I think it truly is one of those 'pay if forward' type of things.

I've been home(Boulder City) now for close to 2 months now. The reality of what has happened has hit me full force. My sister & I are in the same town. A couple of streets away from one another. That helps tremendously. But the separation from our whole family is tough. Anyone from Hawaii knows that things are done different there. Aloha. It's more than just a way to say hello or goodbye. It's a lifestyle. It 'surrounds' you. And now that I'm back here, I'm somewhat lost without it.

I have a call every morning. I say hello. And I'm greeted with, 'GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!'. Every single day, folks. Someone loves me enough to call everyday to make sure I know that they know that it's not any easier yet. And to top that off...I can think of at least 5 other friends that reach out many times throughout the week. And so many others that have taken time to let me know that they continue to care. I am loved. I am blessed. And I know I am fortunate.

How does one say thank you to people who make conscious choices to hold you up when you can't even seem to find your footing to stand?! How does one say thank you to individuals who selfishly give and give of themselves as you go through one trial after another? How does one day thank you to people who never think of giving up on you? How does one say thank you to friends that consider it a privilege to listen to me 'whine', spend time with my kids, or most honoring...a privilege to know me & be a part of my life? My messy life.

Ahhh, all I can say is that my God is good. All the time. He is good in the times of trials & tribulations that I am in. He is good in my life. He is good in my grief. He is good even in my suffering. He is good even when He takes away. He. Is. Good.

Really!

I am so thankful. Even in the knowledge that this 'season' is not going to end soon. I am. There is no way to understand the grief that follows losing someone unless you've been there. I never knew. But here I stand in the midst of it. And I want to tell you that one can be thankful and have full knowledge of one's blessings as pain rips through your heart. The sun does still shine.

The Son shines.

And only because my God is good.

~This is the view from my Dad's new home. Amazing isn't it. Coincidence that it allows him & any of us to see the ocean every time we need to. I think not. Even to supply us moments 'with my Mom' on a daily basis. (For those of you who don't know...My mom chose to have her ashes scattered in the water 's of Maui, rather than be buried) God really IS good all the time. Can you see the sun shining? How's about the Son? Cause He's shining all around us.~

Would You Still Trust Me?

After I hung up the phone I felt the need to be on my knees. I know now the nudge came from the only One who could see tomorrow.

The urgency resembled the moments we drove Tala to the hospital. All the way to the hospital I begged God to let her live. And just like the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I heard Him asking....'Would you still trust Me if my plan is to take you away from your children?'. But that day it was, 'Would you still trust Me if Tala doesn't live?' And later to be asked the same question about Takai.

And as I hung up the phone and fell to my knees, I heard Him asking yet again. 'Would you still trust Me if your Mom doesn't live through this?'

Answering this question is harder than it seems when one is in the midst of the 'battle'. So I won't even pretend and tell you that I immediately said, 'Yes Lord....I will trust!' No, it was more like, 'Ummm, sure.' Also, there were days for me to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in His ways. It was a daily challenge, and still is, for me to say, 'Yes, I will trust.' But I didn't have that time with my Mom. So I'm challenged to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in Him KNOWING that He chose to not allow her to live through it.

I know the statistics. All of them. My cancer should have taken me. But it didn't. The Amyliodosis, that took my Mom, had worse statistics. Actually facts. The word incurable screamed at me every time I went in for research. But this was my Mom...and He was my God. Put the two together and only good come out of it. Right?

Wrong.

The enemy had his way. The very next morning is a hell on earth that I relive many many times a day. And especially in the quiet of night. None of us were prepared for the reality of her death. Over two months later, and I still struggle to just type that word. It is surreal...a bad dream. Yeah, I know living AND dieing are a part of life. But not MY MOM!!!

It only took a few seconds for me to realize what He asked of me the day before was in preparation. He knew. He knew what the following morning would bring. So did He ask to be cruel?

No.

It was preparation. He knew and He loved me enough to prepare my heart. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm, by far, not perfect. In fact I have had many screaming at the top of my lung fits and uncontrollable sobbing parties. Usually in my car and, uh, pretty much daily. All of which have been aimed at Him. Don't worry, though....He can take it. As long as I'm trusting. Cause wasn't that the original question to begin with....'Will you trust Me no matter what?!' No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! No matter what?

I am challenge so much by her loss. There has been nothing up to this point in my life to compare. Seriously, with everything else that has gone on...nothing compares. And I am challenged greatly. Challenged to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook the food. Challenged to get up every morning. Challenged to go to the park & push my kids on the swings. Challenged to be motivated. Challenged to smile. Challenged to find joy. I know as time goes by everything will be to be better...but for now, I'm human, and I'm challenged.

But I have never once in the past couple months been challenged to keep on trusting Him....I just do it. It's as natural as breathing. And I can do it because the past 25 years have been in preparation to be able to do just that. Trust Him when one of my worst nightmares has become my reality. I'm realizing as days go by that I am blessed during this time of unmeasurable grief. I have the ability to trust Him. And only because 25 years ago today He began preparing my heart for what was to be. See, He knew what February 6, 2009 would one day hold. He knew that that my precious Mom would be going to her Heavenly Home that morning. And He loved me enough to prepare me to trust.

There have been many who have questioned my decision to 'keep my faith'. I mean after all, God let your Mom die, right? Yes, yes He did. He allowed it. Just like He allows all the other 'bad' in the world. AND just like He allows us free will. The way I see it is that I was given free will to walk into a church 25 years ago and ask my Jesus to be with me for the rest of my days. The way I see it is....He has done just that. The way I see it...only He knew how to reach the depths of her heart. The way I see it the good and the bad are going to happen. So as I think about all that has happened I realize that life really isn't about the 'events' that happen. Because no matter how 'bad' they are....we are capable of trusting the One who allows it all.

And I do. I do trust Him. Completely with my whole self.

Do you?

Could you?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5

Do You Really Want To Know?

I'm somewhat confused as to how I am supposed to answer the question...How are you?

In our society we ask that question to the majority of people we talk with during the day. The cashier, the teacher, the nurse, the attendant...it has become part of the casual greeting we exchange upon seeing someone....'Hi, how are you?'

So here I am caught walking a line of telling the truth, being tactful & making someone feel comfortable. Should I say that life sucks and I struggle pretty much every minute of the day with the hand I've been dealt? Maybe just responding with the expected, "I'm fine" is more acceptable. But acceptable to who. If we ask this question shouldn't we care about more than just the answer? Shouldn't we care about the person who is answering?! The person we are asking?!


Because I'm struggling so much and because I try to be tactful, more times than not, I tend to just reply with a "I'm fine" or "I'm good". I'm realizing as I sink into a deeper abyss of loneliness & heartache that I'm doing it even with those close to me.


It's just easier.

Easier than facing it all head on. Easier than talking about it. Easier than having the 'wrong', or is it 'right'?, question asked. Easier for fear that the question, 'How are you?' is being asked just for the heck of it. Easier than facing rejection.



With such extremes going on in my life, I have come to accept that there will be rejection. So many have chosen to walk away because of these extremes being too extreme. I get it. Totally. It really is a lot to take in. I'm actually in full swing of trying to come to grips with this type of rejection. So when you tie the two together -'how are you?' & rejection - it really is hard for someone in my position to even know where to begin to understand how to answer that question. I'm not always sure.

Soooooo. If you're reading this. And you're one who asks me....just tenderly let me know how you want my answer to lean.


The standard answer or honest one.


But the biggest lesson beyond all of that is that being asked is truly important for survival. Not being asked at all is the highest form of rejection. Well, at least it is in my book right now. So thank you to each of you who has taken time to ask. To know that you care deeply is what carries me at times.

I Plan to Keep Dancing

(scroll to the bottom and pause my playlist before watching videos)

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...





it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

By Way of the Angels

I opened up a book that I share with a few friends of mine. A book about friendship....

It's been awhile since I opened it. Needless to say I was taken aback when the chapter I left off reading was, WIND BENEATH MY WINGS: Celebrating Our Mothers

I literally sucked in my breathe as the tears were already flowing down my cheeks. I wondered if I had the strength at that very moment. It's one thing to miss her constantly, but another to actually sit in quiet and face her being gone head on. Most times I 'walk' away from those moments cause they are still so new and it is all so very raw. The pain is truly unbearable.

But I ventured forth. Here is the first thing that I read...

By Way of the Angels

Caroline Honn

***

She knows.

Our love is more

than bear hugs & Hallmark cards,

more than plane tickets & books

& homemade jams

all packed together on the same day

in one giant priority mail box.

She knows we love

more than words, more than tears,

more than time.

It is so through her love for us~

unbound, timeless,

too large for life itself to comprehend

but through the God who made us.

She knows we love her big;

and the word goodbye wasn't an option~

not while there were loved ones to visit

and little doll clothes to make,

not while there was still "stuff" to talk about.

She's in and out of our consciousness,

in and out of our breath as we absorb

the realization that she's in our hearts

now more profoundly than ever.

Knowing this will need to be enough

until we meet again

to celebrate forever.

By way of the angels~we love her big.

***

The reality of what has happened has set in full force. I have not had a moment go by that tears are not right there waiting to fall. And I'm realizing that my memories, thoughts & feelings will have to be enough right now. Right now that hurts. Deeply.

But I am praying that someday I will be able to share the sentiment that Caroline Honn shares about her mother. "There is nothing more fulfilling than experiencing the transformation of suffering and loss into a profound sense of the real God in our lives. A mother's love goes far beyond this world."

My Mom

It can only be assumed that the many posts to follow will be about the most influential woman in my life.

My Mom.

She truly was an exceptional person. And I know without a shadow of a doubt how perfectly blessed I was to be able to be her daughter & friend.

For those who did not have the pleasure...let me introduce you to my mother....


My Sister, Mom & Me

One of my favorite pictures ever!