A Tribute to Jud

Months later and I am still being taught by a very sweet, special and unique person. Judson Levasheff will forever be a part of my days and I never even had the honor of meeting him. His parents and I are connected through Biola University. We attended a few years apart but have some friends in common. It's through these common denominators that I became aware of their very ill 2 year old son.

Jusdon began his journey with Krabbe Disease (a rare, genetic, incurable leukodystrophy) shortly after I began mine with Breast Cancer. It slowly robbed him of his sight, ability to walk, speech and all bodily functions. Within a few months, this wretched disease robbed us all of this amazing boy.

As I sat on the sidelines praying for Jud's miracle, I was witness to the hideous way the enemy works. But yet, this family and little 2 year old made a conscious decision to bring glory to the Author of Life.

Judson died in his parents arms on November 7, 2007. In the midst of their unfathomable heartache and grief, Drake & Christina have continued to make it their mission to be as open as possible. Their journey is a constant source of inspiration and lessons for me.

Judson has left an imprint on my heart that will be with me forever. I would feel honored if you would visit and spend some time on the site they have dedicated to Jud's memory. You'll be able to pray for them, learn from them and forever be touched by one of God's most faithful....an amazing little 2 year old boy.

http://www.storyofjudson.com/

Ideal Friend

How many of us put on the 'happy' face just so others don't feel uncomfortable by our not-so-happy hearts? I think we all do it. We do it for various reasons. Having people know all our business is an area of vulnerability. Also, what if they don't 'get it'....what if they just really think our feelings aren't warranted?

I'm in a place that all this is at the forefront for me not telling others where I'm at. Oh sure, some people know some stuff and other's know other stuff. But I don't think there is just one person who knows it all. I hold back even though I'm blessed with many who care. There are reasons for some of the 'holding back', while some of it just stems from feeble attempts to rationalize within my own head :)

As I was sitting thinking through everything that I'm stressed about and who I've told what to and whom should I talk to about this & that....I had a thought that made me breathe easier for the moment.

There is One who knows it all. Actually, He knows more that I do. I'm so anxious for that human touch that I forget about the One who can heal my heart.

My life is so full of way too many stresses that I think I need to talk them over with someone. (And yes, for me this is most times productive...as I do try and lean on trusted & grounded people.) If we call God the Author of Life then why am I so quick to forget to ask for His help? Hello??!!! I think He has all the answers I'm needing...:)

"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made." - Psalm 145:8-9

Why would I not lean on Him? He's the ideal friend!!!

Surviving

I have found that being a survivor means many things.

My love for life, my family, friends and my God have become the purpose for what I now live. Each day is viewed as a gift that I embrace. (I know, I sound like a Hallmark card....but the words that I write are sincere.)

Surviving cancer means that I will always have to live with more regular checkups, always knowing that the 'medical' world is now my world, being terrified of -the very often- scans is common place in my life, and dealing with my chemo scarred body will be with me during this lifetime.

I saw my doc today and asked a few questions...
1) The ankle pain and foot pain are related. I have what is called Neuropathy. (Please excuse my very novice medical explanation.) We have 2 types of nerves in our body. The chemo drugs from past and present are slowly messing with 1 of these. Thus, what's happening in my ankles and foot. There is medicine for me to try. It works for some better than others. I'm praying I get relief from it. What's happening will most likely continue and probably move to other places. If the medicine works for me....I should be good. If not....we'll cross that bridge IF we have to. He also said swimming and massage are great for this. The swimming will be hard, as I have so many children :) But the massage I am more than game for.

2) I have had mouth sore this time around. Getting them is very common when going through normal chemo, NOT maintenance. But hellooooo...this is me we're talking about. I always have to be different, huh?! So please pray that this was a one time thing. Very painful and a very hard thing to deal with when trying to brush your teeth.

3) We talked about how long I would be doing my maintenance chemo. Originally it was to be 5 years. But then things became such a miracle situation that it was talked about it lessoning. Basically, I'm looking at a long time of this. It's up to me, the scans and my doc. He personally feels the longer the better. Remember, it's helping to kill and keep at bay any cancer that may be laying dormant in me. So if it's gonna keep me healthy....keep it coming.

And now to answer some random questions that many of you have asked:
I can go on vacation and 'miss' a chemo appointment. I can drink coffee (which I do regularly because I have a Starbucks addiction.) I can do most any type of massage but NO chiropractic anything. I DO have 4 children. (Takai 1 1/2, Torryn 4 this Sunday, Tala 7 1/2 & Tylor 14) I would choose the same exact doctors if I had to do it all again. I am from Maui, Hawaii. And I can get a tattoo

Please pray for :
*The medicine to work. Walking is becoming very difficult to do with the pain.
*My back pain to not get any worse. I am so thankful that it seems to 'just be'.
*We are down to 1 vehicle. Roy's truck is done and we don't have the option to get another one. This will be a hard thing to juggle with doctor's appointments for me and the kids, along with school next month.
*My veins to continue to hold out and be strong. It was talked about again today. I do NOT want another port....
*My upcoming surgeries. Reconstruction & Hysterectomy. I have no dates yet, but need all the prayer I can get in this area.
*SPECIAL PRAYER REQUEST*--Tristen. He is a month old and while in the hospital contacted MRSA. This is a very serious form of Staph. At this young age, he is very vulnerable and fragile. Please pray with me that his little body would be healed from the sores, fever and everything else that he's fighting.

My life has forever changed from cancer. But nothing will ever be taken for granted since I have been blessed with being a SURVIVOR. I embrace more and love deeper because of this title. It's one I will be grateful for the rest of this lifetime.

Borrowed Shoes

This life. We all have trials and tribulations. In the midst of them it becomes important for others to relate to us. It is for me, anyways. I want others to 'feel' my pain. I don't want to be alone in all this.


But how could they? My journey is my own. I am the only one to live it. No one has lived a day in my shoes.


Except One.


I have been quick to forget the One who walked this earth and lived each day in anguish for me. He did it while never wavering in where He placed His eyes. Heavenward. He knew His purpose and every action was done to complete it. Unlike me. I easily forget what I am here for. I get lost in the pain and aftermath that cancer has placed within my life. There are many times throughout my days that I seem to allow this valley to swallow me up like quick sand. Thankfully, He is always there ready to pull me out when I'm ready. He steadies me even when I continue to wobble in my balance. My shoes. The ones that I have to walk in seem to be covered with mud and debris that won't wash off. Maybe because more than I have walked in them. They're borrowed. The road they once traveled was much harder than this one I am on.

There is not one thing that I have gone through or will go through that is unique to this One. He's been there. He's felt it. He's lived it. He walked in my shoes.


So when I start to feel sorry for myself, I need to remember that my shoes are borrowed and He will always be able to fill them better than I.

HEAVEN & hell

We all imagine hell to be a certain way. Ugly, fire, red hot, evil devil man, pain. All of these are just the first few words that come to mind of how most would describe it. How would you? Do you relate it to a certain time in your life? Along with the descriptive words I listed, I tend to relate it to the here and now. It's no secret that my life is hard (actually my whole precious family's). My goal, because I know I share this often, is not for pity or anything of this nature. It is because of wanting others to know that it is by His grace alone that I make it through each day. He is the reason I am here and the very reason I share.

It doesn't make my 'earthly' hell any easier. Although, it has made me study a little bit more about what the bible teaches of the real hell.

"But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside,
into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
- Matthew 8:12

This is just one verse that has caught my attention. The picture that it paints here is enough to strike terror in any ones heart. Just as many verses paint opposite pictures of heaven. These impress the beauty there. If we take time to think about it....if heaven is better than what we can even imagine....don't you think hell is much worse?

My life right now may be 'hell'....but only for a moment. Because what 'earthly' hell brings us can't even begin to touch on the real hell that awaits those who choose to not believe. I am so thankful that my circumstances may be hellish in nature, but my Jesus saves. And He as chosen me by name. And my name is written in the Book of Life.

My guarantee that I will never see the true real hell.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers,
whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
- James 1:2-3

Streets of gold, no tears, pain or lack of love....I will persevere to see Heaven beyond my wildest imagination. And there I will be with the One who saved me from the real hell.

"You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
-Psalm16:11

Sharing THE Love

I want so much to serve my God and tell everyone of what He has done for me. The desire is so great. Have you heard the term "burning deep in my soul"? Every where I go I look for opportunities to tell of my journey. Any one who 'opens' up a conversation with me just doesn't know what they're in for. Back in 'the day' it was more about talking/preaching/and shoving the gospel down peoples' throats. But today, we are more cautious. We need to live it for them to want to believe it. And this is the way it actually should be.

I've tried to do this. I'm not one to talk about my faith with someone who is going to be uncomfortable with it...to a degree. I have never wanted to be the one that would detour someone off the path that is pointing towards Christ. Am I afraid of witnessing? No. But I have always tried to be cautious and tactful. There are so many around me that do not have the same beliefs as me. I have always found that my relationship with them is what it's all about. Unless we can build an authentic one, religion doesn't even stand a chance to enter into any type of productive conversation.

I have been given a huge, gigantic, enormous platform. People may not want to hear about faith from others. But when someone has a personal story to tell, they relate. Others want to hear the trials that you've been through. People are quick to sympathize with reality. Real stories tend to pull at heart strings in a way that 'preaching' could never do. God uses these stories. Why is that?

Life. It's happening all around us. It's happening to each and everyone of us. Our journeys are all different though. Some of us have been given a 'harder' road to walk. We have to figure out how to carry a much bigger and heavier cross.

I'm struggling with mine. But there is joy because as I carry it, in its enormous stature, it's hard for others not to notice. People want to know how it became the size that it is. They want to hear about each step of my walk. And believe me when I say, "I'm embracing this opportunity." The road has been full of sharp turns, potholes and speed bumps. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I have come to know this is all preparation. Painful, yes. But preparation nonetheless.

It is not cruel testing from God. Some have thought this and voiced it also. I have had to remind them, along with my own heart, that it is all gentle preparation for the incredible work He is to have me do for His Kingdom. Without it, I would not have the training I would need to successfully fulfill my duties. Without it I would be blinded to what I was to supposed to be learning AND teaching.

As I have gone on my knees with tearful prayers, crying out and feeling unheard, He is answering. There have been and will continue to be times that I feel forsaken. But He is answering. Sharing my journey and teaching others of His complete love is part of my today and future. My journey has prepared for this. I am thankful for the perfection of His ways. Is all the disease and pain part of the plans that He has had for me. Truthfully, I think the enemy is working in ways that he has done since the fruit left the forbidden tree. But our God can and does use everything for His good and kingdom. If we let Him. His ways are perfection. All-knowing. Sweet. It is Love.

But yet I doubt. The details of this world take over. They try to sneak in and grab hold of the certainties that He has planted. They are disguised in the costumes of money, pain, more illness, exhaustion, and anything the enemy can transform. It's easy to forget that this world is a battle field and we are the soldiers. And even easier to forget that we can't stand on both sides.

"Put on the full armor of God

so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,

but against the rulers,

against the authorities,

against the powers of this dark world

and against the spiritual forces of evil

in the heavenly realms."

-Ephesians 6:11-12

I've declared my stand. But yet I wander to other side. Often. The King's side is one of certainty, provision, goals and perfect destination. The side of darkness encompasses hatred, division and walking aimlessly. Why do we even bother thinking about this side? I can't believe I freely turn my back on His Majesty without even looking back, not once, but over and over. And to top it off....He welcomes me back with outstretched arms each and every time.

It's the love.

I want so much to serve my God and tell everyone of what He has done for me. Why? Simple.

He is Love.

My 'Deep' Desire -Sept.5-6

I have no idea what Sept. 5-6 will hold. That far in the future is always so hard to plan when you're dealing with medical stuffs. But I have a desire. Beth Moore. She is such an incredible author. I would love to hear her speak and teach. AND she will be here in Sept along with Kay Authur (who I love also!) and Priscilla Shirer. I want so much to go and be apart of the 'Deeper Still' event.

I have a few friends that just had the privilege to go to it and were renewed in incredible ways....I so desire this.

Wanna go with me?

Reservations and all that stuff need to be done soon. So email me and let me know if you wanna be refreshed. I'll throw in some good company and a few Starbucks to top off the weekend.

...p.s. Those of you who really know me, know that to commit to something like this with my kids and crazy schedule is very hard. The desire is there always...but the 'time for me' is not usually. So please partner with me in prayer that this becomes a reality because I desire this greatly right now. For me and whomever God has for me to share the weekend with. Is it you?

Here's places you can visit to learn more about Beth and 'Deeper Still'.

www.lproof.org

or

http://www.lifeway.com/ev/events_detail_mainpage/0%2C2232%2CE%25253D150%252526M%25253D200979%2C00.html

or

http://blogs.lifeway.com/blog/deeperstill/

Balance

Balance. It's what is on my mind pretty much all the time.

The balance of having 4 kids home everyday and what to do for/with them. The balance of taking time for myself in the craziness of our schedule this summer. The balance of time spent on the computer updating and journaling. The balance of investing in others lives, as this is always important. The balance of taking care of medical needs...again, in the craziness of my schedule. The balance of spending time learning and growing in His ways and allowing Him to seep into every part of where the balancing becomes unsteady.

Balancing is a juggling act.

Many of you have asked more specifics about my surgery. Right now, honestly, I am trying not to be to depressed about it...and not in the way you may think.

Some of you know that I love, love, love my OB. She is one of those people you just adore the moment you meet her. But there's more. She has been with me for 7 years. She has walked with me through a miscarraige, 2 pregnancies and 9 months of an open incision from a c-section (yes....9 months!). Then to add to this, she was the 'one' who started the 'chain' of events connecting me to great doctors throughout this cancer journey. Not many people can say that their gynecologist walked through chemo/cancer with them.

Along with Dr. T, I have been blessed with the friendships of her great staff. She has 2 wonderful women that are, not only faithful to her, but to me. Each one of these women, in my opinion, play an intricate part in my being here today. Did I mention how much I love them too?!!!!

Dr. T is so great that in the past year she started her own practice. V. & B. were brillantly smart to tag along with her. I, of course, followed all 3. I drive to the other end of the state to see them :)....

BUT

My insurance did not follow :(

This is were I am today. My surgery, if done by Dr. T, will have to be paid 100% by me. If not....I have to 'suck it all up' and go with another doctor. I know, I know...some of you are probably saying that it's no big deal and it's just something I gotta get over. But it's not that easy. When you have been and are going through so much medically, you tend to realize when you have a good thing. And in this case...I have the best. And I'm having a hard time swallowing that I may have to settle for 2nd best just because of money.

But it is what it is and I'm praying my way through it right now as I ask many questions and have Dr. T refer me to whom she thinks is a good choice. When the plans are made I will be sure to let you all know. There will be some time before it's all set because I also have to coordinate things with my mom and anyone else who may be helping....I've been told my recovery will be 6-8 weeks (uggh)!

Physically I am still struggling with new things. My ankles are in constant pain. Along with this, my right foot is in some extreme pain most of the time. And the newest is more back pain. I actually woke up this morning and took pain medicine that I haven't taken in over a year.

I will be meeting with my doc next week and discussing all this with him. In talking with Roy, we've concluded a couple of things.....every 6 weeks I take a drug with my chemo that strengthens my bones. While I was on my regimented 6 cycles this drug caused severe pain through my bones each time. Ever since I started my 'maintenance' chemo, it hasn't seemed to give me any problems....BUT the last few times that I have gone - it seems to be when these 'new' symptoms have arose. So maybe I'm becoming sensitive to this drug once again.

We also think my body is just tired. Tired of balancing. When anyone is doing too much they usually get sick in some fashion. Well, maybe, my 'chemo' tired body is just that...tired.
Either way....I'm praying my way through it all.

Life is hard. But I choose joy!
Life is tiring. But I choose joy!
Life is. And I choose joy!

Slowing Down

I had an epiphany last night.

Some think that God is NOT in the business of miracles anymore. That they are for old testament times. Some think that miracles are only things that are ''big & extravagant"...like my being healed of cancer. Some think that miracles only come to 'good' people or those who have an incredibly close walk with God.

The other night as we were all rushing to get out the door, I heard a large crash followed by a loud scream. The crash was not your normal everyday 'kid getting into something' crash. And the scream was one that pierces throughout your body. So with the water still running in the kitchen sink and dropping everything in my hands.....I ran.

The fixture behind our toilet had come loose from the wall and crashed onto Torryn. All the toiletries in the cabinet along with the glass dolphins that used to grace the two top shelves with their beauty.....ALL came down on top of him along with the wooden shelf that stands as tall as Roy. And there my baby sat crying big crocodile tears while holding his head and saying "I didn't do it".

I scooped him up to love, cuddle AND INSPECT all injuries while everyone else commented on the mess and broken glass throughout our bathroom. He had a small but big bump on the top of his head. Within 10 minutes of attention and babying he was fine. I was not.

I was quick to 'teach' all of them how blessed we were that it was not any worse. But deep inside my heart the 'what ifs' immediately started playing in my mind. (They seem to do that more often, now...and more intensely since so much has happened.) I could not get out of my head that all he had was a little bump. Believe me when I say there was a lot of stuff in the cabinet along with about 8-10 glass pieces (all but 2 broke and shattered). So many scenarios could have happened. The fear that began to grip at my heart seemed warranted. Any parent would agree that these times of our children getting hurt can turn us into emotional lunatics sometimes. I kinda went to that place.

Then the epiphany.

We fill our days with so much. Sometimes too much that it takes away from us seeing things for what they truly are. That night we were rushed and still worked at getting out the door on time. But as I cleaned the mess up later and into the next day, I had time to ponder what had happened. God gave me time to see what He had done even when I wasn't looking.

Instead of holding onto the fear of that moment which held so many 'what ifs'...I realized I needed to be doing the opposite. Realizing the miracle for what it was. God, himself. He choose to save Torryn from the unthinkable. It could of ranged from cutting his arm with some glass all the way to being knock so hard to put him into a coma...or worse. Why did none of those things happen? God, himself.

God IS in the business of miracles ALL THE TIME. Miracles do happen in our times. Miracles do NOT have to be some unbelievable turn of events. Miracles happen to anyone, no matter how good or 'religious' we may be. Miracles happen all the time...but we miss most of them.

Seeing this miracle for what it was is were the epiphany comes in.

It's so simple, but because of our busyness, we need to be reminded to slow down and see that all things good are from God. And God is the one who grants us these miracles....many which we do not take time to 'see' and be thankful for. We need to slow down in order to see God himself and all that He is doing. If we don't, we will miss the miracles.

So up until the 'shelf' incident, I was saying that Tala & Takai were here because of miracles. (Because of last years 'medical' miracles.) NOW...I've slowed down enough to know that all four of my kids, including Torryn & Tylor, are here because of His graciousness. I am just curious to know what else I have missed because I didn't take the time to see Him at work. I can guarantee that I will be thinking back to past experiences to see what things I didn't recognize for what they, or should I say, WHO they truly were.

Psalm 100

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

2 Years, One Master

It's taken 2 years. I have always said to people (some of you may have been recipients) that you will not think of who you owe money to on your death bed. Without asking for the 'lesson', I actually learned how truly true those words are. You DO NOT think of money and finances when given life or death choices.

I remember back in June of last year when I was told that doing the Gamma Knife Radiation Surgery of my brain would NOT be covered by my insurance. Standing in front of the woman at the Gamma Knife institute as she actually thought I needed to think about which choice was best......my life or $72,000. HHHMMMMMMM.....at that moment I did not think of the consequences of just 'going for it'. (Don't get me wrong...I would do it again in a heart beat, as it did save my life.)

We have acquired thousands upon thousands in just medical. Not to mention just plain living expenses. Each and every day since this all started has been with decisions that in the end have affected our finances.

We are finally here....it's taken 2 years. We are finally buried by the financial burden that all of this has created.

Honestly, there are times that my anxiety gets the best of me and I find it hard to sleep, function and breathe. It's one thing when you have only yourselves to take care of. But Roy and I feel this weight to be so heavy, as we have four children depending on us. Not to mention how our priorities have changed. Tala's needs are a necessity. They are at the very top of our list. Our home, utilities, vehicles, food, etc have taken a back seat to the fact that what she needs is truly a NEED. (As hard as this all has been, I am thankful for this lesson....learning what's a real NEED as opposed to what we think we need.)

It's taken 2 years for me to realize that every aspect of our lives is out of our control.
So why am I allowing the Satan to have this foothold in my heart with such a menial thing such as money?

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power

and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,

for everything in heaven and earth is yours.

Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom;

you are exalted as head over all.

Wealth and honor come from you;

you are the ruler of all things.

In your hands are strength and power

to exalt and give strength to all."

-I Chronicles 29:11-12

Throughout these past 2 years I have crawled slowly toward my God. There have been so many times that I have not trusted Him for His all knowing ways that I have turned to run in the opposite direction. Whether it be my health, my kids health, material needs, finances, family or friends....I struggle to give it ALL to Him.

I HAVE been able to give Him the 'cancer' and allow Him to hold it. Why? Honestly, when I reflect I can only attribute it to His supernatural grace. Definitely not my ability to handle it. For I am weak.

Why can I trust Him with the biggest thing that has ever happened to me, but yet, struggle moment to moment with the smaller? Why do I get overwhelmed with things that I am blessed just enough to be here to deal with? Why do I continue to question His plan? Why do I wonder how He is going to provide?

It's taken 2 years for me to fully realize that He loves me enough to save me from the hands of the enemy. It's taken 2 years for me to learn that I daily, sometimes, moment by moment, need to continue to give it to Him....that I will never 'get it' all....if I did, I wouldn't need Him anymore.

It's taken 2 years for me to grasp a whole lot tighter to the things that are meant to mean something in this lifetime that I have been granted. It's taken 2 years for me to know that money is something that the enemy will continue to use against most because the stress and anxiety it causes is real and deep.

It's taken 2 years for me to grab a hold of the very simple lesson......HE IS ENOUGH!

No one can serve two masters.

Either he will hate the one and love the other,

or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

You cannot serve both God and Money.

-Matthew 6:24

I find it interesting that as I ponder this verse it all comes down to God and money. It talks of two masters. I know that God is the One that is always 'one of the two'....but anything could be the 'other'. Family, friends, health, food, jewelry, travel, collections....anything. We can only love one, not both. Again, anything could be the 'other'. But as we see, "you cannot serve both God and Money".

Why would it come down to God and Money?

As I go through my days now with the 'money' thing being so gigantic of a mountain....I think I finally understand how money can be the opposite of God.

Yes, Satan uses so many 'things' to get at us, to draw us from His presence. But money. Oh money. This is the one thing that the enemy can constantly tangle himself in purposefully and consistently. He does this knowing that no matter how much or how little we have, he WILL have the control....most of the time.

It is crucial to realize that money is the enemy's stronghold on us. But it is in the realization of his tactics that we are able to stop him in his tracks. We are able to remember who we are called to serve....only One Master. When we do this, we enable God to be in the control seat....even where our finances are concerned.

It's taken 2 years. I have been financially challenged for so long. But I long to only serve One Master......and money is not it!!!