In the past week or two a lot has happened. Actually, some of it started months ago, but has just come to a head, so to speak, recently. There are 3 main people who have continuously walked this road with me. I mean, physically. But in the past little bit, things have changed. For 2, it is by choice. Unaware, but by choice in the long run. For the other, circumstances out of their control. But none of that is the problem. I'm lonely. I've said from the beginning of all of this that anyone has the choice to walk away from all this. There is not one person who does not have that option. And it's finally happened. The ones closest, have walked. And they don't even realize it. Does it hurt? Well, of course. But just because I'm on my own now. I totally get that others have to live their own lives. And that nothing was done intentionally. There is no resentment on my part. But understanding this does not take these ever present feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness is a horrible feeling. And for me, it brings me back into the reality of depression. Yes, depression. You see, just about 4 years ago depression entered my life in the form of Post Pardum. I felt and saw things through a depressed woman's view. This depression should have left. But the turn of events in my life has just given it the chance to linger. So through all the incredible miracles, wonderful people and acts of service, beautiful compliments...I have been within myself battling depression. I know I put on a great 'front' to what is actually happening within. Which is one of the main things God, as well as some who are close to me, has challenged me on. Bringing it all to the table has been a inward battle. I DO pride myself on being able to 'do well' in the eyes of others. Now, not so much. I am finding it of much more importance to tell it like it is. Being 'real' allows others to feel the freedom to do so too. But, by far, this is the hardest time of my life. I am carrying way too much and feeling lost in it all. I seriously am just trying to survive each moment at a time. Trying to figure out what God wants in the midst of it makes me feel like I have blinders on a lot of the time. Waving my hands out, grasping for a little touch of His sleeve. Lost, lonely, depressed and cancer stricken. That's me. In a very deep, dark pit of despair.
Cancer sucks, depression sucks & loneliness sucks. Ultimately just one of these things could bring a person down crumbling to a place of no return. But as I head towards Thanksgiving this week, I've been challenged to be thankful in and for all things. Honestly, I feel I've done pretty well as far as being thankful in my circumstances. But to be thankful for is another story. Yeah, I've actually been able to say I am thankful for the cancer, depression & loneliness within my journaling and while talking to people. But I've realized that I have never said 'Thank You' to the One who has allowed these things into my life. Why is that? Maybe because once I do that, then I am in someway giving permission for it to continue. (Like GOD needs MY permission, huh?!!!) While, deep down, I wish all three were not a part of my life and that they would just disappear.
I don't think for one minute that God brought these things to me. Wanting me to suffer and go through hard times. No, He is a loving God that has given the people of this world free choice. Thus, where the sin, disease and yuck fall in. So did He bring all this my way? No. But He has for His own reasons allowed them to take place. I have had two choices here....to resent Him for this or to accept His infinite wisdom and grow through it all. I've chosen the later. But saying 'Thank You'?!!?
I'm lonely. Which in turn has brought me to this place of utter dependence on my ultimate Friend. The One who is not only willing to hold my hand through it all, but is carrying me during times that I'm too tired to take another step forward. So if being this lonely has brought me to this place....then I AM thankful. I am thankful for it all. To live my life leaning solely on the One who loves me most is the goal I have been reaching towards. I have so much farther to go. My words, often times, speak so eloquently. While my heart is in war. But if cancer, depression, loneliness & whatever else comes my way are steps closer to understanding Him more....than I am thankful for it all. The resentment will come and go, I'm sure. I'm human and imperfect. But for now, in this moment, I'm choosing to say "Thank You"....
Father, up until now I have had no words. Only resentment for the things brought into my life. Although, I aimed my feelings towards the enemy, I realize now that I was not acknowledging where the 'choice' for these things to be apart of my life came from . Ultimately, You have the final say. So, in the end, my resentment was unconsciously directed at You. Please forgive me. Since realizing this, I've struggled with being able to say 'Thank You' to You for these things in my life that I would rather not be a part of. But here I am, loving you deeper because of them. Why me? I don't fully understand why you love me so deeply as to continually pull me closer. But I am thankful. And I say Thank You for the cancer. For the depression. For the loneliness. For everything that You've allowed. I don't necessarily like it all. But they have been stepping stones towards You. So Thank You for each and everything.
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