Some days I've just had enough. Enough of the petty. People just going through the motions and having junk flow out of their mouths. More importantly, I hate being one doing the same even though my journey has privileged me to know better.
Recently, there have been some very hurtful things said to & about me. Others criticizing how we are 'living' and the choices we are making. I'm so tired of the petty stuff. Sadly, most people don't even know what has come out of their mouths. They are completely unaware of my hurt. But it stings. When others are throwing insult to injury in my world....I just retreat within. Especially when these come from those who are closest. When this happens I question where to go with my heart. I become more cautious of opening up.
"Your life is too overwhelming for me."
"It's just an inconvenience to help out."
"Put cancer in the past and stop dwelling."
"It's not like someone died."
"Why do you dwell on all the pain?"
"You should just be thankful that you're here."
"It really isn't as hard as you say it is."
"You're not the only one with problems, you know."
"You should make God your focus rather than yourself."
and, finally, let's not forget things that fit into this category.....
People thinking, aloud, that they know what's best (without all the facts or living it). People passing judgement (without all the facts or living it). People being hurtful (all the while knowing enough facts but still not living it). People making decisions for us (without all the facts or living it). **I think you get my drift**
So what would you reply to all these? Yeah, me....retreating seemed better than anything I came up with. God truly would not be glorified by any thought that first popped into my head. Because I know myself pretty well. When I allow myself to speak without thinking and pondering....I can spew some hurtful trash to those I love. And you know that old saying, "sticks & stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me."? Well, that's bologna!!! Anyone who has had hurtful words said to them know that kind of pain is the worst of all. It's the type that cuts deep into our soul. It takes time to heal this type of wound. We're talking an open gash that can only be taken care of by His soothing balm. For without it, we are unable to truly forgive....those who hurt us & ourselves when changes need to be made.
Within the past four months I have had such hurtful things said to me....by people who care and love me. But I'm tired. Tired of walking away, holding my tongue and having to spend precious time having to sort it all out. I'm worn out. Tired of trying to come up with the 'right' responses. I know that most of it was not meant to hurt me or that the person/s don't even have a clue what they said. Or more importantly, how it was received. But I'm called to live a live of honor, regardless.
"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." -Romans 12:10
Now like you & the rest of man kind, I value being right. And in my everyday life of such trials, it's so easy to think that I have the right to be right. In doing so, I tend to let the 'honor' part of this verse to get lost. Thus making it really hard to show others honor when I'm always trying to prove that I'm right all the time. For me, it basically comes down to keeping my mouth shut. Those of you who know me, know that I love to talk. So to actually follow through on the act of keeping both lips together....so, so, SO HARD! It really is an act of humility to be able to just walk away without saying anything. But I find that when I do...it becomes about Him and what He would have me learn from that particular conversation. Sometimes I simply am asked to think first and then approach in a loving fashion. But other times...I'm asked to just suck it up and let it go. Not easy for me...but an area, that when I follow His leading, I am able to know that I am living my life with honor.
So why share all this now. Do I want some sympathy....well, yeah, maybe a little :) No, but really, it's more about me and the lessons I've been learning lately. I tell my kids all the time that they can't let what others do or say determine what they, themselves, do or say. In other words, be your own person and make decisions that are truly acceptable to God. When others hurt me I need to put that lesson into play. Yes, I'm tired and weary of it all. But when I feel beat down by criticism....I need to be my own person. The person that God is proud of. Reminding myself that walking away is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Here's another old saying, "If you have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all." Well, the nicest thing I can say about all that has come out of this is that I feel closer to my Savior, my Confidant. He is the One true friend. I am so thankful that when I feel the world is against me....that He is always for me. It is so special to feel carried when I have no strength to walk. It ultimately doesn't matter what others think. What matters is that I work to be in the center of His will and no one else's. Only then can I live this life in a way that honor's Him rather than myself.
Now, if only I can keep my mouth shut....
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