Just Now

I try so hard to have the good outweigh the bad. I want to be positive more than negative. It's important to focus on what I am blessed with rather than what, you know, is the opposite of blessed....stress, just simply crap that the enemy throws my way. Yeah, I know I used the word 'crap', sorry. I'm really trying to wean myself of it. But let me point out 2 things here. 1: That word really doesn't do what Satan brings on any justice. Seriously! and 2: Swearing is not a habit I struggle with most often. But there are a few words that I do feel I should 'watch my tongue' with. And the 'c' word happens to be one of them. Oh, but don't you worry. I have the best 'officers' on the job to make me take notice if I go astray. They might be pint size, but they get the job done quite swiftly. :)

Okay, that was a serious tangent. So back to the point I was getting at...

Good/Bad. Positive/Negative

Staying the course that God has called me to do is, by far, mind boggling to me each and everyday. Why me????!!!!?? I ask this each. and. EVERY. DAY! Although, I don't know why I do. This IS my journey. I am a part of His Story. So instead I am realizing more and more and more...that it is more the question of , "Why NOT me?"

But I struggle.

Waking up each day knowing that things have not changed. For the most part (minus the blessings of being here with my family complete and intact) they have gotten worse, harder. I truthfully hate, detest what this disease has done to change my life in the negative aspect. It's with bitterness that I even let the word, 'cancer' flow from my lips. It's really as if I can taste it. And it's rancid.

But.

If I only focus on these things then where would I be. I, truthfully and fully believe, that I would not be here. I must put all my focus on the One who has chosen for me to remain. I MUST! It is through His saving grace that I sit here pouring out my thought that others take the time to read. In my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be putting some of my innermost feelings 'out there' for the world to see. But it's Him. His Story. All along it has been about Him.

So, I was drained and in tears as I sat down to type a while ago....but once again, He shows up. Reminding me what it is supposed to be all about. I had it in my head to pour out my tears onto my keyboard. Crying out to anyone who would listen to my sorrow for the life I have been asked to walk. Letting all that cared know that I am at the end of my rope. I was fearing that I could not hold on much longer. But He has gently, ever so gently, reminded me that it's at the end of the rope where He can grab a hold me and pull me into His protective embrace.

And He has done just that.

Just now.

He pulled me close so I could once again hear His heartbeat.

So I will wake up tomorrow to face the day. I WILL choose the good. The positive.

I will choose Him.