HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAKAI

You are my miracle baby! Everyone who knows the whole story behind your birth, knows what a miracle you are. God has a purpose far beyond what I could dream for you. Just look at all you've done in 2 years. People from all over the world are believing in His greatness just a little bit more because of you.

And to think....He saved you twice within 4 months. My miracle baby.

I am so, so blessed to be your mommy. Your smile just lights up a room. I cannot tell you how many times a day I hear from people just what a special boy you are. You radiate such happiness.

The past 2 years with you have been so full. As I have battled my disease...you have been a constant source of joy for our family. Each of us adores you. At times we fight over who gets to hold you, sit by you or just be with you. You are our real life baby doll.

I am so in love with you my tiny little man. Happy Birthday, Honey!!!

2 Year Anniversary

A year ago today I wrote this post reflecting on my 1 year mark of my diagnosis. Here I am today reminiscing over the 2ND one. So much has gone on. So much so that time seems to have flown by. Don't get me wrong. There are times, moments, that seem to drag out as the enemy attempts to bring me down.

If I had to sum up the 1st year in one word, it would have to be 'miracles'.

The 2ND would easily be described as 'toilsome'.

It's the aftermath. I've said it before. The combo of physical, emotional, mental & spiritual thrown together with trying to live a 'normal' life within this world, interacting with people who just don't 'get it' and wanting to be the best that you are meant to be....has just about pushed me over the edge. (The edge of what? Yeah, I don't know...just a figure of speech...for effect :))

But I have chosen joy.

I can't lie. The joy is not always felt. But it is something I choose. Consciously. It is the only way I know to survive this toilsome march I seem to be on. The Disciples were not instantly given This Joy. They had times full of failure, disappointment, denial, desertion & hopelessness. It was in the hope, waiting & courage that joy became their reward.

Joy is the reward that I seek. Some days I see it in the midst of my dark days. Some days I see it in my children's' smiles. Some days I hear it from your words. Some days I am given it in the form of a blessing from the totally unexpected. Some days I struggle to grasp just a twinkle of it. Some days I know He is smiling at my faithfulness. Because it truly is pure. Just as I long for Pure Joy.

I know I am in a place that He has seen since the beginning of time. My life may not be full of tangible joy. But this year sure has brought me to a place where I can grasp what True Joy is all about. This year has grown me to new heights in my understanding of my Savior. For it is because of Him that I am even here typing these words.....

Joy.
True Joy.

Update 12/27/08

I pray your Christmas was a time of more than hustle & bustle. That you were able to grab a few moments to reflect on the Ultimate Gift we received many years ago in the form of a tiny baby.

I will not lie, with four kids it is easy to get caught up in the 'fun' of Christmas. And it truly is a joy to see them happy. Not just from the gifts...but it's been so much fun having Tylor home for Christmas. Roy's had some days off...so family time has been great!!!

I wanted to come on today with the sole purpose of updating on my friend Barbara. So many of you have embraced this friend & her family in your love & prayers. I know what it means to have many 'on your side'. Thank you will never seem enough.

Here's the latest update that I received a few days ago from her parents.

We've had 10 more bonus days with Barbara! Praise the Lord! Each day has special memories, laughs, hugs and tears but we are treasuring them! Barbara's symptoms seem to get just a little worse each day. Her good side (left) has a little tingling now like the right side started out. She is still very aware of everything and talks to us very well. That's a praise from where she was last week! And the biggest praise in the middle of all this is that she is NOT in pain! That in itself is a miracle and grace from the Lord!

Her spirits are mostly good but she is frustrated of this situation. Pray for her for Peace. There is still hope for a miracle healing. Your prayers, love and concern are so precious to us all.

God is Good to provide in abundance for our needs.
Love, Kathy and Lynn

Have a great weekend! Shannon

JESUS IS BETTER...Merry Christmas!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

This is truly one of my favorite days of the year. I love everything that goes on. The only thing that tends to lack, is the focus on the TRUE meaning of what this day signifies. Take time today to reflect on what our mighty God gave us so, so many years ago. It was a gift that changed the world.

REMEMBER:
Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh.
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year.
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies.
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited.
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa.
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap.
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly.
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO.
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys.
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree.
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TALA!!!

My Dearest TalaDyani,

8 years ago today I was blessed with the baby girl I had always dreamed of. You were absolutely beautiful beyond words. Your daddy & I just would sit and start at you. All the people on the maternity ward would come visit you because they all feel in love with you.

You are still full of beauty. I am so honored to be your mommy.

This past year has been a full year of you adjusting to your diabetes. And you continue to amaze me. Everyday you test and take your shots as natural as can be. When people ask me how you're doing....I cannot rave enough about you. You are my hero!!! Life is not fair. We don't know why you were chosen to walk this path...but so far you are doing it with great grace & dignity. You make me so proud!

Thank you for always being able to make me smile & laugh in a way no other can. You bring me joy, my Angel Girl. I always thought I would have a household full of girls. But here I am without only one. And I am so thankful that you were handpicked by God just for me. Everyday I am reminded in so many ways just how much of a blessing you are.

Today you turn '8'. WOW! I can't believe it. The time of little girl play is almost over. You are heading into the area of being a 'big' girl. I miss my little girl, but am loving the young lady you are becoming. Your ability to adjust to the 'hard' life we have been called to walk is something you are learning to do better than most adults.

I love you Sweetie! Happy Birthday!
love, Mommy

Update 12/19/08

It's been a rough week physically. I'm not sure if it is because I went so long between treatments or just because this one is affecting me more. My bone pain is to the extreme of when I was in my actual starting cycle of treatments. This, of course, is difficult to deal with when I'm on my own. I'm not able to sit and rest or take medication like I need to help with the pain. Along with this is some added side effects that I have not had in quite some time. So, if you think of me....please pray for the physical end of things for the next couple of days. Thanks.


I will say this, though....I've had some help being distracted......we had a snow storm here
in Vegas. Yes, really. Granted I know it was small compared to some of you who are used to feet and feet of snow. BUT. For us from the islands & the desert.....it was a blistery storm. Take a look at a few of the pictures I have loaded. The kids had a blast. We even had an official 'snow day' yesterday. I really needed just a break. A break from all the schedules and stuff. And I was blessed in the form of our snow day. We had a lot of fun. And created a great deal of laundry :)

The days are fast approaching for many good things. Tylor will be with us this Christmas. All of us are excited to see him....but I don't think anyone more than Tala. Christmas is such an incredible reminder of the ultimate gift from our Heavenly Father. I love, love, love Christmas. Always have. And 8 years ago (almost)....Roy & I were blessed with Tala on Christmas night. (Side note bragging: Tala was actually the last baby born on Christmas 2000 in the USA - 11:59pm) We try to have many special traditions to separate the specialness of both. Following Christmas signifies the 2 year mark of my diagnoses, along with the fact that I will be able to say I am a 2 year survivor. 2 YEAR SURVIVOR!!! Wow! This journey has been long, but yet, seems just like yesterday that it all started.


I imagine I will have a lot to say in the next few weeks. :) Until then, Shannon
(sorry, I've been trying to end this 'gracefully'...but I have many small people vying for my attention right now :o) )

Update 12/16/08

The Christmas Season is definitely in full swing for most of us. It has always been my favorite time of year. And now I just have so much to reflect upon that I'm almost speechless. :o) To think that 2 years ago I was in the midst of not knowing what was happening with my body. And now, here I am, to tell of the amazing miracles that have touched my life since then. I have been undeserving for all of it. And to know that He gave me all that AND His Son too!!!!....just makes Christmas that much more meaningful for me. I can only pray it is just as special for each one of you.


I finally got to the doctor today and am THRILLED to report that I 'officially' heard it from his mouth....I am still cancer free, NED, in remission....a survivor! There's nothing else that could top that. Thank you to all of you who have been so faithful in praying and giving me such great encouragement. I never get tired of letting you know that I just couldn't do it without you all.

And I will leave you with the latest from Barbara's mom. I have been so blessed by what is happening within Barbara's life. Please continue to pray. And be encouraged that God is alive and working and doing amazing things. Love to you all!!! Shannon


Dear Friends and Family,
Well, things are pretty much back to “normal” or what our normal has been the last few weeks. Barbara has gone back to the Detox program with a few solids here and there (like mashed potatoes). She is ready for “real” food but we’d really like to keep with the program and complete our goal here to get her healthy.

She did want to go somewhere today so I took her to get her eyebrows waxed! Then she wanted to go to Henry’s and pick up some natural organic hair color! And then when we got home she wanted to go to Target to do a little Christmas shopping. I said we’d do that another day- I was tired!! I’ll take these initiatives as feeling a little better! Ok – she just told me she wants some Red Robin French fries! I think it’s the steroids kicking in!


This last week has certainly been a huge leap of faith for many people. We keep hearing stories of people feeling led to pray at just the time we needed it most. Sometimes we weren’t even aware of any particular crisis and people would start praying so only the Lord knows what could have happened that was prevented by prayers – so keep those prayers going up!

We had some family here this weekend and it was such a blessing to be surrounded by our loved ones.

Barbara still giggles at just about anything remotely funny. But little Joshua can get her going better than anyone except maybe Mike!
Love, Kathy

This Is The Day The Lord Has Made!!!

I find myself utterly amazed and ashamed that I ever doubt my God. He IS a God of miracles. I should have gotten this lesson down a while ago, don't ya think?!!! Whether we choose to believe or not. There really is no defying Who is behind the good of this world. It is so not by chance as many believe. Only a Power so great could turn the events that are unexplainable.


Within the last 24 hours I have received 2 separate devastating emails from my dear friend Barbara's family. (refer to recent updates if you have not read them...they are so beautifully said.) So when I received a 3rd just now, of course my heart sank before even reading it. Assuming the worst. But I am weak. My belief became centered on what the world so easily succumbs to....worldly thoughts.

I am privileged to share the follow with you all. Thank you for continuing to pray for sweet Barbara. He is hearing and choosing to answer in a way we easily forget He is capable of. Non of us know the plan He has in store. But one thing that is sure and comforting. Barbara will be healed by the Ultimate Healer. And it will be in HIS time.


LETTER FROM BARBARA'S PARENTS:

WE WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!!!! WOW! We are praising this day that the Lord gave us!! Barbara woke up this morning TALKING! It took a little effort but she was able to communicate to Mike! And it improved from there!
People, I believe we had a Miracle today! Even the doctor was surprised at how well she could talk! He even used the word "miracle!" Mike called me this morning and I could hear Barb talking in the background then I got on the phone with her and had a great conversation with her! They arrived home around noon and to hear her laughing like she always does as she was brought in (Hospice transported her) was a gift from the Lord! All day was a gift! We basked in the joy!

Again and again we heard about groups that got together last night to pray for her and I know there were many many individual prayers going up. So once again....PRAISE THE LORD and THANK YOU ALL for your prayers!

She was hungry today also, trying to talk me into giving her pizza! Remember she's been on just juice for two weeks so that would have been a shock to her system. At the hospital she ate yogurt and toast. Then at home was juice, wonderful chicken broth (then later the chicken, rice and carrots) that Patricia whipped up for her, and yes I relented to a third of a bean burrito she was craving, with hot sauce! They were organic black beans pureed on a flour tortilla. She didn't know how close I came to giving her a hot fudge sundae! But I didn't want to throw all of our efforts out the window in one day!

Another special event tonight was a group of 20 or so of her friends coming by and singing Christmas carols outside her bedroom window. Sweet aroma of praise....

We are taking one day at a time and thankful for each day we have with her. Only the Lord knows how many that is.

Tomorrow or the next day we will see if she can get up and walk....

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the Power that works in us, to Him be glory..." Ephesians 3:20

Kathy and Lynn

Still Heartbroken

Today I have now recieved an email from Barbara's Mom & Dad. Thought I would share this as well. All of this has got to be devasting. But thankfully they are a family that is able to walk hand in hand with the One who will be bringing Barbara from her earthly home into her Heavenly Home. Please continue to pray.

Dearest Friends and Family

Yesterday morning Barbara was taken to the hospital.She is very lethargic and tries to communicate but cannot. The Doctors ran a CT scan and said that she has some swelling in her brain. They gave her some steroids to try to reduce the swelling but it is only a comfort treatment for her. The game plan for today is for them to remove the IV and Hospice will take over. They will furnish all of the necessities. Hospital bed, IV if need and a 24 hour nurse here at the house. They will transport her here this morning. The outlook is not very good the doctor thinks a couple of days.

Last night when we left she was resting peacefully. She had a headache and they gave her some medication for that. But she is in no pain. As always she looked so beautiful. This is a hard time, but the Lord is Gracious and Merciful. We know you have prayed for us all through these last two years. We could not have gotten through it without your loving support! We mean that from the soul of our hearts! God has provide SO much comfort, strength, blessing and family and friends to walk with us. We ask for wisdom and guidance through all the details of the days ahead. This has been an amazing journey of God's mercy and grace in so many areas we can't begin to list them all.

Lynn and Kathy
PS. May we all dance with the Lord!

Heartbroken

There really are no words....I received this email a few minutes ago from Barbara's mother-in-law. Please be on your knees for this beautiful friend of mine and all who are dear to her in the days to come.

Good Evening,

Barbara is slipping away. She is no longer able to verbally communicate. She was taken to the hospital this morning with a high fever and dehydration. They did a CTscan which showed swelling in the brain. Hospice will begin taking care of her tomorrow when she is released from the hospital. The doctors have said she is in the final stages and it will likely be days until she is set free from the body which became such a prison in the last few months. Mike will spend the night at the hospital tonight. She is the love of his life.

Jim and I plan to drive down tomorrow and spend the weekend there. I would covet your prayers for Mike and the kids, for Barbara's mom and step-dad, Kathy and Lynn. We have all loved Barbara so much. She has been such a blessing in all of our lives. It is almost 23 months since this cancer all began. Beautiful Barbara has fought the good fight valiantly.

Love you all,
Shirley for the Holms

Right Where I'm Supposed to Be

***SLIGHT REVISION or ADD-ON to post below***
(You know, when you're tired is probably not the best time to write...at least for me it isn't. After reading what I said below and being encouraged from another friend in the midst of her own tough trials, I wanted to add a few things....I did so at the end of this post)

ORIGINAL POST:
I was told today that I am wrong to feel alone. That I've hurt people by saying that. I'm sorry. That was not my intention at all in my past posts. I was only trying to be transparent to what is happening within my life, family and heart. I prayed before writing everything I've written. And I will continue to do so. Again, I am sorry if this truth has hurt a few. BUT. Simply put. Only I can know how I feel. And being told that I am wrong to feel lonely....

only makes me feel MORE alone. But that's okay because...

I am thankful that when I feel most alone, the One who is able to comfort my heart like no other reaches out and grabs me close. I'm right where I'm supposed to be...

ADD-ON:
I have the wonderful blessing of reading my dear friend's blog about her journey through motherhood and losing two sweet boys. I say this to let you know how much her words mean every time I read them. Whether 10 paragraphs or 2 sentences...I'm always learning from her and being encouraged about the path I'm walking. She reminded me today that, although, I may be feeling alone....I know I am not. That is such a simple truth. And one I have failed to communicate in all my whining. People, family & friends & even strangers. I know you are here. I do. But my feelings & reality are a mesh of stuff. Just like in your world. When I say I am alone here on this site it is for the purpose of allowing others see the reality of our enemy. He has brought so much crap into my life...let alone all of yours. He is able to do so much damage. And our hearts are his main focus. Feeling lonely can be both: a reality and a mirage all at the same time. But is all comes back to the truth of where we hide our heart or hearts. I choose to place mine where it should be. In my Father's care.

So don't worry. I'm not trying to point fingers. I'm just trying to allow others into the reality of my craziness. Why? Because then I don't feel so alone :) And cause it's free therapy!!! ;P Thanks for loving me enough to stop in here every now and then. I do love & appreciate you all! And thanks Kristy for the reminder that it is okay to feel the way I do & to keep it all in perspective. Love you, girl!

A Kidism from a friend

Conveniently, I have another funny thing to share. But this time I cannot credit my own kids. This one happened today at Torryn's school and is too great not to share. (I do have permission from his mommy to share :0))

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Me: I heard that your mommy is having a baby.

Little Boy: yes, the baby is in my mommy's tummy.

Me: That's right, that's where the baby will grow bigger.

Little Boy: yeah, it's in ice until it's big enough to come out.

Me: Ice?

Little Boy: well sure. It keeps the baby fresh. Didn't you know that? You had lots of babies right? You should know about the ice!!!

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Did you all know about the ice?!!!!!! :)

Update 12/7/08

Hi Everyone,
Just a quick update since I've gotten so many inquirys about my scans....

I haven't heard. Like I said before...no news is good news. My doctor is very particular about making all his phone calls. So if one NEEDED to be made....I have 100% confidence that it would have been made. In the past when things were not 'right'...he always called me within a couple days.

So, I thank you for all the concern....but all is good. I WILL definitely let you know when it is verbally affirmed with him. Unfortunately, I haven't been to chemo for 6 weeks. So I haven't been able to personally see him. Hopefully I will be able to coordinate an appointment & babysitter this week. It's a juggling act and sometimes the ball does get dropped. Please continue to pray for this area. It's always tough for those involved.

Not much else to report. Like most everyone else this Holiday Season, money is tight. So we are trying to focus on the true meaning of what this blessed time means. I encourage you to do the same. The rewards we are granted are far better than any present.

My love to all of you, Shannon

A Kidism by Torryn

Thought I would lighten up the mood a bit with a 'kidism '. You know....things only kids would say or do....Here's one from Torryn today.
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Mommy: You need to obey, Torryn.


Torryn: But Mommy *in his sweetest voice...in the midst of his wild tantrum* if I obey all the time who would you spank and give time-outs too? You know, that's your job.



Mommy: *just a bit stumped on how to go from frustration to stifled laughter to teaching moment within his few words* I think I would be okay if you DID listen.


Torryn: Nooooooo. You'd be bored. So bored.
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Okay, seriously....as much as he IS a handful.....he says these kinds of things ALL the time.

Gotta love me a cute, wild, little 4 year old!!!!!!! :o)

I struggle

to even know what to post anymore.

My pain is so deep within my heart and soul.

I'm lonely.

I'm depressed.

I'm feeling very betrayed.

My children are hurting...terribly.

Why me? Why us?

I get it Lord. It's all about You.

You.

Not of this world. But I have to live in it.

No clue. Nobody has any clue just what one day holds. Even an hour.

I need more transparency.

But I hide.

It's easier.

Self pity? Maybe.

But fully seeing the reality of suffering everywhere.

Friends far away suffering greater than I. Much greater.

Why must we walk these roads?

Lonely.

Nobody notices. Nobody says anything. Nobody is around anymore.

Surviving.

It's just for 'a season'.

It's too long.

I'm tired.

Life is supposed to be more than this.

Or is it?

It's more than just all the crap.

Childish crap that sucks the life out of me.

I finally get it.

Praising Him in this storm.

I still choose to love Him. I still choose to adore Him. I still choose to obey Him. I still choose worship Him. I still choose to tell of Him. I still choose to bow down to Him. I still choose to respect Him. I still choose to share Him. I still choose to be still before Him. I still choose to be a child of Him. I still choose Him.

No matter what.

He IS the Great I AM.

Even in my tears....

these are my thoughts as I struggle to sleep...

Update 12/1/08 & Barbara

Family & Friends

I hope you all had a very thankful Thanksgiving. Can you believe we're already in December?!!!
I have not heard back about my scans...which I'm taking as a good thing. I know if there was something there, my doctor would have called me by now. I go in for a treatment tomorrow and hope to be able to catch him for a little bit.

Things around here have been a little rough. It's the combo of 3 young kids - all with high demand needs, Roy working so many hours (& yes, we are thankful he IS working), me being on my own pretty much all the time, the pain (which is heightened by the cold weather) and everything else that falls on a normal household.

I would appreciate your prayers just for some relief of stress in our normal day to day. It does break my heart that times are so hard on the kids. I do know how resilient they are but things really are extreme and they do have a lot to deal with. I would also like to ask for prayers for my mom. Things have been a little tricky as far as her being able to come. We are hoping things can smooth out for her cause I know how much she loves being with the grandkids :o)

The following is an email I got last night from both, Barbara & her mother-in-law, Shirley.

Dear Friends and Family,
This will be quick. I'm finished with radiation. I still can't walk, talk, and can barely see. I can still talk, but it's very quiet and difficult. I'll have an MRI in three weeks to check the status of the tumors.

I start an intense 30-day alternative detox treatment on Tuesday. This consists of herbs/hydro treatments and ONLY juice for the next month. Please pray that my mom can keep up with juicing all the vegetables, making the teas and administering the herbs and pray that I can tolerate everything. As I said, this program sounds very intense.

Thanks to the Mom's in Touch and the ladies at Calvary Chapel Hidden Valley, and other friends who have been in our home helping with the kids and cleaning and driving, etc.

I've been sad the past few days. It's been 6 weeks since I've been able to walk by myself. My faith is still strong, but it hurts that I can't do anything. I wish I could cook, clean, pick up my kids. I'd give anything to do those right now.

Thank you for your prayers. Barbara
****************************************************
P.S. from Shirley:

Our family was together in San Diego for Thanksgiving and it's so sad to see Barbara in this condition. She is trapped in her body. Please pray for Barbara's mom, Kathy, as she returns tomorrow to San Diego. Even with all the friends who pitch in, taking care of 3 active kids and Barbara is a very large job. The Detox program looks to be very labor intensive also. The whole scene seems pretty overwhelming right now. Thanks for your love, concern and prayerful support. We cherish it so much.

I cannot even put into words my feelings after hearing how she is doing. I know some of you have come to love her and her precious family. Please continue to pray for all of them.

As always, you mean the world to me. So many of you have taken an active roll in encouraging me so much. There are days I come to this site just to read your words. So needless to say, I am always very thankful for each of you.

Have a wonderful start to this Christmas Season.
love, Shannon

My Eliphaz, Bildad & Zophar

I turned to Roy and quietly but matter a fact stating, "I need them."

He got up and walked out to make the call.

Within the following 24 hours they stopped their own worlds for mine. Finding alternatives for their own children; leaving there commitments, husbands, homes; driving hundreds of miles and arriving with a Starbucks in hand....they came just to be with me. (While 1 had to remain in England, somehow, she was still here with us. She, somehow, through His grace was very much a part of our time together.)

My Girls. There really are no words to describe the friendships that exist within the four of us. It all began about 20 years ago in college. When I reflect on what Biola did for me. They are at the top of my list. Sometimes we talk many times a day. Other times it can be months. You'd even think that there would be jealousy somewhere in the mix. Nope. God has seen fit to protect us from trivial things like that. We are all so different, from different walks of life. But yet, we are so much alike. With them, I am funny...even when no one else thinks so. And they always crack me up! We 'get' one another.

When I heard that the cancer was throughout my body. In that very moment of trying to find my breathe....just thinking of them brought a sense of calmness to my soul. God has used these 3 women over and over again in my life. I could have never imagined what they were actually willing to do over the next couple of years. It immediately became the 'joke' that it was all about me. Well, they truly have made it all about me. When I really ponder all of it...them, me, our relationships.....I know I would absolutely, with a doubt, do the same for them. BUT, still, I am so unworthy. I've heard it said that if you have one good friend than you are lucky. WELL....I have four of the best and I. AM. BLESSED!!!

Just recently a friend wrote about the following verses. It's funny how along this journey I have had many compare me to a modern day Job. And here is this part that I have never read...or maybe just never noticed before. But when I read it the other night I was just instantly stopped in my tracks. Job had 3 friends. They stopped their worlds for him. They came to him just to be with him. Just as My Girls do for me.

"When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." ~ Job 2:11-13

To My Girls,
You are a part of me. We are a part of each other. The distance doesn't matter. Although, we would rather be together. ;) Your sacrifices on my behalf over these past couple years mean so much. Sometimes I just need to think of you to be reassured of His love for me. I do have so much to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. But it is you 3 that stand at the forefront of my heart tonight. My world is tough right now and full of loneliness. I am so glad you are only a phone call away. Because just chatting with anyone of you makes it bearable to keep fighting the fight. I am so undeserving, but forever grateful that you are a part of my life. Thank you for being willing to come and just sit with me. You are my Eliphaz, Bildad & Zophar. (How's that for some names....you can fight it out for who's who. :)) I Love You!!!

He's Allowed it ALL

I know what I want to express tonight, but I'm cautious to do it. For one, I seem to be bringing a lot of 'downer' feelings to the table lately. Which leads me to number two: I think I have finally pin pointed where this funk has originated from. Yeah, I've been in a funk. :)

In the past week or two a lot has happened. Actually, some of it started months ago, but has just come to a head, so to speak, recently. There are 3 main people who have continuously walked this road with me. I mean, physically. But in the past little bit, things have changed. For 2, it is by choice. Unaware, but by choice in the long run. For the other, circumstances out of their control. But none of that is the problem. I'm lonely. I've said from the beginning of all of this that anyone has the choice to walk away from all this. There is not one person who does not have that option. And it's finally happened. The ones closest, have walked. And they don't even realize it. Does it hurt? Well, of course. But just because I'm on my own now. I totally get that others have to live their own lives. And that nothing was done intentionally. There is no resentment on my part. But understanding this does not take these ever present feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness is a horrible feeling. And for me, it brings me back into the reality of depression. Yes, depression. You see, just about 4 years ago depression entered my life in the form of Post Pardum. I felt and saw things through a depressed woman's view. This depression should have left. But the turn of events in my life has just given it the chance to linger. So through all the incredible miracles, wonderful people and acts of service, beautiful compliments...I have been within myself battling depression. I know I put on a great 'front' to what is actually happening within. Which is one of the main things God, as well as some who are close to me, has challenged me on. Bringing it all to the table has been a inward battle. I DO pride myself on being able to 'do well' in the eyes of others. Now, not so much. I am finding it of much more importance to tell it like it is. Being 'real' allows others to feel the freedom to do so too. But, by far, this is the hardest time of my life. I am carrying way too much and feeling lost in it all. I seriously am just trying to survive each moment at a time. Trying to figure out what God wants in the midst of it makes me feel like I have blinders on a lot of the time. Waving my hands out, grasping for a little touch of His sleeve. Lost, lonely, depressed and cancer stricken. That's me. In a very deep, dark pit of despair.

Cancer sucks, depression sucks & loneliness sucks. Ultimately just one of these things could bring a person down crumbling to a place of no return. But as I head towards Thanksgiving this week, I've been challenged to be thankful in and for all things. Honestly, I feel I've done pretty well as far as being thankful in my circumstances. But to be thankful for is another story. Yeah, I've actually been able to say I am thankful for the cancer, depression & loneliness within my journaling and while talking to people. But I've realized that I have never said 'Thank You' to the One who has allowed these things into my life. Why is that? Maybe because once I do that, then I am in someway giving permission for it to continue. (Like GOD needs MY permission, huh?!!!) While, deep down, I wish all three were not a part of my life and that they would just disappear.

I don't think for one minute that God brought these things to me. Wanting me to suffer and go through hard times. No, He is a loving God that has given the people of this world free choice. Thus, where the sin, disease and yuck fall in. So did He bring all this my way? No. But He has for His own reasons allowed them to take place. I have had two choices here....to resent Him for this or to accept His infinite wisdom and grow through it all. I've chosen the later. But saying 'Thank You'?!!?

I'm lonely. Which in turn has brought me to this place of utter dependence on my ultimate Friend. The One who is not only willing to hold my hand through it all, but is carrying me during times that I'm too tired to take another step forward. So if being this lonely has brought me to this place....then I AM thankful. I am thankful for it all. To live my life leaning solely on the One who loves me most is the goal I have been reaching towards. I have so much farther to go. My words, often times, speak so eloquently. While my heart is in war. But if cancer, depression, loneliness & whatever else comes my way are steps closer to understanding Him more....than I am thankful for it all. The resentment will come and go, I'm sure. I'm human and imperfect. But for now, in this moment, I'm choosing to say "Thank You"....

Father, up until now I have had no words. Only resentment for the things brought into my life. Although, I aimed my feelings towards the enemy, I realize now that I was not acknowledging where the 'choice' for these things to be apart of my life came from . Ultimately, You have the final say. So, in the end, my resentment was unconsciously directed at You. Please forgive me. Since realizing this, I've struggled with being able to say 'Thank You' to You for these things in my life that I would rather not be a part of. But here I am, loving you deeper because of them. Why me? I don't fully understand why you love me so deeply as to continually pull me closer. But I am thankful. And I say Thank You for the cancer. For the depression. For the loneliness. For everything that You've allowed. I don't necessarily like it all. But they have been stepping stones towards You. So Thank You for each and everything.

Update 11/20/08

So tomorrow is 'scan day'. I am so excited to wake up and have a yummy breakfast of Barium....NOT! :)

All joking aside, I go in at 9:30 to have two CAT Scans. They should only take about 1-1 1/2 hrs. And if you remember from before....I DO actually sleep. The techs can't believe it, but I do. So I am looking forward to that part of it. Not too sure when I get my results. But my doctor is so good about calling that I'm not going to stress over that tiny detail.

Really the only anxiety I have is for the darn drink. For anyone who has had the privilege of consuming it knows what I'm talking about. I have to drink a HUGE amount in a short time lot. And to make it all worthwhile....it's really not that yummy. Kinda like flavored liquid chalk. But at least they've stepped it up a bit and I have two flavors...banana & mixed berry.

Please pray for a smooth morning and for those scans to be NED (no evidence of disease)...in other words...CLEAR!!!

Thanks to all of you for your continued love and support. I couldn't do all this without you.
love, Shannon

I AM Thankful for the Aftermath

Yeah, I am forever grateful for being here. Some people don't even have a clue. Rather, most people. Because we fail to really talk. But if I had the opportunity to share with each and every person along my path...Wow! It would be enough to turn some hearts. But our society closes themselves off to the 'uncomfortable' in the area of feelings. It's sad, really. Because what God has done just in my life alone should be enough to stop anyone in their tracks. Let alone what is evident just by looking around at our world of beauty. I know, I know....there is so much 'ugly' in our world today. And that's exactly what my heart is having a hard time getting past in these present days of mine.

As you & I both know...cancer sucks! Big time. But what most people look past is the aftermath that this horrid disease leaves behind. Again, I don't need to be reminded of my insurmountable blessings. I think, ponder, pray and talk with God about them nonstop. Sometimes the weight of what I have been given does actually weigh me down. What is so special about me that He would see fit to bless me in such a HUGE way? So, no, I don't take any of it for granted, not one little bit.

But the aftermath is just as unbearable, if not more, that walking the actual road of knowing the cancer is present within. But the flip side of it is the faith I have been allowed to grow. If not for the weight of uncertainty, I would not be grasping for His hand each and every step.

But the aftermath is very, very lonely. People tend to fade away. Going back to their own lives. Picking up where they dropped everything on your behalf. But it's lonely trying to figure out just how I am supposed to pick up. Because when this started is when I left the world I lived in behind. No one else has had to do this. (don't worry, I do know there are many who have it much worse than I do....I'm just saying...most go back to there lives as they knew before.) I will never have the chance to 'go back'.

The aftermath is killing me inside. How to explain to people that I am slowly dieing in the physical, emotional and mental sense....but am loving my Father like never before?! While the rest of me is fading slowly, my soul is flourishing.

So today as I read,

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:18

I was reminded to be thankful for the aftermath. All of it.

Every heartache.

Every physically pain staking day.

Every lonely time.

Every tantrum...my kids AND my own. :)

Every bill.

Every trek out in the cold.

Every relationship...the one's that are holding strong AND the one's that have faded away.

Every hurtful comment.

Every misconception.

Every judgement against me.

Every late night.

Every disappointment.

Every scare.

Everything.

I am called to be thankful for it all. And as hard as it is, I say thank you to my God for it all.

Because, I do, belong to Christ Jesus.

Just Now

I try so hard to have the good outweigh the bad. I want to be positive more than negative. It's important to focus on what I am blessed with rather than what, you know, is the opposite of blessed....stress, just simply crap that the enemy throws my way. Yeah, I know I used the word 'crap', sorry. I'm really trying to wean myself of it. But let me point out 2 things here. 1: That word really doesn't do what Satan brings on any justice. Seriously! and 2: Swearing is not a habit I struggle with most often. But there are a few words that I do feel I should 'watch my tongue' with. And the 'c' word happens to be one of them. Oh, but don't you worry. I have the best 'officers' on the job to make me take notice if I go astray. They might be pint size, but they get the job done quite swiftly. :)

Okay, that was a serious tangent. So back to the point I was getting at...

Good/Bad. Positive/Negative

Staying the course that God has called me to do is, by far, mind boggling to me each and everyday. Why me????!!!!?? I ask this each. and. EVERY. DAY! Although, I don't know why I do. This IS my journey. I am a part of His Story. So instead I am realizing more and more and more...that it is more the question of , "Why NOT me?"

But I struggle.

Waking up each day knowing that things have not changed. For the most part (minus the blessings of being here with my family complete and intact) they have gotten worse, harder. I truthfully hate, detest what this disease has done to change my life in the negative aspect. It's with bitterness that I even let the word, 'cancer' flow from my lips. It's really as if I can taste it. And it's rancid.

But.

If I only focus on these things then where would I be. I, truthfully and fully believe, that I would not be here. I must put all my focus on the One who has chosen for me to remain. I MUST! It is through His saving grace that I sit here pouring out my thought that others take the time to read. In my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be putting some of my innermost feelings 'out there' for the world to see. But it's Him. His Story. All along it has been about Him.

So, I was drained and in tears as I sat down to type a while ago....but once again, He shows up. Reminding me what it is supposed to be all about. I had it in my head to pour out my tears onto my keyboard. Crying out to anyone who would listen to my sorrow for the life I have been asked to walk. Letting all that cared know that I am at the end of my rope. I was fearing that I could not hold on much longer. But He has gently, ever so gently, reminded me that it's at the end of the rope where He can grab a hold me and pull me into His protective embrace.

And He has done just that.

Just now.

He pulled me close so I could once again hear His heartbeat.

So I will wake up tomorrow to face the day. I WILL choose the good. The positive.

I will choose Him.

Choose Wisely

This journey has brought some unbelievable comforting friendships along the way. A few of these have come in the form of lovely grieving woman who have lost a child....most in the past year or two. Through their sharing, I am learning. Grief is a gripping thing to go through. It does not go away. It, sometimes, get tougher before it gets livable. My heart is daily very heavy for these precious women. Our journey's are totally different in the respect that their sweet little ones are now on the lap of Jesus. And these are families I take to my Father everyday. I don't completely understand why God has saw fit to place us along one another paths...but I do love and cherish knowing each one of them. And I feel it such a privilege to be allowed into their grieving hearts.

When talking with them, reading their thoughts & reflecting on everything, I find that we do have some common denominators. We all feel that time seems to change awareness. What I mean by this is that as time goes on, people tend to think everything is getting better. Now, I by no means, would ever compare what I'm going through with the grief of losing a child. Ever. But I have pondered how in our society it pretty much doesn't matter what someone is going through, we tend to let 'time heal' rather than be a part of the healing. Yeah, many get involved with the 'trial' is at it's peak. But as time goes by.....most of us tend to go bye-bye.

Sad, isn't it? At least I think so. I'm really hurting over the fact that I had so many reaching out in the beginning and now I struggle to feel an outreached hand maybe once every couple of days. And seriously, these grieving friends that I mentioned, truly do mean so much to me.....so when I think of how I am 'grieving' the absence of support....I can't even imagine how their hearts are hurting over grieving through the ultimate grief as support slips away.

So what do you do? What do I do? WHAT do any of us do?

I don't know. You tell me. I'm just struggling to survive my day to day with the desire to do so much more for those who are hurting around me. I keep thinking that we all have the same 24 hours in a day. Maybe we just need to refresh how we're spending it. Not filling up our days with too much 'junk'. Rather, we need to prioritize and plan. I may only be able to find an extra 15 minutes...but it's what I do with that time that's, maybe, the most important 15 minutes of a friends day. Kinda like a 'pay it forward' sort of thing. Friend helping friend. Hand in hand.

So I plan to choose wisely.

In both.

Time

&

Friends.

Keeping Quiet is Hard to Do

Some days I've just had enough. Enough of the petty. People just going through the motions and having junk flow out of their mouths. More importantly, I hate being one doing the same even though my journey has privileged me to know better.

Recently, there have been some very hurtful things said to & about me. Others criticizing how we are 'living' and the choices we are making. I'm so tired of the petty stuff. Sadly, most people don't even know what has come out of their mouths. They are completely unaware of my hurt. But it stings. When others are throwing insult to injury in my world....I just retreat within. Especially when these come from those who are closest. When this happens I question where to go with my heart. I become more cautious of opening up.

"Your life is too overwhelming for me."
"It's just an inconvenience to help out."
"Put cancer in the past and stop dwelling."
"It's not like someone died."
"Why do you dwell on all the pain?"
"You should just be thankful that you're here."
"It really isn't as hard as you say it is."
"You're not the only one with problems, you know."
"You should make God your focus rather than yourself."

and, finally, let's not forget things that fit into this category.....

People thinking, aloud, that they know what's best (without all the facts or living it). People passing judgement (without all the facts or living it). People being hurtful (all the while knowing enough facts but still not living it). People making decisions for us (without all the facts or living it). **I think you get my drift**

So what would you reply to all these? Yeah, me....retreating seemed better than anything I came up with. God truly would not be glorified by any thought that first popped into my head. Because I know myself pretty well. When I allow myself to speak without thinking and pondering....I can spew some hurtful trash to those I love. And you know that old saying, "sticks & stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me."? Well, that's bologna!!! Anyone who has had hurtful words said to them know that kind of pain is the worst of all. It's the type that cuts deep into our soul. It takes time to heal this type of wound. We're talking an open gash that can only be taken care of by His soothing balm. For without it, we are unable to truly forgive....those who hurt us & ourselves when changes need to be made.

Within the past four months I have had such hurtful things said to me....by people who care and love me. But I'm tired. Tired of walking away, holding my tongue and having to spend precious time having to sort it all out. I'm worn out. Tired of trying to come up with the 'right' responses. I know that most of it was not meant to hurt me or that the person/s don't even have a clue what they said. Or more importantly, how it was received. But I'm called to live a live of honor, regardless.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." -Romans 12:10


Now like you & the rest of man kind, I value being right. And in my everyday life of such trials, it's so easy to think that I have the right to be right. In doing so, I tend to let the 'honor' part of this verse to get lost. Thus making it really hard to show others honor when I'm always trying to prove that I'm right all the time. For me, it basically comes down to keeping my mouth shut. Those of you who know me, know that I love to talk. So to actually follow through on the act of keeping both lips together....so, so, SO HARD! It really is an act of humility to be able to just walk away without saying anything. But I find that when I do...it becomes about Him and what He would have me learn from that particular conversation. Sometimes I simply am asked to think first and then approach in a loving fashion. But other times...I'm asked to just suck it up and let it go. Not easy for me...but an area, that when I follow His leading, I am able to know that I am living my life with honor.

So why share all this now. Do I want some sympathy....well, yeah, maybe a little :) No, but really, it's more about me and the lessons I've been learning lately. I tell my kids all the time that they can't let what others do or say determine what they, themselves, do or say. In other words, be your own person and make decisions that are truly acceptable to God. When others hurt me I need to put that lesson into play. Yes, I'm tired and weary of it all. But when I feel beat down by criticism....I need to be my own person. The person that God is proud of. Reminding myself that walking away is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Here's another old saying, "If you have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all." Well, the nicest thing I can say about all that has come out of this is that I feel closer to my Savior, my Confidant. He is the One true friend. I am so thankful that when I feel the world is against me....that He is always for me. It is so special to feel carried when I have no strength to walk. It ultimately doesn't matter what others think. What matters is that I work to be in the center of His will and no one else's. Only then can I live this life in a way that honor's Him rather than myself.

Now, if only I can keep my mouth shut....

Visiting with Barbara

was, by far, one of the sweetest times in my life.

There wasn't anything extra special about what we did. Just talk. We got to ask questions and get to know one another. It was a surreal moment for me. Maybe for her too. You see, we have been in contact for almost 2 years. Pretty much right after we were both diagnosed...we were introduced. But this was different. She wasn't just a cyberspace friend anymore. She was real. All of it was real. This horrible, horrible disease was/is real. And it is the reason for our friendship. Oh, I do hate cancer. But without it I would never have had the chance for a unique and special friendship with an amazing woman.

Barbara is sick right now. The enemy is trying his darnedest to get the best of her. Thankfully, she holds tight to the true and mighty God. As she goes through radiation everyday, it has to be so wearisome. But yet she smiles. Taking chemo orally from home is something I never had to do. Opening the bottle and placing that pill in her mouth...willing herself to get better each time. And she smiles. Discussing the options that are on the table. Tumors shrinking is the options of choice. While knowing that new growth is a possibility. Yet, still she smiles. I stand in awe of the stamina she has put forth fighting this battle. As I walked into her home to find her looking the part of a sick person. Her hair is short and has grown back sort with some patch work. You can tell her vision is out of sorts. And it is apparent that she has limited use of her right side. But yet.....she smiled.

She is a special lady that the enemy sees fit to attack. He, too, knows the power she holds in her heart. A God bigger than it all. He is bigger than the disease that is attacking her body. He is bigger than the side effects that threaten her spirit. He is bigger than the details that need to fall into place. He is bigger than her doubts, my doubts and yours. He is bigger than the uncertainties that loom overhead when decisions need to be made within a situation that seems hopeless. He is bigger. He is hope. He is.

Needless to say, I was so happy to be able to sit and visit with someone I feel such a kindred spirit with along this journey. At this time in her life, I only wish I could offer her more than I can. If only we lived closer I could help out with the many needs that are so visible within their situation. But I don't. When driving away I felt a frustration about the whole situation. I asked God...why her? Why not me? The answer I got and continue to receive is, "Because".

Because you are different from one another. Everything about you and all that surrounds you is different. Because my plan is perfect for each of you. Because I need your journeys to be different to fit together within my story.

I know what this disease is capable of. It's horrid and ruthless. But I, like Barbara, choose to believe and hope that she will be alive on the other side of this. For our God is a God in the business of miracles. Amazing miracles. Healing miracles. I wait anxiously to see His mighty hand do an incredible thing within Barbara's life.

For now, I pray, and live thankfully for a sweet time with a dear friend.

Update 11/7/08 & Barbara

Hello All,

Let me start by apologizing for taking way too long to update about my trip this past weekend. I have had so many asking. And I just hung up with the last call that I am going to take on this subject :) I get the hint. Honest, though, I haven't been procratinating. It's been a busy week.

What a pleasure it was to meet Barbara face to face. We were able to spend a few hours just talking, asking questions and getting to know one another. Her family was as beautiful as their pictures. Little blonde kiddos that look just like mommy & daddy. The youngest, Joshua, is a month younger than Takai. And from the start I could see similarities even with these two.
Joshua had a smile on his face almost the whole time I was there. The light in his eyes was definitely work of a mighty God. When I think of all Barbara & I have gone through....we were blessed in the very beginning with beautifully, sweet spirited babys to hold close to our hearts.

Barbara is still in the middle of her treatments. She explained that she is taking chemo orally from home and doing the radiation for 5 weeks. Another set of scans will soon follow. Our prayer in all this is that there will be shrinkage of the tumors.

She has expressed some boredom. Because she is limited on her movement & sight, she spends a great deal of her day just sitting. Kinda at the mercy of others :). Please pray that God will use this time to heal her body as she is being so faithful in her fight.

Barbara continues to have faith that she will be alive on the other end of this. It's easy when you're looking into this type of situation to see a very sick person. Well, she is. But that means nothing to a God who can heal. So I stand affirmed even more after this visit, that He will continue to hold her close to His very heartbeat. Cancer does Suck! But, we are fortunate to feel His pressence in a way unlike before this became our journey.

I have been reflecting this week on how awesome the experience of knowing Barbara has been. And there is just something special about meeting face to face. Our friendship seems that much more 'real'. I AM blessed!

Please continue to pray for Barbara and her family.

(There is not a whole lot of change on my end...I will update when there is more. Barbara is of more importance today. Thanks for your continual support.)
love, Shannon

This Day is Significant = Judson

One year ago today, sweet Judson Levasheff drew his last breathe while being cradled in his parents arms. Many of you remember the impact this little guy has had on thousands upon thousands of hearts. Mine being one. As I walked a very trying path last year, it was a little 2 year old who aided in cementing my faith to the cross in a way I had always dreamed. There has not been a day gone by that I have not thought of Jud. And if this is the case....than I can't even come close to imagining what a day is like for his parents & family. Please take time today to visit the site they have created in his honor. Encourage them if you feel led. But most importantly, please be in prayer for them. The reflection of what today signifies must be unbearable.

www.storyofjudson.com
www.caringbridge.org/visit/judson

Truth

Went to my doctor's appointment. We talked. I shared. I questioned. He answered.

"If you keep doing what you're doing....your speeding up any negative responses your body is having due to the consequences of the cancer."

In simpler terms....your hurting yourself.

In blunt terms...your killing yourself that much quicker.

I think Roy is having a harder time swallowing this one than me....as the 'man of the household' he feels the weight of responsibility. Please pray for him.

Pray for our hearts as decisions seems to be bound by circumstances out of our control.

Update 10/31/08

This week has been better than last in most areas. Thank you for all the encouragement and prayers. I appreciate them so much.

I got to see my doctor this week during treatment. Because of the many side effects I am having TO the medications for my other side effects :)...we are changing a few of them. It will probably be a juggling act for awhile. Frustration does seem to be at the forefront of my emotions in this area a lot of the time. Only because I so wish I could be a mommy to my kids as close to 100% as possible. Most of the time I know they are being short changed a great deal of so much. But don't you worry, I do try and balance these feelings with the knowing that I AM here and that in and of itself is HUGE for my kids...and me! :)

Most likely, I am looking at having surgery soon. My mom and I are trying to coordinate everything. Along with the fact that my doctor's assistant is working so hard to accommodate all of our 'timetable issues'...it should be Nov/Dec sometime.

There have been so many that are shocked that I am still in treatment. So I do want to clarify, that my maintenance originally was to be 5 years (give or take depending on scans, etc.) Because my case has 'stumped' some of the medical 'predictions'.....my maintenance will continue pending what shows on scans. It could continue for up to the 5 year mark. So, yes, for those who asked....I am a cancer patient still and I do get it through IV every 3 weeks. BUT lets not forget that I AM a survivor and more importantly...I am a here because of a healing MIRACLE.
Sobering, huh?!!!

I am excited that tomorrow at this time I will probably be in Barbara's company. I do know that her walking and vision are still issues. I have not heard anything else. I will send out an update soon after I get back. Until then, please continue to hold her up in prayer. It truly does mean so much.

Please continue to know how much you all mean. This is a road that can be extemely lonely. And it seems I'm on one of those paths right now. I know there are many who are in my corner. But when you are in the midst of something looking out at others who are, seemingly, not...well, let's just say I could say a mouthfull on this subject. But I will just stop there and again thank you for all your support and encourage you to look around at the people in your life that might need some lovin'. :)

Have a safe night tonight and a wonderful weekend
love, Shannon

Are You Ready?

People want honesty. But do they really want me to just 'tell it like it is'? I'm struggling to find the balance in this area. I like it when things are just going along smoothly...well, as smoothly as possible. :) I'm being pushed by a few that know a lot 'more' than others. "Everyone wants the whole story, not just parts that you think are good enough." "People want to know how to pray." "Help others see that you are still in the midst of the battle...just at a different level."

All three of these things have been said to me just this week. Not to mention everything else that has been said. So I am stretched. And definitely out of my comfort zone as far as transparency is concerned. Funny thing is, I thought I WAS being transparent. But now I see that I was 'picking and choosing'. I have been only allowing others to see exactly what I wanted. Painting a certain picture. My intentions have been good. But I have held back. There are things that could upset some. More importantly, there are things that would make me have to deal with embarrassment. Well....I'm over that.

First, let me say that everything I have ever said is truly how I feel/felt. Whether it just be for that moment, or far beyond it. And even if I 'failed' to completely give ALL the details...all was true. Just sifted through a bit. But would I allow my children to 'sift' through details and get away with it?!!! No way. I would turn that lesson into how wrong it is to lie. So as I reflect on this, it becomes really, very simple. I must tell the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth.......don't ya think?!!!!!


So as I venture into even more uncertain territory of allowing others see me thru and thru, be gentle in your perception of my reality. Please. Be cautious to form false opinions of what you may perceive me, my life and this situation to be. Please. Be able to sort through all that I may present and try to relate it to someone/s in your immediate life that you may be able to bless. Please. Take a breathe. Say a prayer. And read with an open heart to the reality that more people than we care to admit are hiding behind a smile and 'life is good' attitude just to be able to make it through the day....and to please.


My journey with cancer is enough. But there is more. A child with Diabetes, extreme financial hardship, relationships that are torn apart by self righteousness, a special needs child, marital issues, depression, physical pain that tops the charts are just a few of the issues that I will be opening up to my 'audience' about. Some I have already shared. Some will come as surprises to most. And even some will be news to everyone.

I am being stretched that's for sure. So I caution you that the 'tone' of what I will be writing about, may be more than you care to take in. That's okay. I understand if you need to bow out because this is more than you bargained for. Truly, truly I do. I've have to pretty much bow out of everything surrounding me just to be able to actually 'live' in the moments I've been granted with my family. And if you decide to stay and partake of what God lays on my heart to share in the upcoming days....then I am so blessed by your company. Thank you all no matter your choosing. Whether you go or stay...you are forever a blessing for being a part of my life. I am humbled everyday by the interest and love so many have for me.

Update 10/26/08

My week started out really yucky. Physically, mentally and emotionally. When I'm in those moments it's so much easier to allow myself to be encompassed by self pity. Thankfully though...I have so many praying for me. Please know how much those prayers are welcomed, not taken for granted and needed. Yes, I am a Cancer Survivor. BUT it is still very much a part of my everyday living and will forever be. In those moments that I feel like I’m being swallowed by the enormous weight that surrounds me, I am so ever thankful for each AND EVERYONE of you. It takes time out of your day to come here, read, encourage and pray. It is still, daily, such an awesome testimony of His provision for me. Thank you will never seem enough for the care you have for me.

As far as medically….please continue to pray for the balance needed between medication, pain and just being a mommy. It seems as if I am in a never ending battle of trying to figure it all out. One seems to always contradict another. Also, it looks like I will be having my 1st surgery (final reconstruction) at the beginning of December. We are trying to work out the details of dates, my mom being able to come and taking care of the holidays for the kids. If all goes as planned…I’ll let you know of the dates. Also, I am due for more scans next month. Until then, there are always nerves. I know that is normal. But I don’t want nerves to turn into anxiety. That’s where, for me, I allow peace to escape. Which is quite the opposite of what I desire.

SIDE NOTE: I’ve had a few calls and emails asking about Roy’s picnic. Well, no truck. He won a gift card to Best Buy. So no complaints. But the prayers for another vehicle are still appreciated. As the weather gets colder, the need gets bigger.

There have been so many asking about Barbara. This is an email her mom sent out on Thursday…

I've been at Barbara's since last Friday. When we arrived she had headaches and nausea. That night she started on a steroid which reduces inflammation so it must be helping as the headaches are gone. She also started a new chemo drug and has a tiny bit of nausea but not bad. Her eyes don't focus together too well and that causes her vision to be jumpy. To look at her eyes now they seem to be coming together again but she says the vision isn't much better. She gets around very slowly with a walker but if we are in a hurry we walk behind her with our arms around and she can keep up pretty good that way. Her attitude is still amazing and she's laughing at her inabilities! The radiation treatments are daily for 5 weeks. The symptoms could get worse before they get better and the radiation keeps on working a few weeks after the treatment is done so the improvements may not happen for awhile. So keep praying for God's healing! She is praising the Lord that she's not in pain! Seeing her this way breaks my heart but she is still the encourager and says she plans on being alive on the other side of this! A true fighter!
Kathy

I know I speak on behalf of Barbara when I say how much it means to have all of you praying. To know perfect strangers are loving you from afar is an incredible lift to the soul. This next weekend I hope to make a quick trip out to finally meet her face to face. Needless to say I am a bit excited. She is so special and I can’t wait to make some memories with her and her family. I will let you know how she is doing as the days go by.

You are all wonderful. Many of you are in the midst of your own trials and tribulations. I hope this gives you the comfort it gives me. For this has been a week where I have had no strength…but yet, today, I feel strong.

“He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” -Isaiah 40:29-31

Matthew 11:23

"Come to me - Shannon, come close. Be in my presence.

all you who are weary - You are exhausted, beyond tired.

and burdened - The weight you carry is more than a fair load. I know this.

and I - Me, the great I AM, your Father, Savior, Breathe of Life, Jehovah, your friend, lover of your soul

will give you rest." - I will give you what you need. I. will. provide.

-Matthew 11:23

I'm not crazy

...at least not in the way you think. :)

Yes, we did get a new dog. A sweet little black & white puppy who is the center of our kids affection right now. Her name is Serra. For those who care, she is a beagle/bichon mix. She definitely inherited the beagle howl. :0) We hear it every time we leave without her.

So pretty much everyone has said I was crazy to undertake this new adventure during this time in my life. Obviously I went against everyone's advice. I guess you can't say I'm a follower.;)This was important for me. I have always wanted a small dog for the kids. Those of you who know us, already know that our other 2 dogs are quite large. They are wonderful...but just too big to sleep with.:) Also, we have always told Tala that when we moved we would get this dog...well moving just isn't in the cards anytime soon. Our neighbors had a little of 9 and I was drawn in. But I DID step away from the cuteness for over a month. I just took time to think it all through. And it came down to this...

I didn't want to have any regrets. I know if my time was cut short sooner than I would hope, I would regret not doing it now. So one night I walked across the street and surprised my kids by bringing her home. She's already proving to be a great dog. She sleeps great...and quietly all night long. Potty training is a work in progress, but even this is going well. The perfect little dog was waiting for us, she was free, my kids already loved her (duh!!!) and we are a dog family.

Those of you who still think I'm crazy....that's okay. I still love you and I'll let my puppy give you kisses anyway :)

All of Me

There are times that I am beyond prayer. I want to. But the words escape me. In the midst of my ever exhausting life, the enemy tries to take even this.

How thankful I am that my sweet Savior is willing to listen to my heartstrings through the words of others. I do borrow. And often it is in the way of song. It's then that He allows my absence of words to pray to be turned into the praise that He so fully deserves. I am so thankful that when I stumble for the words to say to my Father, that I am able to borrow ones that enable me to give Him the adoration that is due Him.



(Don't forget to scroll down and mute my play list before watching.)

Barbara

My friend Barbara and I are connected. We have so much in common. And the majority is in relation to Breast Cancer. We were both pregnant when diagnosed. Our journey's began within a month of each other. We have never actually met face to face. Friends of mine were neighbors with her in-laws years ago. And through the technology of the internet....we were connected. And a beautiful and unique friendship has been an encouragement to me on so many levels.

It seems like she keeps getting hit over and over again by the enemy. She is so special. No wonder. But the same God who is holding me is holding her. I do get discouraged every time I hear more 'bad news' has fallen on her. I cry. I feel physically ill. I hate this disease on a personal level. And where Barbara's concerned...it's personal. I feel helpless. What is there for me to do to help her. I think of everything that others have done and continue to do for me/us. Not one thing ever goes unnoticed. Everything means something. Truthfully though, it's the encouragement and the love & prayers that absolutely mean the world. So this is what I shall do.

One day I hope to meet her face to face. I desire to be able to 'just be' with her. My connection to her is one I have with no one else. She understands all the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual that goes hand in hand with this journey. Not many words are needed to 'explain' an experience or feeling. I am blessed that I have her to share this all with. And the funny thing is, our communication has not been a tremendous amount....it doesn't have to be. I know she's here. She knows the same.

So why so much about her? Well the tumors have grown. They've multiplied. She has peace. I understand this from the position of someone who has been given this same type of peace. God graciously blesses us with it. BUT, my human, weak heart is hurting. Where is my peace right now? She is blessing me with just being her. Is this what I have done for others? It's all kind of surreal. I feel 'removed' from myself and 'all' people have said/felt about me. But I'm beginning to understand a little more....1-it truly is a God thing. Only He can make us this strong and at peace in situations like thus. and 2-People DO feel drawn to people who have thus peace...even those who claim no believe. I feel drawn to Barbara. I think and pray for her throughout my days. Why does she come to mind so often? Is it the cancer? Is it the 'bad news' she just got? Yes to both. But more so, it's the peace. It radiates even though it's been days since I spoke to her.

Walking the road of cancer truly does suck. I know it has to for her too. So I ask that you pray for Barbara. Please pray that God will continue to work in her. Giving her the peace that only comes from Him. Her days are different than normal. She has to have others helping her. Please pray that He continues to supply all the help she needs. Please pray for healing. That, although medically it may look 'bad', she will continue to rely on the fact that our God is bigger than all of it. And more capable than any doctor, medication or treatment. Please be praying as she starts a new radiation regimen. That it will 'do the trick' as far as the tumors are concerned. And that she will have minimal to no side effects. And please pray for her heart. Simply that He will consume every corner of it. That the enemy will have no say in what goes on there.

Barbara, I love you girl! As I talked with you the other day I realized something...you are one of few that holds the title 'hero' in my life. I am so grateful for our friendship. It's precious in a very special sort of way. I'm so glad that we have gotten to walk this journey at the same time. It's made it less lonely. :) One day we will actually get to sit and just enjoy getting to know one another outside our cancer 'selves'. I can't wait.

Update 10/15/08

Please scroll down to see update for my friend, Barbara

Hi Everyone,
So many have inquired how I was doing this past week...thought I would update.

My car is fixed. Thank you so much for your prays and concern. Thankfully, our mechanic knows the excitement that goes with our family too. So we had it done by noon the next day. As always, the $ end of it stinks...and not due to him. Actually, we are very blessed with his friendship and always 'throwing stuff in for free'. But there is only so much he can do when it comes to the actual cost of the parts that are needed. Aaahhhh...what to do what to do....

Well, I have a mission for you in this area, no maybe more a request. It may be a little out there...but, again, this is me and anything goes, right?! This Sunday is Roy's annual work picnic.

Only those invited are able to go and participate in the different drawings. The prizes are huge...and I mean HUGE!!! DVD players, TV's of every size, barbecues, food, jet skis, boats, motorcycles, quads, trips AND TRUCKS. 2 to be exact. Last year Roy came home with a very large flat screen, a DVD player and a portable DVD player. Oh and some hot dogs and hamburgers:) .

So your part in all this?......well, we need a new vehicle. The weather is getting cold, which is adding tremendously to my pain….blah, blah, blah. I could go on and on but really, it’s the actual chance to win a new truck that is the main part of me bringing all this up.

Could you pray? Again, I know it may be far fetched…but wild things have happened in the Pinkards’ lives…so I figured, hey, why not? And if I end up with another big T.V. Tala already ‘volunteered’ to have it in her room :) . Could you imagine a 7 year old with a 50inch flat screen?…

Anyways, so we are still plugging along. Everything is still the same in the areas of health, pain, money, etc. But I never take it for granted that I am here. Whether life is hard-w/pain-struggling-frustrated-discouraged-happy-or sad….I know full well that each day would be extremely different if I wasn’t. So instead of getting into a rut (and believe me, I do :)), I remind myself frequently to choice JOY. (Just ask my kids…I tend to ‘tell’ myself out loud quite often. ;)
I do have another prayer request. More serious in nature and for a friend.

I’m not good anymore in the memory area (I blame the drugs:)) …not sure if I ever mentioned my friend, Barbara. Her and I started our cancer journeys almost at the same time. We both were pregnant, have young kids, ARE young (her more than I :)) and have been through the ringer with this disease. Oh, and we have actually never met…we met through a friend of a friend and the world wide web. Well, she has been going through some awful junk. Numbness, vision issues, struggling with walking, pain….and this is me candy coating. She has been going through treatment, AGAIN, for tumor issues in her head (again, my memory fails me here to the exact spot)…but I do know there has actually been some growth along with more tumors appearing recently on scans. VERY SERIOUS STUFF, FOLKS!

Tomorrow, Thursday, she will be going in to have a Gamma Knife procedure done. If you remember, I had this done in July of ‘07. I truly believe it to be an amazing thing and THE great tool in having my lesion be gone from my brain. I am excited that she has been given this opportunity. But I won’t lie here either….It probably rates in the top 5 of the ‘most painful’ things I have ever had to go through. And I have had quite a few…some of which you don’t know about….that’s for another post :). AND, don’t worry, I’ve actually talked with Barbara and reading this shouldn’t ‘freak’ her out. If anything, I hope I have put her at ease. I did not have anyone that had had it done. She actual has her grandmother also. Again, life saving.

Please pray for her. That she will have minimal side effects. That her nerves will be minimal tonight and tomorrow morning. And most importantly , that this will completely get rid of these tumors.

Thank you so much for being people who care. Not just about me, but about the enormity of this disease and what it does to so many others. I appreciate, in advance, your love & concern for a complete stranger. I know Barbara will covet all the prayers lifted up for her.

Sorry this is so long….but it seems to be how I roll when I get in front of this screen. :D
Have a great day, everyone!
Love, Shannon
*************************************************
UPDATE ON BARBARA:
The following email was sent out last night from Barbara:
"Dear friends and family,
Since the last time I wrote, plans have changed. I had an MRI done yesterday morning and it showed 12 tumors that had grown. So, I am not a candidate for the gamma knife surgery which was scheduled for tomorrow morning. Instead, I am going to have 5 weeks of lower-dose radiation, hopefully starting Monday. Some of the tumors had become too large to use the gamma knife, so the Dr though it would be better to reduce the amount of radiation per dose and spread it out over the 5 weeks. I have to go 5 days/week, but it is supposed to be safer for my normal brain cells. This procedure will be in Escondido at the hospital.
In the mean time, I have a very hard time with my vision. My eyes don't focus, even when I'm sitting still. I've used a walker, but even with that I'm slow and still wobbly.
Our church and "Mom's in Touch" have been incredible. Someone has been here with me from 9-6 every day this week to watch the kids and take care of the things that I can't do, ie, making lunch, cleaning up toys, basic kid needs, ….
God has provided for us in so many ways. Mike is an awesome husband as he picks up the slack around here. He's going to need a big vacation when I'm all better!!!
Keep praying for healing…it will come. God is faithful to do abundantly above all that we think or ask. To Him be the glory.
Barbara"

And this was sent today from Shirley, her mother-in-law today:
"I arrived in San Diego last evening and here's the latest news around here. No procedure was done today. Barbara is starting to have major headaches. Please pray for God's plan for her life. This is no way to live. The word 'hospice" was used here this morning for the first time. With appreciation for your loving support,
Shirley for all of us"

It is urgency that I ask for your commitment to pray for this family. There is such complexity to the needs they have right now. Without going into detail, I feel the emails above give you a little taste of what is happening. Please pray with me for healing to be placed on Barbara's body. God is able. I know this without a shadow of a doubt. Gratefully, Shannon

One of those days

It's been one of those days.

Blah and full of emotions I would rather not have. I'm exhausted from trying to work through things. Over and over again. But yet, I know it's God's way of allowing me a new lesson. A way for me to grow.

I woke up near tears.
Already tired and hadn't even gotten out of bed yet.
Discouraged that other's can 'move' on to bigger and better.
I'm still stuck here.
Having to be social isn't what I wanted to do today because..

It's been one of those days.

Kids fighting nonstop and definitely not listening to me one bit. Expectations are thrown at me from every angle. Where do I throw mine?

I'm sinking.

I need a like preserver.

But I have to put my face on.
And dress pretty.
Let's not forget, lecturing kids to 'act right'.
It's been one of those days...

Why do I do it? Why do I pretend? Why do any of us pretend? To make people comfortable.
That's what I did today. Sucked it all up. For others. I hid myself. I was full of ache, heartache.

It's been one of those days...

And He provided.

I had one who dove in...wanting to really, really know just how I was.
I cried.
So did she.
We talked...really, really talked.
In such a short time she allowed me to be just me. I was able to 'show' my true self.

It's been one of those days.

One where He provides

just

what

I

need

GRACE

"That he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Peter, then to the Twelve." -1 Corinthians 15:4-5

(Following is a piece of my devotions this morning....it's stuck with me all day)
Have you ever made the connection that Peter, the same man who denied Jesus three times before His death, was the first apostle to see Jesus after his resurrection? What an amazing display of the grace of God - what a brilliant example of the Father's heart to restore fellowship with one of His followers! Be reminded, by Jesus' example here, that no matter how far you think you've fallen, there's a Savior ready to take your hand and cradle you back into the most fulfilling fellowship with Himself.


How many times do I sin in just one day? Comprehending this along with the words above...I feel I am just beginning to understand what 'GRACE' truly is. I have been sitting, staring at this screen. Typing, deleting, typing again. deleting, repeat, repeat, repeat. Tears just falling down my cheeks. I deserve nothing. But the GRACE He has given for just one offense is love. Pure, unconditional love. Let alone all that I am guilty of. Image after image, remembrances I would rather forget...all playing before my heart. The tugging of this 'lesson' is almost unbearable. GRACE. I thought I was grateful for it before. Now I know that I didn't have a clue.

I am still alive, very much alive, by His GRACE alone. Medicine...a work of His GRACE. Doctors...a work of His GRACE. Cancer, gone....a work of His GRACE. Raising my kids....a work of His GRACE. Living a 'fairly' normal life....a work of His GRACE.

It's so easy to think of Peter as the one who betrayed Jesus. Because he did. But so do each of us. So do I. Many, many, MANY times. To say that it is human nature is true. We are made this way. We will sin. BUT. Why would I keep doing it knowing what GRACE truly is?! His GRACE is undeserved. But yet it is free. No wait, the only cost is to allow Him to live in me...it seems to be a win win situation. So why would one want the lose lose options?

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions -it is by GRACE you have saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him, in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his GRACE, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by GRACE you have been saved, through faith -and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:4-10

Rather than be heartbroken for what I have done, I choose to move forward with firm premeditation of how I should take each step. With GRACE guiding me.