What would I do without the Psalms? They are like a soothing balm to my soul.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18
"For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe." - Psalm 61:3
"Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.
He sent forth his word and healed them;
he rescued them from the grave." - Psalm 107:19-20
(These are just a few of hundreds that I could list...as this book of the bible truly is medicine for our deepest places.)
If there was just one here, me, He would be all of this and do all of this. I deserve none of it but take it all. So it is my prayer....
"Delight yourself (MYSELF) in the Lord.
Commit your (MY) way to the Lord;
trust in him.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.
Wait for the Lord and keep his way." - Psalm 37:4a,5a,7a,34a
One needs to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames are the hottest as to burn away all the impurities. His eyes never leave the precious metal and knows it is refined & finished when He can see His own image in it....May He see His image in me.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
A Tribute to Jud
Months later and I am still being taught by a very sweet, special and unique person. Judson Levasheff will forever be a part of my days and I never even had the honor of meeting him. His parents and I are connected through Biola University. We attended a few years apart but have some friends in common. It's through these common denominators that I became aware of their very ill 2 year old son.
Jusdon began his journey with Krabbe Disease (a rare, genetic, incurable leukodystrophy) shortly after I began mine with Breast Cancer. It slowly robbed him of his sight, ability to walk, speech and all bodily functions. Within a few months, this wretched disease robbed us all of this amazing boy.
As I sat on the sidelines praying for Jud's miracle, I was witness to the hideous way the enemy works. But yet, this family and little 2 year old made a conscious decision to bring glory to the Author of Life.
Judson died in his parents arms on November 7, 2007. In the midst of their unfathomable heartache and grief, Drake & Christina have continued to make it their mission to be as open as possible. Their journey is a constant source of inspiration and lessons for me.
Judson has left an imprint on my heart that will be with me forever. I would feel honored if you would visit and spend some time on the site they have dedicated to Jud's memory. You'll be able to pray for them, learn from them and forever be touched by one of God's most faithful....an amazing little 2 year old boy.
http://www.storyofjudson.com/
Jusdon began his journey with Krabbe Disease (a rare, genetic, incurable leukodystrophy) shortly after I began mine with Breast Cancer. It slowly robbed him of his sight, ability to walk, speech and all bodily functions. Within a few months, this wretched disease robbed us all of this amazing boy.
As I sat on the sidelines praying for Jud's miracle, I was witness to the hideous way the enemy works. But yet, this family and little 2 year old made a conscious decision to bring glory to the Author of Life.
Judson died in his parents arms on November 7, 2007. In the midst of their unfathomable heartache and grief, Drake & Christina have continued to make it their mission to be as open as possible. Their journey is a constant source of inspiration and lessons for me.
Judson has left an imprint on my heart that will be with me forever. I would feel honored if you would visit and spend some time on the site they have dedicated to Jud's memory. You'll be able to pray for them, learn from them and forever be touched by one of God's most faithful....an amazing little 2 year old boy.
http://www.storyofjudson.com/
Ideal Friend
How many of us put on the 'happy' face just so others don't feel uncomfortable by our not-so-happy hearts? I think we all do it. We do it for various reasons. Having people know all our business is an area of vulnerability. Also, what if they don't 'get it'....what if they just really think our feelings aren't warranted?
I'm in a place that all this is at the forefront for me not telling others where I'm at. Oh sure, some people know some stuff and other's know other stuff. But I don't think there is just one person who knows it all. I hold back even though I'm blessed with many who care. There are reasons for some of the 'holding back', while some of it just stems from feeble attempts to rationalize within my own head :)
As I was sitting thinking through everything that I'm stressed about and who I've told what to and whom should I talk to about this & that....I had a thought that made me breathe easier for the moment.
There is One who knows it all. Actually, He knows more that I do. I'm so anxious for that human touch that I forget about the One who can heal my heart.
My life is so full of way too many stresses that I think I need to talk them over with someone. (And yes, for me this is most times productive...as I do try and lean on trusted & grounded people.) If we call God the Author of Life then why am I so quick to forget to ask for His help? Hello??!!! I think He has all the answers I'm needing...:)
"The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.
The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made." - Psalm 145:8-9
Why would I not lean on Him? He's the ideal friend!!!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Surviving
I have found that being a survivor means many things.
My love for life, my family, friends and my God have become the purpose for what I now live. Each day is viewed as a gift that I embrace. (I know, I sound like a Hallmark card....but the words that I write are sincere.)
Surviving cancer means that I will always have to live with more regular checkups, always knowing that the 'medical' world is now my world, being terrified of -the very often- scans is common place in my life, and dealing with my chemo scarred body will be with me during this lifetime.
I saw my doc today and asked a few questions...
1) The ankle pain and foot pain are related. I have what is called Neuropathy. (Please excuse my very novice medical explanation.) We have 2 types of nerves in our body. The chemo drugs from past and present are slowly messing with 1 of these. Thus, what's happening in my ankles and foot. There is medicine for me to try. It works for some better than others. I'm praying I get relief from it. What's happening will most likely continue and probably move to other places. If the medicine works for me....I should be good. If not....we'll cross that bridge IF we have to. He also said swimming and massage are great for this. The swimming will be hard, as I have so many children :) But the massage I am more than game for.
2) I have had mouth sore this time around. Getting them is very common when going through normal chemo, NOT maintenance. But hellooooo...this is me we're talking about. I always have to be different, huh?! So please pray that this was a one time thing. Very painful and a very hard thing to deal with when trying to brush your teeth.
3) We talked about how long I would be doing my maintenance chemo. Originally it was to be 5 years. But then things became such a miracle situation that it was talked about it lessoning. Basically, I'm looking at a long time of this. It's up to me, the scans and my doc. He personally feels the longer the better. Remember, it's helping to kill and keep at bay any cancer that may be laying dormant in me. So if it's gonna keep me healthy....keep it coming.
And now to answer some random questions that many of you have asked:
I can go on vacation and 'miss' a chemo appointment. I can drink coffee (which I do regularly because I have a Starbucks addiction.) I can do most any type of massage but NO chiropractic anything. I DO have 4 children. (Takai 1 1/2, Torryn 4 this Sunday, Tala 7 1/2 & Tylor 14) I would choose the same exact doctors if I had to do it all again. I am from Maui, Hawaii. And I can get a tattoo
Please pray for :
*The medicine to work. Walking is becoming very difficult to do with the pain.
*My back pain to not get any worse. I am so thankful that it seems to 'just be'.
*We are down to 1 vehicle. Roy's truck is done and we don't have the option to get another one. This will be a hard thing to juggle with doctor's appointments for me and the kids, along with school next month.
*My veins to continue to hold out and be strong. It was talked about again today. I do NOT want another port....
*My upcoming surgeries. Reconstruction & Hysterectomy. I have no dates yet, but need all the prayer I can get in this area.
*SPECIAL PRAYER REQUEST*--Tristen. He is a month old and while in the hospital contacted MRSA. This is a very serious form of Staph. At this young age, he is very vulnerable and fragile. Please pray with me that his little body would be healed from the sores, fever and everything else that he's fighting.
My life has forever changed from cancer. But nothing will ever be taken for granted since I have been blessed with being a SURVIVOR. I embrace more and love deeper because of this title. It's one I will be grateful for the rest of this lifetime.
My love for life, my family, friends and my God have become the purpose for what I now live. Each day is viewed as a gift that I embrace. (I know, I sound like a Hallmark card....but the words that I write are sincere.)
Surviving cancer means that I will always have to live with more regular checkups, always knowing that the 'medical' world is now my world, being terrified of -the very often- scans is common place in my life, and dealing with my chemo scarred body will be with me during this lifetime.
I saw my doc today and asked a few questions...
1) The ankle pain and foot pain are related. I have what is called Neuropathy. (Please excuse my very novice medical explanation.) We have 2 types of nerves in our body. The chemo drugs from past and present are slowly messing with 1 of these. Thus, what's happening in my ankles and foot. There is medicine for me to try. It works for some better than others. I'm praying I get relief from it. What's happening will most likely continue and probably move to other places. If the medicine works for me....I should be good. If not....we'll cross that bridge IF we have to. He also said swimming and massage are great for this. The swimming will be hard, as I have so many children :) But the massage I am more than game for.
2) I have had mouth sore this time around. Getting them is very common when going through normal chemo, NOT maintenance. But hellooooo...this is me we're talking about. I always have to be different, huh?! So please pray that this was a one time thing. Very painful and a very hard thing to deal with when trying to brush your teeth.
3) We talked about how long I would be doing my maintenance chemo. Originally it was to be 5 years. But then things became such a miracle situation that it was talked about it lessoning. Basically, I'm looking at a long time of this. It's up to me, the scans and my doc. He personally feels the longer the better. Remember, it's helping to kill and keep at bay any cancer that may be laying dormant in me. So if it's gonna keep me healthy....keep it coming.
And now to answer some random questions that many of you have asked:
I can go on vacation and 'miss' a chemo appointment. I can drink coffee (which I do regularly because I have a Starbucks addiction.) I can do most any type of massage but NO chiropractic anything. I DO have 4 children. (Takai 1 1/2, Torryn 4 this Sunday, Tala 7 1/2 & Tylor 14) I would choose the same exact doctors if I had to do it all again. I am from Maui, Hawaii. And I can get a tattoo
Please pray for :
*The medicine to work. Walking is becoming very difficult to do with the pain.
*My back pain to not get any worse. I am so thankful that it seems to 'just be'.
*We are down to 1 vehicle. Roy's truck is done and we don't have the option to get another one. This will be a hard thing to juggle with doctor's appointments for me and the kids, along with school next month.
*My veins to continue to hold out and be strong. It was talked about again today. I do NOT want another port....
*My upcoming surgeries. Reconstruction & Hysterectomy. I have no dates yet, but need all the prayer I can get in this area.
*SPECIAL PRAYER REQUEST*--Tristen. He is a month old and while in the hospital contacted MRSA. This is a very serious form of Staph. At this young age, he is very vulnerable and fragile. Please pray with me that his little body would be healed from the sores, fever and everything else that he's fighting.
My life has forever changed from cancer. But nothing will ever be taken for granted since I have been blessed with being a SURVIVOR. I embrace more and love deeper because of this title. It's one I will be grateful for the rest of this lifetime.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Borrowed Shoes
This life. We all have trials and tribulations. In the midst of them it becomes important for others to relate to us. It is for me, anyways. I want others to 'feel' my pain. I don't want to be alone in all this.
But how could they? My journey is my own. I am the only one to live it. No one has lived a day in my shoes.
Except One.
I have been quick to forget the One who walked this earth and lived each day in anguish for me. He did it while never wavering in where He placed His eyes. Heavenward. He knew His purpose and every action was done to complete it. Unlike me. I easily forget what I am here for. I get lost in the pain and aftermath that cancer has placed within my life. There are many times throughout my days that I seem to allow this valley to swallow me up like quick sand. Thankfully, He is always there ready to pull me out when I'm ready. He steadies me even when I continue to wobble in my balance. My shoes. The ones that I have to walk in seem to be covered with mud and debris that won't wash off. Maybe because more than I have walked in them. They're borrowed. The road they once traveled was much harder than this one I am on.
There is not one thing that I have gone through or will go through that is unique to this One. He's been there. He's felt it. He's lived it. He walked in my shoes.
So when I start to feel sorry for myself, I need to remember that my shoes are borrowed and He will always be able to fill them better than I.
But how could they? My journey is my own. I am the only one to live it. No one has lived a day in my shoes.
Except One.
I have been quick to forget the One who walked this earth and lived each day in anguish for me. He did it while never wavering in where He placed His eyes. Heavenward. He knew His purpose and every action was done to complete it. Unlike me. I easily forget what I am here for. I get lost in the pain and aftermath that cancer has placed within my life. There are many times throughout my days that I seem to allow this valley to swallow me up like quick sand. Thankfully, He is always there ready to pull me out when I'm ready. He steadies me even when I continue to wobble in my balance. My shoes. The ones that I have to walk in seem to be covered with mud and debris that won't wash off. Maybe because more than I have walked in them. They're borrowed. The road they once traveled was much harder than this one I am on.
There is not one thing that I have gone through or will go through that is unique to this One. He's been there. He's felt it. He's lived it. He walked in my shoes.
So when I start to feel sorry for myself, I need to remember that my shoes are borrowed and He will always be able to fill them better than I.
Monday, July 14, 2008
HEAVEN & hell
We all imagine hell to be a certain way. Ugly, fire, red hot, evil devil man, pain. All of these are just the first few words that come to mind of how most would describe it. How would you? Do you relate it to a certain time in your life? Along with the descriptive words I listed, I tend to relate it to the here and now. It's no secret that my life is hard (actually my whole precious family's). My goal, because I know I share this often, is not for pity or anything of this nature. It is because of wanting others to know that it is by His grace alone that I make it through each day. He is the reason I am here and the very reason I share.
It doesn't make my 'earthly' hell any easier. Although, it has made me study a little bit more about what the bible teaches of the real hell.
"But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside,
into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."
- Matthew 8:12
This is just one verse that has caught my attention. The picture that it paints here is enough to strike terror in any ones heart. Just as many verses paint opposite pictures of heaven. These impress the beauty there. If we take time to think about it....if heaven is better than what we can even imagine....don't you think hell is much worse?
My life right now may be 'hell'....but only for a moment. Because what 'earthly' hell brings us can't even begin to touch on the real hell that awaits those who choose to not believe. I am so thankful that my circumstances may be hellish in nature, but my Jesus saves. And He as chosen me by name. And my name is written in the Book of Life.
My guarantee that I will never see the true real hell.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers,
whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
- James 1:2-3
Streets of gold, no tears, pain or lack of love....I will persevere to see Heaven beyond my wildest imagination. And there I will be with the One who saved me from the real hell.
"You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand."
-Psalm16:11
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Sharing THE Love
I want so much to serve my God and tell everyone of what He has done for me. The desire is so great. Have you heard the term "burning deep in my soul"? Every where I go I look for opportunities to tell of my journey. Any one who 'opens' up a conversation with me just doesn't know what they're in for. Back in 'the day' it was more about talking/preaching/and shoving the gospel down peoples' throats. But today, we are more cautious. We need to live it for them to want to believe it. And this is the way it actually should be.
I've tried to do this. I'm not one to talk about my faith with someone who is going to be uncomfortable with it...to a degree. I have never wanted to be the one that would detour someone off the path that is pointing towards Christ. Am I afraid of witnessing? No. But I have always tried to be cautious and tactful. There are so many around me that do not have the same beliefs as me. I have always found that my relationship with them is what it's all about. Unless we can build an authentic one, religion doesn't even stand a chance to enter into any type of productive conversation.
I have been given a huge, gigantic, enormous platform. People may not want to hear about faith from others. But when someone has a personal story to tell, they relate. Others want to hear the trials that you've been through. People are quick to sympathize with reality. Real stories tend to pull at heart strings in a way that 'preaching' could never do. God uses these stories. Why is that?
Life. It's happening all around us. It's happening to each and everyone of us. Our journeys are all different though. Some of us have been given a 'harder' road to walk. We have to figure out how to carry a much bigger and heavier cross.
I'm struggling with mine. But there is joy because as I carry it, in its enormous stature, it's hard for others not to notice. People want to know how it became the size that it is. They want to hear about each step of my walk. And believe me when I say, "I'm embracing this opportunity." The road has been full of sharp turns, potholes and speed bumps. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I have come to know this is all preparation. Painful, yes. But preparation nonetheless.
It is not cruel testing from God. Some have thought this and voiced it also. I have had to remind them, along with my own heart, that it is all gentle preparation for the incredible work He is to have me do for His Kingdom. Without it, I would not have the training I would need to successfully fulfill my duties. Without it I would be blinded to what I was to supposed to be learning AND teaching.
As I have gone on my knees with tearful prayers, crying out and feeling unheard, He is answering. There have been and will continue to be times that I feel forsaken. But He is answering. Sharing my journey and teaching others of His complete love is part of my today and future. My journey has prepared for this. I am thankful for the perfection of His ways. Is all the disease and pain part of the plans that He has had for me. Truthfully, I think the enemy is working in ways that he has done since the fruit left the forbidden tree. But our God can and does use everything for His good and kingdom. If we let Him. His ways are perfection. All-knowing. Sweet. It is Love.
But yet I doubt. The details of this world take over. They try to sneak in and grab hold of the certainties that He has planted. They are disguised in the costumes of money, pain, more illness, exhaustion, and anything the enemy can transform. It's easy to forget that this world is a battle field and we are the soldiers. And even easier to forget that we can't stand on both sides.
I've tried to do this. I'm not one to talk about my faith with someone who is going to be uncomfortable with it...to a degree. I have never wanted to be the one that would detour someone off the path that is pointing towards Christ. Am I afraid of witnessing? No. But I have always tried to be cautious and tactful. There are so many around me that do not have the same beliefs as me. I have always found that my relationship with them is what it's all about. Unless we can build an authentic one, religion doesn't even stand a chance to enter into any type of productive conversation.
I have been given a huge, gigantic, enormous platform. People may not want to hear about faith from others. But when someone has a personal story to tell, they relate. Others want to hear the trials that you've been through. People are quick to sympathize with reality. Real stories tend to pull at heart strings in a way that 'preaching' could never do. God uses these stories. Why is that?
Life. It's happening all around us. It's happening to each and everyone of us. Our journeys are all different though. Some of us have been given a 'harder' road to walk. We have to figure out how to carry a much bigger and heavier cross.
I'm struggling with mine. But there is joy because as I carry it, in its enormous stature, it's hard for others not to notice. People want to know how it became the size that it is. They want to hear about each step of my walk. And believe me when I say, "I'm embracing this opportunity." The road has been full of sharp turns, potholes and speed bumps. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I have come to know this is all preparation. Painful, yes. But preparation nonetheless.
It is not cruel testing from God. Some have thought this and voiced it also. I have had to remind them, along with my own heart, that it is all gentle preparation for the incredible work He is to have me do for His Kingdom. Without it, I would not have the training I would need to successfully fulfill my duties. Without it I would be blinded to what I was to supposed to be learning AND teaching.
As I have gone on my knees with tearful prayers, crying out and feeling unheard, He is answering. There have been and will continue to be times that I feel forsaken. But He is answering. Sharing my journey and teaching others of His complete love is part of my today and future. My journey has prepared for this. I am thankful for the perfection of His ways. Is all the disease and pain part of the plans that He has had for me. Truthfully, I think the enemy is working in ways that he has done since the fruit left the forbidden tree. But our God can and does use everything for His good and kingdom. If we let Him. His ways are perfection. All-knowing. Sweet. It is Love.
But yet I doubt. The details of this world take over. They try to sneak in and grab hold of the certainties that He has planted. They are disguised in the costumes of money, pain, more illness, exhaustion, and anything the enemy can transform. It's easy to forget that this world is a battle field and we are the soldiers. And even easier to forget that we can't stand on both sides.
"Put on the full armor of God
so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
but against the rulers,
against the authorities,
against the powers of this dark world
and against the spiritual forces of evil
in the heavenly realms."
-Ephesians 6:11-12
I've declared my stand. But yet I wander to other side. Often. The King's side is one of certainty, provision, goals and perfect destination. The side of darkness encompasses hatred, division and walking aimlessly. Why do we even bother thinking about this side? I can't believe I freely turn my back on His Majesty without even looking back, not once, but over and over. And to top it off....He welcomes me back with outstretched arms each and every time.
It's the love.
I want so much to serve my God and tell everyone of what He has done for me. Why? Simple.
He is Love.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
My 'Deep' Desire -Sept.5-6
I have no idea what Sept. 5-6 will hold. That far in the future is always so hard to plan when you're dealing with medical stuffs. But I have a desire. Beth Moore. She is such an incredible author. I would love to hear her speak and teach. AND she will be here in Sept along with Kay Authur (who I love also!) and Priscilla Shirer. I want so much to go and be apart of the 'Deeper Still' event.
I have a few friends that just had the privilege to go to it and were renewed in incredible ways....I so desire this.
Wanna go with me?
Reservations and all that stuff need to be done soon. So email me and let me know if you wanna be refreshed. I'll throw in some good company and a few Starbucks to top off the weekend.
...p.s. Those of you who really know me, know that to commit to something like this with my kids and crazy schedule is very hard. The desire is there always...but the 'time for me' is not usually. So please partner with me in prayer that this becomes a reality because I desire this greatly right now. For me and whomever God has for me to share the weekend with. Is it you?
Here's places you can visit to learn more about Beth and 'Deeper Still'.
or
or
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Balance
Balance. It's what is on my mind pretty much all the time.
The balance of having 4 kids home everyday and what to do for/with them. The balance of taking time for myself in the craziness of our schedule this summer. The balance of time spent on the computer updating and journaling. The balance of investing in others lives, as this is always important. The balance of taking care of medical needs...again, in the craziness of my schedule. The balance of spending time learning and growing in His ways and allowing Him to seep into every part of where the balancing becomes unsteady.
Balancing is a juggling act.
Many of you have asked more specifics about my surgery. Right now, honestly, I am trying not to be to depressed about it...and not in the way you may think.
Some of you know that I love, love, love my OB. She is one of those people you just adore the moment you meet her. But there's more. She has been with me for 7 years. She has walked with me through a miscarraige, 2 pregnancies and 9 months of an open incision from a c-section (yes....9 months!). Then to add to this, she was the 'one' who started the 'chain' of events connecting me to great doctors throughout this cancer journey. Not many people can say that their gynecologist walked through chemo/cancer with them.
Along with Dr. T, I have been blessed with the friendships of her great staff. She has 2 wonderful women that are, not only faithful to her, but to me. Each one of these women, in my opinion, play an intricate part in my being here today. Did I mention how much I love them too?!!!!
Dr. T is so great that in the past year she started her own practice. V. & B. were brillantly smart to tag along with her. I, of course, followed all 3. I drive to the other end of the state to see them :)....
BUT
My insurance did not follow :(
This is were I am today. My surgery, if done by Dr. T, will have to be paid 100% by me. If not....I have to 'suck it all up' and go with another doctor. I know, I know...some of you are probably saying that it's no big deal and it's just something I gotta get over. But it's not that easy. When you have been and are going through so much medically, you tend to realize when you have a good thing. And in this case...I have the best. And I'm having a hard time swallowing that I may have to settle for 2nd best just because of money.
But it is what it is and I'm praying my way through it right now as I ask many questions and have Dr. T refer me to whom she thinks is a good choice. When the plans are made I will be sure to let you all know. There will be some time before it's all set because I also have to coordinate things with my mom and anyone else who may be helping....I've been told my recovery will be 6-8 weeks (uggh)!
Physically I am still struggling with new things. My ankles are in constant pain. Along with this, my right foot is in some extreme pain most of the time. And the newest is more back pain. I actually woke up this morning and took pain medicine that I haven't taken in over a year.
I will be meeting with my doc next week and discussing all this with him. In talking with Roy, we've concluded a couple of things.....every 6 weeks I take a drug with my chemo that strengthens my bones. While I was on my regimented 6 cycles this drug caused severe pain through my bones each time. Ever since I started my 'maintenance' chemo, it hasn't seemed to give me any problems....BUT the last few times that I have gone - it seems to be when these 'new' symptoms have arose. So maybe I'm becoming sensitive to this drug once again.
We also think my body is just tired. Tired of balancing. When anyone is doing too much they usually get sick in some fashion. Well, maybe, my 'chemo' tired body is just that...tired.
Either way....I'm praying my way through it all.
Life is hard. But I choose joy!
Life is tiring. But I choose joy!
Life is. And I choose joy!
The balance of having 4 kids home everyday and what to do for/with them. The balance of taking time for myself in the craziness of our schedule this summer. The balance of time spent on the computer updating and journaling. The balance of investing in others lives, as this is always important. The balance of taking care of medical needs...again, in the craziness of my schedule. The balance of spending time learning and growing in His ways and allowing Him to seep into every part of where the balancing becomes unsteady.
Balancing is a juggling act.
Many of you have asked more specifics about my surgery. Right now, honestly, I am trying not to be to depressed about it...and not in the way you may think.
Some of you know that I love, love, love my OB. She is one of those people you just adore the moment you meet her. But there's more. She has been with me for 7 years. She has walked with me through a miscarraige, 2 pregnancies and 9 months of an open incision from a c-section (yes....9 months!). Then to add to this, she was the 'one' who started the 'chain' of events connecting me to great doctors throughout this cancer journey. Not many people can say that their gynecologist walked through chemo/cancer with them.
Along with Dr. T, I have been blessed with the friendships of her great staff. She has 2 wonderful women that are, not only faithful to her, but to me. Each one of these women, in my opinion, play an intricate part in my being here today. Did I mention how much I love them too?!!!!
Dr. T is so great that in the past year she started her own practice. V. & B. were brillantly smart to tag along with her. I, of course, followed all 3. I drive to the other end of the state to see them :)....
BUT
My insurance did not follow :(
This is were I am today. My surgery, if done by Dr. T, will have to be paid 100% by me. If not....I have to 'suck it all up' and go with another doctor. I know, I know...some of you are probably saying that it's no big deal and it's just something I gotta get over. But it's not that easy. When you have been and are going through so much medically, you tend to realize when you have a good thing. And in this case...I have the best. And I'm having a hard time swallowing that I may have to settle for 2nd best just because of money.
But it is what it is and I'm praying my way through it right now as I ask many questions and have Dr. T refer me to whom she thinks is a good choice. When the plans are made I will be sure to let you all know. There will be some time before it's all set because I also have to coordinate things with my mom and anyone else who may be helping....I've been told my recovery will be 6-8 weeks (uggh)!
Physically I am still struggling with new things. My ankles are in constant pain. Along with this, my right foot is in some extreme pain most of the time. And the newest is more back pain. I actually woke up this morning and took pain medicine that I haven't taken in over a year.
I will be meeting with my doc next week and discussing all this with him. In talking with Roy, we've concluded a couple of things.....every 6 weeks I take a drug with my chemo that strengthens my bones. While I was on my regimented 6 cycles this drug caused severe pain through my bones each time. Ever since I started my 'maintenance' chemo, it hasn't seemed to give me any problems....BUT the last few times that I have gone - it seems to be when these 'new' symptoms have arose. So maybe I'm becoming sensitive to this drug once again.
We also think my body is just tired. Tired of balancing. When anyone is doing too much they usually get sick in some fashion. Well, maybe, my 'chemo' tired body is just that...tired.
Either way....I'm praying my way through it all.
Life is hard. But I choose joy!
Life is tiring. But I choose joy!
Life is. And I choose joy!
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