Breathe Deeply

It's been a rough week. And I blame the enemy for being so sneaky. You'd think I would be on to him a little more easily. But, no. He's just learned new tricks to get past my smarts.:)

We were blessed with Tala being able to go back to her school. She had such a rough first week. Some changes on their part. Getting used to 'school' schedule. You know, waking up early and going to bed early. Challenges with food. Her diabetes being the cause of those challenges. Missing being at home and mommy. All of it made for a rough week not just for her, but for us all.

Truthfully, I allowed questions to start swimming in my head. 'Should she be there?' 'Would homeschooling be better?'

These would not be so bad if it wasn't so apparent that God orchestrated every detail just so she could be there. And just days after He showed Himself in the miracle of this being provided I began questioning. How easy it was for me to just lose sight of what He had done and start focusing elsewhere.

It really is important to slow down and breathe deeply. It allows us to just BE STILL. And I find that when I am still, I am able to see His face more clearly, smell his sweet breath a little more easily, and feel His embrace squeeze me most tenderly.

So as we head into this next week, I am choosing to BE STILL.

"Be still, and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10a

and for that, I Am Thankful

This journey from day one as been about God right in front of me. I went from loving my God to wondering how to really love Him. It truly wasn't about the cancer. It was about me and Him. The cancer was just a means for me to truly see Him. I, now, am able to view Him out in the open...outside the box that I had Him in. Granted...I do easily shove Him back in there when it's convenient to me. But on the whole....I allow the light to shine all around Him. Or should I say, from Him?!!

I am thankful.

For cancer?!!!!

I would have to say, "Yes."

Huh?

Quiet moments allow me to reflect on where I was just 2 years ago. A good person, wife, mother, and friend. Dependable. Giving. Caring. Churchgoing. Devoted. Most anything 'good'. I was a good girl. And I did love God. With all my heart, mind and soul.

So I thought.

Experiences bring about opportunities. Each of has wonderful moments that we hold dear to our hearts. Likewise, there are the hardships that fall into our laps as well. We have a choice to make the best of these. We can dwell on the negative, bad, misfortune & hurt. OR we can grab a hold of them and see the positive, good, blessings & healing that come with.

Cancer has done this for me. It is from the enemy. No doubt about it. It is full of negative, bad, misfortune & hurt. Lots and lots of pain. But without it I never would know the positive, good, blessings and healing to the degree that my mind, heart & soul does now.

There is much that comes with cancer....

and for that, I Am Thankful.

"Give thanks to the Lord, call on his name;

make known among the nations what he has done.

Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.

Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the Lord rejoice.

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

Remember the wonders he has done,

his miracles, and the judgements he pronounced."

-Chronicles 16:8-12

Love Flowing

I am so fortunate to have many who love and invest time in my life. It is not only about being here with me to help. There are so many, many other ways.

People ask me all the time..."What can I do?"

My answer..."Anything"

Nothing. And I mean nothing is too small. Actually, now that this is my journey in life....everything is HUGE. The 'smallest' (by the world's standards) effort is so big to me. Whereas, 2 years ago I may not have appreciated it as I do know.

Everything brings me comfort.

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." -John14:18

I am forever grateful for those who have become His hands, His love, His encouragement. You have become my comfort. God's love flows out of you everytime you choose to comfort.

Saved by Grace

(I promised I would fill you in on the miracle we were given a few days ago....)

Have you ever been so certain of something that when it didn't come to be...you were just dumbfounded? That's happened to me recently.

I have been praying about sending Tala back to her same school that she has been at since kindergarten. It's a small private Christian school here in our small town. So of course, there's cost involved. And for us, right now, this is not in the cards. But who am I to put God in a box right?! So I prayed and prayed some more for the 'answer' of knowing where she should be this year.

Through this process of laying it at His feet, I was certain of one thing....no public school yet. Please, don't get me wrong. I'm one of those that don't side either way. Hey, I'm a product of both and have taught in both. But for our girl, her very shy & timid personality combined with her Diabetes....there were just still too many dangerous scenarios that were more likely to take place in a larger setting. So, no public yet.

This all pretty much rounded it down to two choices: Grace (the school) or homeschooling (love this idea, but with all the health issues in our home & again, Tala's shy personality, this just didn't seem to 'fit).

I have been fortunate to have so many of you praying along with me about this issue that is so important. The finances were the main thing holding us back from registering her. For those of you who have been traveling along with us since the beginning of our journey, you know what a strong backbone this school & church have been for our family during all the trials of the past 2 years.

About 1 month before she was to start I talked with the Principal. We talked 'legistics' and laughed a little about how it would probably be down to the very last minute for us....that seems to be the way God works in my life. But when the 'last minute' came and the money wasn't here, well, this is where me being dumbfounded comes in. I truly was. I couldn't find any words on the subject because I feel for sure that she was meant for Grace.

Friday & Saturday before she was to start held a lot of tears. I had to break it to her. We both just couldn't really believe she wouldn't be starting on Monday. Together, we made plans to still pray for a miracle and we went school shopping...just in case. It's hard to have faith when this feeling of utter dumbfoundedness (is this a word?:) was consuming me. BUT, with faith like a child, my child, we went forward....to the store.

Early Sunday evening I received a phone call from the Principal. She held the news to the next miracle for the Pinkard family. Someone or someones, somewhere or should I say at Grace (the church) felt led to help our family out. This person or persons gave a substantial amount of money to us in order for Tala to start school the very next day with her friends.

Blessed? Definitely. But it is so much more than that. The pieces of this puzzle came together only because of His leading....and His grace. How fitting is it that the name of the institution where we are entrusting our sweet angelgirl is titled, Grace?!!!

We literally have been saved by Grace.

***note: no words can express our gratitude to the individual(s) that followed His prompting. Your investment in our family goes way beyond what you may know. I wait anxiously for the moment that I can share ALL you have done just by listening with your heart.***

Only Jesus

My sweet, precious 4 year old came to me today and proclaimed, "I don't ever, ever want to make Satan happy and smile, only Jesus!"

and within less than 5 minutes....

...he said the word 'stupid', hit his sister, pushed the baby down and became defiant to his much needed discipline (& me, his disciplinarian:).

Once he (we all) got it under control...we had a talk (or should I say lesson).

I pointed out all the ways he had done just what he did NOT want to do. He and I talked about how easy it is to forget what we are supposed to do. It's so hard to choose the right thing when we are feeling mad, sad, tired, frustrated, etc. I explained that our feelings don't give us a 'free ticket' to do what we want. I am happy to say there was remorse. And not just from him.

Only I had not reached this place of maturity quite as quick as him. I have been in this place where I know I want only to please my Jesus. To make Him happy & smile. But I tend to think that my emotions give me this 'free ticket' to freak out just because my circumstances are 'bigger' than most. Well, I was reminded today by my little boy that Jesus IS the free ticket. And because of this....I better be on my best behavior because He deserves it! (Seriously, I wonder sometimes who is teaching who:)

Have I mentioned the 'funk' I'm in lately?....well, this lesson was very much needed. It has truly reminded me that circumstances should not predict my actions. That others have nothing to do with my relationship to my Jesus. And mostly, that only Jesus matters....everything & everyone else falls into to place if He has His place.

So I proclaim to you as my witness(es), "I don't ever, ever want to make Satan happy and smile, only Jesus!"

Only Jesus

All the Time

My heart has so much to be thankful for but yet I'm full of heartache. I have so much to wake up to but yet I tend to struggle to rise from my bed. So many blessings have come my way but yet I am weighed down by the tribulations that I face. The miracles speak for themselves but yet I struggle to 'hear' them.

God is good all the time. I was recently reminded of this by a dear friend. And you know....HE IS!

So in the midst of my heartache, struggles, tribulations AND 'loss of hearing', I am aiming to focus on His goodness. All the junk the world brings does not take away any of this goodness. Just because trials roll our way, doesn't mean that He is not as good as when things seem to be going our way.

It's all about attitude and perspective. And no matter which way you turn it, what color lens you look through, how you hold it or whether the glass is hold empty or half full....God IS good ALL THE TIME!

Wish I could share...

In the midst of so much adversity lately, it has been easy to feel like my footing was slipping. And it probably was. This is how the enemy works. But tonight we were granted a miracle in our family. It's huge and unexpected. And I can't wait to share. But I have to get to bed....cause school starts tomorrow for Tala...

And let's just say that's a big part of the miracle. :)

I promise to share as soon as time permits.

Tears In A Bottle

Did you know that God collects our tears?

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." - Psalm 56:8

I am blown away that He not only collects them, but keeps them in a bottle. My bottle alone has got to be HUGE! And then to think that EACH AND EVERY ONE....IS RECORDED IN A BOOK!!!!!!!!!

Each tear. Each and every tear. Can one comprehend how many tears we cry in a life time? I've been taken aback by this verse tonight because I just got through shedding some heavy duty tears for the past hour. I can't even imagine how many there were. And that was just an hour.

It seems as if I have a lot of them lately. To know that He loves me enough, that it is this personal for Him to record it in a book is mind boggling.

Then I look at my children.

Their tears. These tears can literally stop me in my tracks. My heart seems to have the capacity to break in two when I see them flowing. I am beginning to be able to relate this to my Heavenly Father. His heart has to break when He sees mine sliding down my cheeks. And this verse says He takes each of them and puts them in a bottle and records them.

Lately, I find myself dealing with anxiety more than I have ever. I know this is from the enemy, but it is still hard to face in than moment. In the middle of these attacks I am finding it harder and harder to gain some control over my tears. Psalm 56:8 is a tangible way for me to find my way out. Already tonight I find myself breathing easier and filling up with joy.

Thank you, Father, for taking care of each tear drop. Focusing on this tonight has made my heart understand your love for me on a deeper level even more. I am not alone.

Still Being Refined

How do people have just one 'favorite' scripture verse(s)? I have quite a few. I think it's just because at different times different things speak to me. So here's the one that is ministering to me so much lately.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." - 1 Peter 1:6-7

'Suffering grief in all kinds of trials' is my life right now. ALL kinds of trials. And I'm supposed to rejoice?!!?!!!! Simply, yes. The Word of God says I AM to do this and so I must. Much easier said than done. It doesn't say after the trials are finished. 'In this you greatly rejoice.' IN being the key word here. I am supposed to rejoice NOW. To be honest, I am struggling with this. I wake up each morning with a deep sigh in my soul. I am tired of having to keep on keeping on. Exhausted with all the trials that don't seem to be ending anytime soon. Don't get me wrong. I am blessed beyond measure and I don't forget it. But truth be told, life has not let up for me. And I know this 'season' will be with me for awhile.

I am envious of others around me. It's a sin, I know. But human nature IS natural. And as the trials come my way one after the other, it has become easier and easier for me to look on fondly at what others have. Also, the questions. "Why me, God?" "I love You, so why have You allowed all of this?" "When will this all stop?" "Are you able?" "Kind?" "Are you there, God?"

For those who have commented on the strength of my faith....well here it is in all it's nakedness. I question. I have since day one of this journey. I talk to God with heartache encompassing my every breathe. I cry. And believe it or not....I scream & yell. Which in my household is the definition of a 'tantrum'.

"These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine." To be refine by fire is an awesome thing. It's precise. No mistakes can be made or the 'piece' being refine will be ruined. I have held this process close to my heart through all this because I feel as if I have been in the process of being refined by the One who holds me. He makes no mistakes. He is all about precision and perfection. Hello?!!! He IS perfection. So when I look at these 'new' verses and the reference to refining...I love it!!!. But it is a little hard to swallowed in this aspect. It talks of "proving my faith to be genuine." All of us want to be one of the ones that have the type of faith that we are 'supposed' to have. I know I want this for myself. And from the outside looking in I know it looks as if I already do. But from the inside looking out....I struggle.

I'm supposed to, in all of this, be able to "praise, glory, and honor" my Lord. I fall short of all three. Like I said, I struggle to just get up in the morning to face the day before me. So how am I supposed to do what I am commanded to do in this verse?

For now, I keep on getting up. I face the day. I am honest with my struggles. I talk of them. I continue to 'throw my tantrums' with the One who will love me through them AND in spite of them. And when I'm having a good day, or even a good 'moment', I find the strength to give Him ALL the "praise, glory and honor" that I am here. These times are by no means enough of what is due Him. I fall so short of giving Him what is deserved. But I never take a moment for granted even though these moments are a struggle to get through. Because in all of this my hope is that "my faith may prove genuine." And isn't this what we should all desire? Because when this happens then "Jesus Christ is revealed". And no matter how many struggles come my way....this is the ULTIMATE goal! As it should be.

Striving Like Dorothy

I read somewhere that the world of 'cancer' can be compared to The Wizard of Oz. I thought this was a wonderful analogy.

Picture Dorothy in the beginning of the movie. She's happy and content in Kansas. Then the storm. Little did she know, that she would be picked up, twisted about and dropped down in a whole new place.

Cancer does the same. There is no warning. No time to prepare. Bamm! It purely announces that it is here. Not going anywhere. Here to stay for good. No matter the 'outcome'....it leaves consequences lying in its path of destruction. Some are the ultimate.

(I think of many friends who are having to deal with the loss of someone dear and precious to this awful beast. Just today, Roy brought home a paper from work about a fellow employee who just loss his battle. Others read this and, I know, just don't 'get it'. There's no way they're expected to. But for us who have been touched by the 'C' word...well, we will forever be touched. I’m actually having a hard time just contributing to the family fund. I am beyond touched…so I want/need to do more.)

Okay, back to The Wizard of Oz.

Along her journey, Dorothy meets many unusual characters. She has ‘challenges’ before her like nothing she has ever faced. And there is a desire to ‘get home’ to the comfortable.

Cancer brings all of this too. I have definitely met some ‘unusuals’ along the way. I actually have been all about the unusual. (And even though I’m not talking about people per say….I have met some ‘unusuals’ in this area too J ) My challenges have, by far, outweighed anything I have ever faced. And I have my days that I yearn for the comfort of the days before I was diagnosed.

Dorothy had one focus in the center of her journey…the wizard. She did everything to get to him. Why? Because he had the answers, the solutions, the way.

I strive to be like Dorothy. Focused. I desire to do everything to get to Him. Why? Because He has ALL the answers and the solutions. He is The Way.

And if I get to wear some beautiful sparkly shoes along the way all the better.

"I am the way and the truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me." - John 14:6

Update 8/10/08

Hi All,

Thought I would pop in and let you all know what's been happening.

I was supposed to see my doc on Friday along with having treatment, but it didn't work out. Scheduling, babysitters and one vehicle put a little cramp in the plans. Hopefully I will be able to get in this week.

My last bi-monthly visit to my plastic surgeon was this past week. Now I just wait for about 2-3 months for my next surgery. The waiting is for my body to adjust (along with time to clear things with insurance.) I will say, it is nice to know that this part of the journey is over...the bi-monthly visits, that is.

I am scheduled to have a consult with a OB this week. Hopefully, I will have some news to report about this surgery after meeting with him.

Since my last update...
Torryn has turned the big 0-4. He's now 4 years old and still thinks he's the boss. ;) We had a lot of fun celebrating since he was truly old enough to understand the fun of it all.

Roy and I celebrated our 10th anniversary. Boy does time fly when you're raising kids and stuff. We didn't get to do too much...but hope to very soon.

My mom was able to be with us for a little over 2 weeks. It is always nice when she's here. Any mother knows that having extra hands means a little time to relax. And when those hands belong to your own mother....well, I don't need to tell you how spoiled I am to have her help. :) Thanks Mom!!

We also had to say goodbye to Tylor for a few months. He truly is a great kid. A wonderful son and fantastic big brother. It goes without saying that we wish he was with us full time....okay, actually, we do say it all the time. He definetely feels the love from all of us :) The kids are already asking to count the days until he's here again.

There really is not much else to report. As always, though, prayer is always appreciated.
*We are struggling with the decision for Tala's schooling for next year
*Being with one vehicle is already producing struggles when it comes to all the doctor's appointments
*It seems that little 'colds' are seeping into our home.
*Weather, here, has been kinda weird...like pretty much everywhere. All of this has brought on my horrific headaches
*Roy's stamina while he works so many hours for so many days straight (Yes, we are very thankful he is working...but he is worn out and physically exhausted)
*And for our family unit. Roy being gone so much, me in pain most of the time, finance problems and the kids with their own 'kiddie' issues....amount for a great deal of stress within our 4 walls.

Thank you to all of you for sticking with us. I don't think you know how much you mean. I use to comment in the beginning of all this that there were times that just knowing people were out there praying specifically for us was enough to push me through the moment. All the love that is displayed never has/will/does go unnoticed.

10th Anniversary

Happy Anniversary, Honey!!!

Can you believe it?! 10 Years and four kids later here we are. We've been through so much. Just to think of how many times we have moved....7 times...and that was in the first 6 years. But through it all we've had the same 2 dogs.:) We've only gone through a few vehicles. And we have even managed to conquer disease hand in hand (in Hand.)

Thank you for blessing me with such beautiful children, inside and out. I am privileged to be a stay at home mom because of your commitment and hard work for our family. The road we're traveling right now is very bumpy, but I would choose no one but you to walk it with. Thanks for always holding my hand...

"Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self seeking,

it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes,always perseveres.

Love never fail." - I Corinthians 13:4-8

(We only have a few of these 'mastered'...I guess we just gotta keep going till we figure them all out, huh?! ;) )