Good Morning Sunshine!

My world somewhat came to a abrupt halt the day my Mom passed away. The time spent at home (Maui) brought about a great start to the grieving process that we were all undeniably having to walk. I was overloaded by the love & aloha that was shown to me and my entire family. Beyond the acts of unselfish generosity to actually fly so many of us home...even the littlest of things were thought of. There really will never be a way to express fully how each person & each 'act' made & continues to make our healing just a little bit easier. Because it's all so overwhelming during a time of mourning, the thank you card, thank you calls, etc....just seem to be out of our reach of energy & emotions right now. In time for sure. But for now I think it truly is one of those 'pay if forward' type of things.

I've been home(Boulder City) now for close to 2 months now. The reality of what has happened has hit me full force. My sister & I are in the same town. A couple of streets away from one another. That helps tremendously. But the separation from our whole family is tough. Anyone from Hawaii knows that things are done different there. Aloha. It's more than just a way to say hello or goodbye. It's a lifestyle. It 'surrounds' you. And now that I'm back here, I'm somewhat lost without it.

I have a call every morning. I say hello. And I'm greeted with, 'GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!'. Every single day, folks. Someone loves me enough to call everyday to make sure I know that they know that it's not any easier yet. And to top that off...I can think of at least 5 other friends that reach out many times throughout the week. And so many others that have taken time to let me know that they continue to care. I am loved. I am blessed. And I know I am fortunate.

How does one say thank you to people who make conscious choices to hold you up when you can't even seem to find your footing to stand?! How does one say thank you to individuals who selfishly give and give of themselves as you go through one trial after another? How does one day thank you to people who never think of giving up on you? How does one say thank you to friends that consider it a privilege to listen to me 'whine', spend time with my kids, or most honoring...a privilege to know me & be a part of my life? My messy life.

Ahhh, all I can say is that my God is good. All the time. He is good in the times of trials & tribulations that I am in. He is good in my life. He is good in my grief. He is good even in my suffering. He is good even when He takes away. He. Is. Good.

Really!

I am so thankful. Even in the knowledge that this 'season' is not going to end soon. I am. There is no way to understand the grief that follows losing someone unless you've been there. I never knew. But here I stand in the midst of it. And I want to tell you that one can be thankful and have full knowledge of one's blessings as pain rips through your heart. The sun does still shine.

The Son shines.

And only because my God is good.

~This is the view from my Dad's new home. Amazing isn't it. Coincidence that it allows him & any of us to see the ocean every time we need to. I think not. Even to supply us moments 'with my Mom' on a daily basis. (For those of you who don't know...My mom chose to have her ashes scattered in the water 's of Maui, rather than be buried) God really IS good all the time. Can you see the sun shining? How's about the Son? Cause He's shining all around us.~

Would You Still Trust Me?

After I hung up the phone I felt the need to be on my knees. I know now the nudge came from the only One who could see tomorrow.

The urgency resembled the moments we drove Tala to the hospital. All the way to the hospital I begged God to let her live. And just like the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I heard Him asking....'Would you still trust Me if my plan is to take you away from your children?'. But that day it was, 'Would you still trust Me if Tala doesn't live?' And later to be asked the same question about Takai.

And as I hung up the phone and fell to my knees, I heard Him asking yet again. 'Would you still trust Me if your Mom doesn't live through this?'

Answering this question is harder than it seems when one is in the midst of the 'battle'. So I won't even pretend and tell you that I immediately said, 'Yes Lord....I will trust!' No, it was more like, 'Ummm, sure.' Also, there were days for me to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in His ways. It was a daily challenge, and still is, for me to say, 'Yes, I will trust.' But I didn't have that time with my Mom. So I'm challenged to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in Him KNOWING that He chose to not allow her to live through it.

I know the statistics. All of them. My cancer should have taken me. But it didn't. The Amyliodosis, that took my Mom, had worse statistics. Actually facts. The word incurable screamed at me every time I went in for research. But this was my Mom...and He was my God. Put the two together and only good come out of it. Right?

Wrong.

The enemy had his way. The very next morning is a hell on earth that I relive many many times a day. And especially in the quiet of night. None of us were prepared for the reality of her death. Over two months later, and I still struggle to just type that word. It is surreal...a bad dream. Yeah, I know living AND dieing are a part of life. But not MY MOM!!!

It only took a few seconds for me to realize what He asked of me the day before was in preparation. He knew. He knew what the following morning would bring. So did He ask to be cruel?

No.

It was preparation. He knew and He loved me enough to prepare my heart. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm, by far, not perfect. In fact I have had many screaming at the top of my lung fits and uncontrollable sobbing parties. Usually in my car and, uh, pretty much daily. All of which have been aimed at Him. Don't worry, though....He can take it. As long as I'm trusting. Cause wasn't that the original question to begin with....'Will you trust Me no matter what?!' No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! No matter what?

I am challenge so much by her loss. There has been nothing up to this point in my life to compare. Seriously, with everything else that has gone on...nothing compares. And I am challenged greatly. Challenged to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook the food. Challenged to get up every morning. Challenged to go to the park & push my kids on the swings. Challenged to be motivated. Challenged to smile. Challenged to find joy. I know as time goes by everything will be to be better...but for now, I'm human, and I'm challenged.

But I have never once in the past couple months been challenged to keep on trusting Him....I just do it. It's as natural as breathing. And I can do it because the past 25 years have been in preparation to be able to do just that. Trust Him when one of my worst nightmares has become my reality. I'm realizing as days go by that I am blessed during this time of unmeasurable grief. I have the ability to trust Him. And only because 25 years ago today He began preparing my heart for what was to be. See, He knew what February 6, 2009 would one day hold. He knew that that my precious Mom would be going to her Heavenly Home that morning. And He loved me enough to prepare me to trust.

There have been many who have questioned my decision to 'keep my faith'. I mean after all, God let your Mom die, right? Yes, yes He did. He allowed it. Just like He allows all the other 'bad' in the world. AND just like He allows us free will. The way I see it is that I was given free will to walk into a church 25 years ago and ask my Jesus to be with me for the rest of my days. The way I see it is....He has done just that. The way I see it...only He knew how to reach the depths of her heart. The way I see it the good and the bad are going to happen. So as I think about all that has happened I realize that life really isn't about the 'events' that happen. Because no matter how 'bad' they are....we are capable of trusting the One who allows it all.

And I do. I do trust Him. Completely with my whole self.

Do you?

Could you?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5

Do You Really Want To Know?

I'm somewhat confused as to how I am supposed to answer the question...How are you?

In our society we ask that question to the majority of people we talk with during the day. The cashier, the teacher, the nurse, the attendant...it has become part of the casual greeting we exchange upon seeing someone....'Hi, how are you?'

So here I am caught walking a line of telling the truth, being tactful & making someone feel comfortable. Should I say that life sucks and I struggle pretty much every minute of the day with the hand I've been dealt? Maybe just responding with the expected, "I'm fine" is more acceptable. But acceptable to who. If we ask this question shouldn't we care about more than just the answer? Shouldn't we care about the person who is answering?! The person we are asking?!


Because I'm struggling so much and because I try to be tactful, more times than not, I tend to just reply with a "I'm fine" or "I'm good". I'm realizing as I sink into a deeper abyss of loneliness & heartache that I'm doing it even with those close to me.


It's just easier.

Easier than facing it all head on. Easier than talking about it. Easier than having the 'wrong', or is it 'right'?, question asked. Easier for fear that the question, 'How are you?' is being asked just for the heck of it. Easier than facing rejection.



With such extremes going on in my life, I have come to accept that there will be rejection. So many have chosen to walk away because of these extremes being too extreme. I get it. Totally. It really is a lot to take in. I'm actually in full swing of trying to come to grips with this type of rejection. So when you tie the two together -'how are you?' & rejection - it really is hard for someone in my position to even know where to begin to understand how to answer that question. I'm not always sure.

Soooooo. If you're reading this. And you're one who asks me....just tenderly let me know how you want my answer to lean.


The standard answer or honest one.


But the biggest lesson beyond all of that is that being asked is truly important for survival. Not being asked at all is the highest form of rejection. Well, at least it is in my book right now. So thank you to each of you who has taken time to ask. To know that you care deeply is what carries me at times.

I Plan to Keep Dancing

(scroll to the bottom and pause my playlist before watching videos)

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...





it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

By Way of the Angels

I opened up a book that I share with a few friends of mine. A book about friendship....

It's been awhile since I opened it. Needless to say I was taken aback when the chapter I left off reading was, WIND BENEATH MY WINGS: Celebrating Our Mothers

I literally sucked in my breathe as the tears were already flowing down my cheeks. I wondered if I had the strength at that very moment. It's one thing to miss her constantly, but another to actually sit in quiet and face her being gone head on. Most times I 'walk' away from those moments cause they are still so new and it is all so very raw. The pain is truly unbearable.

But I ventured forth. Here is the first thing that I read...

By Way of the Angels

Caroline Honn

***

She knows.

Our love is more

than bear hugs & Hallmark cards,

more than plane tickets & books

& homemade jams

all packed together on the same day

in one giant priority mail box.

She knows we love

more than words, more than tears,

more than time.

It is so through her love for us~

unbound, timeless,

too large for life itself to comprehend

but through the God who made us.

She knows we love her big;

and the word goodbye wasn't an option~

not while there were loved ones to visit

and little doll clothes to make,

not while there was still "stuff" to talk about.

She's in and out of our consciousness,

in and out of our breath as we absorb

the realization that she's in our hearts

now more profoundly than ever.

Knowing this will need to be enough

until we meet again

to celebrate forever.

By way of the angels~we love her big.

***

The reality of what has happened has set in full force. I have not had a moment go by that tears are not right there waiting to fall. And I'm realizing that my memories, thoughts & feelings will have to be enough right now. Right now that hurts. Deeply.

But I am praying that someday I will be able to share the sentiment that Caroline Honn shares about her mother. "There is nothing more fulfilling than experiencing the transformation of suffering and loss into a profound sense of the real God in our lives. A mother's love goes far beyond this world."

My Mom

It can only be assumed that the many posts to follow will be about the most influential woman in my life.

My Mom.

She truly was an exceptional person. And I know without a shadow of a doubt how perfectly blessed I was to be able to be her daughter & friend.

For those who did not have the pleasure...let me introduce you to my mother....


My Sister, Mom & Me

One of my favorite pictures ever!