Transparency~Take 2

In the midst of wife & mommy stuff, medical stuff & grieving I've also been working on being even more transparent than this. It's making some uncomfortably uncomfortable, some glad I'm going to the next step, some feeling like they can relate, and others even feeling like they can finally come out and share the things they've hidden deep within.

Honestly, it is easy to loss sight of this 'task' that God has called me too. It is much simpler to just fit into the norm and be like the world wants. Criticism can seem like cast iron bats to the heart. To have those who claim to 'get it' throw it all in your face....well, let's just say that simpler times are longed for once in awhile.

Also, I do hold back often. It's hard. Having those you trust know your deepest hurts, thoughts and insecurities is hard enough. To add to that, all of you whom I don't even hardly know...Wow! It's tough being transparent over and over again with the sacred parts of my heart. There's a trust that goes into sharing with someone. And in this fashion, of blogging....I'm not always sure if the trust goes both ways. My words have, even with my closest of friends, been turned inside out and upside down and used against me. So what do I do?

I plan to keep on keeping on.

My God has called me to it...so I must do it!!!!!

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. ~Ephesians 6:19-20

This is the verse that I have always prayed over this site. Please pray for me as I continue to expose my heart. That as I speak, I am fearless in my witness of the gospel. Only bringing glory to the One and True God.

.......and none to myself.

Meditating

I have been spending much time lately meditating on Him.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. ~Psalm 55:22

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what it unseen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from you mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:7-9

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man

I love kids music. The lyrics are usually pretty simple and to the point. I don't usually have to listen to them a million times to try and figure out what the message is. We've been listening to the Veggie Tales a lot lately in our car rides. My kids LOVE to sing along LOUDLY with these musical vegetables. One song has been stuck in my head for days. 'God Is Bigger Than The Boogie Man'

Hello??!! Even the title of this one explains itself. :)

I am reminded that God IS bigger than the 'boogie man'. Boogie man = Satan...and all the junk that he throws our way. And lets not beat around the bush...he's been working full time around here these past few years. I honestly feel like he's pulled up his best sleeping bag, popped up a tent and plans to stay as long as there's s'mores for roasting. And believe me, I'm dumb enough, even in my wisdom, that I keep giving him more and more to put in the fire. Doh!

So when I'm with my kids just being silly, it's been refreshing to have them and little veggies remind me where my faith needs to lie. I don't need to be afraid of all the 'monsters', 'boogie men' & 'scary noises'. He IS watching out for me. He IS taking care of me. HE IS BIGGER!!!

(Just in case you felt left out and wanted to hear this profound song....I leave you to your pleasure =o))

4 Months

It's been 4 months.

I can't even comprehend that my sweet Mother has been gone 4 whole months. Well over 160 days. Days that I have not been able to talk with her or be with her. I would give most anything just to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. Do you know how refreshing it would be to know she was coming for a visit? I would love just to be able to have one more day with her.

But I wake up each day & go to bed every night knowing that this side of Heaven will not provide such things.

I'm sad that she's gone. I'm sad that this really is reality for me and my family. I'm sad that it's been 4 months and it still feels like day 1. I'm sad that when it's 444 months it will probably still feel like this.

I miss her & I'm sad.

What gets me through me days? The most important part....the part that makes me happy. In fact, it makes me rejoice. It's in knowing that one day, one glorious day, I will be able to turn from my Jesus' arms to the arms of my Mom. I will be with her again someday. And when that day comes, I will never have to say goodbye again.

Jarred's Graduation

My nephew's graduation was a special moment for our family tonight. He's the oldest of all the kids. The first grandchild. We are all so proud of him.

Jarred w/Mom & Dad

Jarred w/Grandpa

Jarred w/Uncle Chad


Jarred w/ me


Jarred w/ all the kids

Jarred w/his bro & sis being goofy



CONGRATULATIONS, JARRED!!!!!!

All Together Again

My Dad hates to travel. He's rather be home on his tropical rock. But this week he came to see all of us for my nephew's graduation. Having my Dad here has meant the world to me. The reality is I will never be graced by my Mom's presence this side of Heaven. But being with him sure does help me feel closer to her. Sure, it's brought the tears out of hiding much more often these past few days. And, of course, my emotions are seemingly raw. But all worth it! I wish there was some way for us all to be together all the time. It's bittersweet time that seems to help heal in a way no other can. And the topper this week so far is that we are ALL TOGETHER! My brother decided to come too for a couple of days. Aaahhh, very soothing.

Have we done anything special? No, not really. Just spend time together so far. But when you look at the big picture for all of us...I think that IS what's special. We are blessed with this time together so soon after losing my Mom. Normally, our two special men would not make this trip so willingly (the dislike for traveling, ya know?). But they're here and we are savoring the taste of this time together...even though some moments are somewhat bitter.

If we come to mind, we would covet any prayers laid at His feet on our behalf. The misconception that the world seems to have on the subject of death is that time will heal. Well, maybe A LOT of time. But for now, time has not healed. In fact it's done just the opposite. It's brought about the reality that this IS our reality. She's not with us anymore. It really is a stark reality if I must say so. Not one that time has done a whole lot for so far. In fact, I think it's gonna be a long, long, long while before time really is a factor here.

So for now, I relish in my few days with the ones I love. And make more memories to hold close to my heart.

All the Time

I was asked today, when it is the hardest? When does it hurt the worst?

Anytime I think of her. Anytime she comes to mind. Anytime something 'helps' me to remember her.

All the time it is hard. All the time it hurts unbearably.

If I allow myself to go to the place of letting my emotions feel their depth....then that is when it is truly the hardest & the worst.

I don't allow myself to go to that place often.....