Anniversary #3~'loneliness'

After 6 months of 'silence' I think it's time to touch base. But before I do, I want to warn you this comes with a 'bluntness & honesty' rating. I'm about to go beyond my usual realm and be even more transparent than I usually am...

When I was diagnosed my life (my family's lives) changed forever. But with that came so many blessings. People came from all over to help and assist us in so many ways. These people came to mean the world to me. But over time things have changed. It has gone from having so many around to literally having no one. I went 10 months before I could get into my chemo appointment. There just was no one willing to watch the kids. Many have suggested emailing out a schedule so 'friends' could help....tried that....all with the 'no' response. Oh, don't get me wrong. I totally get that other's have there own lives. And before the transformation that God has done on my heart through all this, I would have totally been upset. But no, I'm not. It's the reality of our world. Human nature is to have a natural cycle of give & take. But in my world....I have had to be the 'taker' for too long with people. And because I can't 'give' a whole lot right now...most everyone has walked away. Understandable so. And please don't get me wrong on this either...I am blessed! I have dear sweet friends in my life. BUT they all live far away. Within this city, this state...I am left alone.

So why tell all this? Because I want you to know how important you are to me. Those that do want to stick by me and continue to pray, to take time to read my thoughts. But in all honesty, this site causes me pain. It has been my link to the world during all the 'junk' we have gone through. And although there is not a whole lot of 'big' medical stuff going one....our lives are still GREATLY affected daily by the aftermath that cancer has brought. Everyday is still full of huge struggles. Added on to this is losing my mom and going that alone too. And of course there is so much that is 'behind the scenes' private stuff that needs to stay within our four walls. So again, why tell you this...

Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of finding out the news of cancer entering my life. It is a day forever embedded in my soul as being 'life-changing'. Looking back, I summed up the 1st year as one of ‘miracles’ and the second year as ‘toilsome’. And now when I think of one word to describe this past year…’loneliness’. It’s been a tough one…the toughest of my life. Those closest to me are not there anymore for various reasons. The pain I hold within me is sometimes a weight I don’t know if I can carry. I’m still fighting for my life everyone moment…but now I do it alone. Cancer definitely has an 'aftermath' that I was not prepared for.

But thankfully, as my heart aches and doesn’t always ‘feel’ my Savior…He has blessed me with the foreknowledge to ‘know’ what is. And what is is Him! It’s all about Him. I seek Him & I claim Him. No matter the cost of these daily treks I’ve been called to…It IS all about Him.

So as I continue to walk this road, and if it calls me to be ‘silent’ from this site for a while again…please always know how much YOUR love and investment into my live means.

Transparency~Take 2

In the midst of wife & mommy stuff, medical stuff & grieving I've also been working on being even more transparent than this. It's making some uncomfortably uncomfortable, some glad I'm going to the next step, some feeling like they can relate, and others even feeling like they can finally come out and share the things they've hidden deep within.

Honestly, it is easy to loss sight of this 'task' that God has called me too. It is much simpler to just fit into the norm and be like the world wants. Criticism can seem like cast iron bats to the heart. To have those who claim to 'get it' throw it all in your face....well, let's just say that simpler times are longed for once in awhile.

Also, I do hold back often. It's hard. Having those you trust know your deepest hurts, thoughts and insecurities is hard enough. To add to that, all of you whom I don't even hardly know...Wow! It's tough being transparent over and over again with the sacred parts of my heart. There's a trust that goes into sharing with someone. And in this fashion, of blogging....I'm not always sure if the trust goes both ways. My words have, even with my closest of friends, been turned inside out and upside down and used against me. So what do I do?

I plan to keep on keeping on.

My God has called me to it...so I must do it!!!!!

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. ~Ephesians 6:19-20

This is the verse that I have always prayed over this site. Please pray for me as I continue to expose my heart. That as I speak, I am fearless in my witness of the gospel. Only bringing glory to the One and True God.

.......and none to myself.

Meditating

I have been spending much time lately meditating on Him.

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall. ~Psalm 55:22

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving weighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what it unseen is eternal. ~2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from you mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord you God will be with you wherever you go. ~Joshua 1:7-9

God is Bigger than the Boogie Man

I love kids music. The lyrics are usually pretty simple and to the point. I don't usually have to listen to them a million times to try and figure out what the message is. We've been listening to the Veggie Tales a lot lately in our car rides. My kids LOVE to sing along LOUDLY with these musical vegetables. One song has been stuck in my head for days. 'God Is Bigger Than The Boogie Man'

Hello??!! Even the title of this one explains itself. :)

I am reminded that God IS bigger than the 'boogie man'. Boogie man = Satan...and all the junk that he throws our way. And lets not beat around the bush...he's been working full time around here these past few years. I honestly feel like he's pulled up his best sleeping bag, popped up a tent and plans to stay as long as there's s'mores for roasting. And believe me, I'm dumb enough, even in my wisdom, that I keep giving him more and more to put in the fire. Doh!

So when I'm with my kids just being silly, it's been refreshing to have them and little veggies remind me where my faith needs to lie. I don't need to be afraid of all the 'monsters', 'boogie men' & 'scary noises'. He IS watching out for me. He IS taking care of me. HE IS BIGGER!!!

(Just in case you felt left out and wanted to hear this profound song....I leave you to your pleasure =o))

4 Months

It's been 4 months.

I can't even comprehend that my sweet Mother has been gone 4 whole months. Well over 160 days. Days that I have not been able to talk with her or be with her. I would give most anything just to be able to pick up the phone and hear her voice. Do you know how refreshing it would be to know she was coming for a visit? I would love just to be able to have one more day with her.

But I wake up each day & go to bed every night knowing that this side of Heaven will not provide such things.

I'm sad that she's gone. I'm sad that this really is reality for me and my family. I'm sad that it's been 4 months and it still feels like day 1. I'm sad that when it's 444 months it will probably still feel like this.

I miss her & I'm sad.

What gets me through me days? The most important part....the part that makes me happy. In fact, it makes me rejoice. It's in knowing that one day, one glorious day, I will be able to turn from my Jesus' arms to the arms of my Mom. I will be with her again someday. And when that day comes, I will never have to say goodbye again.

Jarred's Graduation

My nephew's graduation was a special moment for our family tonight. He's the oldest of all the kids. The first grandchild. We are all so proud of him.

Jarred w/Mom & Dad

Jarred w/Grandpa

Jarred w/Uncle Chad


Jarred w/ me


Jarred w/ all the kids

Jarred w/his bro & sis being goofy



CONGRATULATIONS, JARRED!!!!!!

All Together Again

My Dad hates to travel. He's rather be home on his tropical rock. But this week he came to see all of us for my nephew's graduation. Having my Dad here has meant the world to me. The reality is I will never be graced by my Mom's presence this side of Heaven. But being with him sure does help me feel closer to her. Sure, it's brought the tears out of hiding much more often these past few days. And, of course, my emotions are seemingly raw. But all worth it! I wish there was some way for us all to be together all the time. It's bittersweet time that seems to help heal in a way no other can. And the topper this week so far is that we are ALL TOGETHER! My brother decided to come too for a couple of days. Aaahhh, very soothing.

Have we done anything special? No, not really. Just spend time together so far. But when you look at the big picture for all of us...I think that IS what's special. We are blessed with this time together so soon after losing my Mom. Normally, our two special men would not make this trip so willingly (the dislike for traveling, ya know?). But they're here and we are savoring the taste of this time together...even though some moments are somewhat bitter.

If we come to mind, we would covet any prayers laid at His feet on our behalf. The misconception that the world seems to have on the subject of death is that time will heal. Well, maybe A LOT of time. But for now, time has not healed. In fact it's done just the opposite. It's brought about the reality that this IS our reality. She's not with us anymore. It really is a stark reality if I must say so. Not one that time has done a whole lot for so far. In fact, I think it's gonna be a long, long, long while before time really is a factor here.

So for now, I relish in my few days with the ones I love. And make more memories to hold close to my heart.

All the Time

I was asked today, when it is the hardest? When does it hurt the worst?

Anytime I think of her. Anytime she comes to mind. Anytime something 'helps' me to remember her.

All the time it is hard. All the time it hurts unbearably.

If I allow myself to go to the place of letting my emotions feel their depth....then that is when it is truly the hardest & the worst.

I don't allow myself to go to that place often.....

Engraved

~love, beauty, courage & respect~

When I looked up the meaning for a 'red' rose...these were the first 4 words. Do you know what else this defines? My mom. She was love in it's truest form. She may have come across as 'hard' to those who did not know her well...but it didn't take long was you spent time with her to realize that she was complete beauty. Inside & out. And her courage went from one end of the earth to the other. She never let fear stop her in tackling anything placed before her. Everything was done completely & head on. And because of these three other characteristics, one couldn't help but come to respect her. She was the real deal.

She also loved red roses. They held special meaning to her. She had many pictures & items throughout her house reflecting the red rose. She even had one tattooed on her ankle. Everyone who knew her well, knew that this was her 'thing'.

I have written your name on the palms of my hands. ~ Isaiah 49:16

This verse has always held special meaning to me ever since I read my friend, Christina's thoughts on it. I truly do believe God prepares us for what is to come sometimes. And this is one of those cases for me. The entry that Christina wrote about her beloved Judson in relation to this verse is one that I reread many times. Why? I was never sure. I even questioned it. I mean if you spend anytime reading anything from Christina....it ALL draws you in. She is a gifted writer for sure. So why this entry?

Preparation for the days that were to come in my world. Preparation to make a choice for a loved one that I will always hold dear.

My mom.

I knew almost immediately what I would be doing.

While I was home on Maui, I engraved this on my wrist. (Well, not me personally, a tattoo artist did it :)) It is a symbol I see many times every single day. It's a permanent reminder of my mom. Her character of love, beauty, courage & respect. And although it was decided to do this to honor her...It was placed strategically to honor the One who gave her to me. The One who permanently & forever engraved me on the palms of His hands. Every time I look at it my heart is filled with a depth of emotion that places both my feet on Holy Ground. Death has seemed to help me know the full capacity of Life. And getting this tattoo has been a visual reminder of that throughout my days.

(Although I value all opinions of those who love the Lord & love me....this entry is not intended to be an open forum & debate on whether or not a tattoo is right or wrong in the Biblical sense. It really is okay if we differ in this area. I mean, one of my closest & dearest friends, 'Bobby', completely holds opposite standards on this subject. But he loves & respects me regardless of the TWO tattoos that I fashion.....and I certainly don't hold it against him that he has chosen to shy away from the ink. We are both children of the same God. And our love for each other & the Father is not altered because we differ in this area. This entry was written solely to draw you to the most intense Love that we have ever had lavished upon us. ~I have written your name on the palms of my hands.~)

By Faith, Not Sight

I found the follow little story on a friends CaringBridge site. I've never read this....but I love it. Out of the mouths of babes.......

One Nation, 'Under God'.
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children.

The TEACHER asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky..


TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.


TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist….

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the LITTLE GIRL asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?


TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?


TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?


TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?


TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!


'FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT' ~II CORINTHIANS 5:7

Somebody sure is raising their kids right!

Home Is Where God Is

I got a beautiful card from a friend a little bit ago. I've been carrying it everywhere. It has been helping me keep perspective during the tough moments. I wanted to share what was written on the front of it....



Home Is Where God Is


There's no place like home,
and there's no home like the one
God is preparing for us someday.

We cling to the familiar, not understanding
that a far greater miracle awaits us
when we cross from this life into eternity.

There, Jesus waits to escort His own
into a place of sweet peace & blessed rest.

There, we can finally see with veil removed
the beauty which our souls
have so longed to know.

There, our loved ones wait with eager anticipation
for us to celebrate with them
the joys for which we were ultimately created.

If we were allowed one glimpse of that place,
our real home, we would not hold too tightly
to the ones gone before us.

Instead, we would grieve because we cannot
go with them ~ because home, after all,
is where God is.

~Rebecca Barlow Jordan

Thank you, Lisa, for taking time to bless me with a perfect card for such a time as this.

Mother's Day without...

It's the end of my first Mother's Day without my mom. And honestly....it was horrible. Other words that come to mind are heart wrenching, exhausting, sad, lonely, surreal, and just plain miserable. I know it should have been made better being with my own kids. And, by all means, it did. But there is no mistaking the emptiness that has weighted itself upon me since last night.

I miss my Mom more than words could ever express. It's been 3 months and nothing, absolutely nothing, is easier about it. Time has not healed, yet. I just want to talk with her, make plans with her...I want to know that she's still here. Reality is not what I want.

I will say this though...I realized as I dragged myself through this day...that I will forever be grateful to the One who so perfectly blessed me with an irreplaceable mother and the bestest of friends. Mother's Day did truly suck. But I'm sure it's because I'm missing one terrific lady...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM!!!

Crater

Mourning is not disbelieving flooded eyes don't represent a faithless heart. A person can enter a cemetery - certain of life after death - and still have a Twin Tower crater in their heart. Christ did. He wept and he knew he was ten minutes away from seeing a living Lazarus! And His tears give you permission to shed your own...So grieve, but don't grieve like those who don't know the rest of the story. ~Max Lucado

Although I am certain of the rest of the story, there is a very large crater that exist within my heart. And it's not going anywhere anytime soon......

Messy Arguments

This week should have been about missing my mom and all the new stuff going on with my heart. But no, that was not the case. Last Friday there was a sudden change at Tala's school. Her teacher resigned and there was an abrupt need for my daughter to adjust, yet again, to major change in her life. The piece of my heart that is reserved just for her seemed to break into a million pieces as she asked my why was everyone leaving her? First, Grandma & and now my teacher.

Now people, I do know that is an 8 year talking...through emotions. But still, break my heart.


Monday comes and in the midst of preparing for my appointment with the cardiologist...a dear friend seems to have made the decision that our friendship is just not beneficial to her anymore. This friendship is a deep part of me.


The week progresses with these two incidences at the forefront of my mind and heart. Arguments, disagreements, fighting, communication, trust, discernment, consequences are just a few of the things that I was facing during my quiet moments. As I cried out to God, trying to figure out all the 'details' on both accounts...He revealed His very heart on the matter.
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Messy Arguments… “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.” Proverbs 17:14


Messy arguments are the result of fighting in the flesh. It is relational suicide and can cause wounds that won’t easily be forgotten. Anger is the primary driver behind messy arguments. Hard feelings are unable to get past not being heard, or not getting its way. For productive discussions over disagreements, level heads must prevail.


Spirit-filled followers of Jesus have the capacity to not only fight fair, but disagree respectfully while seeking to understand the others’ point of view. If your mind is already made up, then there is little possibility for positive relational results. Your friendship does not have to be sacrificed to make a point. In fact, people grow deeper in love and respect when they first bring their disagreements to the Lord, and let Him lead their lives.


Ask, ‘What does God think?’ Because you do not argue with the Almighty, “Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker…” (Isaiah 45:9). Bickering is marginalized when two people review God’s game plan for disagreements (Matthew 18:15-17).


Lastly, once you make your point clearly, concisely and maturely you can trust the Lord and the responsible parties to do the right thing. Everyone is accountable, so the actions sown will reap consequences, good or bad. Therefore prayerfully ask, ‘Am I full of grace and truth in my communications?’ ‘Do I honor others, especially those with whom I disagree?’ A pure heart prevents messy arguments. “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4:1)
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As I opened up my devotion today...that is what God gave me. I felt myself breathe easier knowing exactly what I am to do. What I am called to do. It doesn't matter what anyone else's choices or actions are. I am not to resort to the gossip, I am not to resort to the arguing, I am not to resort to the bitterness. I am called to honor others and keep my heart pure so that grace can prevail to allow Him to shine through.

So, as I choose to take the necessary actions to step out of these 'messy arguments'...I look forward to seeing what next week will bring. And between you & me, I sure hope it's less full of the unexpected. :)

Good Morning Sunshine!

My world somewhat came to a abrupt halt the day my Mom passed away. The time spent at home (Maui) brought about a great start to the grieving process that we were all undeniably having to walk. I was overloaded by the love & aloha that was shown to me and my entire family. Beyond the acts of unselfish generosity to actually fly so many of us home...even the littlest of things were thought of. There really will never be a way to express fully how each person & each 'act' made & continues to make our healing just a little bit easier. Because it's all so overwhelming during a time of mourning, the thank you card, thank you calls, etc....just seem to be out of our reach of energy & emotions right now. In time for sure. But for now I think it truly is one of those 'pay if forward' type of things.

I've been home(Boulder City) now for close to 2 months now. The reality of what has happened has hit me full force. My sister & I are in the same town. A couple of streets away from one another. That helps tremendously. But the separation from our whole family is tough. Anyone from Hawaii knows that things are done different there. Aloha. It's more than just a way to say hello or goodbye. It's a lifestyle. It 'surrounds' you. And now that I'm back here, I'm somewhat lost without it.

I have a call every morning. I say hello. And I'm greeted with, 'GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!'. Every single day, folks. Someone loves me enough to call everyday to make sure I know that they know that it's not any easier yet. And to top that off...I can think of at least 5 other friends that reach out many times throughout the week. And so many others that have taken time to let me know that they continue to care. I am loved. I am blessed. And I know I am fortunate.

How does one say thank you to people who make conscious choices to hold you up when you can't even seem to find your footing to stand?! How does one say thank you to individuals who selfishly give and give of themselves as you go through one trial after another? How does one day thank you to people who never think of giving up on you? How does one say thank you to friends that consider it a privilege to listen to me 'whine', spend time with my kids, or most honoring...a privilege to know me & be a part of my life? My messy life.

Ahhh, all I can say is that my God is good. All the time. He is good in the times of trials & tribulations that I am in. He is good in my life. He is good in my grief. He is good even in my suffering. He is good even when He takes away. He. Is. Good.

Really!

I am so thankful. Even in the knowledge that this 'season' is not going to end soon. I am. There is no way to understand the grief that follows losing someone unless you've been there. I never knew. But here I stand in the midst of it. And I want to tell you that one can be thankful and have full knowledge of one's blessings as pain rips through your heart. The sun does still shine.

The Son shines.

And only because my God is good.

~This is the view from my Dad's new home. Amazing isn't it. Coincidence that it allows him & any of us to see the ocean every time we need to. I think not. Even to supply us moments 'with my Mom' on a daily basis. (For those of you who don't know...My mom chose to have her ashes scattered in the water 's of Maui, rather than be buried) God really IS good all the time. Can you see the sun shining? How's about the Son? Cause He's shining all around us.~

Would You Still Trust Me?

After I hung up the phone I felt the need to be on my knees. I know now the nudge came from the only One who could see tomorrow.

The urgency resembled the moments we drove Tala to the hospital. All the way to the hospital I begged God to let her live. And just like the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I heard Him asking....'Would you still trust Me if my plan is to take you away from your children?'. But that day it was, 'Would you still trust Me if Tala doesn't live?' And later to be asked the same question about Takai.

And as I hung up the phone and fell to my knees, I heard Him asking yet again. 'Would you still trust Me if your Mom doesn't live through this?'

Answering this question is harder than it seems when one is in the midst of the 'battle'. So I won't even pretend and tell you that I immediately said, 'Yes Lord....I will trust!' No, it was more like, 'Ummm, sure.' Also, there were days for me to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in His ways. It was a daily challenge, and still is, for me to say, 'Yes, I will trust.' But I didn't have that time with my Mom. So I'm challenged to dive into His Word, talk with others and grow in Him KNOWING that He chose to not allow her to live through it.

I know the statistics. All of them. My cancer should have taken me. But it didn't. The Amyliodosis, that took my Mom, had worse statistics. Actually facts. The word incurable screamed at me every time I went in for research. But this was my Mom...and He was my God. Put the two together and only good come out of it. Right?

Wrong.

The enemy had his way. The very next morning is a hell on earth that I relive many many times a day. And especially in the quiet of night. None of us were prepared for the reality of her death. Over two months later, and I still struggle to just type that word. It is surreal...a bad dream. Yeah, I know living AND dieing are a part of life. But not MY MOM!!!

It only took a few seconds for me to realize what He asked of me the day before was in preparation. He knew. He knew what the following morning would bring. So did He ask to be cruel?

No.

It was preparation. He knew and He loved me enough to prepare my heart. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm, by far, not perfect. In fact I have had many screaming at the top of my lung fits and uncontrollable sobbing parties. Usually in my car and, uh, pretty much daily. All of which have been aimed at Him. Don't worry, though....He can take it. As long as I'm trusting. Cause wasn't that the original question to begin with....'Will you trust Me no matter what?!' No matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! No matter what?

I am challenge so much by her loss. There has been nothing up to this point in my life to compare. Seriously, with everything else that has gone on...nothing compares. And I am challenged greatly. Challenged to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook the food. Challenged to get up every morning. Challenged to go to the park & push my kids on the swings. Challenged to be motivated. Challenged to smile. Challenged to find joy. I know as time goes by everything will be to be better...but for now, I'm human, and I'm challenged.

But I have never once in the past couple months been challenged to keep on trusting Him....I just do it. It's as natural as breathing. And I can do it because the past 25 years have been in preparation to be able to do just that. Trust Him when one of my worst nightmares has become my reality. I'm realizing as days go by that I am blessed during this time of unmeasurable grief. I have the ability to trust Him. And only because 25 years ago today He began preparing my heart for what was to be. See, He knew what February 6, 2009 would one day hold. He knew that that my precious Mom would be going to her Heavenly Home that morning. And He loved me enough to prepare me to trust.

There have been many who have questioned my decision to 'keep my faith'. I mean after all, God let your Mom die, right? Yes, yes He did. He allowed it. Just like He allows all the other 'bad' in the world. AND just like He allows us free will. The way I see it is that I was given free will to walk into a church 25 years ago and ask my Jesus to be with me for the rest of my days. The way I see it is....He has done just that. The way I see it...only He knew how to reach the depths of her heart. The way I see it the good and the bad are going to happen. So as I think about all that has happened I realize that life really isn't about the 'events' that happen. Because no matter how 'bad' they are....we are capable of trusting the One who allows it all.

And I do. I do trust Him. Completely with my whole self.

Do you?

Could you?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. ~Proverbs 3:5

Do You Really Want To Know?

I'm somewhat confused as to how I am supposed to answer the question...How are you?

In our society we ask that question to the majority of people we talk with during the day. The cashier, the teacher, the nurse, the attendant...it has become part of the casual greeting we exchange upon seeing someone....'Hi, how are you?'

So here I am caught walking a line of telling the truth, being tactful & making someone feel comfortable. Should I say that life sucks and I struggle pretty much every minute of the day with the hand I've been dealt? Maybe just responding with the expected, "I'm fine" is more acceptable. But acceptable to who. If we ask this question shouldn't we care about more than just the answer? Shouldn't we care about the person who is answering?! The person we are asking?!


Because I'm struggling so much and because I try to be tactful, more times than not, I tend to just reply with a "I'm fine" or "I'm good". I'm realizing as I sink into a deeper abyss of loneliness & heartache that I'm doing it even with those close to me.


It's just easier.

Easier than facing it all head on. Easier than talking about it. Easier than having the 'wrong', or is it 'right'?, question asked. Easier for fear that the question, 'How are you?' is being asked just for the heck of it. Easier than facing rejection.



With such extremes going on in my life, I have come to accept that there will be rejection. So many have chosen to walk away because of these extremes being too extreme. I get it. Totally. It really is a lot to take in. I'm actually in full swing of trying to come to grips with this type of rejection. So when you tie the two together -'how are you?' & rejection - it really is hard for someone in my position to even know where to begin to understand how to answer that question. I'm not always sure.

Soooooo. If you're reading this. And you're one who asks me....just tenderly let me know how you want my answer to lean.


The standard answer or honest one.


But the biggest lesson beyond all of that is that being asked is truly important for survival. Not being asked at all is the highest form of rejection. Well, at least it is in my book right now. So thank you to each of you who has taken time to ask. To know that you care deeply is what carries me at times.

I Plan to Keep Dancing

(scroll to the bottom and pause my playlist before watching videos)

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...





it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

By Way of the Angels

I opened up a book that I share with a few friends of mine. A book about friendship....

It's been awhile since I opened it. Needless to say I was taken aback when the chapter I left off reading was, WIND BENEATH MY WINGS: Celebrating Our Mothers

I literally sucked in my breathe as the tears were already flowing down my cheeks. I wondered if I had the strength at that very moment. It's one thing to miss her constantly, but another to actually sit in quiet and face her being gone head on. Most times I 'walk' away from those moments cause they are still so new and it is all so very raw. The pain is truly unbearable.

But I ventured forth. Here is the first thing that I read...

By Way of the Angels

Caroline Honn

***

She knows.

Our love is more

than bear hugs & Hallmark cards,

more than plane tickets & books

& homemade jams

all packed together on the same day

in one giant priority mail box.

She knows we love

more than words, more than tears,

more than time.

It is so through her love for us~

unbound, timeless,

too large for life itself to comprehend

but through the God who made us.

She knows we love her big;

and the word goodbye wasn't an option~

not while there were loved ones to visit

and little doll clothes to make,

not while there was still "stuff" to talk about.

She's in and out of our consciousness,

in and out of our breath as we absorb

the realization that she's in our hearts

now more profoundly than ever.

Knowing this will need to be enough

until we meet again

to celebrate forever.

By way of the angels~we love her big.

***

The reality of what has happened has set in full force. I have not had a moment go by that tears are not right there waiting to fall. And I'm realizing that my memories, thoughts & feelings will have to be enough right now. Right now that hurts. Deeply.

But I am praying that someday I will be able to share the sentiment that Caroline Honn shares about her mother. "There is nothing more fulfilling than experiencing the transformation of suffering and loss into a profound sense of the real God in our lives. A mother's love goes far beyond this world."

My Mom

It can only be assumed that the many posts to follow will be about the most influential woman in my life.

My Mom.

She truly was an exceptional person. And I know without a shadow of a doubt how perfectly blessed I was to be able to be her daughter & friend.

For those who did not have the pleasure...let me introduce you to my mother....


My Sister, Mom & Me

One of my favorite pictures ever!

Romans 5:3-5

I have so much I want to share. But tonight, I am tired, hurting & feeling defeated. So I am simply going to read these verses over and over again. Allowing them to soak into the deepest parts of my heart, mind & soul. Soon I will come and share my broken heart. For now, I share this:

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." - Romans 5:3-5

Grieving

(This email is being sent to ALL addresses within Linda Tamanaha, Shannon Pinkard & Stacy Mantia’s contacts. Because I do not know each person on those lists….please excuse if this was sent to you & your relationship to the below is not appropriate.)

Hi Friends and Family

I am writing to you on behalf of the Tamanaha/Pinkard/Mantia Family to let you know of the unexpected passing of their mom, Linda last Friday. And to fill you in on a few details regarding Linda's passing. Most of you have no idea who I am and that's okay, the main thing you need to know is that I am a close family friend and that I have a deep connection and love for Linda and Eddie as well as Shannon, Stacy, Chad and their families. I just wanted to do this for them as it would relieve one more thing from the "to do" list that seems to be mounting as seconds tick by and to ease the difficulty of having to share this with you. With that said, for those of you who don't know, early last year Linda was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure (CHF); however, the doctors were not quite sure of the cause of the CHF and were running several different tests to rule out many of the common factors that are associated with CHF. When I last visited with Linda on Maui last July, she was in great spirits and was showing symptoms of CHF but they weren't bad. In December, after a complete run down of her health history and several blood draws, scans, and x-rays, Linda was diagnosed with Amyloidosis. Amyloidosis is a group of diseases that result from a particular protein, called amyloid, depositing itself in different tissues of the body. Amyloid protein can be deposited in a certain area and may not be harmful or only affect a single tissue of the body; however, in hearing the bits and pieces of all that Linda was suffering with in the last week of her life I believe, after my own research and conversations with a friend of mine who is a doctor, it seems that Linda's CHF was a result of Primary Amyloidosis; the form of Amyloidosis that is not localized but deposits Amyloids in several different organs causing them to weaken and eventually fail.


For those of you who know Linda personally, you know the type of person she is. She is definitely not a quitter and she likes to get things done without procrastinating. I am most certain that she knew exactly what she was battling. I also have no doubt that she did her darndest to fight this disease and that she was willing to do what it took to beat it. Linda had a tenacity to get the job done and get it done right, but she also had a side to her that was compassionate and fun. She loved her family and spent her life making sure that they had the best that she had to offer. When I visited with her last July, her focus was not on herself but on the minor health issues that Eddie was having, on the health issues that Shannon was also dealing with, the well being of Stacy & Wayne and of Chad. Her grandchildren meant the world to her and she took every opportunity she had to fly to Nevada to be with them....she spoiled them rotten whenever she had the chance! Personally, over the years, she has been a wonderful friend and at times a very trusted confidant.


In closing, I'd like to ask for your help. Shannon, Stacy and Chad are in need of some financial help to get home to be together with Eddie as a family. There is a great deal of sorting through different things that need to be done and a great need to just be together to travel through the grieving process. As it stands right now, they themselves are struggling financially and barely making ends meet within their own families. I am confident that there are those of you who can understand the pain and loss that this is causing and the unbearable feeling of desperation that goes with trying to figure out how to get home when your pockets are empty. I know that many of you, in the last couple of years, have heard Shannon's pleas for financial assistance to help pay down most of her medical bills and the bills that have mounted on top of those but this time I'm joining her and the rest of the family in seeking your help. First and foremost I am asking that you pray and believe. Pray and believe that God will heal their broken hearts and fill in any gaps that are there, Pray and believe that God will provide peace and comfort as each on walks through their own process of grieving and lastly pray and believe that God will provide for the emotional and financial needs of this family. If there is any way you can assist financially, whether it be a dollar or a hundred dollars, now is the time to extend your graciousness. For those of you who cannot monetarily help, maybe you have some miles stored up somewhere that is not enough to use for a trip right now but can be donated or maybe you are connected to someone who works for the airlines and is able to get a cheaper confirmed rate. Whatever you can do to help out, I know it will be a blessing and simply honor the person Linda was and will always be to her family and to those of us who loved her.


Drina Labasan

I'm Asking Your Permission...

to be human.

'You need to know that you are an inspiration to me and so many other people. You're example has helped turn my life around and back to God again. The way you have walked through cancer has been done with such grace.' --- these are just a few examples of what has been expressed to me over the past couple years.

But then there's this...

"Peter said, "Master, I'm ready for anything with you. I'd go to jail for you. I'd die for you!" Jesus said, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Peter, but before the rooster crows you will have three times denied that you know me." -Luke 22:33-34

This is me. I am Peter. Although, his three is to my uncountable times that I have denied my Lord. It pains me to daily know how I am not only sinning, but denying the One who forgives me unendlessly.

I'm asking your permission to be human.

I never want to give off false pretenses of who I am. I am a sinner. Day in and day out. In the midst of my 'unbelievable faith' , as some would say.....I sin. I deny my Jesus. Over and over and over again. Do I want to be a great example for His Kingdom? Without a doubt. BUT. Without any false pretenses.

I am asking your permission to be human.

So know that although I may 'talk the talk'....like everyone else....I struggle to 'walk the walk'. But it is my deepest, most rooted desire to be able to just be a portion of what so many perceive me to be. I am an open wound that continuously needs the balm of the One & Only Healer. But, I am a sinner. I make choices that don't consist of turning in the direction of the Light.

I'm asking your permission to be human.

Believe it or not, I do slip up and cuss when I'm upset. Believe it or not, I do yell at my kids way more that I should or would like to. Believe it or not, I get frustrated way to quickly. Believe it or not, I take shortcuts all the time. Believe it or not, I don't take time out everyday to spend time with God. Believe it or not, I give in to food temptation when I'm upset or stressed. Believe it or not, I cry tears of desperation even though I know Jesus has 'got my back'. Believe it or not, I make lots and lots of goals, but then fail to do just one of them in a day. Believe it or not, I screw up each and every day. Believe it or not, I suffer from depression. Believe it or not, I struggle to find balance in my life. Believe it or not, I hate the way I look. Believe it or not, most times I lack will power to accomplish the task(s) at hand. Believe it or not, I shed tears daily. Believe it or not, I envy and have great jealousy towards others. Believe it or not, I argue with my husband all the time because I haven't learned to just stop talking. Believe it or not, even with where my God has taken me in the past 2 years...I struggle to always share openly about Him to those closest to me. Believe it or not, I am addicted to a few things that don't amount to nothing in the bigger scheme of things (Starbucks, duh. Facebook. Computer in general. And chocolate). Believe it or not, believe it or not, believe it or not.

I am so thankful that He allows me to be human because...

believe it or not....

He loves me the way I am.

Will you?

A Makeover

I love to rearrange. Although, I can't do it like I used to. I like when things are new and fresh. Since I'm limited on the physical type of rearranging...I do it where I can...on the computer is an easy choice.

So I thought it was about time for make-over here. I find when I am working on making things 'new'...God tends to do the same within me. And I know that I can always use a bit of freshening up. ;)

Hope you likey...

Every Breath

It's been tough this week to 'feel' my God. I absolutely love when my heart is full of His goodness, His peace, His assurance, His everything. But there are times that we are called just to 'do' His will. We are not always going to be able to 'feel' Him.

Have you heard the phrase, 'love is a choice'? The definition of choice is: the act of choosing. The ACT. It's action. Love is an action, not a feeling. If you think about it the feeling part of love is just an added benefit that we have been given. So when it comes to my love for God, when I'm not feeling it....I still need to choose to love Him. I need to turn my love into the action I am called to do.

It hasn't been easy. But I have been rewarded. Over and over again I have been reminded these past few days to be thankful. Okay, seriously, how am I supposed to do this with everything crumbling??!!!?! Well, here it is...

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." -I Thessalonians 4 :15

With every breath I am to be joyful, pray continually and give thanks....IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES!!! For this is His will for me. I am not asked, I am told. Just like I tell my children something to do....He expects me to do it. For two reasons....He loves me and He knows what's best.

Here's a little Shannon trivia that many don't know about me. I love Gospel Music. Always have. NO, not because of Roy....he loves hard rock (a little Roy trivia:)). This week there has been one song that has kept me focused. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to it. It has reminded me of where my focus needs to be at ALL times.

(Jimmy, Thank you my dear, sweet friend. You continue to minister to my soul. You have helped me through a very tough week. I am blessed to call you friend and even more honored to call you brother. Love you!!!)

Surviving

Life is unbearable right now. These past few days have been torture. And looking ahead there will be no let up. It is coming at us from all angles. What I share here and on my other site are just pieces of the whole picture. I have truly learned the meaning of the word, ‘surviving’. Please continue to pray for us as our world is tumbling down all around us. My sweet husband is choosing to walk this road trying to navigate it by himself. I cannot imagine his heart. Mine is torn apart and I have my sweet Savior holding it. Thank you to those who have reached out and let me know you were praying. I am clinging to the knowledge that I have so many loving us. Thank you!

(In the midst of everything happening within our home….I have, yet, had more negative comments/judgments. To these people: please realize that I try with everything I have to ‘choose the right words’. I want so much to share, but more so, to share Him. I have prayed and prayed over discontinuing my sites. But that’s just my heart being wounded. My head knows what God has called me to do…share this journey…for it is just a piece of His Story. So please, be gentle with your words & attitudes…for I am very fragile)

Update 1/11/08

Earlier today I did post a new update. Within a couple of hours, after talking with Roy and some time in prayer....I deleted it. For most of you, you did not even get a chance to read it. That's for the best. But for the few who did....I have a request. Please take into consideration the sensitivity of the material I spoke of. Please use your discretion. I know most of you come here only for the medical updates....so I try to find a balance and be sensitive with the amount of 'faith' I put out here. That being said....I do believe those of you who DID read the update were meant to read it. God saw my heart when I posted it. And I do believe He continues to be in control of our lives.

I realize the majority of you are confused by what I just said....just know that we are in need of great prayer right now. Things are not well at all. NO the cancer is not back. The post was NOT health related. But there are great things happening that are out of our control. I ask that you pray for Roy and I as we make decisions for our family that will affect a great part of our lives.

Also....a minor thing in the big scheme of everything...last night I felt the beginning of my back 'doing it's thing'. After going through the day...I'm fearing I am in the next stage of what is going to happen with my spine. If you remember...my doc said I will have a progression of the evidence of my spine being covered/eaten by the cancer. On top of everything I was alluding to above....I have been in tremendous 'new' pain today. And anytime my back acts up...there are the 'big' headaches to go along.

Sorry to come across as whiny....but we are weak right now in the face of all the enemy is still bringing on. We feel like every time we have a grasp to stand up...we are slammed down again. So the prayers you lift on our behave are so appreciated

Thank you all so much

www.shannonsjourney.com

Christmas Eve with My Clowns ;)

I haven't had a chance to post these until now. My three oldest played around for about an hour before they settled down for Santa to come. All I can say if 'goofballs'. I wish I had video taped them so you could hear them too. Enjoy!!!


Tala, Tylor & Torryn


I asked Torryn to pose for me and this is what I got...


Tala on the other hand is never afraid to pose :)


Ehhhh, I can't hear you


I love this pic...all of them totally doing their own thing.


Tala practicing her ballet skills


Ty was seriously 'into' all the fun


Torryn being a reindeer


Their karate skills were hilarious to say the least!


I love me some fun with these crazy kids!!!