Slowing Down

I had an epiphany last night.

Some think that God is NOT in the business of miracles anymore. That they are for old testament times. Some think that miracles are only things that are ''big & extravagant"...like my being healed of cancer. Some think that miracles only come to 'good' people or those who have an incredibly close walk with God.

The other night as we were all rushing to get out the door, I heard a large crash followed by a loud scream. The crash was not your normal everyday 'kid getting into something' crash. And the scream was one that pierces throughout your body. So with the water still running in the kitchen sink and dropping everything in my hands.....I ran.

The fixture behind our toilet had come loose from the wall and crashed onto Torryn. All the toiletries in the cabinet along with the glass dolphins that used to grace the two top shelves with their beauty.....ALL came down on top of him along with the wooden shelf that stands as tall as Roy. And there my baby sat crying big crocodile tears while holding his head and saying "I didn't do it".

I scooped him up to love, cuddle AND INSPECT all injuries while everyone else commented on the mess and broken glass throughout our bathroom. He had a small but big bump on the top of his head. Within 10 minutes of attention and babying he was fine. I was not.

I was quick to 'teach' all of them how blessed we were that it was not any worse. But deep inside my heart the 'what ifs' immediately started playing in my mind. (They seem to do that more often, now...and more intensely since so much has happened.) I could not get out of my head that all he had was a little bump. Believe me when I say there was a lot of stuff in the cabinet along with about 8-10 glass pieces (all but 2 broke and shattered). So many scenarios could have happened. The fear that began to grip at my heart seemed warranted. Any parent would agree that these times of our children getting hurt can turn us into emotional lunatics sometimes. I kinda went to that place.

Then the epiphany.

We fill our days with so much. Sometimes too much that it takes away from us seeing things for what they truly are. That night we were rushed and still worked at getting out the door on time. But as I cleaned the mess up later and into the next day, I had time to ponder what had happened. God gave me time to see what He had done even when I wasn't looking.

Instead of holding onto the fear of that moment which held so many 'what ifs'...I realized I needed to be doing the opposite. Realizing the miracle for what it was. God, himself. He choose to save Torryn from the unthinkable. It could of ranged from cutting his arm with some glass all the way to being knock so hard to put him into a coma...or worse. Why did none of those things happen? God, himself.

God IS in the business of miracles ALL THE TIME. Miracles do happen in our times. Miracles do NOT have to be some unbelievable turn of events. Miracles happen to anyone, no matter how good or 'religious' we may be. Miracles happen all the time...but we miss most of them.

Seeing this miracle for what it was is were the epiphany comes in.

It's so simple, but because of our busyness, we need to be reminded to slow down and see that all things good are from God. And God is the one who grants us these miracles....many which we do not take time to 'see' and be thankful for. We need to slow down in order to see God himself and all that He is doing. If we don't, we will miss the miracles.

So up until the 'shelf' incident, I was saying that Tala & Takai were here because of miracles. (Because of last years 'medical' miracles.) NOW...I've slowed down enough to know that all four of my kids, including Torryn & Tylor, are here because of His graciousness. I am just curious to know what else I have missed because I didn't take the time to see Him at work. I can guarantee that I will be thinking back to past experiences to see what things I didn't recognize for what they, or should I say, WHO they truly were.

Psalm 100

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.

Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.

2 Years, One Master

It's taken 2 years. I have always said to people (some of you may have been recipients) that you will not think of who you owe money to on your death bed. Without asking for the 'lesson', I actually learned how truly true those words are. You DO NOT think of money and finances when given life or death choices.

I remember back in June of last year when I was told that doing the Gamma Knife Radiation Surgery of my brain would NOT be covered by my insurance. Standing in front of the woman at the Gamma Knife institute as she actually thought I needed to think about which choice was best......my life or $72,000. HHHMMMMMMM.....at that moment I did not think of the consequences of just 'going for it'. (Don't get me wrong...I would do it again in a heart beat, as it did save my life.)

We have acquired thousands upon thousands in just medical. Not to mention just plain living expenses. Each and every day since this all started has been with decisions that in the end have affected our finances.

We are finally here....it's taken 2 years. We are finally buried by the financial burden that all of this has created.

Honestly, there are times that my anxiety gets the best of me and I find it hard to sleep, function and breathe. It's one thing when you have only yourselves to take care of. But Roy and I feel this weight to be so heavy, as we have four children depending on us. Not to mention how our priorities have changed. Tala's needs are a necessity. They are at the very top of our list. Our home, utilities, vehicles, food, etc have taken a back seat to the fact that what she needs is truly a NEED. (As hard as this all has been, I am thankful for this lesson....learning what's a real NEED as opposed to what we think we need.)

It's taken 2 years for me to realize that every aspect of our lives is out of our control.
So why am I allowing the Satan to have this foothold in my heart with such a menial thing such as money?

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power

and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,

for everything in heaven and earth is yours.

Yours, O Lord, is the kingdom;

you are exalted as head over all.

Wealth and honor come from you;

you are the ruler of all things.

In your hands are strength and power

to exalt and give strength to all."

-I Chronicles 29:11-12

Throughout these past 2 years I have crawled slowly toward my God. There have been so many times that I have not trusted Him for His all knowing ways that I have turned to run in the opposite direction. Whether it be my health, my kids health, material needs, finances, family or friends....I struggle to give it ALL to Him.

I HAVE been able to give Him the 'cancer' and allow Him to hold it. Why? Honestly, when I reflect I can only attribute it to His supernatural grace. Definitely not my ability to handle it. For I am weak.

Why can I trust Him with the biggest thing that has ever happened to me, but yet, struggle moment to moment with the smaller? Why do I get overwhelmed with things that I am blessed just enough to be here to deal with? Why do I continue to question His plan? Why do I wonder how He is going to provide?

It's taken 2 years for me to fully realize that He loves me enough to save me from the hands of the enemy. It's taken 2 years for me to learn that I daily, sometimes, moment by moment, need to continue to give it to Him....that I will never 'get it' all....if I did, I wouldn't need Him anymore.

It's taken 2 years for me to grasp a whole lot tighter to the things that are meant to mean something in this lifetime that I have been granted. It's taken 2 years for me to know that money is something that the enemy will continue to use against most because the stress and anxiety it causes is real and deep.

It's taken 2 years for me to grab a hold of the very simple lesson......HE IS ENOUGH!

No one can serve two masters.

Either he will hate the one and love the other,

or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.

You cannot serve both God and Money.

-Matthew 6:24

I find it interesting that as I ponder this verse it all comes down to God and money. It talks of two masters. I know that God is the One that is always 'one of the two'....but anything could be the 'other'. Family, friends, health, food, jewelry, travel, collections....anything. We can only love one, not both. Again, anything could be the 'other'. But as we see, "you cannot serve both God and Money".

Why would it come down to God and Money?

As I go through my days now with the 'money' thing being so gigantic of a mountain....I think I finally understand how money can be the opposite of God.

Yes, Satan uses so many 'things' to get at us, to draw us from His presence. But money. Oh money. This is the one thing that the enemy can constantly tangle himself in purposefully and consistently. He does this knowing that no matter how much or how little we have, he WILL have the control....most of the time.

It is crucial to realize that money is the enemy's stronghold on us. But it is in the realization of his tactics that we are able to stop him in his tracks. We are able to remember who we are called to serve....only One Master. When we do this, we enable God to be in the control seat....even where our finances are concerned.

It's taken 2 years. I have been financially challenged for so long. But I long to only serve One Master......and money is not it!!!

Mixture of Stuff

Each of us have at least ‘someone’ in our lives that is going through ‘something’. How are we supposed to understand them? How are we supposed to help them? How are we supposed to encourage?


For some of you, this person is me. I am the one in your life that you are trying to take care of, help and understand. While others of you, it is someone else close to you. While for some of you…..it is you. And you are to afraid, timid or prideful to ask for the help that you may need. You may need meals, babysitting, monetary support, rides, a listening ear, or just someone who ‘gets it”.


Whatever the case…..my goal is that each of us realizes that this is what life is about. Understanding ourselves and each other….and then doing something about it. We are not called to just live through the moment like robots. Circumstances change without our permission. We are robbed of our security and control very easily.


While my mom was here last month, I was able to go in for some ‘extra’ appointments. One of these was my annual pap smear (sorry guys, I’m sharing for a reasonJ ). The results came back abnormal. This in itself is not usually a bad thing. But when they started throwing around the ‘C’ word again, it all started for me again.


Panic. Fear. Loss of Control.


For a 24 hour period, I feared the very worst. I have said this before, “I hate this disease!” It robs you of so much. I had so much on my calendar for this 24 hour period. So it was ‘easier’ to just not tell anyone. Roy & I carried this uncertainty by ourselves. We pretty much turned into robot parents, going through the motions. When we saw people that night (we had a school function) we acted like nothing was up. But in all reality, we felt like the rug was ripped out from under us again. In my mind, I had myself sick, bald and going through chemo again. But this time with a worst outcome.


Long story short, I’m okay. I will be having a hysterectomy. Okay, so maybe not so short of a story….


I think it’s crazy that in the cancer world, things like a hysterectomy don’t seem as major. While in a cancer free one, it would be huge. But it is what it is.


So instead of me filling you in on the details. From the moment of the phone call all the way to the moment I was sitting in my oncologist office the next day. I want so much to educate all of you that cancer brings about life changing changes. It just never ends. It is always apart of someone’s life. It never goes away. Whether a person is able or disabled, fighting or a survivor, functioning or living…..it just is always a part of each day.


That 24 hour period was tortuous. It was full. It was sleepless. My kids still needed me to function. Appointments still needed to be attended. The phone still rang. Other peoples lives were still in motion. The world kept going.


There are some of you that are dealing with other diseases. Some of you have other things on your plate that are ‘big’ and ‘overwhelming’. Others have had the worst thing possible happen this past year….you have lost someone so dear to something so horrible. You’re dealing with the hardest….grief.


In the midst of this happening around us…..we are usually ’clueless’ to all this. Me included. We forget to not be robots. We forget to ’understand’ the person in our life that is going through all this. We forget that it never ends for them. We forget that our lives should change along with theirs.


The pain. It is sometimes physical, but a lot of the time it is deeper. People are hurting and we forget to take notice. Friends and family are struggling to make it through each moment. And we sit back and forget that their lives have been turned upside down by circumstances out of their control. Unintentionally for the most part.


God will not give you more than you can handle.


How many of you have heard this before? I have heard it more than I care for these past few years. And to be blunt with you ….AAAHHHH!!!?!!!!?!!!! We have to NOT be saying this anymore. It’s a well-meaning misinterpretation of a reassuring scripture.

“ No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” - I Corinthians 10:13

So without getting all ‘preachy’…..do you see the difference? It is not saying that I will not be given too much. It’s saying that I will not be tempted beyond what He will walk with me. It was a wonderful moment when I was taught this (thanks, AS). In some sort of twisted way, I could breath a little be easier knowing that my life IS more than I can handle. It IS way too much. It just pointed me to lean on God all the more.


So for all of you our there…..2 things:

1) If you are someone going through something ‘big’…..maybe it is too much for you to handle. Reach out. Grab a hold of those around you. Grab a hold of Him. Don’t be timid, afraid or too prideful to ask for help.

2) For those of you that are on the flip side….the ‘big’ stuff has skipped you for now…..Reach out. Grab ON to those around you. You might be the life preserver that He wants for someone else. Don’t be afraid, timid or too prideful to offer your help.


We need one another. Life is painful. If it wasn't it would be too easy to get complacent and want to be here rather than where we were made to be....next to Him.

Happy Father's Day

I find that Father’s Day is a time that my children love to celebrate their Daddy. They love to think of special little things to do for him and with him. It’s so special for me to watch them as they play together.


Takai’s face lights up every time he sees Roy. He is always willing to give his Daddy a kiss….or five:) When Roy walks into the house Takai will run and jump into his arms just like in the movies. What a special relationship they have.


Torryn is Daddy’s little shadow. He loves to help Roy with anything and everything. I love that they have hobbies together, like softball & riding their quads. Torryn’s at that age that his Dad is the biggest and the strongest of them all. It’s rewarding to see the look that Torryn has for Roy….he’s his hero.


Tala chose to cuddle with Daddy for some cartoon time just this morning, even though the rest of us were outside having fun. They are always laughing, or should I say, giggling together. I don’t have a doubt that one of Tala’s favorite things is being tickled by her dad. She is daddy’s girl for sure.


Tylor’s not physically here with us most of the time. But he is so much a part of our family. Roy and him have such a special bond. They have always enjoyed doing so many things together. And now that Ty’s getting older, it’s neat to see how their bond is maturing…although, I think there will always be wrestling. Ty has always looked up to his dad…literally.


The kids had some special things they wanted to say to their dad….
Dear Daddy,
“I love when you tickle me. You’re awesome! I love to play with you and watch Spiderman with you. You are the best. I love when you earn me money on webkinz. I Love You! Happy Father’s Day!!!“ Love, Tala
“You are the best. I love you because you are big and strong. I love to go in the swimming pool with you. You are fun and silly. I have something important to tell you…..I Love You and Happy Father’s Day!!!“ Love, Torryn
“Hope you have a great Father’s Day. You’re funny and you punch really, really hard (They love to wrestle and just be 'boys'). You’re pretty good at sports…..but not as good as me J Love, you’re oldest son, Ty”
“dadadadadadadadadadadadadadadaddadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadadad” Love, Takai


Roy,
Today you are the one we get to celebrate today. We all love you so much. Thank you for being the one of strength, for working so hard for us, and for always being able to make us all laugh. You bring smiles to our kids faces like no one else can. I could not do this job set before us without you. I am blessed to have you by my side. Your children adore you and I love you with all my heart. Have a fantastic day!!!
Love, Shann


Only A Dad
Only a dad with a tired face,
Coming home from the daily race,
Bringing little of gold or fame
To show how well he has played the game;

But glad in his heart that his own rejoice
To see him come and to hear his voice.
Only a dad with a brood of four,
One of ten million men or more

Plodding along in the daily strife,
Bearing the whips and the scorns of life,
With never a whimper of pain or hate,
For the sake of those who at home await.

Only a dad, neither rich nor proud,
Merely one of the surging crowd,
Toiling, striving from day to day,
Facing whatever may come his way,

Silent whenever the harsh condemn,
And bearing it all for the love of them.
Only a dad but he gives his all,
To smooth the way for his children small,

Doing with courage stern and grim
The deeds that need to be done for them.
This is the line that for him I pen:
Only a dad, but the best of men.

...Edgar A. Guest

Swingers & Climbers

Hello Everyone


I just had to take a brief moment to let you all know how blessed we have been.

As most of you know, money is something of the past for us :) So when it comes to luxury's, they are usually on the 'inexpensive' end. And that's okay....cause we can have fun any day with some water guns, a hose and a little bit of 'game play'.

But....we have been blessed beyond our kids wildest dreams are concerned for our backyard.
Some friends decided to give us a monetary gift with the stipulation to not use it for bills or 'needs'. They wanted it to be used for 'fun'.


So after a lot of talking and praying....we decided to get the swing set, or playground as Tala calls it :) that is on the welcome page. And as they are having fun daily on it, I am given little 'breaks' along the way that we didn't even foresee with this purchase.


Have I mentioned how blessed we are?!!!


Thank you isn't enough when it comes to these types of blessings. It's not so much the 'cost'...as it is the thought that went into the 'stipulations' that we were to abide by. I so much appreciate how creative people have been with us. There really is no price tag for the smiles that this blessing is bringing to my kids faces...not to mention the scrape that Torryn has already gotten on his cute little face from 'flipping' upside down on the swing :)


Love to all of you...I'm off to check on the swingers & the climbers:)

simply, Trust

It seems to be a vicious cycle. Trust, money, trust, health, money, trust, health. You get the picture. Funny how the key word seems to be trust, but it's easier to focus on the other two.

Money.

We've always, always struggled in this area. Our professions just don't produce the 'big' money. I've always been okay with mine because I love(d) what I do. But Roy has some struggles times because he pretty much feels it's nothing more than just a job. We've made decisions along the way for me to not bring in the money and have 'created' bigger struggles. But glorifying God was priority in all that. He always provided even when there was no trust.

Health.

Oh boy. We've been scared and then WE'VE BEEN SCARED! I've come to the conclusion when you are in a 'health' situation, you can either claim God or just go stir crazy with fear. He truly does hold us. Trusting is such an easy complicated thing for our hearts to do. We need to let go to hold on.

Now when you entangle money and health, that's where pure chaos can erupt. What do you do when you have to choose between life or bad credit? Medicine or rent? Continued medical or food? This is where we are. And the conclusion I have come to is...

Trust.

There is no other way. We can try and hold it all together. We can attempt to seem in control. But in all reality, we hold nothing and have no control of these circumstances. God holds my 'health' (and all that this encompasses) and He is the only One who knows the ways we will pay for each bill, medicine & necessities.

Money really is the 'root of all evil'. Health is surely an uncertainty for even the most wealthy. But trust is for the taking to all who will hand over the other two to the One who conquered the creator of evil and thief of our 'strength'.

Money & Health = opportunity to be absorb by His riches and wholeness...simply, Trust

Abnormal

Abnormal pap. These are the words I just heard. I have yet to share with anyone. Deep breathes. I am having to take some in order to process it all. It could mean nothing. But it could mean something.

This journey that God has allowed has not come to an end. I so want a new chapter. No actually, a whole new book. I'm tired of the 'cancer' book. But then again, I'm familiar with this one. The next one would just be something new and maybe, scarier.

So, no, I think I've changed my mind. Let's stay here. With the familiar. It might be uncertain. But I know Who holds it. The same One who went before me with my original diagnosis. The same One who held my hand while my kids were in the hospital. The same One who Knows all.

He is not surprised by these results. He knows what has caused them and what will come of them. I need not worry about it. But I will. So my desire is to bring this worry and lay it at His feet. Walk away with it there. Not to pick it up again.

Lord, my heart is heavier than it should be today with these results. You have given me every opportunity to learned how to place it all at your feet. I struggle with this news. More cancer. Really?! You said in the beginning that the journey would not be short. But I had an opportunity to praise you along the way. Well, here I am again. Challenge to do just that. So as hard as it is, I want to proclaim praise for this 'turn of events'. I'm scared and worried. But You are always for me and never against me. You always go before me in everything. You are not surprised by any of this. Please open my heart to hear you through all this. Use it all for your glory. It is my journey, but it continues to be your story.

I am called HERO

Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 8 people who have said that I am their hero. Throughout this journey, I have humbly accepted this compliment. Of course, it makes me feel good. It would make anyone feel good.

Today I was told it again. (thanks MB)

I have been given a few 'extra' minutes to ponder what it means to actually be a 'hero'. It really is a responsibility to an extent. People look up to you. The way you conduct yourself is important to how they feel. The reason you are placed on this pedestal is because you have exemplified some quality that has 'caught' their attention. (Which for me, right now in my crazy life, just blows my mind.)

It has been my desire from the very beginning of this journey to glorify my God rather than the one bringing on the devastation. Daily, it is a challenge to do this. The enemy is strong. He is tricky. But also very blatant. He wants to rob me of who God is growing me to be. Every step needs to be a conscious step towards the One who loves me most. I struggle to be true to who I am along the way most days. Chaos seems to seep in often.

And yet I am called, Hero.

Lord, always make this a humble blessing of who You want me to be and what You want of me. It could be so easy to become so prideful because of this large compliment. Always show me that I need to be humble even after I 'accept' it. There is no way that I want it to go to my head. If I step out of line, please, gently, place me back where I can view You easily. Because You are the one and only true 'HERO'.