Pity or Purpose?

Pity is so easy....
*I had cancer
*I'm still in treatment
*My daughter almost died
*My baby almost died
*I almost died
*I had to have a mastectomy to live
*I've lost friends because of all this
*I live in pain every moment
*I have no money
*I probably never will
*I have so many side effects
(really, this list could on and on and on and on and on and on...)

The reality is that all of it is nothing compared to:
*He lived where many hated him
*He was spit upon
*He was beaten horribly
*He was betrayed by many
*He was mocked by many more
*He wore a crown of thorns
*He had nails pounded through his flesh
*He hung on a cross
*He bore the weight of ALL sin
*He lived his life selflessly
*He died for me
*He died for everyone

If you really think about it...my pity is unwarranted. He lived His life with a purpose. Pity was never apart of Him or His life.

Am I living mine this way?

I'm supposed to.

Who Am I - video

This is one of my favorite songs of all times. When I think of all that has happened and that I am here to tell my story. Really? Who Am I? Who am I that He saved me from it all?

WHO. AM. I?!!!

I just found this video (I know...I'm a getting a little crazy with videos lately...I'm a visual person:)) and I thought you would enjoy it like I did. It's so incredibly cool.

Don't forget to go to the bottom and pause my playlist so you only hear one thing at a time.

a little note from a friend

Dearest Shannon,

I just want you to know that I pray for you. I am astounded at your strength and tenacity. Truly, it is inconceivable to me to imagine how you and your family gets through the days. Thank you for staying strong as you continue ' the fight' on so many fronts. You are a light and a witness to me. God must know how special you are as He calls you to shine so consistently through adversity. You are truly His and you are blessed and loved. Thank you for allowing me to walk alongside of you. I trust that your hope will remain strong and that God will heal. May sin not be allowed a stronghold and may you find a sweet comfort today from the Holy Spirit.

Love, "B"

I was blessed this past week. I have carried this card with me everywhere. It looks worn. Probably because it has rotated from purse to diaper bag to Bible and back again. But mostly from me reading it so many times. Sometimes in it's entirety, others just a quick glance to catch a sentence or two. It's a simple note that is quite complex. Every sentence challenges me. Surprisingly, while it carries me. How can someone feel this way about me? Me? The one who fails so miserably to do the things that I so desperately want to do for His kingdom.

More time with my kids in prayer.
More time in prayer for my kids.
More time writing down my journey.
More time talking about this journey.
More time dating my hubby.
More time doing 'fun stuff' with my kids.
More time just being still.
More time truly living.
More time sharing His amazing love.
His grace.
His power.
His miracles.
His peace, understanding, sacrifice.
More time investing in what I never took the time for before.
More time loving my loved ones.
More time.

If only I had more time to be the person that "B" portrays. I want to be this person. Am I on some level? I feel like it's this split personality kind of thing. When I dig deep I think everyone tends to do this. I watch my kids and know that even the innocent do it. Who we are, and what we show others may be different at times.

I've had to dig deep with my self esteem this week. This is where the 'challenge' of this note comes in. And I've concluded to say, "Thanks for the wonderful blessing of your words, 'B'. No, I'm so not this person you perceive me to be. I fail everyday to be this person. But to you I am her. And it's only because of Him. I am thankful that He allows me to be her to you. He is the one that uses my weaknesses and failures and somehow turns them for His glory."

There have been others that have said similar things to me. I'm forever grateful that I have been allowed to be a tool for His kingdom. I am thankful, grateful, humbled and honest to tell you...it's Him. You are not seeing me. You are seeing Him. I am but a servant. Broken. Very, very broken right now. It is only because He holds me together do I seem to have it together.

I feel my weakness and failure so many times throughout my 'tough' days. The words from this note carried me this week. He rewarded me with more stamina than I woke up with. He put more determination in my step because of what I read. The challenge to 'be' this person carried me in every move I made.

And what I think is kinda cool.....I actually think that "B" is so much more this person than I. As so many of you are. It's with so much gratitude that I say my prayers at night for the people that God has placed in my life to be these shining examples. But maybe this is how He meant the world to go round....Yes, yes it is....we will be allowed to see a glimpse of Him as long as our hearts longs for His.

Even in our weaknesses and failures.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. " -Philippians 1:3-6

It's now time to leave the comfort of 'cyberspace' and return to actually putting one foot in front of the other.

My goal?

To read this note again and allow it to challenge me once again to strive to be the person that I am perceived to be...for she is truly a woman after God's own heart.

Oh, how I want to be her.

To everyone.

Even myself.

Especially to my God.

a friend in need of prayer...

I'm so tired but I can't help but tell you about the blessings before my eyes.

Tala and Torryn are sleeping so tenderly. I was watching them sleep and was reminded of how blessed I am. Roy and I have talked so many times of how it could just be a family of 3 right now, not 6. Tala, Takai and myself were miraculously saved from death. Literally.

So looking at them now just brings tears. I'm so grateful to have them. And to be here to be their mommy. I don't take it for granted.

I think of a dear friend that I have never had the pleasure of laying eyes on. We 'met' about 2 months into my/our cancer journey/s. I was pregnant and so was she. I'm a young mom and so is she. Breast cancer for both. Both love the one True God. Our details are almost parallel. Until recently. She is struggling with so much. It started with numbness. It has progressed to more treatment and many more symptoms.

I have not asked her permission to share intimate details, but I know she would covet your prayers. I feel such a kindred spirit with my dear friend. She truly understands all I've gone through. I've understood her road. I love her so. Please pray for her. Pray for her many side effects that are limiting so much of her daily functioning. Please pray for her healing. Please pray for her husband and 3 young children. Oh, just please pray.

As I pray for her, I reflect on what I've been given. Not one thing is taken for granted. Yes, I live with so many repercussions of this horrid disease and I probably always will. But I take absolutely nothing for granted that I've been given.

Update 9/24/08

There have been so many of you who have called or wrote to check in with me this past week. Honestly, you were all answers to prayer.

Went to the doctor on Friday for treatment and got to talk with him. The new medicine seems to be working slowly. So we agreed I would take it for 3 more weeks to see if the neuropathy gets any better. Other than that, nothings changed. My numbers (blood counts all look wonderful....isn't that great?!!!! I love it.:)

Roy's still working hard, so thank you for all the comments and prayers on his behalf. We are still praying and trying to save a little here and there for another vehicle. Day to day is still a juggling act as far as rides, vehicle, school, etc. But I got me some good shoes now and they seem to make a huge difference on those days that I walk.

My surgeries are still on the back burner. One is just pending on insurance coverage and the other...still got to get to my new doc to be able to discuss everything.

Please pray for something 'small' for me. I have a tooth that is bothering me. Chemo messes with the bones...and that includes teeth. I went to the dentist a couple of months ago and there was only minor damage. A true blessing. But I seem to be having much more issues lately. And now it looks like I have a tooth that needs some help. It’s causing me pain that just seems to be getting worse.

And now for some brutal honesty…
I’ve had some not-so-positive comments about a couple of things happening, whether in my updates or in my life. I know these have come from well meaning loved ones who DO love me. BUT, after pondering and praying about the things that have been said I’ve decided to say very little. This has been a wild and crazy ride the past 2 years. It has been full of so many emotions, miracles, pain and changes. My life was forever altered the moment I was diagnosed. I DO understand that some people don’t ‘get it’. And that is okay. Because before I started this journey, I didn’t ‘get it’. I truly didn’t. My expectations are not a lot. I am grateful for the opportunity to be here to raise my children, grow older with my husband, spend time with my friends and family and bring glory to my God & learn to love them all a little better every day that I’ve been given. But in the process of doing all this WHILE battling all that cancer brings my way…I will struggle. This Caringbridge site, along with my blog, are such a wonderful way for me to express myself. I can only pray that my ‘tone’, although it may depict these struggles, would portray someone who is eternally grateful for ALL she’s been given.

When you have a chance, please watch this awesome video. It expresses, so well, a lot of what becomes part of a cancer patient's life…whether fighting or in remission.

Life is hard….but, oh so good!!! I am here surrounded with so much. You are part of my ‘good’.
All my love, Shannon

It's Him

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn their darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will NOT forsake them." - Isaiah 42:16


It's Him.

It's all Him.

It's been Him from the very beginning. It's Him when the enemy decides to get involved with us. It's Him who allows ALL things to come into our lives. It's Him who doesn't leave anything to chance. It's Him who holds us in the palm of His hand ever so tenderly. It's Him who cares about the big things and the little. It's Him who made my weakness strong when cancer became a part of my life. It's Him who handed out miracle upon miracle in the medical aspect of our lives last year. It's Him who kept us a family of 6...rather than less. It's Him who sustains me day after day. It's Him who decides when my days here on earth should end. (certainly, not the cancer. and. NOT! THE! ENEMY!)

It's Him.

It's all Him.

......Thankfully!

Cancer CANNOT Have Me!!!

This is an amazing, 3 minute, video. I've watched it a few times and get emotional each time. I would like to say, "enjoy" but that's not the tone of the video. So instead I say, "Be educated..."






Can I just say, "Powerful?!" The only thing I would have to add here is when she says the 'd' word...well you all know who I would associate with this. Plain and simple, cancer of any kind is of the Devil. He brings all things evil. Looking in the mirror while going through all that cancer brings is a hard thing. I will not lie. Self esteem is challenged almost daily. The enemy tries to take every bit of everything you have left for himself. Cancer really isn't the enemy at all. It is the one who brought it to me. Thankfully, no matter how he schemes, my God is smarter, more loving and definitely wants whats best for me. Unlike the one who attempts to steal all that is good.

So every time, and I do plan to watch this many more times, I watch this video....I will allow it to encourage me and remind me that I although I had cancer, fear cancer everyday, may get cancer again....IT WILL NEVER HAVE ME!!! There is only one thing that matters. And that is where I place my heart, mind and soul. For there is no way the Devil can take those from me if I place them in my Saviors care.

Do Not Lose Heart

I found a verse that I had never really 'heard' before. What I mean is, I've read it, but I hear it in such a new way now.

"Do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." -2 Corinthians 4:16

Seriously, I think this was written for me. I DO feel like I am wasting away. I was healthy 2 years ago. Now, I don't think there is one part of my body that has not been affected by cancer (this is a whole other post in the making :)). Yet, at the same time, I know that my spiritual self is blossoming like never before.

The balance between the two....'Do not lose heart'.

A friend gave me a copy of a cartoon this week. On the flip side was part of a devotion that has spoken volumes to my heart. I have read and reread it many times.

Like the sundial, this year I am only going to count the sunny hours! I don't know where we are - I don't need to know. I just know it's all in His hands. How much safer could it be?

These words remind me that nothing touches me that has not passed through the hands of my heavenly Father - NOTHING! Whatever occurs, God has sovereignly surveyed and approved it. We may never know why, but we do know our pain is no accident to Him who guides our lives. He is in no way surprised by any of it. Before it ever touched us, it passes through Him.

In honest truth, I struggle with the fact that God COULD HAVE prevented all that has happened to me and my family. I have asked the question, "Why?", many times. But really...where does this get me? What truly matters is where I put my trust. I trust that He loves me more than I could ever comprehend. I trust that He always has wanted the very best for me. I trust that He always will. I trust that my children, husband, health, and finances are at the forefront of His concerns. I trust that I will one day understand it all. I trust that my Jesus died on that cross for me. I trust the evils that the enemy has brought my way are not a surprise to my King. I trust that He is in control of ALL things. I trust that my relationship with Him is personal and intimate. I trust that I will forever be in His arms. I trust.

In the middle of the chaos that broke out back on Dec.29th, 06, I had peace. I wasn't grasping for it. I just had it. Simply put, He had me. It wasn't about my faith, my love for God or even my trust. It was His doing. Not mine. Believe me when I say that I did not have the energy to do anything. He held me up and He held me close and tight. He enveloped my whole being with this peace. I was His child. His love for me is never changing.

Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. We are weak but He is strong.

There really IS no place safer than in His Hands.

Imagine a newborn being held. We take the utmost care with them. Wrapping them tightly. Holding them closely to our chest. Always expressing such tenderness. He does this all with us. And so much more. Imagine never being let go. He is ever holding us. Tightly. Close. Tenderly. He never looks away from us. And because His gaze never leaves, He misses nothing. Everything that comes our way is seen AND APPROVED by Him. Nothing 'just gets by' Him because He is to busy or doesn't care. He is all-knowing, omnipotent and the very essence of love.

This is not an easy concept to accept. There is limited understanding of the entirety of who God is. Do I get Him? Not at all. But I so desire to. I am comforted in just knowing that all that has 'touched' me has not come without His knowing. His approval. Most importantly, His touching, feeling and going through it all first. I am assured that He has experienced everything there is to experience. And looking at the life that my Saviour led...I Trust.

I may be 'wasting away inwardly', so to speak....but aren't we all? So many have asked how I do it. Honestly, I am weak. Oh, so very weak. But He is strong. So, so strong.

Daily, sometimes moment by moment...I choose. To trust and to not lose heart.

"Meet Me in the Stairwell"

(You may have read this already, as I know it is circulating through cyberspace. And I am unsure of the author...although, the true Author is all we need to be focusing on. I pray that we all are able to reflect on this monumental day in our country's history and bring forth true understanding of His Saving Grace even in the center of the enemies strongest force.)

'MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL'

You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news...

September 11, 2001 .

Neither will I.

I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say 'Good-Bye.' I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, 'Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK..I am ready to go.'

I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night.

I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. 'I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!' I said. 'Of course I will show you the way home - only believe in Me now.'

I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.

I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them. I was in Texas , Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan .

I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news.

Did you sense Me?

I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me.

Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; 'Come to Me... this way... take my hand.' Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.

But, I was there.

I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me? Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you. But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well.

Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are 'ready to go.' I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.

Update 9/10/08

Hello Everyone!

I have so much to say but I don't want this to be too long. Also, I don't want to be a downer and overwhelm. But, for those of you who have been walking with me on this journey, you know I take 'educating' about ALL of it very seriously. So here goes...

Let's start by saying that it's been awhile. It's not because nothing is happening. It's more so the opposite. But I have been in such an emotional 'funk' that I've hesitated to post because I know myself enough that I realized that I'd just have an emotional tantrum for all of you to experience. So I've waited. And in the past couple of days I have found myself able to start climbing up the ladder out of the emotional pit I've been in. It's not that the circumstances surrounding us have lessoned, actually, it's quite the contrary.

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." -Isaiah 43:18-19

Honestly, these 2 verses are what's helping me right now. I'm commanded, not asked, to forget things and not to dwell. How hard is this?!!! But I'm trying. And to know that He is doing something new for me...I can't wait! But I'm in this desert right now and it's tough. Thankfully, I'm promised that I'm not alone.

So as I get off my 'faith-box'...I'll attempt to fill you in on everything without it being the tantrum that I spoke of. :)

My Health:
*It's a continual struggle to get to my doctor's appts. When I go for 6 weeks in between, the worries start to set in. I was able to finally go last Friday and am happy to say that all my blood work came back great! Please pray as I juggle all that it entails to coordinate for me to go.

*The pain in my back is the same. BUT the pain in my feet has increased. I have aching, pain, numbness and burning. This is all common with neuropathy. It's so intence that I am literally not able to stand most of the time...but I have to. So lot's of tears are being shed. The first medicine helped a little but I had to discontinue it because it made me so loopy. (Which is a very rare side effect...only me:)) I just started a different kind. I'll let you know how it goes. Any prayers in this area are always appreciated. Any moment I feel 'good' I always attribute it to your faithful prayers on my behalf.:)

*I'm having to be in the sun quite a bit lately and this is not good being on the type of medicine that I am. There are a few side effects that have appeared because of this. I'm here and I don't take it for granted. But please pray that any new symptoms attempting to arise will just go away.:)

*The pharmacy end of our insurance has changed. With this has brought about an unexpected turn in drug coverage for my main chemo med. It used to be covered 100%...not so anymore. We are now looking at having to come up with 20% every 3 weeks. This amounts to $850. Seriously, who can afford this?!!! Please pray as we try and sort this one out.

Other Stuff:
*All summer we have been trying to come up with the moneys for Tala to be back at her same school. Without going into all the details, I just want to say that we just couldn't do it. The Friday before she was supposed to start, I broke the news to her. Lots of tears...from both of us. Remember, this school & church have been a strong backbone for our family through all the trials. It was going to be hard not to be at GCA. WELL...have we all forgotten how God is in the business of miracles?!!! We were, knock us to the ground, reminded.:) The night before I received a call that the money was taken care of and Tala would be starting school the next morning. (I just want to say ...it was a substantial amount for those of you wondering.) We still don't know if it was 1 person or many...we just know that they felt led to help our family...without being asked. We are so blessed!

*I've already mentioned that we are down a vehicle. Right now this is causing a 'triangle' of sorts for me. And all 3 sides don't point to a feasible solution. 1) It's just not in the cards for us to get another vehicle any time soon. 2) I'm walking Torryn to school and walk to Tala's to give her a shot at lunch time almost daily. We are out @3 hours daily in the desert heat...just too much for all of us. &3) I am, technically, supposed to give Tala her shot off campus. But a stroller doesn't give the 'privacy' she would like.:) Therefore, I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place. This truly is an area of frustration for us because of so many reason. Please pray for a solution to present itself soon. And if not...please pray for my endurance, especially going up those hills. :)

*(Please note: I broach this next subject with only 'educating' in mind...but I do recognize that it can be an uncomfortable subject for all.)

Money. It truly 'sucks'. I really am okay with not having enough. But I do hate that we are in the position now of being 'one of those families.' You know the ones...buried by medical bills. That's us in the here and now. So please pray. Not for cash...but more so for peace to deal with all of this.

*Roy continues to have work. We are so thankful. But I do sit and watch him live on 3-4 hours of sleep daily with no days off and I worry. He has lost over 30 lbs and there's nothing I can do to change it for him to be healthier. Continued prayers all around for him would be awesome...you know, stamina, eating, driving, etc.

I won't lie. Life is hard right now. I've only skimmed the surface of what's happening as consequeces from this awful disease. I actually hate the word 'cancer' more than 'money'. :) It does seem that all I ever 'bring to the table' now a days is the negative. But truly, I couldn't do this without all your wonderful support. Words truly are a gift. I am so encouraged by all the GB entry's, emails, calls & letters. I read everything so many times. Without you all, I fear I would lose my mind. I often times feel like I'm slipping down in quicksand and you are the vine that's pulling me out. Thank you for walking along side me during this 'drought' I seem to be in.. You are all blessings!

Love, Shannon

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perseive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." -Isaiah 43:18-19

Without...

It's no secret that I live in pain. I've made it known through conversations, my websites, etc. I will forever live with these chronic pains unless my God choose to heal me of them. So when I ponder the following verses I am challenged and a bit perplexed.

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation in which you shine like stars in the universe." -Philippians 2:14-15

It is human nature to complain. We are born with this. Even arguing. As we grow, hopefully we're taught otherwise. A conscious choice to be 'positive' is often times difficult. And when I look at where my life is right now....somehow I have made myself believe that I have some sort of 'right' to complain & argue. But I don't.

I am perplexed, though, because when I step outside the box and pretend this life belongs to someone else, I would have to say that they have every right to tell others what's happening. If for nothing else then sanity and survival. Not to mention the unbelievable opportunity to tell of all God's goodness.

I'm here pondering how to balance this two sided teeter toter. There is a way. I know it and I believe it. It's a matter of discretion, discernment, tactfulness AND BOLDNESS.

My prayer is that I allow Him to guide what comes out of my mouth. And that He will continue to be glorified even when I lack the ability to balance my witness in such a manner that is pleasing to Him.

I Choose Completion

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." -Philippians 1:6


Life is always going forward. Never stopping for nothing. Although, there are things that come along that seem to make time stand still. It's these times that we are challenged to move ahead even when the desire is lack.

Time stood still for months back in 2007. But yet it seemed to race forward with me barely hanging on. I felt so lost but never more in control. He embraced me even before I was shaken with the diagnosis of cancer. He had a purpose.

Him.

This journey of cancer was about Him. I had a choice. Continue to claim my belief and love for my Father. Or, walk away. No wishy washy Christianity anymore. No gray. Only black or white.

I chose. And I've been challenged with tests like never before....for this is how the enemy, His enemy, my enemy works. But still I choose.

And I continue to strive to see His face. In the process I have been blessed with miracles that have granted me the opportunity to day by day become healthier. I move in forward motion toward godliness that is pleasing to Him. And I must never forget that just as He began His good works in me, He WILL see it to completion. He didn't heal me and then move on to something/someone else. Now that I'm cancer free doesn't mean that I'm on my own. His strength and provision is the same as it has been since this all began. Since He placed me the womb. Since the beginning of time.

He began a good work in me. And He will complete it. I'm in the middle of this with Him continually showing me that I must take His hand and allow Him the lead. In all honesty, I cannot even fathom what true completion is. But, oh, how I strive for it.

For who would want to be incomplete?

Power of Prayers

Taking time to get on their knees, bringing me before our God, has been the most important act of love my family and friends have done for me.

Because of this....

I have no doubt...

Is the reason...

I am here.