After 6 months of 'silence' I think it's time to touch base. But before I do, I want to warn you this comes with a 'bluntness & honesty' rating. I'm about to go beyond my usual realm and be even more transparent than I usually am...
When I was diagnosed my life (my family's lives) changed forever. But with that came so many blessings. People came from all over to help and assist us in so many ways. These people came to mean the world to me. But over time things have changed. It has gone from having so many around to literally having no one. I went 10 months before I could get into my chemo appointment. There just was no one willing to watch the kids. Many have suggested emailing out a schedule so 'friends' could help....tried that....all with the 'no' response. Oh, don't get me wrong. I totally get that other's have there own lives. And before the transformation that God has done on my heart through all this, I would have totally been upset. But no, I'm not. It's the reality of our world. Human nature is to have a natural cycle of give & take. But in my world....I have had to be the 'taker' for too long with people. And because I can't 'give' a whole lot right now...most everyone has walked away. Understandable so. And please don't get me wrong on this either...I am blessed! I have dear sweet friends in my life. BUT they all live far away. Within this city, this state...I am left alone.
So why tell all this? Because I want you to know how important you are to me. Those that do want to stick by me and continue to pray, to take time to read my thoughts. But in all honesty, this site causes me pain. It has been my link to the world during all the 'junk' we have gone through. And although there is not a whole lot of 'big' medical stuff going one....our lives are still GREATLY affected daily by the aftermath that cancer has brought. Everyday is still full of huge struggles. Added on to this is losing my mom and going that alone too. And of course there is so much that is 'behind the scenes' private stuff that needs to stay within our four walls. So again, why tell you this...
Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of finding out the news of cancer entering my life. It is a day forever embedded in my soul as being 'life-changing'. Looking back, I summed up the 1st year as one of ‘miracles’ and the second year as ‘toilsome’. And now when I think of one word to describe this past year…’loneliness’. It’s been a tough one…the toughest of my life. Those closest to me are not there anymore for various reasons. The pain I hold within me is sometimes a weight I don’t know if I can carry. I’m still fighting for my life everyone moment…but now I do it alone. Cancer definitely has an 'aftermath' that I was not prepared for.
But thankfully, as my heart aches and doesn’t always ‘feel’ my Savior…He has blessed me with the foreknowledge to ‘know’ what is. And what is is Him! It’s all about Him. I seek Him & I claim Him. No matter the cost of these daily treks I’ve been called to…It IS all about Him.
So as I continue to walk this road, and if it calls me to be ‘silent’ from this site for a while again…please always know how much YOUR love and investment into my live means.
