HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAKAI

You are my miracle baby! Everyone who knows the whole story behind your birth, knows what a miracle you are. God has a purpose far beyond what I could dream for you. Just look at all you've done in 2 years. People from all over the world are believing in His greatness just a little bit more because of you.

And to think....He saved you twice within 4 months. My miracle baby.

I am so, so blessed to be your mommy. Your smile just lights up a room. I cannot tell you how many times a day I hear from people just what a special boy you are. You radiate such happiness.

The past 2 years with you have been so full. As I have battled my disease...you have been a constant source of joy for our family. Each of us adores you. At times we fight over who gets to hold you, sit by you or just be with you. You are our real life baby doll.

I am so in love with you my tiny little man. Happy Birthday, Honey!!!

2 Year Anniversary

A year ago today I wrote this post reflecting on my 1 year mark of my diagnosis. Here I am today reminiscing over the 2ND one. So much has gone on. So much so that time seems to have flown by. Don't get me wrong. There are times, moments, that seem to drag out as the enemy attempts to bring me down.

If I had to sum up the 1st year in one word, it would have to be 'miracles'.

The 2ND would easily be described as 'toilsome'.

It's the aftermath. I've said it before. The combo of physical, emotional, mental & spiritual thrown together with trying to live a 'normal' life within this world, interacting with people who just don't 'get it' and wanting to be the best that you are meant to be....has just about pushed me over the edge. (The edge of what? Yeah, I don't know...just a figure of speech...for effect :))

But I have chosen joy.

I can't lie. The joy is not always felt. But it is something I choose. Consciously. It is the only way I know to survive this toilsome march I seem to be on. The Disciples were not instantly given This Joy. They had times full of failure, disappointment, denial, desertion & hopelessness. It was in the hope, waiting & courage that joy became their reward.

Joy is the reward that I seek. Some days I see it in the midst of my dark days. Some days I see it in my children's' smiles. Some days I hear it from your words. Some days I am given it in the form of a blessing from the totally unexpected. Some days I struggle to grasp just a twinkle of it. Some days I know He is smiling at my faithfulness. Because it truly is pure. Just as I long for Pure Joy.

I know I am in a place that He has seen since the beginning of time. My life may not be full of tangible joy. But this year sure has brought me to a place where I can grasp what True Joy is all about. This year has grown me to new heights in my understanding of my Savior. For it is because of Him that I am even here typing these words.....

Joy.
True Joy.

Update 12/27/08

I pray your Christmas was a time of more than hustle & bustle. That you were able to grab a few moments to reflect on the Ultimate Gift we received many years ago in the form of a tiny baby.

I will not lie, with four kids it is easy to get caught up in the 'fun' of Christmas. And it truly is a joy to see them happy. Not just from the gifts...but it's been so much fun having Tylor home for Christmas. Roy's had some days off...so family time has been great!!!

I wanted to come on today with the sole purpose of updating on my friend Barbara. So many of you have embraced this friend & her family in your love & prayers. I know what it means to have many 'on your side'. Thank you will never seem enough.

Here's the latest update that I received a few days ago from her parents.

We've had 10 more bonus days with Barbara! Praise the Lord! Each day has special memories, laughs, hugs and tears but we are treasuring them! Barbara's symptoms seem to get just a little worse each day. Her good side (left) has a little tingling now like the right side started out. She is still very aware of everything and talks to us very well. That's a praise from where she was last week! And the biggest praise in the middle of all this is that she is NOT in pain! That in itself is a miracle and grace from the Lord!

Her spirits are mostly good but she is frustrated of this situation. Pray for her for Peace. There is still hope for a miracle healing. Your prayers, love and concern are so precious to us all.

God is Good to provide in abundance for our needs.
Love, Kathy and Lynn

Have a great weekend! Shannon

JESUS IS BETTER...Merry Christmas!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

This is truly one of my favorite days of the year. I love everything that goes on. The only thing that tends to lack, is the focus on the TRUE meaning of what this day signifies. Take time today to reflect on what our mighty God gave us so, so many years ago. It was a gift that changed the world.

REMEMBER:
Jesus is Better than Santa

Santa lives at the North Pole.
JESUS is everywhere.

Santa rides in a sleigh.
JESUS rides on the wind and walks on the water.

Santa comes but once a year.
JESUS is an ever present help.

Santa fills your stockings with goodies.
JESUS supplies all your needs.

Santa comes down your chimney uninvited.
JESUS stands at your door and knocks.. and then enters your heart.

You have to stand in line to see Santa.
JESUS is as close as the mention of His name.

Santa lets you sit on his lap.
JESUS lets you rest in His arms.

Santa doesn't know your name, all he can say is "Hi little boy or girl, What's your name?"
JESUS knew our name before we did. Not only does He know our name, He knows our address too. He knows our history and future and He even knows how many hairs are on our heads.

Santa has a belly like a bowl full of jelly.
JESUS has a heart full of love.

All Santa can offer is HO HO HO.
JESUS offers health, help and hope.

Santa says "You better not cry"
JESUS says "Cast all your cares on me for I care for you.

Santa's little helpers make toys.
JESUS makes new life, mends wounded hearts, repairs broken homes and builds mansions.

Santa may make you chuckle but
JESUS gives you joy that is your strength.

While Santa puts gifts under your tree.
JESUS became our gift and died on the tree.

It's obvious there is really no comparison.
We need to remember WHO Christmas is all about.
We need to put Christ back in Christmas.
Jesus is still the reason for the season.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TALA!!!

My Dearest TalaDyani,

8 years ago today I was blessed with the baby girl I had always dreamed of. You were absolutely beautiful beyond words. Your daddy & I just would sit and start at you. All the people on the maternity ward would come visit you because they all feel in love with you.

You are still full of beauty. I am so honored to be your mommy.

This past year has been a full year of you adjusting to your diabetes. And you continue to amaze me. Everyday you test and take your shots as natural as can be. When people ask me how you're doing....I cannot rave enough about you. You are my hero!!! Life is not fair. We don't know why you were chosen to walk this path...but so far you are doing it with great grace & dignity. You make me so proud!

Thank you for always being able to make me smile & laugh in a way no other can. You bring me joy, my Angel Girl. I always thought I would have a household full of girls. But here I am without only one. And I am so thankful that you were handpicked by God just for me. Everyday I am reminded in so many ways just how much of a blessing you are.

Today you turn '8'. WOW! I can't believe it. The time of little girl play is almost over. You are heading into the area of being a 'big' girl. I miss my little girl, but am loving the young lady you are becoming. Your ability to adjust to the 'hard' life we have been called to walk is something you are learning to do better than most adults.

I love you Sweetie! Happy Birthday!
love, Mommy

Update 12/19/08

It's been a rough week physically. I'm not sure if it is because I went so long between treatments or just because this one is affecting me more. My bone pain is to the extreme of when I was in my actual starting cycle of treatments. This, of course, is difficult to deal with when I'm on my own. I'm not able to sit and rest or take medication like I need to help with the pain. Along with this is some added side effects that I have not had in quite some time. So, if you think of me....please pray for the physical end of things for the next couple of days. Thanks.


I will say this, though....I've had some help being distracted......we had a snow storm here
in Vegas. Yes, really. Granted I know it was small compared to some of you who are used to feet and feet of snow. BUT. For us from the islands & the desert.....it was a blistery storm. Take a look at a few of the pictures I have loaded. The kids had a blast. We even had an official 'snow day' yesterday. I really needed just a break. A break from all the schedules and stuff. And I was blessed in the form of our snow day. We had a lot of fun. And created a great deal of laundry :)

The days are fast approaching for many good things. Tylor will be with us this Christmas. All of us are excited to see him....but I don't think anyone more than Tala. Christmas is such an incredible reminder of the ultimate gift from our Heavenly Father. I love, love, love Christmas. Always have. And 8 years ago (almost)....Roy & I were blessed with Tala on Christmas night. (Side note bragging: Tala was actually the last baby born on Christmas 2000 in the USA - 11:59pm) We try to have many special traditions to separate the specialness of both. Following Christmas signifies the 2 year mark of my diagnoses, along with the fact that I will be able to say I am a 2 year survivor. 2 YEAR SURVIVOR!!! Wow! This journey has been long, but yet, seems just like yesterday that it all started.


I imagine I will have a lot to say in the next few weeks. :) Until then, Shannon
(sorry, I've been trying to end this 'gracefully'...but I have many small people vying for my attention right now :o) )

Update 12/16/08

The Christmas Season is definitely in full swing for most of us. It has always been my favorite time of year. And now I just have so much to reflect upon that I'm almost speechless. :o) To think that 2 years ago I was in the midst of not knowing what was happening with my body. And now, here I am, to tell of the amazing miracles that have touched my life since then. I have been undeserving for all of it. And to know that He gave me all that AND His Son too!!!!....just makes Christmas that much more meaningful for me. I can only pray it is just as special for each one of you.


I finally got to the doctor today and am THRILLED to report that I 'officially' heard it from his mouth....I am still cancer free, NED, in remission....a survivor! There's nothing else that could top that. Thank you to all of you who have been so faithful in praying and giving me such great encouragement. I never get tired of letting you know that I just couldn't do it without you all.

And I will leave you with the latest from Barbara's mom. I have been so blessed by what is happening within Barbara's life. Please continue to pray. And be encouraged that God is alive and working and doing amazing things. Love to you all!!! Shannon


Dear Friends and Family,
Well, things are pretty much back to “normal” or what our normal has been the last few weeks. Barbara has gone back to the Detox program with a few solids here and there (like mashed potatoes). She is ready for “real” food but we’d really like to keep with the program and complete our goal here to get her healthy.

She did want to go somewhere today so I took her to get her eyebrows waxed! Then she wanted to go to Henry’s and pick up some natural organic hair color! And then when we got home she wanted to go to Target to do a little Christmas shopping. I said we’d do that another day- I was tired!! I’ll take these initiatives as feeling a little better! Ok – she just told me she wants some Red Robin French fries! I think it’s the steroids kicking in!


This last week has certainly been a huge leap of faith for many people. We keep hearing stories of people feeling led to pray at just the time we needed it most. Sometimes we weren’t even aware of any particular crisis and people would start praying so only the Lord knows what could have happened that was prevented by prayers – so keep those prayers going up!

We had some family here this weekend and it was such a blessing to be surrounded by our loved ones.

Barbara still giggles at just about anything remotely funny. But little Joshua can get her going better than anyone except maybe Mike!
Love, Kathy

This Is The Day The Lord Has Made!!!

I find myself utterly amazed and ashamed that I ever doubt my God. He IS a God of miracles. I should have gotten this lesson down a while ago, don't ya think?!!! Whether we choose to believe or not. There really is no defying Who is behind the good of this world. It is so not by chance as many believe. Only a Power so great could turn the events that are unexplainable.


Within the last 24 hours I have received 2 separate devastating emails from my dear friend Barbara's family. (refer to recent updates if you have not read them...they are so beautifully said.) So when I received a 3rd just now, of course my heart sank before even reading it. Assuming the worst. But I am weak. My belief became centered on what the world so easily succumbs to....worldly thoughts.

I am privileged to share the follow with you all. Thank you for continuing to pray for sweet Barbara. He is hearing and choosing to answer in a way we easily forget He is capable of. Non of us know the plan He has in store. But one thing that is sure and comforting. Barbara will be healed by the Ultimate Healer. And it will be in HIS time.


LETTER FROM BARBARA'S PARENTS:

WE WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!!!! WOW! We are praising this day that the Lord gave us!! Barbara woke up this morning TALKING! It took a little effort but she was able to communicate to Mike! And it improved from there!
People, I believe we had a Miracle today! Even the doctor was surprised at how well she could talk! He even used the word "miracle!" Mike called me this morning and I could hear Barb talking in the background then I got on the phone with her and had a great conversation with her! They arrived home around noon and to hear her laughing like she always does as she was brought in (Hospice transported her) was a gift from the Lord! All day was a gift! We basked in the joy!

Again and again we heard about groups that got together last night to pray for her and I know there were many many individual prayers going up. So once again....PRAISE THE LORD and THANK YOU ALL for your prayers!

She was hungry today also, trying to talk me into giving her pizza! Remember she's been on just juice for two weeks so that would have been a shock to her system. At the hospital she ate yogurt and toast. Then at home was juice, wonderful chicken broth (then later the chicken, rice and carrots) that Patricia whipped up for her, and yes I relented to a third of a bean burrito she was craving, with hot sauce! They were organic black beans pureed on a flour tortilla. She didn't know how close I came to giving her a hot fudge sundae! But I didn't want to throw all of our efforts out the window in one day!

Another special event tonight was a group of 20 or so of her friends coming by and singing Christmas carols outside her bedroom window. Sweet aroma of praise....

We are taking one day at a time and thankful for each day we have with her. Only the Lord knows how many that is.

Tomorrow or the next day we will see if she can get up and walk....

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the Power that works in us, to Him be glory..." Ephesians 3:20

Kathy and Lynn

Still Heartbroken

Today I have now recieved an email from Barbara's Mom & Dad. Thought I would share this as well. All of this has got to be devasting. But thankfully they are a family that is able to walk hand in hand with the One who will be bringing Barbara from her earthly home into her Heavenly Home. Please continue to pray.

Dearest Friends and Family

Yesterday morning Barbara was taken to the hospital.She is very lethargic and tries to communicate but cannot. The Doctors ran a CT scan and said that she has some swelling in her brain. They gave her some steroids to try to reduce the swelling but it is only a comfort treatment for her. The game plan for today is for them to remove the IV and Hospice will take over. They will furnish all of the necessities. Hospital bed, IV if need and a 24 hour nurse here at the house. They will transport her here this morning. The outlook is not very good the doctor thinks a couple of days.

Last night when we left she was resting peacefully. She had a headache and they gave her some medication for that. But she is in no pain. As always she looked so beautiful. This is a hard time, but the Lord is Gracious and Merciful. We know you have prayed for us all through these last two years. We could not have gotten through it without your loving support! We mean that from the soul of our hearts! God has provide SO much comfort, strength, blessing and family and friends to walk with us. We ask for wisdom and guidance through all the details of the days ahead. This has been an amazing journey of God's mercy and grace in so many areas we can't begin to list them all.

Lynn and Kathy
PS. May we all dance with the Lord!

Heartbroken

There really are no words....I received this email a few minutes ago from Barbara's mother-in-law. Please be on your knees for this beautiful friend of mine and all who are dear to her in the days to come.

Good Evening,

Barbara is slipping away. She is no longer able to verbally communicate. She was taken to the hospital this morning with a high fever and dehydration. They did a CTscan which showed swelling in the brain. Hospice will begin taking care of her tomorrow when she is released from the hospital. The doctors have said she is in the final stages and it will likely be days until she is set free from the body which became such a prison in the last few months. Mike will spend the night at the hospital tonight. She is the love of his life.

Jim and I plan to drive down tomorrow and spend the weekend there. I would covet your prayers for Mike and the kids, for Barbara's mom and step-dad, Kathy and Lynn. We have all loved Barbara so much. She has been such a blessing in all of our lives. It is almost 23 months since this cancer all began. Beautiful Barbara has fought the good fight valiantly.

Love you all,
Shirley for the Holms

Right Where I'm Supposed to Be

***SLIGHT REVISION or ADD-ON to post below***
(You know, when you're tired is probably not the best time to write...at least for me it isn't. After reading what I said below and being encouraged from another friend in the midst of her own tough trials, I wanted to add a few things....I did so at the end of this post)

ORIGINAL POST:
I was told today that I am wrong to feel alone. That I've hurt people by saying that. I'm sorry. That was not my intention at all in my past posts. I was only trying to be transparent to what is happening within my life, family and heart. I prayed before writing everything I've written. And I will continue to do so. Again, I am sorry if this truth has hurt a few. BUT. Simply put. Only I can know how I feel. And being told that I am wrong to feel lonely....

only makes me feel MORE alone. But that's okay because...

I am thankful that when I feel most alone, the One who is able to comfort my heart like no other reaches out and grabs me close. I'm right where I'm supposed to be...

ADD-ON:
I have the wonderful blessing of reading my dear friend's blog about her journey through motherhood and losing two sweet boys. I say this to let you know how much her words mean every time I read them. Whether 10 paragraphs or 2 sentences...I'm always learning from her and being encouraged about the path I'm walking. She reminded me today that, although, I may be feeling alone....I know I am not. That is such a simple truth. And one I have failed to communicate in all my whining. People, family & friends & even strangers. I know you are here. I do. But my feelings & reality are a mesh of stuff. Just like in your world. When I say I am alone here on this site it is for the purpose of allowing others see the reality of our enemy. He has brought so much crap into my life...let alone all of yours. He is able to do so much damage. And our hearts are his main focus. Feeling lonely can be both: a reality and a mirage all at the same time. But is all comes back to the truth of where we hide our heart or hearts. I choose to place mine where it should be. In my Father's care.

So don't worry. I'm not trying to point fingers. I'm just trying to allow others into the reality of my craziness. Why? Because then I don't feel so alone :) And cause it's free therapy!!! ;P Thanks for loving me enough to stop in here every now and then. I do love & appreciate you all! And thanks Kristy for the reminder that it is okay to feel the way I do & to keep it all in perspective. Love you, girl!

A Kidism from a friend

Conveniently, I have another funny thing to share. But this time I cannot credit my own kids. This one happened today at Torryn's school and is too great not to share. (I do have permission from his mommy to share :0))

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Me: I heard that your mommy is having a baby.

Little Boy: yes, the baby is in my mommy's tummy.

Me: That's right, that's where the baby will grow bigger.

Little Boy: yeah, it's in ice until it's big enough to come out.

Me: Ice?

Little Boy: well sure. It keeps the baby fresh. Didn't you know that? You had lots of babies right? You should know about the ice!!!

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Did you all know about the ice?!!!!!! :)

Update 12/7/08

Hi Everyone,
Just a quick update since I've gotten so many inquirys about my scans....

I haven't heard. Like I said before...no news is good news. My doctor is very particular about making all his phone calls. So if one NEEDED to be made....I have 100% confidence that it would have been made. In the past when things were not 'right'...he always called me within a couple days.

So, I thank you for all the concern....but all is good. I WILL definitely let you know when it is verbally affirmed with him. Unfortunately, I haven't been to chemo for 6 weeks. So I haven't been able to personally see him. Hopefully I will be able to coordinate an appointment & babysitter this week. It's a juggling act and sometimes the ball does get dropped. Please continue to pray for this area. It's always tough for those involved.

Not much else to report. Like most everyone else this Holiday Season, money is tight. So we are trying to focus on the true meaning of what this blessed time means. I encourage you to do the same. The rewards we are granted are far better than any present.

My love to all of you, Shannon

A Kidism by Torryn

Thought I would lighten up the mood a bit with a 'kidism '. You know....things only kids would say or do....Here's one from Torryn today.
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Mommy: You need to obey, Torryn.


Torryn: But Mommy *in his sweetest voice...in the midst of his wild tantrum* if I obey all the time who would you spank and give time-outs too? You know, that's your job.



Mommy: *just a bit stumped on how to go from frustration to stifled laughter to teaching moment within his few words* I think I would be okay if you DID listen.


Torryn: Nooooooo. You'd be bored. So bored.
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Okay, seriously....as much as he IS a handful.....he says these kinds of things ALL the time.

Gotta love me a cute, wild, little 4 year old!!!!!!! :o)

I struggle

to even know what to post anymore.

My pain is so deep within my heart and soul.

I'm lonely.

I'm depressed.

I'm feeling very betrayed.

My children are hurting...terribly.

Why me? Why us?

I get it Lord. It's all about You.

You.

Not of this world. But I have to live in it.

No clue. Nobody has any clue just what one day holds. Even an hour.

I need more transparency.

But I hide.

It's easier.

Self pity? Maybe.

But fully seeing the reality of suffering everywhere.

Friends far away suffering greater than I. Much greater.

Why must we walk these roads?

Lonely.

Nobody notices. Nobody says anything. Nobody is around anymore.

Surviving.

It's just for 'a season'.

It's too long.

I'm tired.

Life is supposed to be more than this.

Or is it?

It's more than just all the crap.

Childish crap that sucks the life out of me.

I finally get it.

Praising Him in this storm.

I still choose to love Him. I still choose to adore Him. I still choose to obey Him. I still choose worship Him. I still choose to tell of Him. I still choose to bow down to Him. I still choose to respect Him. I still choose to share Him. I still choose to be still before Him. I still choose to be a child of Him. I still choose Him.

No matter what.

He IS the Great I AM.

Even in my tears....

these are my thoughts as I struggle to sleep...

Update 12/1/08 & Barbara

Family & Friends

I hope you all had a very thankful Thanksgiving. Can you believe we're already in December?!!!
I have not heard back about my scans...which I'm taking as a good thing. I know if there was something there, my doctor would have called me by now. I go in for a treatment tomorrow and hope to be able to catch him for a little bit.

Things around here have been a little rough. It's the combo of 3 young kids - all with high demand needs, Roy working so many hours (& yes, we are thankful he IS working), me being on my own pretty much all the time, the pain (which is heightened by the cold weather) and everything else that falls on a normal household.

I would appreciate your prayers just for some relief of stress in our normal day to day. It does break my heart that times are so hard on the kids. I do know how resilient they are but things really are extreme and they do have a lot to deal with. I would also like to ask for prayers for my mom. Things have been a little tricky as far as her being able to come. We are hoping things can smooth out for her cause I know how much she loves being with the grandkids :o)

The following is an email I got last night from both, Barbara & her mother-in-law, Shirley.

Dear Friends and Family,
This will be quick. I'm finished with radiation. I still can't walk, talk, and can barely see. I can still talk, but it's very quiet and difficult. I'll have an MRI in three weeks to check the status of the tumors.

I start an intense 30-day alternative detox treatment on Tuesday. This consists of herbs/hydro treatments and ONLY juice for the next month. Please pray that my mom can keep up with juicing all the vegetables, making the teas and administering the herbs and pray that I can tolerate everything. As I said, this program sounds very intense.

Thanks to the Mom's in Touch and the ladies at Calvary Chapel Hidden Valley, and other friends who have been in our home helping with the kids and cleaning and driving, etc.

I've been sad the past few days. It's been 6 weeks since I've been able to walk by myself. My faith is still strong, but it hurts that I can't do anything. I wish I could cook, clean, pick up my kids. I'd give anything to do those right now.

Thank you for your prayers. Barbara
****************************************************
P.S. from Shirley:

Our family was together in San Diego for Thanksgiving and it's so sad to see Barbara in this condition. She is trapped in her body. Please pray for Barbara's mom, Kathy, as she returns tomorrow to San Diego. Even with all the friends who pitch in, taking care of 3 active kids and Barbara is a very large job. The Detox program looks to be very labor intensive also. The whole scene seems pretty overwhelming right now. Thanks for your love, concern and prayerful support. We cherish it so much.

I cannot even put into words my feelings after hearing how she is doing. I know some of you have come to love her and her precious family. Please continue to pray for all of them.

As always, you mean the world to me. So many of you have taken an active roll in encouraging me so much. There are days I come to this site just to read your words. So needless to say, I am always very thankful for each of you.

Have a wonderful start to this Christmas Season.
love, Shannon