My Eliphaz, Bildad & Zophar

I turned to Roy and quietly but matter a fact stating, "I need them."

He got up and walked out to make the call.

Within the following 24 hours they stopped their own worlds for mine. Finding alternatives for their own children; leaving there commitments, husbands, homes; driving hundreds of miles and arriving with a Starbucks in hand....they came just to be with me. (While 1 had to remain in England, somehow, she was still here with us. She, somehow, through His grace was very much a part of our time together.)

My Girls. There really are no words to describe the friendships that exist within the four of us. It all began about 20 years ago in college. When I reflect on what Biola did for me. They are at the top of my list. Sometimes we talk many times a day. Other times it can be months. You'd even think that there would be jealousy somewhere in the mix. Nope. God has seen fit to protect us from trivial things like that. We are all so different, from different walks of life. But yet, we are so much alike. With them, I am funny...even when no one else thinks so. And they always crack me up! We 'get' one another.

When I heard that the cancer was throughout my body. In that very moment of trying to find my breathe....just thinking of them brought a sense of calmness to my soul. God has used these 3 women over and over again in my life. I could have never imagined what they were actually willing to do over the next couple of years. It immediately became the 'joke' that it was all about me. Well, they truly have made it all about me. When I really ponder all of it...them, me, our relationships.....I know I would absolutely, with a doubt, do the same for them. BUT, still, I am so unworthy. I've heard it said that if you have one good friend than you are lucky. WELL....I have four of the best and I. AM. BLESSED!!!

Just recently a friend wrote about the following verses. It's funny how along this journey I have had many compare me to a modern day Job. And here is this part that I have never read...or maybe just never noticed before. But when I read it the other night I was just instantly stopped in my tracks. Job had 3 friends. They stopped their worlds for him. They came to him just to be with him. Just as My Girls do for me.

"When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was." ~ Job 2:11-13

To My Girls,
You are a part of me. We are a part of each other. The distance doesn't matter. Although, we would rather be together. ;) Your sacrifices on my behalf over these past couple years mean so much. Sometimes I just need to think of you to be reassured of His love for me. I do have so much to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day. But it is you 3 that stand at the forefront of my heart tonight. My world is tough right now and full of loneliness. I am so glad you are only a phone call away. Because just chatting with anyone of you makes it bearable to keep fighting the fight. I am so undeserving, but forever grateful that you are a part of my life. Thank you for being willing to come and just sit with me. You are my Eliphaz, Bildad & Zophar. (How's that for some names....you can fight it out for who's who. :)) I Love You!!!

He's Allowed it ALL

I know what I want to express tonight, but I'm cautious to do it. For one, I seem to be bringing a lot of 'downer' feelings to the table lately. Which leads me to number two: I think I have finally pin pointed where this funk has originated from. Yeah, I've been in a funk. :)

In the past week or two a lot has happened. Actually, some of it started months ago, but has just come to a head, so to speak, recently. There are 3 main people who have continuously walked this road with me. I mean, physically. But in the past little bit, things have changed. For 2, it is by choice. Unaware, but by choice in the long run. For the other, circumstances out of their control. But none of that is the problem. I'm lonely. I've said from the beginning of all of this that anyone has the choice to walk away from all this. There is not one person who does not have that option. And it's finally happened. The ones closest, have walked. And they don't even realize it. Does it hurt? Well, of course. But just because I'm on my own now. I totally get that others have to live their own lives. And that nothing was done intentionally. There is no resentment on my part. But understanding this does not take these ever present feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness is a horrible feeling. And for me, it brings me back into the reality of depression. Yes, depression. You see, just about 4 years ago depression entered my life in the form of Post Pardum. I felt and saw things through a depressed woman's view. This depression should have left. But the turn of events in my life has just given it the chance to linger. So through all the incredible miracles, wonderful people and acts of service, beautiful compliments...I have been within myself battling depression. I know I put on a great 'front' to what is actually happening within. Which is one of the main things God, as well as some who are close to me, has challenged me on. Bringing it all to the table has been a inward battle. I DO pride myself on being able to 'do well' in the eyes of others. Now, not so much. I am finding it of much more importance to tell it like it is. Being 'real' allows others to feel the freedom to do so too. But, by far, this is the hardest time of my life. I am carrying way too much and feeling lost in it all. I seriously am just trying to survive each moment at a time. Trying to figure out what God wants in the midst of it makes me feel like I have blinders on a lot of the time. Waving my hands out, grasping for a little touch of His sleeve. Lost, lonely, depressed and cancer stricken. That's me. In a very deep, dark pit of despair.

Cancer sucks, depression sucks & loneliness sucks. Ultimately just one of these things could bring a person down crumbling to a place of no return. But as I head towards Thanksgiving this week, I've been challenged to be thankful in and for all things. Honestly, I feel I've done pretty well as far as being thankful in my circumstances. But to be thankful for is another story. Yeah, I've actually been able to say I am thankful for the cancer, depression & loneliness within my journaling and while talking to people. But I've realized that I have never said 'Thank You' to the One who has allowed these things into my life. Why is that? Maybe because once I do that, then I am in someway giving permission for it to continue. (Like GOD needs MY permission, huh?!!!) While, deep down, I wish all three were not a part of my life and that they would just disappear.

I don't think for one minute that God brought these things to me. Wanting me to suffer and go through hard times. No, He is a loving God that has given the people of this world free choice. Thus, where the sin, disease and yuck fall in. So did He bring all this my way? No. But He has for His own reasons allowed them to take place. I have had two choices here....to resent Him for this or to accept His infinite wisdom and grow through it all. I've chosen the later. But saying 'Thank You'?!!?

I'm lonely. Which in turn has brought me to this place of utter dependence on my ultimate Friend. The One who is not only willing to hold my hand through it all, but is carrying me during times that I'm too tired to take another step forward. So if being this lonely has brought me to this place....then I AM thankful. I am thankful for it all. To live my life leaning solely on the One who loves me most is the goal I have been reaching towards. I have so much farther to go. My words, often times, speak so eloquently. While my heart is in war. But if cancer, depression, loneliness & whatever else comes my way are steps closer to understanding Him more....than I am thankful for it all. The resentment will come and go, I'm sure. I'm human and imperfect. But for now, in this moment, I'm choosing to say "Thank You"....

Father, up until now I have had no words. Only resentment for the things brought into my life. Although, I aimed my feelings towards the enemy, I realize now that I was not acknowledging where the 'choice' for these things to be apart of my life came from . Ultimately, You have the final say. So, in the end, my resentment was unconsciously directed at You. Please forgive me. Since realizing this, I've struggled with being able to say 'Thank You' to You for these things in my life that I would rather not be a part of. But here I am, loving you deeper because of them. Why me? I don't fully understand why you love me so deeply as to continually pull me closer. But I am thankful. And I say Thank You for the cancer. For the depression. For the loneliness. For everything that You've allowed. I don't necessarily like it all. But they have been stepping stones towards You. So Thank You for each and everything.

Update 11/20/08

So tomorrow is 'scan day'. I am so excited to wake up and have a yummy breakfast of Barium....NOT! :)

All joking aside, I go in at 9:30 to have two CAT Scans. They should only take about 1-1 1/2 hrs. And if you remember from before....I DO actually sleep. The techs can't believe it, but I do. So I am looking forward to that part of it. Not too sure when I get my results. But my doctor is so good about calling that I'm not going to stress over that tiny detail.

Really the only anxiety I have is for the darn drink. For anyone who has had the privilege of consuming it knows what I'm talking about. I have to drink a HUGE amount in a short time lot. And to make it all worthwhile....it's really not that yummy. Kinda like flavored liquid chalk. But at least they've stepped it up a bit and I have two flavors...banana & mixed berry.

Please pray for a smooth morning and for those scans to be NED (no evidence of disease)...in other words...CLEAR!!!

Thanks to all of you for your continued love and support. I couldn't do all this without you.
love, Shannon

I AM Thankful for the Aftermath

Yeah, I am forever grateful for being here. Some people don't even have a clue. Rather, most people. Because we fail to really talk. But if I had the opportunity to share with each and every person along my path...Wow! It would be enough to turn some hearts. But our society closes themselves off to the 'uncomfortable' in the area of feelings. It's sad, really. Because what God has done just in my life alone should be enough to stop anyone in their tracks. Let alone what is evident just by looking around at our world of beauty. I know, I know....there is so much 'ugly' in our world today. And that's exactly what my heart is having a hard time getting past in these present days of mine.

As you & I both know...cancer sucks! Big time. But what most people look past is the aftermath that this horrid disease leaves behind. Again, I don't need to be reminded of my insurmountable blessings. I think, ponder, pray and talk with God about them nonstop. Sometimes the weight of what I have been given does actually weigh me down. What is so special about me that He would see fit to bless me in such a HUGE way? So, no, I don't take any of it for granted, not one little bit.

But the aftermath is just as unbearable, if not more, that walking the actual road of knowing the cancer is present within. But the flip side of it is the faith I have been allowed to grow. If not for the weight of uncertainty, I would not be grasping for His hand each and every step.

But the aftermath is very, very lonely. People tend to fade away. Going back to their own lives. Picking up where they dropped everything on your behalf. But it's lonely trying to figure out just how I am supposed to pick up. Because when this started is when I left the world I lived in behind. No one else has had to do this. (don't worry, I do know there are many who have it much worse than I do....I'm just saying...most go back to there lives as they knew before.) I will never have the chance to 'go back'.

The aftermath is killing me inside. How to explain to people that I am slowly dieing in the physical, emotional and mental sense....but am loving my Father like never before?! While the rest of me is fading slowly, my soul is flourishing.

So today as I read,

"Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:18

I was reminded to be thankful for the aftermath. All of it.

Every heartache.

Every physically pain staking day.

Every lonely time.

Every tantrum...my kids AND my own. :)

Every bill.

Every trek out in the cold.

Every relationship...the one's that are holding strong AND the one's that have faded away.

Every hurtful comment.

Every misconception.

Every judgement against me.

Every late night.

Every disappointment.

Every scare.

Everything.

I am called to be thankful for it all. And as hard as it is, I say thank you to my God for it all.

Because, I do, belong to Christ Jesus.

Just Now

I try so hard to have the good outweigh the bad. I want to be positive more than negative. It's important to focus on what I am blessed with rather than what, you know, is the opposite of blessed....stress, just simply crap that the enemy throws my way. Yeah, I know I used the word 'crap', sorry. I'm really trying to wean myself of it. But let me point out 2 things here. 1: That word really doesn't do what Satan brings on any justice. Seriously! and 2: Swearing is not a habit I struggle with most often. But there are a few words that I do feel I should 'watch my tongue' with. And the 'c' word happens to be one of them. Oh, but don't you worry. I have the best 'officers' on the job to make me take notice if I go astray. They might be pint size, but they get the job done quite swiftly. :)

Okay, that was a serious tangent. So back to the point I was getting at...

Good/Bad. Positive/Negative

Staying the course that God has called me to do is, by far, mind boggling to me each and everyday. Why me????!!!!?? I ask this each. and. EVERY. DAY! Although, I don't know why I do. This IS my journey. I am a part of His Story. So instead I am realizing more and more and more...that it is more the question of , "Why NOT me?"

But I struggle.

Waking up each day knowing that things have not changed. For the most part (minus the blessings of being here with my family complete and intact) they have gotten worse, harder. I truthfully hate, detest what this disease has done to change my life in the negative aspect. It's with bitterness that I even let the word, 'cancer' flow from my lips. It's really as if I can taste it. And it's rancid.

But.

If I only focus on these things then where would I be. I, truthfully and fully believe, that I would not be here. I must put all my focus on the One who has chosen for me to remain. I MUST! It is through His saving grace that I sit here pouring out my thought that others take the time to read. In my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be putting some of my innermost feelings 'out there' for the world to see. But it's Him. His Story. All along it has been about Him.

So, I was drained and in tears as I sat down to type a while ago....but once again, He shows up. Reminding me what it is supposed to be all about. I had it in my head to pour out my tears onto my keyboard. Crying out to anyone who would listen to my sorrow for the life I have been asked to walk. Letting all that cared know that I am at the end of my rope. I was fearing that I could not hold on much longer. But He has gently, ever so gently, reminded me that it's at the end of the rope where He can grab a hold me and pull me into His protective embrace.

And He has done just that.

Just now.

He pulled me close so I could once again hear His heartbeat.

So I will wake up tomorrow to face the day. I WILL choose the good. The positive.

I will choose Him.

Choose Wisely

This journey has brought some unbelievable comforting friendships along the way. A few of these have come in the form of lovely grieving woman who have lost a child....most in the past year or two. Through their sharing, I am learning. Grief is a gripping thing to go through. It does not go away. It, sometimes, get tougher before it gets livable. My heart is daily very heavy for these precious women. Our journey's are totally different in the respect that their sweet little ones are now on the lap of Jesus. And these are families I take to my Father everyday. I don't completely understand why God has saw fit to place us along one another paths...but I do love and cherish knowing each one of them. And I feel it such a privilege to be allowed into their grieving hearts.

When talking with them, reading their thoughts & reflecting on everything, I find that we do have some common denominators. We all feel that time seems to change awareness. What I mean by this is that as time goes on, people tend to think everything is getting better. Now, I by no means, would ever compare what I'm going through with the grief of losing a child. Ever. But I have pondered how in our society it pretty much doesn't matter what someone is going through, we tend to let 'time heal' rather than be a part of the healing. Yeah, many get involved with the 'trial' is at it's peak. But as time goes by.....most of us tend to go bye-bye.

Sad, isn't it? At least I think so. I'm really hurting over the fact that I had so many reaching out in the beginning and now I struggle to feel an outreached hand maybe once every couple of days. And seriously, these grieving friends that I mentioned, truly do mean so much to me.....so when I think of how I am 'grieving' the absence of support....I can't even imagine how their hearts are hurting over grieving through the ultimate grief as support slips away.

So what do you do? What do I do? WHAT do any of us do?

I don't know. You tell me. I'm just struggling to survive my day to day with the desire to do so much more for those who are hurting around me. I keep thinking that we all have the same 24 hours in a day. Maybe we just need to refresh how we're spending it. Not filling up our days with too much 'junk'. Rather, we need to prioritize and plan. I may only be able to find an extra 15 minutes...but it's what I do with that time that's, maybe, the most important 15 minutes of a friends day. Kinda like a 'pay it forward' sort of thing. Friend helping friend. Hand in hand.

So I plan to choose wisely.

In both.

Time

&

Friends.

Keeping Quiet is Hard to Do

Some days I've just had enough. Enough of the petty. People just going through the motions and having junk flow out of their mouths. More importantly, I hate being one doing the same even though my journey has privileged me to know better.

Recently, there have been some very hurtful things said to & about me. Others criticizing how we are 'living' and the choices we are making. I'm so tired of the petty stuff. Sadly, most people don't even know what has come out of their mouths. They are completely unaware of my hurt. But it stings. When others are throwing insult to injury in my world....I just retreat within. Especially when these come from those who are closest. When this happens I question where to go with my heart. I become more cautious of opening up.

"Your life is too overwhelming for me."
"It's just an inconvenience to help out."
"Put cancer in the past and stop dwelling."
"It's not like someone died."
"Why do you dwell on all the pain?"
"You should just be thankful that you're here."
"It really isn't as hard as you say it is."
"You're not the only one with problems, you know."
"You should make God your focus rather than yourself."

and, finally, let's not forget things that fit into this category.....

People thinking, aloud, that they know what's best (without all the facts or living it). People passing judgement (without all the facts or living it). People being hurtful (all the while knowing enough facts but still not living it). People making decisions for us (without all the facts or living it). **I think you get my drift**

So what would you reply to all these? Yeah, me....retreating seemed better than anything I came up with. God truly would not be glorified by any thought that first popped into my head. Because I know myself pretty well. When I allow myself to speak without thinking and pondering....I can spew some hurtful trash to those I love. And you know that old saying, "sticks & stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me."? Well, that's bologna!!! Anyone who has had hurtful words said to them know that kind of pain is the worst of all. It's the type that cuts deep into our soul. It takes time to heal this type of wound. We're talking an open gash that can only be taken care of by His soothing balm. For without it, we are unable to truly forgive....those who hurt us & ourselves when changes need to be made.

Within the past four months I have had such hurtful things said to me....by people who care and love me. But I'm tired. Tired of walking away, holding my tongue and having to spend precious time having to sort it all out. I'm worn out. Tired of trying to come up with the 'right' responses. I know that most of it was not meant to hurt me or that the person/s don't even have a clue what they said. Or more importantly, how it was received. But I'm called to live a live of honor, regardless.

"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." -Romans 12:10


Now like you & the rest of man kind, I value being right. And in my everyday life of such trials, it's so easy to think that I have the right to be right. In doing so, I tend to let the 'honor' part of this verse to get lost. Thus making it really hard to show others honor when I'm always trying to prove that I'm right all the time. For me, it basically comes down to keeping my mouth shut. Those of you who know me, know that I love to talk. So to actually follow through on the act of keeping both lips together....so, so, SO HARD! It really is an act of humility to be able to just walk away without saying anything. But I find that when I do...it becomes about Him and what He would have me learn from that particular conversation. Sometimes I simply am asked to think first and then approach in a loving fashion. But other times...I'm asked to just suck it up and let it go. Not easy for me...but an area, that when I follow His leading, I am able to know that I am living my life with honor.

So why share all this now. Do I want some sympathy....well, yeah, maybe a little :) No, but really, it's more about me and the lessons I've been learning lately. I tell my kids all the time that they can't let what others do or say determine what they, themselves, do or say. In other words, be your own person and make decisions that are truly acceptable to God. When others hurt me I need to put that lesson into play. Yes, I'm tired and weary of it all. But when I feel beat down by criticism....I need to be my own person. The person that God is proud of. Reminding myself that walking away is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength. Here's another old saying, "If you have nothing nice to say don't say nothing at all." Well, the nicest thing I can say about all that has come out of this is that I feel closer to my Savior, my Confidant. He is the One true friend. I am so thankful that when I feel the world is against me....that He is always for me. It is so special to feel carried when I have no strength to walk. It ultimately doesn't matter what others think. What matters is that I work to be in the center of His will and no one else's. Only then can I live this life in a way that honor's Him rather than myself.

Now, if only I can keep my mouth shut....

Visiting with Barbara

was, by far, one of the sweetest times in my life.

There wasn't anything extra special about what we did. Just talk. We got to ask questions and get to know one another. It was a surreal moment for me. Maybe for her too. You see, we have been in contact for almost 2 years. Pretty much right after we were both diagnosed...we were introduced. But this was different. She wasn't just a cyberspace friend anymore. She was real. All of it was real. This horrible, horrible disease was/is real. And it is the reason for our friendship. Oh, I do hate cancer. But without it I would never have had the chance for a unique and special friendship with an amazing woman.

Barbara is sick right now. The enemy is trying his darnedest to get the best of her. Thankfully, she holds tight to the true and mighty God. As she goes through radiation everyday, it has to be so wearisome. But yet she smiles. Taking chemo orally from home is something I never had to do. Opening the bottle and placing that pill in her mouth...willing herself to get better each time. And she smiles. Discussing the options that are on the table. Tumors shrinking is the options of choice. While knowing that new growth is a possibility. Yet, still she smiles. I stand in awe of the stamina she has put forth fighting this battle. As I walked into her home to find her looking the part of a sick person. Her hair is short and has grown back sort with some patch work. You can tell her vision is out of sorts. And it is apparent that she has limited use of her right side. But yet.....she smiled.

She is a special lady that the enemy sees fit to attack. He, too, knows the power she holds in her heart. A God bigger than it all. He is bigger than the disease that is attacking her body. He is bigger than the side effects that threaten her spirit. He is bigger than the details that need to fall into place. He is bigger than her doubts, my doubts and yours. He is bigger than the uncertainties that loom overhead when decisions need to be made within a situation that seems hopeless. He is bigger. He is hope. He is.

Needless to say, I was so happy to be able to sit and visit with someone I feel such a kindred spirit with along this journey. At this time in her life, I only wish I could offer her more than I can. If only we lived closer I could help out with the many needs that are so visible within their situation. But I don't. When driving away I felt a frustration about the whole situation. I asked God...why her? Why not me? The answer I got and continue to receive is, "Because".

Because you are different from one another. Everything about you and all that surrounds you is different. Because my plan is perfect for each of you. Because I need your journeys to be different to fit together within my story.

I know what this disease is capable of. It's horrid and ruthless. But I, like Barbara, choose to believe and hope that she will be alive on the other side of this. For our God is a God in the business of miracles. Amazing miracles. Healing miracles. I wait anxiously to see His mighty hand do an incredible thing within Barbara's life.

For now, I pray, and live thankfully for a sweet time with a dear friend.

Update 11/7/08 & Barbara

Hello All,

Let me start by apologizing for taking way too long to update about my trip this past weekend. I have had so many asking. And I just hung up with the last call that I am going to take on this subject :) I get the hint. Honest, though, I haven't been procratinating. It's been a busy week.

What a pleasure it was to meet Barbara face to face. We were able to spend a few hours just talking, asking questions and getting to know one another. Her family was as beautiful as their pictures. Little blonde kiddos that look just like mommy & daddy. The youngest, Joshua, is a month younger than Takai. And from the start I could see similarities even with these two.
Joshua had a smile on his face almost the whole time I was there. The light in his eyes was definitely work of a mighty God. When I think of all Barbara & I have gone through....we were blessed in the very beginning with beautifully, sweet spirited babys to hold close to our hearts.

Barbara is still in the middle of her treatments. She explained that she is taking chemo orally from home and doing the radiation for 5 weeks. Another set of scans will soon follow. Our prayer in all this is that there will be shrinkage of the tumors.

She has expressed some boredom. Because she is limited on her movement & sight, she spends a great deal of her day just sitting. Kinda at the mercy of others :). Please pray that God will use this time to heal her body as she is being so faithful in her fight.

Barbara continues to have faith that she will be alive on the other end of this. It's easy when you're looking into this type of situation to see a very sick person. Well, she is. But that means nothing to a God who can heal. So I stand affirmed even more after this visit, that He will continue to hold her close to His very heartbeat. Cancer does Suck! But, we are fortunate to feel His pressence in a way unlike before this became our journey.

I have been reflecting this week on how awesome the experience of knowing Barbara has been. And there is just something special about meeting face to face. Our friendship seems that much more 'real'. I AM blessed!

Please continue to pray for Barbara and her family.

(There is not a whole lot of change on my end...I will update when there is more. Barbara is of more importance today. Thanks for your continual support.)
love, Shannon

This Day is Significant = Judson

One year ago today, sweet Judson Levasheff drew his last breathe while being cradled in his parents arms. Many of you remember the impact this little guy has had on thousands upon thousands of hearts. Mine being one. As I walked a very trying path last year, it was a little 2 year old who aided in cementing my faith to the cross in a way I had always dreamed. There has not been a day gone by that I have not thought of Jud. And if this is the case....than I can't even come close to imagining what a day is like for his parents & family. Please take time today to visit the site they have created in his honor. Encourage them if you feel led. But most importantly, please be in prayer for them. The reflection of what today signifies must be unbearable.

www.storyofjudson.com
www.caringbridge.org/visit/judson

Truth

Went to my doctor's appointment. We talked. I shared. I questioned. He answered.

"If you keep doing what you're doing....your speeding up any negative responses your body is having due to the consequences of the cancer."

In simpler terms....your hurting yourself.

In blunt terms...your killing yourself that much quicker.

I think Roy is having a harder time swallowing this one than me....as the 'man of the household' he feels the weight of responsibility. Please pray for him.

Pray for our hearts as decisions seems to be bound by circumstances out of our control.