Cancer Sucks!!!

But truly it does.

I hate so much of what it has done in my life and to my life. I looked at a picture of myself about 3-4 years ago and felt like I was looking at someone else. And in essence...I was. I am not the same person I was just 2 years ago. And for that, I am thankful in so many ways for cancer...no, not so much....more so, what God has done to my heart because of the cancer. Would I want to be the same person in heart, mind, and soul that I was just a mere 2 years ago? No, of course not. Daily I know I have more insight to the growth that God is allowing me. I'm privileged in this. I am thankful. I embrace this life with everything I have because I have had to fight for it. Cliche, I know. But there is not a day that goes by that I am not grateful for the 'second chance' I've been given. The enemy tried with everything, and I mean everything, to bring me to my knees. Little did he know that that would just give me a clearer view of my sweet Savior's face.

There really is not a moment that goes by that cancer is not at the forefront of my thoughts. Dramatic? Not at all. It is always, always there. Am I unusual because of this? Am I just harping on the past? No, I don't think so. For as 'abnormal' as this journey has made me....I am sure in this area I am sane. Once the word 'cancer' becomes a part of any one's life in this magnitude it's bound to stay long term. And that simple fact alone is enough to constitute the title I've chosen. Because really,

Cancer Sucks!!!

I so have the desire to educate people on how I cannot think of one part of my body that remains the same. Cancer has done this. And will continue. I look ahead to the rest of my life enduring physical pain and constantly being 'on guard' because of this enemy driven disease. Mentally, without my Physician, I would be in a pool of helplessness. Thankfully I can face today, as well as the future, with all the help I will ever need. Of course, the enemy will continue to try to strike me down. And I am certain that my Redeemer will be there to pick me up.

Yeah, I talk big. But I gotta claim it. Because I am human and I am weak. I shed tears, if not once, many times a day. I truthfully cannot think of a day since all this began that I haven't. Most times they appear in the privacy of my shower. I let them flow and give them to Him. Because I am weak. Scared, frightened, petrified beyond belief. While going through chemo there are so many side effects that happened. I was trained to tell my family, as well as my doctor, EVERYTHING that was happening. Do you know how embarrassing it is to discuss your 'bathroom' issues....daily?! While at the same time, losing all your hair. Can you imagine the self esteem issues one has to go through when becoming bald? I mean, being bald is one thing, with enough issues. But actually losing your hair slowly, wondering what you're going to look like, and not really wanting anyone to see you. Seriously, enough is enough!!! But that's not the way the enemy sees it. He will do anything and everything to try and knock us down. So humiliation is one key way he will strike. And those are just 2 examples of what strikes a cancer victim. This list could go on forever.

Cancer sucks!

Fear is the hardest part. I think because it is deep. All the physical is just out in the open. Where the actual fear of what this disease has done can wear on one's soul. I know the reality of what it's capable of. Scans are a part of the rest of my life. Every little 'something' becomes HUGE because I have to make sure it's just that...a little 'something'. Fear. Constant fear. But yet, I'm called to not live this way. How? Knowing the statistics are incredibly high for return. Seriously, how?

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

Well, I guess that answers that. Easy? Not at all. But it's simple. And reassuring and comforting.

Still....

Cancer Sucks!!!