Update 3/1/08

I come tonight with no news. I hope to be connecting with my doctor on Monday. As I am going a little stir crazy waiting these results.

I am broken. My spirit is crushed. I’m having a hard time breathing through this part of my journey.

There is so much anxiety going through my body. I long for sleep to escape it, but cannot seem to drift off to dream land because of it. Every time I feel the pain, or have a headache, or ‘this’ or ‘that’….my thoughts have started immediately wondering to ‘the beast’. I hate that it is robbing me of my security that I have had. Not just the security of being CANCER FREE, but in the amazing peace that He has given me since day one when I was diagnosed.

One would think that the actually ‘diagnosis’ time back in Dec. of ’06 would have been the tougher of times. Yesterday, today, tomorrow….they seem to rate much higher on the pain scale.

I’ve been questioning ‘why?’. Why is it harder now? My conclusion is this…

During ‘diagnosis’ time I was surrounded. I was pregnant and in lots of pain. My family was there for me before I even knew of the cancer. Once I was ‘diagnosed’, I was immediately surrounded by so many ready to love me and my family through it all.

But now the thunderous impact of the ‘diagnosis’ is gone. I’m not physically surrounded with the ‘masses’. (Don’t get me wrong….I still have my core group. But the ‘masses’ have scattered to love on others….as it should beJ.)

I’ve questioned how I mentally and emotionally made it back then. I had so many who became His hands, His love, His comfort, His peace, His joy, His laughter…..they became like Him. His likeness. To be surrounded by ‘Him’ was mine.

I am challenged now to be surrounded by Him without all the ‘physical’ help. I need to see Him, feel Him, desire Him & love Him without the ‘masses’ to help me.

I am tested. I want physical touch. I want words that I can hear. I want people reassuring me. I want my ‘masses’.

But all I truly need is Him. And that is escaping me as I feel like I am being swallowed by gut wrenching circumstances.

Please continue to pray for me in the next couple of days as I wait. Pray that I don’t get lost in self pity, worry, & doubt. Pray that I allow myself to be satisfied with ONLY HIM.

Thank you all for revealing a little bit of ‘Him’ through your love towards me.
Love, Shannon

(all that said.....I must quickly say THANK YOU to everyone for your prayers, words of encouragement, phone calls, babysitting, gifts, dinners, emails, etc, I even have a family providing house cleaning.---so thoughtful & practical. And I am forever humbled by those who have been fasting on my behalf. He blesses me beyond what you may even imagine by your love.)